my journal 2

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I mean to not dwell on psychology, because I was never able to explain what was wrong with me, and even if I did, that might not solve the problem.

We should just proceed by trial and error and see what works.

Let's say that what works is getting stoned, or swimming, or whatever else. This approach might solve my problem much faster than trying to explain every single aspect of my behaviour.

Yes, something is wrong. These 13 years show something is wrong with my trading and my behaviour in general: maybe the thrills, maybe the counter-intuitive nature of trading, maybe something else.

But some things seem to be clear and I should act based on them. Here's a list in random order:

1) automated trading makes me money
2) discretionary trading loses me money
3) looking at charts causes me to trade discretionary
4) staying the internet causes me to look at charts
5) staying at home causes me to stay on the internet

So I should try to not stay at home. However, it's very hard to stay out all the time. Especially in a city like rome, which is loud, and i don't like. I don't like the rude people in rome.

If I could live by the sea, I could make money. But to live by the sea I need to quit my job, and I to quit my job and I need to have money from the start.

I don't see any answer right now. The more I'll stay home the more I will risk discretionary madness. Even now, I am home, and I am at the computer.

And if someone asks me to go out with them, I'll say no, because I never think it's worth it. Never in my life I have found it worth it to go out with friends and have a pizza. It was never an exciting thing to me. Yet that's what everyone else does. That's all they do in life. "Let's go out have a pizza". People work all day long, or study all day long, and all they do, as children or adults, is go out and have a pizza. That's their reward. But that's not enough for me, and I'd rather stay home. Watching a movie by myself or making an interesting phone call to me is more exciting to go out for a pizza. So, when in rome, I always end up staying home, and at home there's computers and then I turn them on and then... discretionary trading.

If I were at the beach house, I could swim and be outside, and it'd be worth it, with no other primates around.

But here, I am surrounded by all these chimps, and it bothers me to be around people, basically. Unless I can choose exactly who they are. There's a lot of people I would like to exterminate.

To sum it all up, let's not dwell on psychology, because the answer is simple and it's this: find a way to not stay at home for longer than 10 hours a day. Or find a way to not stay at the computer for longer than 2 hours a day. All then will be solved, no need for any psychology.
 
travis said:
I mean to not dwell on psychology, because I was never able to explain what was wrong with me, and even if I did, that might not solve the problem.

We should just proceed by trial and error and see what works.

Let's say that what works is getting stoned, or swimming, or whatever else. This approach might solve my problem much faster than trying to explain every single aspect of my behaviour.

Yes, something is wrong. These 13 years show something is wrong with my trading and my behaviour in general: maybe the thrills, maybe the counter-intuitive nature of trading, maybe something else.

But some things seem to be clear and I should act based on them. Here's a list in random order:

1) automated trading makes me money
2) discretionary trading loses me money
3) looking at charts causes me to trade discretionary
4) staying the internet causes me to look at charts
5) staying at home causes me to stay on the internet

So I should try to not stay at home. However, it's very hard to stay out all the time. Especially in a city like rome, which is loud, and i don't like. I don't like the rude people in rome.

If I could live by the sea, I could make money. But to live by the sea I need to quit my job, and I to quit my job and I need to have money from the start.

I don't see any answer right now. The more I'll stay home the more I will risk discretionary madness. Even now, I am home, and I am at the computer.

And if someone asks me to go out with them, I'll say no, because I never think it's worth it. Never in my life I have found it worth it to go out with friends and have a pizza. It was never an exciting thing to me. Yet that's what everyone else does. That's all they do in life. "Let's go out have a pizza". People work all day long, or study all day long, and all they do, as children or adults, is go out and have a pizza. That's their reward. But that's not enough for me, and I'd rather stay home. Watching a movie by myself or making an interesting phone call to me is more exciting to go out for a pizza. So, when in rome, I always end up staying home, and at home there's computers and then I turn them on and then... discretionary trading.

If I were at the beach house, I could swim and be outside, and it'd be worth it, with no other primates around.

But here, I am surrounded by all these chimps, and it bothers me to be around people, basically. Unless I can choose exactly who they are. There's a lot of people I would like to exterminate.

To sum it all up, let's not dwell on psychology, because the answer is simple and it's this: find a way to not stay at home for longer than 10 hours a day. Or find a way to not stay at the computer for longer than 2 hours a day. All then will be solved, no need for any psychology.
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If you believe this, then you should make these life changes (move to the coast etc) in order to be profitable i.e. first. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't trade at all!

You're clearly a clever and capable guy, but not able to control strong desires. What you are talking about with life changes is a way to remove these desires. If that is not psychology, then what is?

What I'm saying is that you should start here. Find someone to help you get to the route of this so you can get past it
 
I don't believe in psychiatrists if that's what you're suggesting.

As another friend said to me "if you keep on doing the same things, you'll get the same results", so you're right there should be some life changes.

I can't quit my job now, especially after losing the money from the loan (loan from the bank I am working at).

I hope the changes will happen naturally, by themselves. Sometimes that's the case. Especially this time could be the case, because it's not like I am lazy or anything. It's just that i have some negative forces within me. There's even too much strength and compulsiveness in me.

