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This is a discussion on my journal within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; Ok, back at work: I have only slept 6 hours or just 5 and a half. The moron is not ...

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Old Oct 6, 2009, 8:29am   #169
 
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travis started this thread Ok, back at work: I have only slept 6 hours or just 5 and a half. The moron is not playing the radio, oddly. Maybe, after complaining at worldly level, the word got out to him. The slut is not talking on the phone either.
Maybe I exude fatigue and they're giving me a break.
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Old Oct 6, 2009, 11:53am   #170
 
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travis started this thread This is part of the soundtrack of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest:


Last edited by travis; Oct 6, 2009 at 4:00pm.
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Old Oct 6, 2009, 2:10pm   #171
 
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travis started this thread Amazingly, I noticed I was wrong and that I am getting about 100 visits per day (rather than 50, as I wrote yesterday), as long as I write a few messages every day and keep the journal on top. This means that every month I will total 3000 visits. That's very good, because if I can keep this up for a couple of months, I will get to 9000 visits, which means being in the top 25 of all journals ever written here. I'll be a star. I am not talking about making money, but it feels good to be one of the top visited journals here. Sure, I've written most of the posts here, but that's not a flaw, is it. People, for one reason or another, are still visiting it. And I find it enjoyable to write it. Seriously, 100 visitors a day is not bad, considering that if you open a blog, an average one I mean, you won't get more than 10 visitors per day in the first few months. But here, from the moment you start, you get ten times as many. It's pretty good.

Too bad the guy in front of me survived my evil spell, and he's still there, alive, and blasting his radio and whistling at the same time. Regardless of me, and the lady in the room with us, who's a top manager. He doesn't pay respect to anyone, this animal in the body of a human. Why can't this guy just die? He should thank this journal because it's saving his life. You mother ****er, can you at least stop whistling the ****ing songs you are playing on the radio against all internal regulations?

minus 86 days 8 hours 52 minutes (to working 4 hours part-time or quitting altogether)
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Old Oct 6, 2009, 4:41pm   #172
 
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travis started this thread Back at home.

I was getting some snacks back at the bank, and someone was staring at me. I immediately sensed it, and realized I was dealing with a rude person. Nonetheless, I stared back and he stopped. Then I stopped staring and started staring at me again, that mother ****er.

It's a useless fight with rude people. Whether you teach them a lesson or not, they will still remain rude people, and in the end they'll always win because a rude behaviour doesn't cost them anything, whereas if they force you to be rude you're not going to feel good about yourself, no matter how much you may win. I could have shown him the middle finger, and then I would have felt like a mad man. But if he had to show me the middle finger, it would have been no big deal for him. The point is that the rude guy wins by throwing you off balance, without losing his balance. He upsets you without minding, without even knowing it in most cases, because he is rude but not necessarily mean. He then actually forces you to be mean to him, the meanest you can, because that's what it takes you to equal his rudeness. So, as I said, he wins. It's an unfair fight. He can kick you in the nuts without any efforts, whereas if you ever do so, it will take you a lot of thinking before you decide to break all the rules your momma taught you. Ultimately the only way you're going to win with a rude guy is by avoiding him, or educating him if you get to know him on a regular basis. But that's a different story. The story is usually that you do not know the rude guy, you meet him, he is rude to you, and you never meet him again.

Here in Rome, by Italian standards, there is a general rudeness in people, which comes with being from here. For them being rude is normal, and they don't consider rude behaviours even as rude. There's a lower standard. Yet, when I'm in Rome, I can't do as the Romans do - because once you're polite you stay polite. And I can't even educate the rude roommate I have. It's a useless fight. It's just like when you write a post, and someone comes along and disrespects you with trivial comments, or negativity. If you reply and get into a fight, you just lose, because he upsets you and ruins your mood, and, even by forcing you to reply to him, he trashes your thread. The best way to go, once again, is to ignore them - literally to put them on your ignore list - just as soon as you see a smiley or trivial/disrespectful comments. The same I should do with rude, dishonest people I get to meet in my life: not worry about punishing them. Trying to get away from them as fast as possible and with the smallest expense as possible. Just like applying a stoploss. I should bring more and bring financial and trading reasoning to my life. Not the sick one I apply in my discretionary trading, which makes me keep my losing trades open and doubling them up. That's what I did with this guy today: I kept my losing trade open by engaging in a staring context with a rude guy, who by definition had nothing to lose. I want that guy dead, too. May he ride on the bus with my roommate and may that bus be hit by an airplane filled with more rude people. See, wrong again. Just like for discretionary trading, I am taking things personally, whereas I shouldn't.

Wow, today I am losing big money: -800. Gotta show my discipline now that systems are doing so badly.

Veronica Corningstone Sounds and Sound Bites

That Expression Doesn't Really Apply, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Christina Applegate, Veronica Corningstone, Will Ferrell, Ron Burgundy, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004), Sound Bite
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Old Oct 6, 2009, 8:46pm   #173
 
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travis started this thread I can't stay away. I am quite unhappy about the vending machines incident, and I have nothing to distract me. I am obsessing about it, as usual. About a guy that I don't even know and that I'll never meet again. Just like sometimes I do with cab drivers I meet, that are rude or rip me off (5% of them try to). I obsess about anything. Today I went and bought ten shampoos. I don't want to run out of shampoos again. Many things I do obsessively are reasonable and most efficient that way, but that way I also never relax, because I am always trying to perfect everything I do, and trying to maximize returns. The streets I walk, I try to minimize the distance to walk, but also the noise I hear, and the people I meet. This way my life is extremely boring because I always do all the optimal things and everything is the same. At the restaurant lately (always the same), in the past year, I've been saying to the waiters: "you pick for me please, or else I'll always get the same thing". At home the maid cooks minestrone, and has been doing it for the past two years. I didn't get tired of eating it every day because I know it's the optimal thing to eat. All this stuff often reminds me of two movies I watched and liked: "the aviator" and "as good as it gets". Automated trading is the way of the future, the way of the future, the way of the future...

