my journal

Thank you for your advice. It sounds reasonable. But I already went to see a few psychiatrists, and you're right they do listen to me. They listen, tell me nothing, and expect me to pay them a lot of money. I am not ok with it. I'd rather talk here or write a journal, or talk to one of those friends I keep on the phone for hours. If the guy is an idiot, and usually it's the case, it doesn't matter what degree he got from college. I'll still be talking to an idiot, and having to pay for it.

I suppose i agree.

Guess i don't know what would help you, i'm really too inexperienced with life in general to give advice on having a happy and fulfilling life

I guess maybe i think i'm a bit like you, maybe not - So i just feel i can relate, at the moment i'm feeling really good and i've done really well with my trading, excercise and gaining muscle, exams(Maybe not exams...), Got a girlfriend i really like even the personality of, planned to travel the world etc but i don't feel fulfilled at all; although i trick myself into thinking that i am. I guess i just don't know what i really want in life; I fear i'm someone who will never be satisfied with what i do and never be able to relax.

Hey, you definitely are quite mature. I would have never guessed that you were just 18. But the truth is that personality matters much more than culture, age, or anything else. Simply by the fact that you kept on reading my journal, we know that I'm closer to you than to someone else from Italy, my age, who's from my city, who even works at my bank, my height, everything like me... but our personality (which is proved by the fact that you can read what I write without being bored or disturbed in other ways) makes it so that not just you but all others reading this journal, regardless of their other characteristics, are closer to me than most other Italians. That's why something like war between countries is unconceivable, and I feel nothing for my country. Because I know I am much closer to other people across the world, than to random people from my country.

I'm not very patriotic either; i find it logically difficult to care about who wins in football, even though i love playing it... I just can't make myself passionate about who wins, England or Germany, i really don't care = I won't get the rewards, i won't get the trophy, money or women, respect or treatment that the footballers get.

I guess in a way that just indicates how selfish i am! But when i'm @ the pub with my mates and people are screaming when someone misses the goal, i just feel inside; totally different to everyone else and i know this is far to arrogant on my part; but i look around and just think how idiotic everyone is and how that isolates me in not being able to relate to their ignorance, however i'm the problem, not them.

I find it difficult to talk to alot of people; i always feel that are just stupid and idiotic. I think the mind blocks people from the truth and creates more conforting illusions, those educated to know about this and see their own truths don't have the bliss that comes from ignorance. I know though that i would prefer be them, than me, stuck for eternity with annoying re-occuring mind-consuming thoughts.

Anyway, your a cool guy Travis, don't let your mind get the better of you.

See? I feel just the same about football and rooting for any team. I've always felt the same as you and yet we never even discussed it here. I don't even try to relate to other people as far as soccer. I feel it's a waste of time to watch it on tv, to play it, to talk about it...

Everything you just wrote applies to me, and probably most of what I write applies to you. It's just how personalities work. They work in such a way that two people far away in age and culture feel the same way about almost everything.

And let me guess, you're atheist as well? Because I am. I bet that most of the people reading and writing on this journal are very close to us in most aspects.

Another term that comes to my mind to describe myself, and probably you as well, is:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/individualist

The very fact of writing a journal is a sign of being an individualist. The fact of not caring about soccer. The fact of trading, too - we try where most others fail. We try where most others do not try simply because they say "if it were possible, then everyone would be doing it, so it ain't possible, so I am not even trying". To us that's a stupid and faulty reasoning, and so we try. This is one of the reason we are all very similar in here, not just me and you but the others.

The fact that we trade sets us apart from others already. If you add to it, the Journal category takes this selection one step further. If you add to it the fact that we're either writing or reading the journal of someone who says he's got one or more personality disorders then you can see how all these parameters select a very small group of people, who all share similar characteristics, just for the simple fact of being here, on page 4 of the journal: sensitive, deep thinking, kind, polite, patient, intellectual... on and on. A guy from the herd doesn't even conceive that he could write a journal, even less read one. A guy from the heard basically barely thinks at all.

