Best Thread Joke of the day
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fibonelli
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A trader friend of mine sent me this trading dictionary the other day.
Enjoy!
*********************************************************************
Analyst recommendations: -
Strong Buy - Buy
Buy - Hold
Hold - Sell
Sell - It's too late.
Arbitrageurs: - large traders who feed on plankton.
Averaging down: - lowering the average price of entry by adding to a
losing position.
Averaging down should only be attempted when you are really angry at a
market.
Back-testing: - the art of adjusting trading system parameters so as to
ensure maximum profit in the past and zero profit in the future.
Black-box system: - a trading system that is available for sale, but is
so good that its rules can't be disclosed. Black-box systems are
generally only available for sale because the vendors have a sense of
philanthropy.
Cancel-if-close: - a limit order that is cancelled if it appears likely
to be hit. Some brokers do not accept cancel-if-close orders.
Charting: - "join-the-dots" for adults.
Central Banks: - big market players, with no stop-losses. The Bank of
Thailand once bet 40% of its foreign reserves in a day. It lost.
Computerised system testing: - torturing the data until it confesses.
See: back-testing
Contrary opinion: - the idea that when the market dumps a security, you
should look to buy it. The trick appears to be to make sure that the
market has finished doing the dumping, and is not just waiting for you
to buy so that it can really start dumping. See: Institutional investor.
Cycle analysis: - a method of analysis that allows losing trades to be
organised into regular patterns.
Derivatives: - securities that are identified by acronyms - CHIPS,
COBRAS, LEAPS, PERQS, STEERS, TRIPS, ZEPOS - all of these things are
derivatives. Unfortunately, little else is known about them.
Daytrading: - an activity that takes place in between meaningful periods
of employment.
Dot.com bubble: - tulip-mania for the X-generation.
Dow Jones Industrial Average: - a widely reported stock index that was
designed in the late 11th century and has stood the test of time.
Eurodollars: - U.S. Dollars, of course.
False Break: - an actual break of a trendline that triggers a losing
trade. False breaks confirm the usefulness of trendline analysis. Only
those breaks that are false cause problems, and those breaks don't
count, because they are false.
Fast market: - an official market condition, during which floor brokers
may scalp you with impunity. At other times, they have to be careful
about it. See: slippage
Figures: - market-sensitive measures of economic activity, such as
"Non-Farm Payrolls" and "Durable Goods Orders", that are published every
day in the U.S., much to the annoyance of players on the other side of
the world, who can't get to sleep.
Float (initial public offering): - stock that is offered to you because
other people have turned it down. The guiding principle in relation to
floats is as follows: "never participate in a float that you are able to
participate in."
Forex market: - a private casino, which is run by large international
banks, mainly so that they can have some fun.
Fundamental analysis: - a method of analysis that provides compelling
reasons for why a stock shouldn't fall in price when it does.
"Fundamentally sound": - the condition in which an economy finds itself
immediately after a stock market collapse.
Gold carry trade: - in the gold carry trade, institutions called gold
banks borrow gold from the central bank at the gold lease rate, which
may be 1%. They can then sell this gold and invest the proceeds in
Treasury Bills, which may yield 4%. The central bank keeps the gold on
its books, figuring that it can trust a gold bank. Of course, the gold
bank is "short" the gold until it pays it back, and it must take care
that the gold price doesn't get away from it. This may, or may not,
explain a lot about the gold market of the 1990s.
Greeks, the: - Delta, Gamma, Rho, Theta and Vega. In option pricing
models, the Greeks are partial derivatives that express local
sensitivities. Just remember the names of about three of them, and then
slip them into the conversation occasionally. No one will pick you up on
it.
Hedge Fund: - a fund that pools money from rich investors, in order to
play with it. Hedge Funds are private concerns, which means that they
can play wherever they like. Mutual Funds, on the other hand, accept
money from the public, and can only play where they are supervised.
Hedger: - a guy you can't beat when you're playing him at futures. When
a hedger loses a bet in the futures market, he makes up for it in the
cash market. When a speculator loses a bet in the futures market, he
really loses it.
