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This is a discussion on my journal within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; Hello, my third reader. As usual I will answer as I read your post, step by step: Building a computer: ...

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Old Oct 9, 2009, 2:17pm   #193
 
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travis started this thread Hello, my third reader. As usual I will answer as I read your post, step by step:

Building a computer: congratulations on being able to build computers.

Yes, so far, since my last relapse into compulsive gambling, I have let my systems work.

Thanks for your implicit offer, but I can't build/test any more systems. I wish I could use your ideas, implement your system (for free), and use it myself as well - which would be the best way to go. Unfortunately I am exhausted from creating 37 systems (plus all those I discarded) in the past two years. I really cannot add any more. Now, after this huge quantity of systems of pretty good quality, it's time for me to focus on quality alone at all levels, but to leave quantity alone. Also because it's less tiring. Quantity has exhausted me. Maybe I'll get in touch with you in six months, so I can work on creating a total of 50 systems, or even 100 systems.

Your system sounds more complicated than mine.

I had predicted your implicit offer even before reading the last paragraph. What I said above applies to your explicit offer, with one difference. Go ahead and shoot your ideas (in private), if you trust me enough to not tell anyone, but I can't promise anything as to how much I will implement them. For sure I will do something: at least 15 minutes of work. That much I can promise. Other than this my brain gets overheated very fast. Also, beware that your ideas will stick to my mind, and I may use them myself in the future. Oh ok, I just saw that you wrote that you are ok with it.

Yes, as I said, I didn't tamper with my system, and in the process I learned the meaning of the verb tampering: "to interfere in a harmful manner", which perfectly describes my behavior towards my systems in the past 2 years.

tamper - definition of tamper by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.
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Old Oct 9, 2009, 3:11pm   #194
 
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travis started this thread Then again, if you prefer (but I wouldn't think so), we can discuss it here, in front the world. It is the usual talk about "pearls before swine": people who don't already know enough themselves won't even be able to take advantage of my advice and your ideas. They won't get what you are talking about unless they already worked their asses off (and if they did, they deserve to understand). However, I don't know if this is always the case. But often it is the case: I've given my ideas to others many times, and I remember that once some guy (pretty good trader, too, but not willing to share any of his knowledge: only willing to despise others) on elitetrader told me he was "appalled" at what I wrote, and said I had no idea what I was talking about. I got pretty offended, but ultimately I was happy to be able to speak the truth and not worry about people exploiting me.
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Old Oct 9, 2009, 4:38pm   #195
 
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travis started this thread I was this close to closing a short trade on the GBL because it is highly oversold. But I know that even if this one may work (I am really expecting to lose money because of my lack of intervention), what would follow (in the near future) the breaking of my "no tampering rule" is an avalanche of tampering that will bring me to blowing out my account within a few weeks. The GBL is way oversold, and it looks like it has bottomed and yet my short has just started now. But I am not touching it. I was THIS close to closing it, though. I thought about how much I would have disappointed everyone here and that extra help from you stopped me.
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Old Oct 9, 2009, 4:50pm   #196
 
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travis started this thread As I let my trades go, and they all turned profitable (despite all my predictions) for yet another day, I felt like Max Taber in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: the scream of victory, feeling the glory of finally making it. Even if he didn't make it, someone else finally broke free, someone he had always believed in. I root for my systems just like Max Taber rooted for McMurphy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Lloyd


Last edited by travis; Oct 9, 2009 at 5:01pm.
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Old Oct 9, 2009, 5:11pm   #197
 
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travis started this thread Holy cow... now they're all making a lot of money, amazingly. All at the same time, despite the fact that correlations (positive and negative) together with the direction of my open trades go against such outcome. Amazingly, I am not closing them. I keep telling myself: if I did so well yesterday, the day before yesterday and even now, it's only because I resisted the urge of closing a profitable trade or tampering in other ways with the system. I can't tamper with the system and expect or even just pretend that I was part of this success. He started the trades. I didn't do anything. What right do I have to close them? I would be betraying the guy who built this system for me, which is myself at a different time and state of mind. Do not betray the developer who did this beautiful job. Do not betray yourself. Do not betray the best in you.
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Old Oct 9, 2009, 6:29pm   #198
 
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travis started this thread It's a very strange and unusual feeling: after trying for so many (highly unprofitable) years and finally getting so close to achieving a high and stable profitability, actually while achieving it, I feel my fears increasing and causing me an almost unbearable level of stress. I definitely was more comfortable and relaxed when I was constantly losing, and having a constantly small bank account, always near zero.

Seeing success happen makes me afraid of failing all of a sudden. The real possibility and proximity of success makes me afraid I might miss. It's like being at the Olympics, at the final race, and I am expecting myself to win, and everything looks like I will win, and I've never been so successful in my life, and yet at the same time I've never been more afraid, because I have the opportunity of winning for the first time in my life and I am so afraid of blowing it.

I didn't get good grades at school, I didn't get any of the beautiful women I wanted, or if I did, just for very little time. All my life my dad has reprimanded me for not being as good as I could have ("you could have done better" is the nicest thing he ever told me). I don't like using this term, but I would say that I've never been a "winner", regardless of how others might have perceived me: I've never felt successful, nor satisfied.

So now this is a brand new experience. The systems are doing it all for me, so I can't even self-sabotage anymore (if that ever was the case, I am not sure about it). Success is happening, and I don't feel ready for it. The subconscious questions I hear repeating to myself are:
1) Will someone come along at the last minute and steal victory from me?
2) Will I die before reaching the finish line?
3) Will they kidnap me and ask me for ransom?
4) Will they steal my systems and make them useless?
5) Wlll they suddenly stop working?
6) Will I get so excited that I will screw up in one way or another? This last one is a big fear, because the more I succeed the more I get excited, and the more I get excited the more I engage in unprofitable behaviours.

Examples:
1) telling everyone how much I made yesterday
2) inviting a couple of friends at an expensive restaurant because of how much I made yesterday and telling them how much I made yesterday
3) planning to quit my job and telling everyone at work, and telling them why

Basically: talking too much. Here at the forum, there at work, and everywhere. Which brings me to another song by the Beatles, that applies perfectly to my situation, because it said: "Help me get me feet back on the ground...".


Last edited by travis; Oct 9, 2009 at 6:34pm.
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Old Oct 9, 2009, 6:34pm   #199
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Your away with the birds my friend

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Old Oct 9, 2009, 6:37pm   #200
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Its life but not as we know it..............

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