Glossary of new stock market terms & definitions


Glossary of new stock market terms & definitions

The decline of stock markets around the world has redefined the investment environment. To reflect these changes, here is a glossary of the most-used terms and their new definitions.

Momentum Investing
The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing
The art of buying low and selling lower.

Poorer than you were in 1999.

P/E ratio
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

"Buy, buy"
A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard & Poor
Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst
Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market
A six-to-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery and the husband gets no sex.

Stock Split
When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner
A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction
The day after you buy stocks.

The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Call Option
Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Day Traitor
Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

A condition temporarily remedied by Viagra.

Sidekick of Poncho.

What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 a share.

Windows 2000
What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 a share.

Institutional Investor
Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

Religious guy who talks to God.

Bill Gates
Where God goes for a loan.

Alan Greenspan