Index Funds: - funds with no sense of fun.
In-house analyst: - an employee of a broking house who dresses mutton up
as lamb and advertises it on special.
Institutional investor: - someone who dumps a stock big-time, a day or
two after you've bought it, for no apparent reason.
Live feed: - a technology that enables the instant incorporation of bad
ticks into a charting program.
Long Term Capital Management: - a large hedge fund, whose capital only
managed to last for a short time.
Lunch: - when you ring your broker on a Friday afternoon to be told he's
still at lunch, it means he's still drinking.
Market Depth: - a trading screen that shows orders queued up on both
sides of a market. Unfortunately, it doesn't show the orders belonging
to people who don't like to queue.
Market report: - a concise explanation of why a market traded up or
down. 99% of market reports are drawn from other market reports. The
remainder are whimsical.
Money-management: - the art of hiding trading losses from a spouse.
Non-executive Director: - a person who's job it is to fill a chair at a
Board meeting, so that no chairs are empty.
Option Pricing Model: - a mathematical model, that can calculate the
fair price of an option. If the market price differs from the fair
price, you can bet accordingly. If the market price then moves further
away from the fair price, you can say: "Hey, that's not fair!"
Over-bought: - a market is considered to be in an over-bought condition
when everyone else appears to have bought it, but you haven't.
Personal computer: - an indispensable aid to the modern investor.
Investors who are new to computers should consider the following advice:
Always approach your P.C. in a confident manner. Computers can sense
fear and indecision. Remember - you are in charge! You can always shut
the thing down (unless you're using Win98).
Position trade: - a short-term trade that is in deficit, and will be
closed out as soon as it breaks even, however long that takes.
Price/Earnings Ratio: - a ratio that indicates whether the price of a
stock is attractive in relation to last year's earnings. A low number
indicates a bargain. However a low number can also indicate a lemon. If
a company starts going down the tube, its stock price will appear very
attractive in relation to last year's earnings. The P/E Ratio is a
versatile indicator.
Random Walk Theory: - the theory that market prices follow a random
walk, much like that of a drunken sailor. The weakness of the theory
lies in the fact that little scientific research has been done into
drunken sailors.
Rumours: - the time-honoured basis for the making of trading decisions.
Rumours about stocks tend to get thicker as they are spread.
Seasonal analysis: - the assumption that other people who trade Heating
Oil Futures know nothing about winter.
Slippage: - the difference between the price at which you expect a
market order to be filled and the price at which it is actually filled.
See: Orange Juice Futures.
Stochastic: - a technical indicator so-named because the name sounds
technical.
Stop-loss: - the trader's equivalent of a condom. It's something you
know you should have used after it's too late.
Support: - a line drawn on a chart, the breaking of which is deemed
extremely significant, even if the only people trading the stock at the
time are two of three ladies at the tennis club.
Support/Resistance: - supposed allies that flee at the first sign of
trouble.
Tankan Index: - a closely watched figure, that measures the extent to
which the Japanese economy is tanking.
Technical analysis: - subjective analysis of the markets dressed up in a
lab coat.
Technical indicator: - a transformation of a price series that contains
less information than the series itself. Different technical indicators
throw away information in different ways.
Tech wreck: - the end of the dot.com bubble. Surprisingly enough, many
observers predicted the wreck accurately. As time goes on, more and more
of these observers come forward.
They: - the members of a powerful international conspiracy who target
small, private traders in order to make their lives miserable. For
instance, "they ran the market to my stop and then turned it around."
Trading floor: - the traditional venue for the negotiation of
securities, now made redundant by screen trading. Trading floors that
remain open serve a valuable purpose as colourful backdrops to market
reports on television.
Trading genius: - a reckless spirit in a bull market.
Trendline analysis: - a form of analysis that works best on a computer
screen, where lines can be erased and re-drawn without trace.
Zero-sum game: - a game in which the players slug it out and the broker
wins."
Enjoy!
*********************************************************************
Analyst recommendations: -
Strong Buy - Buy
Buy - Hold
Hold - Sell
Sell - It's too late.
