Best Thread Joke of the day


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Another little real life anecdote from me - not a joke as such - but it made me laugh . . .

Yesterday, at the ar$e end of the day, Mrs. timsk and I went into a Warren's Bakery just before it was about to close to get a couple of Cornish pasties to take home for our evening meal. As we walked in, the smiley sales assistant offered us all sorts of cakes and sweet pastries at vastly reduced prices, but no reduction on the last two large pasties costing £3.89p each - which was all we wanted. With a big cheesy grin on my ugly mug and a £5.00 note in my hand, I asked: "what about the two remaining Cornish pasties - can we have them for a fiver?" "No" came the reply, instantly wiping the smile from my face. Then, after a pensive moment, she said: "I tell you what - how about I let you have them for £2.00 each?" So I handed over my fiver and, in return, she duly gave me the two pasties and £1.00 in change! "Have a nice day" she said. "Oh I will" I replied, "in fact - you've just made it!" True story.
Sad reflection on today's educational standards. Bit like the supermarkets where the "giant multi-buy" works out more expensive than the small individual packs. Crazy world!
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Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.

But hell does that burn!



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In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”



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Murthy's Law of Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
(a)when you're ready for them.
(b)when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
13. If you draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
14. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
15. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
16. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
17. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
18. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
19. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
20. Friendly fire isn't.

21. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
22. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
23. Five second fuses only last 3 seconds.
24. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
25. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
26. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
27. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
28. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
29. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
30. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. Interchangeable parts aren't.
32. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
33. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism (in boot camp).
34. The one item you need is always in short supply.
35. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
36. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
37. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
38. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
39. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
40. When you have sufficient supplies and ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
41. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
42. If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.
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The funny side of waste disposal

Came across this driving through Milton Keynes yesterday. I was tempted to put it in the UK Politics / Brexit thread.

poo lorry.JPG
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Quite possibly.

All this Brexit stuff has dulled your sense of humour!
Maybe, but what's this message about the past defining us.

The past is behind me and I usually flush it down the loo.

Don't carry luggage.

Our actions in the present define us in what we stand for and our future.

You getting melodramatic in your old age :cheesy:

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