Best Thread Joke of the day

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

laughlab.co.uk
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Spike Milligan.
 
MrGecko said:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Spike Milligan.
Click to expand...

Not sure if its spike milligan, but it was voted the funniest joke ever in a poll. I posted it earlier in the thread!
 
Two Spanish firemen, Jose and hose B...

There's this big old Irish Wolfhound lying in front of the fire, chewing a bone.
Then he stands up on his three legs...:LOL:
 
Two men, Worsal and Gummage, standing in a country pub, having a pint setting the world to rights. A walker comes in with his dog. The dog lays down at the foot of the bar and starts licking his balls to his hearts content. Worsal nudges Gummage and points to the dog, who is clearly enjoying itself....

Worsel: "I wish I could do that...."

Gummage: "Well give him a biscuit, he might let you".
 
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me
"Oi, what's your disability mate?"
I shouted back "Tourettes, you c**t, now F*** off!"
 
Man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

Wife replies " Your **** is bigger than your brothers!":LOL:
 
Man takes a Deer home and cooks it.
Kids ask what it is.
He says, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."
Little girl shouts, "Dont eat it, it's a f**king a**ehole."
 
Paddy and Murphy need a drink. They pool their cash, but only have 50p.
Paddy takes the 50p, goes into a butchers, and buys a sausage! They go
into a bar, order two pints, and down them quickly. Before the barman asks for the cash, Paddy puts the sausage into his fly and Murphy sucks it. Barman throws them out.
In the 10th pub, Murphy says "I can't do this anymore- me knees are killing me."
Paddy replies "Your knees? I lost the sausage in the 2nd pub!" :LOL:
 
I've just bought a racehorse, it's called My Face. I'm going to race it at Ascot.
It wont win...I just want to hear all the posh women shouting "Come on My Face!"..
 
Man comes home & catches his mate shagging his wife so he stabs him to death. His missus says, "f*cking carry on like that, you won't have any mates left."
 
Essex girl goes into PC world looking for curtains for her PC. The assistant tells her you don't need curtains for a computer. Essex girl says, "HELLOOO! It's got f*cking WINDOWS!!!"
 
Man goes to the doctors with a frog growing out of his head
Doctor says "How long have you had this?"
Frog says "Well it started out as a wart on my a*se!"
 
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