Arbitrageurs: - large traders who feed on plankton.
Averaging down: - lowering the average price of entry by adding to a
losing position.
Averaging down should only be attempted when you are really angry at a
market.
Back-testing: - the art of adjusting trading system parameters so as to
ensure maximum profit in the past and zero profit in the future.
Black-box system: - a trading system that is available for sale, but is
so good that its rules can't be disclosed. Black-box systems are
generally only available for sale because the vendors have a sense of
philanthropy.
Cancel-if-close: - a limit order that is cancelled if it appears likely
to be hit. Some brokers do not accept cancel-if-close orders.
Charting: - "join-the-dots" for adults.
Central Banks: - big market players, with no stop-losses. The Bank of
Thailand once bet 40% of its foreign reserves in a day. It lost.
Computerised system testing: - torturing the data until it confesses.
See: back-testing
Contrary opinion: - the idea that when the market dumps a security, you
should look to buy it. The trick appears to be to make sure that the
market has finished doing the dumping, and is not just waiting for you
to buy so that it can really start dumping. See: Institutional investor.
Cycle analysis: - a method of analysis that allows losing trades to be
organised into regular patterns.
Derivatives: - securities that are identified by acronyms - CHIPS,
COBRAS, LEAPS, PERQS, STEERS, TRIPS, ZEPOS - all of these things are
derivatives. Unfortunately, little else is known about them.
Daytrading: - an activity that takes place in between meaningful periods
of employment.
Dot.com bubble: - tulip-mania for the X-generation.
Dow Jones Industrial Average: - a widely reported stock index that was
designed in the late 11th century and has stood the test of time.
Eurodollars: - U.S. Dollars, of course.
False Break: - an actual break of a trendline that triggers a losing
trade. False breaks confirm the usefulness of trendline analysis. Only
those breaks that are false cause problems, and those breaks don't
count, because they are false.
Fast market: - an official market condition, during which floor brokers
may scalp you with impunity. At other times, they have to be careful
about it. See: slippage
Figures: - market-sensitive measures of economic activity, such as
"Non-Farm Payrolls" and "Durable Goods Orders", that are published every
day in the U.S., much to the annoyance of players on the other side of
the world, who can't get to sleep.
Float (initial public offering): - stock that is offered to you because
other people have turned it down. The guiding principle in relation to
floats is as follows: "never participate in a float that you are able to
participate in."
Forex market: - a private casino, which is run by large international
banks, mainly so that they can have some fun.
Fundamental analysis: - a method of analysis that provides compelling
reasons for why a stock shouldn't fall in price when it does.
"Fundamentally sound": - the condition in which an economy finds itself
immediately after a stock market collapse.
Gold carry trade: - in the gold carry trade, institutions called gold
banks borrow gold from the central bank at the gold lease rate, which
may be 1%. They can then sell this gold and invest the proceeds in
Treasury Bills, which may yield 4%. The central bank keeps the gold on
its books, figuring that it can trust a gold bank. Of course, the gold
bank is "short" the gold until it pays it back, and it must take care
that the gold price doesn't get away from it. This may, or may not,
explain a lot about the gold market of the 1990s.
Greeks, the: - Delta, Gamma, Rho, Theta and Vega. In option pricing
models, the Greeks are partial derivatives that express local
sensitivities. Just remember the names of about three of them, and then
slip them into the conversation occasionally. No one will pick you up on
it.
Hedge Fund: - a fund that pools money from rich investors, in order to
play with it. Hedge Funds are private concerns, which means that they
can play wherever they like. Mutual Funds, on the other hand, accept
money from the public, and can only play where they are supervised.
Hedger: - a guy you can't beat when you're playing him at futures. When
a hedger loses a bet in the futures market, he makes up for it in the
cash market. When a speculator loses a bet in the futures market, he
really loses it.
Index Funds: - funds with no sense of fun.
In-house analyst: - an employee of a broking house who dresses mutton up
as lamb and advertises it on special.
