Best Thread Joke of the day

Three blokes are sitting in a pub one Sunday afternoon, quietly supping their pints. The first guy turns to the bloke next to him and says:

"Have you got a car?"
"Yep" came the reply
"Do you have a nickname for your car?"
"Yep, I call it Kitten"
"Why do you call it Kitten?"
"Because I have a Jaguar, and when I drive it, it purrs like a kitten"

The first bloke nods his head in appreciation and the second bloke turns to him and says:

"Have you got a car?"
"Yep" came the reply
"Do you have a nickname for your car?"
"Yep, I call it Tiger"
"Why do you call it Tiger?"
"Because I have a Porsche, and when I drive it, it roars like a tiger"

The second bloke nods his head in appreciation and then turns to the third guy who is still quietly supping his pint.

"Have you got a car?"
"Yep" says the third bloke
"Do you have a nickname for your car?"
"Yep, I call it Clitoris"
"Why do you call it Clitoris?"
"Because I drive a Ford Focus and every cnut's got one".
 
Now that it seems like the Koran will not be burnt on Saturday , does anybody fancy joining me in burning a Jamie Oliver Cookbook ?
 
264804-ambrose-ackroyd-albums-ambrose-ackroyd-s-pictures-picture1632-1019-npadvsinglephoto.jpg



Reviled Florida pastor Terry Jones has upset legions of unemployed Brits by burning OK! magazine as preparation for his burning of the Koran. The pastor, who claims that he only discovered fire two weeks ago, has been “warming up” for his incendiary celebration of mong-dom by burning a variety of lesser publications.

“The Koran is dang hard to burn,” said Jones at his Florida ranch yesterday. “I mean, this is one heck of a heavy book. It’s hard-back, it has stitching, and a special kind of paper that I ain’t never seen before. You’re going to need some pretty dang good incendiary experience here, and I ain’t got that. I only discovered fire two weeks ago when I went out into the woods and rubbed a couple of sticks together. I said to myself then and I say to myself now, I ain’t never seen anythin’ like it, so I said – hey man, I could use this to destroy that Muslim book, the Ko-whatsit.”

Jones returned from the forest and started small, burning pages from the phone directory one by one. However, it was his admission that he had burned a copy of OK! magazine that has riled the British public.

“It’s not just any copy of OK! magazine”, ranted regular OK! reader Sharleennee Spitrash, from Essex. “It was the one wiv Jordan and Peter Andre on the front cover about how they is maybe gettin’ back together or something, and they had a well good special on how some celebs have too much cellulite or something. This Florida guy is deliberately taunting us. Apparently he burned each page individually, starting with the story about Cheryl Cole getting out of a car and flashing her knickers, and finishing with the one about Gok Wan’s ‘man bangers’.”

“This stuff is too important to burn,” she spat. “He has no idea how important it is to us.”

Hundreds have joined in marches to protest against the burning of OK! magazine, with one demonstration in Blackburn getting out of hand when an effigy of Terry Jones was set alight and trampled upon by Burberry-clad OK! readers brandishing “the holy magazine”, and holding aloft banners that read “Kill da paster OK!”

Jones himself though is unrepentant: “These people have to realise that the ultimate aim is the burning of this Muslim book, the Ko-thingummyjig. So if a few magazines get burned along the way, we have to look at the big picture. Only yesterday I angered three elderly people by burning Reader’s Digest – but these are hard times, and we have to endure. Magazines and books will get burned along the path to religious righteousness.”
 
There was an angry complaint in the News yesterday from Mohamed Jihad complaining that he hadn’t received his free copy of the Bible from Salt Lake City. He had planned to burn the book in Islamabad yesterday for 9/11 celebrations. Hilary Clinton etc had been invited to attend. She declined the invitation on the grounds of air pollution but said the USA would send a box of matches as a goodwill gesture. Mohamed forgot to mention she was asked to bring her own stake. He would have had a whip-around from his friends for the firewood.
He was quoted as saying “they could send a whole stack of Bibles if they like as its damn cold in the winter here”
 
The Pope and the Jew
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
 
Hoggums said:
Lifesize porn on your computer.
Click to expand...

The 2nd computer on the left with the smart mouse is the porn PC. It is outside the firewall and unrestricted. :cheesy:

Not sure if its true but I've been told this setup belongs to a UBS Trader.
 
A psychologist might argue that the guy must have a small pecker...I trade from an iphone personally.
 
If you are thinking of moving to the Confederate States

Arkansas Residency Application
Last Name: ________________ (last)

First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
 
I went up to a girl and said, "Do you swallow?"

She replied, shocked, "NO!"

I said, "Then how the f*ck does the food get to your stomach?"
 
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