Best Thread Joke of the day

[Riftvalley]

There an excellent coach company located nearby with very friendly and helpful drivers. One driver, Sam, particularly likes taking the elderly folk on trips to the seaside.
His regulars always supply Sam with a gift of a bag of nuts when he takes them to the coast.
On a recent Christmas trip to Weymouth, as usual Sam was supplied with his bag of nuts and whilst the old folk were away shopping he parked his coach near the sea and happily consumed his bag of nuts while he read the paper.
Being a very kind driver he went into town and purchased a small gift of some Terry’s Chocolate Oranges for his passengers. When they all returned to the coach he presented them with their gift and told them that as was near to Christmas it was in return for being so kind to him with his regular bag of nuts.
“We are so pleased that you like the nuts” said his elderly passengers “it’s just that we do like the chocolate coated almonds but they are a bit hard for our false teeth so after we have sucked the coating off we keep them specially for you”.

Sam now only drives the school buses.

 

[Riftvalley]

****er me!

 

[Riftvalley]

Read last picture carefully!

 

[Tenapenny]

Read last picture carefully!

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o’clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can’t you remember
about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he’s told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

No matter how good she may look you can be sure that somebody, somewhere is sick of putting up with her sh1t

 

[Adamus]

No matter how good she may look you can be sure that somebody, somewhere is sick of putting up with her sh1t

Not if her boyfriend happens to be 16 years old.

 

[Pat494]

Beware the " outer wrapping "

it's what's inside that counts

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Bill, let's call her Monica

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Evolution

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

 

[Pat494]

The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's ****?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.

"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

 

[Pat494]

There was a young trader from Belize
Who had a flying trapeze
With the greatest of ease
He flew off off the trapeze
And broke both of his knees

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Correct version ......

There was a young trader from Darlington
Who had a flying trapeze
With the greatest of ease
He flew off off the trapeze
And landed flat on his back

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

The government today unveiled their new plans for combating bird flu

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in women.

Unfortunately 95% of them spat it out !!!

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a piece of toast?
You can make soldiers from a piece of toast

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
(Schwartzkopf)

"War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II."
(Tom Brokaw)

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
(don’t know)

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
(Marge Simpson)

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

So I parked my big 4x4 V8 in the disabled parking bay at Tesco.

Some do-gooder shouted "Oi, what’s your disability then mate?!".

I shouted "Tourettes you f****king w***ker, now p1ss off !!!".