Institutional investor: - someone who dumps a stock big-time, a day or
two after you've bought it, for no apparent reason.
Live feed: - a technology that enables the instant incorporation of bad
ticks into a charting program.
Long Term Capital Management: - a large hedge fund, whose capital only
managed to last for a short time.
Lunch: - when you ring your broker on a Friday afternoon to be told he's
still at lunch, it means he's still drinking.
Market Depth: - a trading screen that shows orders queued up on both
sides of a market. Unfortunately, it doesn't show the orders belonging
to people who don't like to queue.
Market report: - a concise explanation of why a market traded up or
down. 99% of market reports are drawn from other market reports. The
remainder are whimsical.
Money-management: - the art of hiding trading losses from a spouse.
Non-executive Director: - a person who's job it is to fill a chair at a
Board meeting, so that no chairs are empty.
Option Pricing Model: - a mathematical model, that can calculate the
fair price of an option. If the market price differs from the fair
price, you can bet accordingly. If the market price then moves further
away from the fair price, you can say: "Hey, that's not fair!"
Over-bought: - a market is considered to be in an over-bought condition
when everyone else appears to have bought it, but you haven't.
Personal computer: - an indispensable aid to the modern investor.
Investors who are new to computers should consider the following advice:
Always approach your P.C. in a confident manner. Computers can sense
fear and indecision. Remember - you are in charge! You can always shut
the thing down (unless you're using Win98).
Position trade: - a short-term trade that is in deficit, and will be
closed out as soon as it breaks even, however long that takes.
Price/Earnings Ratio: - a ratio that indicates whether the price of a
stock is attractive in relation to last year's earnings. A low number
indicates a bargain. However a low number can also indicate a lemon. If
a company starts going down the tube, its stock price will appear very
attractive in relation to last year's earnings. The P/E Ratio is a
versatile indicator.
Random Walk Theory: - the theory that market prices follow a random
walk, much like that of a drunken sailor. The weakness of the theory
lies in the fact that little scientific research has been done into
drunken sailors.
Rumours: - the time-honoured basis for the making of trading decisions.
Rumours about stocks tend to get thicker as they are spread.
Seasonal analysis: - the assumption that other people who trade Heating
Oil Futures know nothing about winter.
Slippage: - the difference between the price at which you expect a
market order to be filled and the price at which it is actually filled.
See: Orange Juice Futures.
Stochastic: - a technical indicator so-named because the name sounds
technical.
Stop-loss: - the trader's equivalent of a condom. It's something you
know you should have used after it's too late.
Support: - a line drawn on a chart, the breaking of which is deemed
extremely significant, even if the only people trading the stock at the
time are two of three ladies at the tennis club.
Support/Resistance: - supposed allies that flee at the first sign of
trouble.
Tankan Index: - a closely watched figure, that measures the extent to
which the Japanese economy is tanking.
Technical analysis: - subjective analysis of the markets dressed up in a
lab coat.
Technical indicator: - a transformation of a price series that contains
less information than the series itself. Different technical indicators
throw away information in different ways.
Tech wreck: - the end of the dot.com bubble. Surprisingly enough, many
observers predicted the wreck accurately. As time goes on, more and more
of these observers come forward.
They: - the members of a powerful international conspiracy who target
small, private traders in order to make their lives miserable. For
instance, "they ran the market to my stop and then turned it around."
Trading floor: - the traditional venue for the negotiation of
securities, now made redundant by screen trading. Trading floors that
remain open serve a valuable purpose as colourful backdrops to market
reports on television.
Trading genius: - a reckless spirit in a bull market.
Trendline analysis: - a form of analysis that works best on a computer
screen, where lines can be erased and re-drawn without trace.
Zero-sum game: - a game in which the players slug it out and the broker
wins."
> READ TEXT THEN OPEN ATTACHMENT..................
>
>
> Airport Security: What's your name
>
> Passenger: Batman
>
> Airport Security: Your real name please
>
> Passenger: My name is Bat man
>
> Airport Security: Are you trying to be funny ? What is your family name?
