Best Thread Joke of the day
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phatbustered
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WarningMake sure speakers are on and dont listen if offended by the F word the W word C word and any other word beginning with a letter really!
http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/
http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and very distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and £1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent up to this point, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says:
"You shag her again."
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and very distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and £1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent up to this point, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says:
"You shag her again."
phatbustered
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Ok, can you spot 3 differences in these 2 pictures??
you must have the speakers on and the sound is very quiet so turn your speakers up or you wont hear it.
I will give you a clue the 1st one is by the ship, look closley
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
you must have the speakers on and the sound is very quiet so turn your speakers up or you wont hear it.
I will give you a clue the 1st one is by the ship, look closley
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
No hidden agenda as I am an atheist who as we know is a person with no invisible means of support ...
http://nod32.park.net.au/jesus.wmv (nicked from another site with thanks for a good laugh)
http://nod32.park.net.au/jesus.wmv (nicked from another site with thanks for a good laugh)
Amazing website.
Checkout old school photographs. You could find a photograph of yourself from your schooldays and also your classmates.
http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/wsp/index1.htm
Checkout old school photographs. You could find a photograph of yourself from your schooldays and also your classmates.
http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/wsp/index1.htm
timsk
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:cheesy:boy said:
This reminds me of the 'must have' LP from the mid '70's by the the rock band Caravan called 'Cunning Stunts'. Not as good as 'The Land of Grey and Pink', but the title made many a teenage boy chuckle, including this one.
Tim.
TheBramble
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FetteredChinos
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What do you call an exploding monkey?
A Orangabang
A Orangabang
FetteredChinos
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What do you call an exploding monkey?
A Baboom
A Baboom
starspacer
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A useful purchase for your wife after an argument... 
www.firebox.com/index.html?dir=firebox&action=product&pid=604
www.firebox.com/index.html?dir=firebox&action=product&pid=604
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish...............49
Adventurous..........Slept with everyone
Athletic.............No t*ts
Average looking......Ugly
Beautiful............Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.....Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure...On medication
Feminist.............Fat
Free spirit..........Junkie
Friendship first.....Former slut
Fun..................Annoying
New-Age..............Body hair everywhere
Old-fashioned........No BJs
Open-minded..........Desperate, BJ's an option
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...........Sloppy drunk
Professional.........Bitch
Voluptuous...........Very Fat
Large frame..........Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate......Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay!
40-ish...............49
Adventurous..........Slept with everyone
Athletic.............No t*ts
Average looking......Ugly
Beautiful............Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.....Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure...On medication
Feminist.............Fat
Free spirit..........Junkie
Friendship first.....Former slut
Fun..................Annoying
New-Age..............Body hair everywhere
Old-fashioned........No BJs
Open-minded..........Desperate, BJ's an option
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...........Sloppy drunk
Professional.........Bitch
Voluptuous...........Very Fat
Large frame..........Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate......Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay!
barjon
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"
"Yes,"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else
there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"Me."
urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"
"Yes,"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else
there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"Me."
SOCRATES
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I hate aimless shopping. I find it tedious to trail around shops and supermarkets. Fortunately my wife does all the shopping and very rarely engages me in this tedious duty.
Last week however, we go to a supermarket together for the first time in ages.
I am pushing the trolley, and she is filling it.
We go down an aisle, and there are two jolly fat ladies blocking the way, complete with trolleys, and armfuls of food, etc.,
Suddenly one says to the other "Would you like a mouse ?".
The other one dithers......
I find this very alarming, but intruiging.
So now the question is asked again, this time with more urgency....."Would you like a mouse ?".
Reply "Yes OK".
Now, I thought ....we are going to find out what this mouse is all about....
So she goes to the dairy shelf ......and pulls out a mousse.
HAHAHA.
Last week however, we go to a supermarket together for the first time in ages.
I am pushing the trolley, and she is filling it.
We go down an aisle, and there are two jolly fat ladies blocking the way, complete with trolleys, and armfuls of food, etc.,
Suddenly one says to the other "Would you like a mouse ?".
The other one dithers......
I find this very alarming, but intruiging.
So now the question is asked again, this time with more urgency....."Would you like a mouse ?".
Reply "Yes OK".
Now, I thought ....we are going to find out what this mouse is all about....
So she goes to the dairy shelf ......and pulls out a mousse.
HAHAHA.