The narcissist (in the psychological sense), which I am, is the biggest individualist there is, to the point of hurting himself because of it. He never thinks in terms of "us" but always "me". He sees himself at the center of the world. I don't know if I am getting better or worse, but I know what I am at least.

I am not saying everyone hanging out here is a narcissist but most likely most traders, and even more those reading this journal and appreciating it (maybe because it explains to them what they are thinking, or it tells them someone else is thinking the same things), are people who think for themselves and not sheep - they don't like to be told what to think, and they don't take anybody's word for it, unless they first test it by themselves. I've been given systems before. I've never used any. I had to do it all by myself. Even at the start, I trusted my own simple ideas better than anyone else's advice. That's why I can't read books on trading, nor anything else, but I could write them. That's why I can't go to the psychiatrist without thinking they're idiots, but I could talk as if I were one (like I am doing here).

Basically, it's a mess. It's complicated to explain and to tell which are my flaws and problems, and which are my qualities. As I said, being obsessive may very well be one of the qualities. And so being an individualist.

Yeah Totally agree.
The question is whether being in the herd is better after all.


Yes i'm athiest; in some ways i wish i could get over my negative attitudes about God and the lack of logic and the clear fact that he doesn't exist; and just be a christian and have blind hope and faith and the other benefits that come from that... But i think for me to be able to revert to Christianity would mean i would have totally changed my entire thinking approach to just about everything i know.

I suppose i always have the problem of looking at the negatives; if i'm watching television; somehow i annoy myself by how the **** the editing in a problem is or how bad an idea a program is. For example Strictly come dancing, i spent the entire time talking out loud saying that i genuinely cannot think of a worse idea for a television program and then after i think to myself that my views are so negative; that i probably couldn't do better myself. In reality though; in my mind anyway, i could make a much better tv program... Maybe my lack of satisfaction in life is due to having strong opinions on everything without having any sort of standing/qualifications/skills to prove that i can do a better job.

Are you genuinely diagnosed with personality disorders or are you self-prescribed?
I've never really considered whether i have one; I'm so down to earth in my thinking that i have never considered i may have a psychological disorder beyond stubborness and emotions.

I think its interesting that your into movies because i very much am too; i think its because its one of the few times i can get away from thinking too much about everything

Whats your views on music? Interested to see if they are similar to mine

The thing about Narcissism; which i just googled; is that previously unaware of my problems, i thought that i was naturally good at everything and could do everything better myself; now i'm starting to realise that my brain creates an illusion of how good i am at things... Therefore when i lose/fail; its harder because i had such large expectations based on that illusion. At the same time though; i do genuinely think i'm good at things and it annoys me when things don't gratify that... For example; School work - I knew i was good and then they gave me a bad mark, i couldn't accept that i needed to improve, i would just tell myself that they are a **** teacher who can't mark... I guess i assume the worst in everybody and assume total trust in my own ability - Rightly or wrongly. Similar to your psychiatrist example; i went to the doctors to check up on something and they diagnosed me and i knew they were wrong... I had done my own research and i knew they were wrong in their diagnosis; Not that i know anything about the medical proffesion but i just always assume the worst in peoples abilities and feel that i can do most things - I think overall its bad. My brothers the same too

You say 'You could talk as if you were one' A psychiatrist; Sorry if my spelling is bad. I always feel like that about most things; I may not have the first clue about psychology but i always feel i naturally know the answers because i can logically figure them out... I think overall it just stunts further education in a subject through not having an open mind.

