peterpr
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Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
- Start date
- Watchers 251
Salty Gibbon
Experienced member
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Liverpool Football Club are on the look out for some new talent and send a scout to Bosnia where they find a fantastic new player and bring him back with them. In his first game, he scores a hat-trick and the fans love him. When he gets home he decides to phone his mum and give her the good news, but when she answers she immediately starts crying. When he asks what the matter is, she replies, ‘Well, this morning your sister was raped by a street gang, then your little brother was savaged by wild dogs while playing football in the street. After that your dad was shot by a sniper and I was mugged and beaten up while shopping.’ The guy is gobsmacked. ‘Mum, what can I say? I’m so sorry.’ ‘Sorry?!’ she shouts. ‘It’s your fault we moved to Liverpool!’
Salty Gibbon
Experienced member
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The true meaning of being up Sh*t Creek
AlexAndrews
Member
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- 2
I can't believe I wasted time downloading and viewing that...
TWI
Senior member
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- 2,555
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- 267
Always support your wife
>A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
>He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
>couple in bed.
>He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
>While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck.
>Then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
>While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,
>"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
>He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
>years.
>I saw how he kissed your neck.
>If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells
>you.
>Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
>This guy is probably very dangerous.
>If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
>Be strong, honey.
>I love you."
>The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
>He was whispering in my ear.
>He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any
>Vaseline.
>I told him it was in the bathroom.
>Be strong honey.
>I love you too"
>A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
>He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
>couple in bed.
>He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
>While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck.
>Then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
>While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,
>"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
>He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
>years.
>I saw how he kissed your neck.
>If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells
>you.
>Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
>This guy is probably very dangerous.
>If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
>Be strong, honey.
>I love you."
>The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
>He was whispering in my ear.
>He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any
>Vaseline.
>I told him it was in the bathroom.
>Be strong honey.
>I love you too"
beam_me_up
Newbie
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lol!
fudgestain
Well-known member
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- 254
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- 9
twalker said:
"I refuse to arrive safely at life
only to tiptoe quitely through death"
Mmmm ..?
wasp
Legendary member
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- 5,107
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- 879
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he
wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull
and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was
talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy. "Yes",
replied his father.
"The bull just f*^ked the brown cow".
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said
"Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use
language like that in front of company. You should say
'The bull *surprised* the brown cow'. Now go and watch
and tell me when the bull *surprises* the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the
boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy".
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He f*^ked the brown cow again!"
wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull
and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was
talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy. "Yes",
replied his father.
"The bull just f*^ked the brown cow".
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said
"Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use
language like that in front of company. You should say
'The bull *surprised* the brown cow'. Now go and watch
and tell me when the bull *surprises* the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the
boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy".
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He f*^ked the brown cow again!"
A jobless man applied for the position of 'Office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him. Then watched him cleaning the floor as
a test. "You are employed," he said. "Give me your e-mail address
and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as a date when you may
start". The man replied, "But I don't have a computer, neither an e-mail."
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager," If you don't have an e-mail,
that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the
job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with
only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and
buy a 10kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door
round. Inless than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He
repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man
realized that he could survive this way, and started to go earlier everyday
and return later, thus his money doubled or tripled every day.
Eventually, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet
of delivery vehicles. Five years later he became one of the biggest
food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life
insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection
plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his
e-mail. The man replied, "I don't have an e-mail."
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an e-mail, and yet
have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have
been if you had an e-mail?!!" The man thought for a while and replied,
"Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story:
1) Email is not the solution to your life.
2) If you don't have email, and work hard, you can be a Millionaire.
3) If you received this message by email, means u missed a chance
to be a Millionaire.
Have a great day !!! Keep Smiling
PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS E-MAIL BACK TO ME AS I'M CLOSING ALL MY
EMAIL ADDRESSES AND GOING TO SELL TOMATOES !!!:
The HR manager interviewed him. Then watched him cleaning the floor as
a test. "You are employed," he said. "Give me your e-mail address
and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as a date when you may
start". The man replied, "But I don't have a computer, neither an e-mail."