>
> Passenger: Superman
>
> Airport Security have had enough, he's handcuffed and locked in a secure room.
>
>
>
>
>
> Now open attachment.
>
>
> Airport Security: What's your name
>
> Passenger: Batman
>
> Airport Security: Your real name please
>
> Passenger: My name is Bat man
>
> Airport Security: Are you trying to be funny ? What is your family name?
>
> Passenger: Superman
>
> Airport Security have had enough, he's handcuffed and locked in a secure room.
>
>
>
>
>
> Now open attachment.
Attachments
Atilla
Legendary member
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Escaped Convict breaks into a bedroom, ties up husband and wife on bed.
Then he jumps on top of wife, kisses her ear and goes to the bathroom.
Husband tells wife " Satisfy him or he will kill us, I saw the way he kissed you, be strong I love you.
Wife replies, "he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is GAY and looking for a Vaseline. I told him its in the bedroom. You be strong,
I love you too...!!!!!!!"
Then he jumps on top of wife, kisses her ear and goes to the bathroom.
Husband tells wife " Satisfy him or he will kill us, I saw the way he kissed you, be strong I love you.
Wife replies, "he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is GAY and looking for a Vaseline. I told him its in the bedroom. You be strong,
I love you too...!!!!!!!"
fibonelli
Experienced member
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BSD
Veteren member
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LOL, hilarious !
The scenes are from the film "Der Untergang" about his last few weeks in the bunker prior to his suicide, based on the autobiography of one of his last secretaries, the pretty girl also shown in the scenes here, the then 25 year old Traudl Junge who died just a few years ago.
Downfall (film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**k is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**k is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Moxy9
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Kinger
Active member
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Escaped Convict breaks into a bedroom, ties up husband and wife on bed.
Then he jumps on top of wife, kisses her ear and goes to the bathroom.
Husband tells wife " Satisfy him or he will kill us, I saw the way he kissed you, be strong I love you.
Wife replies, "he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is GAY and looking for a Vaseline. I told him its in the bedroom. You be strong, I love you too...!!!!!!!"
Then he jumps on top of wife, kisses her ear and goes to the bathroom.
Husband tells wife " Satisfy him or he will kill us, I saw the way he kissed you, be strong I love you.
Wife replies, "he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is GAY and looking for a Vaseline. I told him its in the bedroom. You be strong, I love you too...!!!!!!!"
Pat494
Legendary member
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See post 1388 ( same joke )
P.S. the vaseline was said to be in the BATHROOM not bedroom ( oh alright so I'm being picky )
Adamus
Experienced member
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Yes, but he tells it much better.
Atilla
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Q.How many Lehman Bros employees does it take to make $1 profit ?
A. Well there's the usual workforce of 30,000 plus. Maybe 10,000 more or would it be 10,000 less, would be about right ?
rubbish
Sorry Pat, but I don't get this?
Pat494
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Sorry Pat, but I don't get this?
Sort of take-off of the " how many to change a lightbulb joke *
trendie
Legendary member
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Q.How many Lehman Bros employees does it take to make $1 profit ?
A: 12,320.
1,000 analysts, 1,000 traders, 200 directors, 10,120 support staff.
make a loss of 4billion.
sack the support staff.
sack analysts.
sack traders.
declare performance bonus of $1 for self.
get Fed to give you $4billion for bailout.
easy.
A: 12,320.
1,000 analysts, 1,000 traders, 200 directors, 10,120 support staff.
make a loss of 4billion.
sack the support staff.
sack analysts.
sack traders.
declare performance bonus of $1 for self.
get Fed to give you $4billion for bailout.
easy.
Kinger
Active member
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lol, sorry guys, missed it ... good joke all the same ..
Amazing how jokes travel so quick ...
As a way to encourage fans' support after their terrible start to the season, Tottenham have arranged free transport for their entire away support travelling to Newcastle on Wednesday night.
Apparently the taxi will leave White Hart Lane at 2pm..
Apparently the taxi will leave White Hart Lane at 2pm..
KillPhil08
Experienced member
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