Best Thread Joke of the day

Traditional Englishman Scotsman Irishman Joke.

Englishman in a club stands up and declares " my son was born on St George's day, and we called him George"

Scotsman stand up and say's " That's nothing, my son was born on St Andrews day, and we called him Andrew".

Irishman stands up and say's, "Now there's a funny coincidence, the same thing happened with me and my son Pancake"
 
Ethel in the Nursing Home

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
 
Three sisters were flying for the first time when one of them said
i´m gonna wear an orange jump suite,as if the plane crashes in the jungle the rescuers will find me quicker.
the second sister said,i´m gonna wear a yellow jump suite,as if the plane crashes in the sea the rescuers will find me quicker.

the third sister said i´m going naked as it dose´nt matter were we crash
the rescuers always look for the black box first.
 
Hung Chow called into work and says
"Hey boss i no come work today, i feel sick, headache, stomach and my legs hurt I no come work"
The boss says "You know Hung Chow I really need u today. When i feel like this i go to my wife and tell her to give me $ex. That makes everything better and i go to work. You try it"
2 Hours later Hung Chow calls again "Boss i do what u tell me and i feel great I be at work real soon. By the way you got a nice house "
 
There's this boy about 8 years old and his Dad's a farmer and the boy loves tractors.He has pictures on his walls of them and little toy tractors he plays with.
On his 15th Birthday, his Dad let's him drive the tractor. So the boy gets in, gets everything ready, and reverses right over his mum.The boy went into a frenzy and tore down all his tractor posters and threw all his toys in the bin.
On his 18th Birthday, his Dad takes him to a pub for his first legal drink of booze. The barman asks him how he liked the pub and he said "Aye, it's not bad, but what's all this smoke?". The barman says "I don't know, I can never get rid of it". So the boy says "I might be able to help you" and the barman replies with "If you could help me, I'd give you a free drink everyday!"
So the boy takes a massive deep breath and he walks outside and exhales. He comes back in and the smoke is completely gone. So the barman turns to him and says "How did you do that!?".


The boy replies - "I used to be an Ex-tractor-fan"
 
A woman says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?""Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?""I don't know, but it worked for your a$$."
 
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.

Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger.
He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts.
 
A Guy Hears A Newsflash On The Radio That A Car Is Driving The Wrong Way Up The M1 And Causing Mayhem, Concerned For His Wife Who Travelling Home He Calls Her And Says 'darling Be Really Careful Driving Home There A Car Drivng The Wrong Way Up The Motorway She Says 'one Car Theres Fu...ng Thousands!
 
Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around the supermarket when they collide.
The first bloke says to the second, sorry about that, I was looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention.
Thats alright says the second bloke, it's a bit of a coincidence, but I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little bit desperate.
The first bloke says, well maybe we can help each other, what does your wife look like.
The second bloke says, she 26 years old, 5 foot 11 inches tall, blonde hair, and legs that go on forever, she's wearing a tiny crop top, and a mini skirt.
What does your wife look like?
The first bloke says, Oh it doesn't matter, lets look for your's.
 
A conversasion between god and adam goes like this.

God. Adam I want you to do something for me.

Adam. Gladly lord, what would you have me do.

God. Adam go down into that valley.

Adam. Lord, whats a valley?

God explained it to Adam.

God. When you get to the valley, cross the river.

Adam. Lord, whats a river?

God explained a river to Adam, then said go to the hill.

Adam. Lord, whats a hill?

God explained to Adam what a hill was, then told Adam, on the other side of the hill you will find a cave.

Adam. Lord, whats a cave?

God then explained to Adam what a cave was, then told Adam that inside the cave, you will find a woman.

Adam. Lord, what is a woman?

So God explained to Adam what a woman was.

God. Adam I want you to reproduce.

Adam said. How do I do that?

God said (under his breath) Bloody hell, and explained reproduce to Adam.

So Adam ggoes, down to the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Five minutes later Adam had returned to where he left God.

God his patience wearing thin said angrily, what is it now?

and Adam said.................................................................................




Lord, whats a headache?
 
did you hear about the ice cream man who was found dead in his van?
the funny thing is they found him stark ******* naked covered in sherburt and nuts with a flake up his ****.
the coppers reckon he "topped" himself
 
why are hurricanes named after women?




when they come they're wet & wild
but when they go
they take your house & car with them.
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a ginger female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,"No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, And again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to out last him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian."
 
Guy walks into a pub with his dog and the landlord says "Sorry no dogs in here
please"

The guy pleads with the landlord as he has no other way of seeing the
Aussie-England match and the landlord finally relents on the condition that the
dog is well-behaved and doesn't foul anywhere.

As the match progresses Jonny Wilkinson produces a lovely drop-kick to put
England in the lead and the dog promptly leaps up on the counter and jumps up
and down in celebration.

Stunned, the landlord asks the guy ïf he does this for a drop-kick what heppens
if England score a try ".

The guys replies....................................................
...........
...........
...........
...........
...........
...........
...........
...........
...........

"Dunno, I've only had him for three years"
 
What do you call a Scotsman in a suit.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.THE ACCUSED
 
ESCAPED CONVICT

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom - Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
 
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive!"
 
A blind man walks into a Bar and has a drink. After talking to the occupants for a while he asks if he can tell a 'blond joke'.

The woman behind the bar replied, "Well, you can tell a blond joke in here but bear in mind I am blond, my partner who's the National arm wrestling champ is blond, the woman sitting next to you is the County mud wrestling champion is blond, the woman sitting the other side of you is a karate instructor and she’s blond and the woman who's just walked in has just been let out for murder and she’s blond too. So do you think you really want to tell a blond joke?"

"No" said the blind man. "Not if I am going to have to repeat the punch line five times."
 
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