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Old Oct 6, 2009, 9:31pm   #174
 
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travis started this thread I am sure she misses me. She put her picture back, the same that she had when...
She looks ugly, and I am glad she looks ugly. But I find her cute.

I can't think straight anymore. I can only last another two or three months at the most. Then I'll have to go on pretty drastic part-time or leave. I am slow, all ****ed up. My counting, my thinking has gotten very slow. Like sometimes I have to add some simple numbers like 11 and 5, and it takes me a few seconds, to make sure the result is totally right. I gotta stop and think about it. I certainly wasn't like this before. Too many pivot tables, too much excel, and too many questions asked by everyone at work. The same applies to reading. It takes me a while to process what I read, even a simple and short sentence. I got all ****ed up by too much work. I hope it's temporary. They just squeezed me like an orange, as much as I allowed them to. No promotions, no bonuses - just squeezing and exploiting me. Except I felt it was my duty, and it felt good to be thanked. 100 readers a day, great. I've never been so popular. "Erraticness of my writing"... that moron.

I hope she gets fired and her life gets all screwed up and misses me even more.

I don't know what to do: I am extremely bored. I look back and forth at my emails, check them to see if I got any messages. Check my systems to see if they made any trades. Check my views on this journal, check my views on my profile. Empty life. Which is what allowed me to do so much work. But now I could start filling it up. I come home at 15.30. Then I do nothing. I get in the bath tub for two hours, get bored of that as well, and get out. Then what? I don't know. It's getting boring. No wonder I kept relapsing into discretionary trading, but then again I gotta be able to not relapse even if I have nothing to do. I don't want to be like those people who have to be around people all the time or they get crazy and restless. I gotta be able to function and be serene even by myself and with nothing to do. That's never the case, because if I have nothing to do, then I end up writing or thinking. All work on the systems is done in the weekends, too, so I really am going to have a lot of free time now, and even more in the future. I wouldn't want to quit my job and find out that I am bored, because then I'd prove right all those telling me "what are you going to do then, all day?". I'll find something better than being an employee. I'll be a writer, a director, or go to amsterdam and be a male prostitute. Or just a customer, most likely. Actually that I'll do for sure.

Last edited by travis; Oct 6, 2009 at 9:41pm.
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Old Oct 7, 2009, 3:19am   #175
 
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travis started this thread I just woke up in the middle of the night again. I had a nightmare, but the reason I woke up is that I was coughing. I am tired of being myself. I am tired of having to do the things I do. Sometimes I would like to be normal, just to stop thinking for a while, and not take everything personally and seriously. Not obsessing about things basically. That's how I was raised. My dad is just the same. In this case the object of my obsession is not trading, but a guy who was staring at me at the vending machines. I can neither kill him nor put him on the ignore list. I stared back. He stopped. Then I stopped staring back and he slowly turned and looked again. I stared back and he stopped again... the moment he won was when he made me uncomfortable by simply staring at me. I felt he was telling me I was strange. Then, by staring back, I felt that I simply confirmed that to him. That I was strange and dislikable. Maybe. I don't think he thought how likable I was, not for sure. Then... I could go on for another two pages. Just about a guy staring at me. He put me in a bad mood. For 24 hours. I don't like to be normal, and I don't like to be perceived as abnormal. And if a guy is staring at me, I am being perceived as abnormal. But I am abnormal in the very fact that I notice that, because I am told that most people don't notice if others are staring or not.

I am not writing to get to any solutions. I am writing just as I would talk. Talking makes me feel better.

Overall, I am not in the best of balances, never have been, but now close the worst emotional balance. I am being sqeezed like an orange at work. I haven't taken a vacation for a year already. These *******s give me 20 days of vacation a year, and I used them up already, two days per month, because I was tired from the start of the year. Tired of the noise people make, of people staring, tired of people. I am tired of people. I want quiet and polite people around me. I get bothered even by people who like me. I want delicate and discreet people.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/discreet

But the interesting thing is that people are not doing anything much to me. Like one guy look at me today. Or a cab driver annoyed me a couple of days ago. And all I'd need to do to feel relaxed and serene is wanting it. With a different attitude, and the same conditions that I have right now, I could be very serene. It's just that I am having a frenzy, an uncontrollable affective disorder in which the victim tends to respond excessively and sometimes violently.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/frenzy

When I am around people and I relax, things go better. I don't take everything seriously and personally. But now I can't sleep, I get upset about everything. I need a break. But I don't have any more vacation days.

In a sense even people looking up my profile are staring at me. They are curious and they are looking. But that makes me feel good, like an interesting person. But why then do I get bothered by a guy who stares at me like the one today? Because I felt he was staring at me not for the things I said (to my friend, who was next to me: I am going to get this snack, because so and so), but for either the way I looked or the way I talked, and that doesn't make me feel good at all. I want that guy dead.

Last edited by travis; Oct 7, 2009 at 3:45am.
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