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager," If you don't have an e-mail,
that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the
job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with
only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and
buy a 10kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door
round. Inless than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He
repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man
realized that he could survive this way, and started to go earlier everyday
and return later, thus his money doubled or tripled every day.
Eventually, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet
of delivery vehicles. Five years later he became one of the biggest
food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life
insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection
plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his
e-mail. The man replied, "I don't have an e-mail."
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an e-mail, and yet
have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have
been if you had an e-mail?!!" The man thought for a while and replied,
"Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story:
1) Email is not the solution to your life.
2) If you don't have email, and work hard, you can be a Millionaire.
3) If you received this message by email, means u missed a chance
to be a Millionaire.
Have a great day !!! Keep Smiling
PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS E-MAIL BACK TO ME AS I'M CLOSING ALL MY
EMAIL ADDRESSES AND GOING TO SELL TOMATOES !!!:
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day sh****ng the sheep and upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in
the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn."
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day sh****ng the sheep and upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in
the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn."
Dangerous Virus!
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely! If you should come into contact with WORK immediately put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. Forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 5.05.05:
After extensive testing it has been concluded thatBest-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely! If you should come into contact with WORK immediately put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. Forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 5.05.05:
After extensive testing it has been concluded thatBest-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
Two Irishmen were sitting at the window table in a bar which faced a Brothel accross the street.
After a while they saw the local Baptist Minister enter the Brothel.
"Aye" said Patrick "Tis a shame to see a man of the cloth embracing sin"
A little later they saw the local Rabbi go in
"Tsk, Tsk," said Dermot "even the Jews are giving in to temptation"
Then they saw a Catholic Priest arrive and go in
"Oh dear" said Partick "one of dem poor girls must be terminally ill"
After a while they saw the local Baptist Minister enter the Brothel.
"Aye" said Patrick "Tis a shame to see a man of the cloth embracing sin"
A little later they saw the local Rabbi go in
"Tsk, Tsk," said Dermot "even the Jews are giving in to temptation"
Then they saw a Catholic Priest arrive and go in
"Oh dear" said Partick "one of dem poor girls must be terminally ill"
Justice League
Junior member
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- 11
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- 0
Great Controversy
One day Jesus and Satan were arguing about who had the greatest
computer skills. They argued and argued. When they had drawn a crowd of
onlookers and were still going at it hot and heavy, the angels-- fallen and
not--started to take sides and make bets. Well God had had quite enough of this and decided to intervene. He told Jesus and Satan that there would be a programming contest between the
two that would settle the argument of who was better.
They both began programming day and night to win the contest. They were at their computers for an eternity when ZAP came a flash of lightning from God and their screens went blank.
The day of reckoning had come. "Well, let's see what you have done", said God. So, Satan reboots his computer calls up his program and the screen is blank. Nothing! He turns, smiles and looks at Jesus.
Jesus reboots his computer, calls up his program, and an infinite universe appears: Colorful, luminescent, in breathtaking 3-D, with populations of people and animals, building, working, eating, loving, giving birth, and dying.
"THAT'S NOT FAIR," shouted Satan.
"Oh, yes it is," God said, "JESUS SAVES."
One day Jesus and Satan were arguing about who had the greatest
computer skills. They argued and argued. When they had drawn a crowd of
onlookers and were still going at it hot and heavy, the angels-- fallen and
not--started to take sides and make bets. Well God had had quite enough of this and decided to intervene. He told Jesus and Satan that there would be a programming contest between the
two that would settle the argument of who was better.
They both began programming day and night to win the contest. They were at their computers for an eternity when ZAP came a flash of lightning from God and their screens went blank.
The day of reckoning had come. "Well, let's see what you have done", said God. So, Satan reboots his computer calls up his program and the screen is blank. Nothing! He turns, smiles and looks at Jesus.
Jesus reboots his computer, calls up his program, and an infinite universe appears: Colorful, luminescent, in breathtaking 3-D, with populations of people and animals, building, working, eating, loving, giving birth, and dying.
"THAT'S NOT FAIR," shouted Satan.
"Oh, yes it is," God said, "JESUS SAVES."
