Best Thread Joke of the day

[Hoggums]

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.*
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'*


'There's something wrong with my c**k', he replied.*


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '*


'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.*


The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.*
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'*


The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.*
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.*


The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'*


'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.*


The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.*
'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'*


'I can't p*ss out of it,' he replied.*

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Paddy and Mick on a roller coaster.

Paddy says to Mick, "if this thing turns upside down, do ya think we'll fall out?"

Mick says " na ya daft twat, we've been mates for f*ckin years"

 

[Pat494]

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. The blonde says, "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."

"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you," replies her brunette friend.

So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.

The taxi drove them and when they finally got out the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See, that guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replies the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

 

[Pat494]

The UK electorate thought Gordon had put his "foot init" or both judging by the size of the debt.

One must wonder what will happen if their new leader Mr. Millipede puts all his feet "init" as well

or even more horrifying 2 * Millipedes Ed & Dave

 

[Hoggums]

Albert is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the **** are you doing Mick?" says Albert.

"Christ, Albert, you frightened the hell outta me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

 

[jimbo22]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and see's a parrot sitting on a perch...it doesn't have any feet or legs..

The guy say's aloud " Jees, I wonder what happened to this parrot "

The parrot say's " I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot "

" Holy crap " the guy replies, " you actually understood, and answered me "

" I got every word " say's the parrot, " I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird "

The guy asks " How do you manage to hang onto your perch without any feet "

" Well " the parrot replies, " this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. "

" You can't see it, because of my feathers "

" Wow " say's the guy, " You really can understand and speak English can't you "

" Actually I can speak both Spanish and English and can converse with reasonable competence, on almost any topic, including politics, religion, sport, physics and philosophy.

Im especially good at ornithology.....you really ought to buy me, I would be a great companion. "

The guy looks at the $200 price tag..." Sorry but I just can't afford that "

" Psssst " say's the parrot, " I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I dont have any feet, you can probably get me for $20, make the guy an offer "

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational, he has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day, the guy arrives home from work and the parrot goes " Psssst " and motions him over with one wing.

" I dont know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man "

" What are you talking about " asks the guy

" when the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie "

" WHAT !! " the guy splutters out

" THEN what happened "

" Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie, then began petting her all over " reported the parrot

" NO ! " he exclaims..." and she let him "

" Yes...then he continued taking off her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over "

Then the frantic guy demands, " THEN WHAT HAPPENED ? "

" DUNNO ?!? I got a hard on, and fell off my perch.! "

 

[jimbo22]

If only.......

 

[Pat494]

Savage Cuts in spending
There was some consternation in Whitehall today when it seemed likely that the whole of the British Army was surrounded and faced imminent capture. General Parts the officer in command complained loudly that he and his son Private Parts couldn't be expected to hold off the thousands of Taliban warriors indefinately. Apparently there isn't enough money to pay the rest of the troops and they had paid for their own flights back.

 

[bankruptcylawyer]

Paddy and Mick on a roller coaster.

Paddy says to Mick, "if this thing turns upside down, do ya think we'll fall out?"

Mick says " na ya daft twat, we've been mates for f*ckin years"

if this happens I think they can have more fun before anything else effect to them

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Tiger Wood's grandad said to him "concentrate on your golf and f**k everything else"

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

I got pulled over by the police the other day,

He said, "Papers?"

I replied with "scissors!"

I win!

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Message for Wayne Rooney ............

 

[Atilla]

http://www.trade2win.com/boards/mem...ose-ackroyd-s-pictures-picture1610-rooney.jpg

Still can't see anything???

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Get some ****ing glasses then .

 

[Atilla]

Get some ****ing glasses then .

Hey dude - I went to SpecSavers and they asked if your album was public or private?

If private (Only visible to contacts and moderators) you need to add people to your contacts so they can see your pics...


I guess they must be right - you can't teach an old dog new tricks...

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

I bow to your higher level of knowledge.

How do I de-privatise my album ??

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Ok, album now public.

Bejaysus I had no idea.

 

[Atilla]

I bow to your higher level of knowledge.

How do I de-privatise my album ??

You are embarrassing me now Ambrose. Not at all.

Wisdom of life has not substitute but time and experience.

I just didn't want to miss out on all your gems.

Many thanks

 

[Pat494]

Q. What’s the difference between an elephant’s backside and a letter box ?

A. If you don’t know I’m not giving you any letters to post.

 

[Hoggums]

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