I've also always had a lack of empathy; when i see things on the news that others get really sad for; i just feel because its on the TV and that it has nothing to do with me, that i have trouble feeling sorry for them. For example; On the BBC all the time is stories of young men injured in war; i cannot feel sympathy because i cannot get past my own philosophy; Which is that if you go to a war and accept the rewards, you know the risks include death and if this is a consequence so be it, your the one that took that risk, not me; Therefore i cannot feel sorry for these men... If i went to war and died i would have taken that risk into consideration before going and i wouldn't expect sympathy, especially when they are fighting for reasons they as soldiers do not understand. I do think to myself that 'these poor men dieing from bombs' but i find it hard to empathise with their pain; i cannot get over the fact they took the risks and they deserve the consequences. I wish i could not feel like that though.

Oh and Travis; I payed someone to make me an automated system... I want to learn how to do it myself, to backtest systems - Make them, test them; All that stuff

Any recommendations on how i can learn, books, websites, software? I really have no idea
Would really appreciate it? Also do you recommend using indicators for systems or price action or?

Cheers Stallian.

I will reply as I read.

You sound very intelligent. You see, if you are intelligent and mature, you can reason better than other people regardless of age or anything else. I am sure you already knew that. Probably your parents passed on to you many of their good qualities: maturity, culture, intelligence.

I am self-prescribed with personality disorders.

Movies: yes, me, too. The good ones make me forget about my own thinking or criticising.

Music: over the years I have selected about 1000 of my favorite songs, and I put them on a dvd, and give them to people and tell them "these are the best songs ever written", and I almost feel like I wrote them.

Personality disorders: you can find many tests and resources online, even on wikipedia. And they can give you a better diagnosis than the average psychiastrist, who won't even start telling you about it ever or before you've given him maybe a few thousand dollars (not that I went to one for more than a few sessions).

School and grades: I had a similar attitude. When they gave me a bad grade, I stopped studying for that class, and "failed" the teacher, as if I said "this teacher is no good, because he can't appreciate me". I do the same with people: if someone doesn't like me, I fail them as well. I think that to some degree everyone does it.

Assuming the worst in everybody: yes, me, too. But it's just because I was brought to do things so meticulously that actually the majority does them worse than me, so it is a reasonable expectation.

Anyway, take a few of those online tests for personality disorders, and see that many things will qualify for narcissistic personality disorder. Or maybe not. I qualify almost completely. "Control freak" is another description of the problem, very close to "narcissistic personality disorder". But you know, maybe you don't have a problem. The problem is when it inteferes with your functioning and it makes you unhappy like in my case. If you can relate to people, be relaxed, and feel serene, then there's no problem I think, and then I don't think you have any disorder. Basically, do people perceive you as balanced or not? I am not perceived as balanced, nor do I perceive myself as balanced. All these addictions I have, especially my behaviour in trading, shows that there's something wrong, and that I haven't been able to fix it so far. On the other hand we also have to realize that we might be facing, as traders, situations of pressure (you're deciding your whole future with your trading choices), that would throw many people off balance.




I feel like I sound like an expert in everything I say. I may sound cocky or even ignorant, but I always feel that I've become enough of an expert to be opinionated and say "it is like this". Maybe I won't say much, but I will only say it if I am positive. 1+1=2. That's how positive I have to feel about something before I say it, regardless of my adding constantly "maybe" and "probably", which is just a ruse to be right all the time. If I didn't say "maybe" I would risk not being right, in case I said something wrong. And I realize that sometimes I say something wrong, even if at the time of saying it I feel that i am positive about it.



Lack of empathy: exact same thing for me. As I said, I feel that I am at the center of the world. I can't feel empathy. I tried to find out why one becomes like this, but it's long. However, the explanations they give on the web sound good to me: either too much attention, or too little attention when growing up. I was told I had to be the best, and yet I was also told I sucked because I wasn't succeeding at being the best. Maybe some coaches may sound like my dad, when they try to push their athletes to try as hard as possible - at least that's how they sound in movies.


Your "signature":
Pride in the process: big problem I have. Being individualist and narcissist and so on goes along with pride. That could be another explanation of why I failed for so many years at discretionary trading.