I hope I'll be able to calm down. If not, things I was hoping for won't ever happen.

Maybe I'll just relax. All these discretionary trading disasters are a byproduct of stress and anxiety and compulsiveness. If I were able to just sit, peacefully, none of this would have happened. My system was producing 4k per month, and there was no need to rush it. But I went ahead and rushed it, and lost it all, once again.

I still have a little capital left (less than 20% of what I had a week ago). If I don't rush it, it could produce maybe 1 to 2 k per month, which would still be enough to pay the server's rent, and add some capital to what i have.

Maybe, after seeing that all this worrying and stressing has produced nothing but disasters, I will calm down.

Let me know if you have any ideas. Psychiatrists are no good: total crap and bull****.

This automated trading deal needs a whole lot of calm and patience. Something really not human. Something humans are rarely equipped with. Discretionary trading requires even rarer qualities, but that's out of the question for me. I am just saying even letting your automated trading systems work, without interfering with them, still takes a lot of patience. Maybe not self-control (like for discretionary), but even more patience than discretionary. Doing nothing, week after week, month after month... and my life is already totally empty.

And everyday I'll open the trading platform and see what is going on and... be tempted to trade. There will always be that temptation in the back of my mind. On the other hand, I am kind of tired of losing since 1997.

Sometimes I feel like I am almost looking for all possible ways to lose, but then i eliminate some of them each year. At the start I was losing because of excessive spread (options). Then I switched to the right broker, right instruments... but I still had no edge. Now I have an edge, but I still, by doubling up on losers, found a way to lose everything, even if I am right more often than wrong. Now that automated trading can do everything by itself, I am not happy because it doesn't make money fast enough... it seems like I just want to keep being restless and unhappy. Like being content is not an option.

I can sit still for a few months, but then restless takes over again, and it just takes a few trades to incur into the one loss that will blow out your account.

It's as if there were two sides to my personality: the hard-working ant, and the suicidal trader. The hard-working ant is always working, but then once a month, the suicidal trader blows away everything that has been built.

If I could totally lose the habit of discretionary trading, this would be history, because, even in times of restlessness, I might drunk a few beers, smoke a few cigarettes, but not blow out my account.

Right now, I take out my frustrations on my trading account. I think that's what happens with most discretionary traders. That's why not just me, but none of them will ever be safe from such disasters. It's just too easy to look for rewards in the markets, and, as a trader, to let your emotional balance affect your financial balance.
 
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movie on greece and more...

I was watching this movie, Z, by Costa-Gavras (very good resolution, despite being on youtube):


Quite good as all his movies.

Then studied some stuff on the subject:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_military_junta_of_1967–1974

This lead me to study more on the subject and read about the last king of greece:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Constantine_II_of_Greece
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_Royal_Family

And I found this fascinating documentary (very well made):


Then I went on wikipedia and looked for ancestors (the king of greece were danish) and found out that many royal houses began here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_V_of_Oldenburg

If wikipedia went back further in time, I guess we could find that the original ancestor was a member of some barbaric tribe in northern europe.

But wait, now I went on thepeerage.com and managed to go back in time (father of father...), and got to early 1100s and they were already someone:
http://thepeerage.com/p841.htm#i8408

The first documented ancestor on the web is:
Egilmar I Graf in Lerigau

But probably if you ask queen elizabeth she can go back a bit longer.

But wait. More here:
http://fabpedigree.com/s060/f302809.htm

More here:
http://dcodriscoll.pbworks.com/Oldenburg_(early_house)

Great link here:
http://genealogy.euweb.cz/oldenburg/oldenburg1.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Oldenburg

Ultimately it all began with this guy:
http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egilmar_I._(Oldenburg)

Where the hell is Oldenburg?
http://maps.google.com/maps?q=Olden...159947,8.272705&spn=1.620498,4.916382&t=h&z=8

South-west of Denmark.

http://www.royalhouseofgreece.gr/
 
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Good Time Max by James Franco

This is a good one:
http://www.letmewatchthis.com/watch-12204-Good-Time-Max

It reminds me of my friend dan, never taking responsibility for his life. Instead I am like Max's brother in the movie: taking full responsibility for work and other situations. Always sober and alert. Dan, always irresponsible and having a good time, disregarding his own property and others'.

This James Franco is a very good actor, always starring in good movies.

This is a very good and understated movie. Extremely well made. Holy cow: James Franco is the director of it! This is really something. This guy is a genius.

I can't believe this movie doesn't have an entry on wikipedia. It's really a pity.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Franco

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0469913/
http://www.allmovie.com/work/good-time-max-392255

Plot Synopsis by Mark Deming
Actor James Franco wrote and directed this independent drama about two siblings who are by turns raised up and brought down by the bonds of family. Max (James Franco) boasts a genius level IQ, and his brother Adam (Matt Bell) is nearly as bright, but while Adam has the common sense and ambition to make something of his gifts, Max's greatest talent seems to be getting into scrapes and disappointing those around him. Adam has a successful practice as a doctor in New York City, but when Max foolishly tries to swindle some well-connected drug dealers, he has to leave the Big Apple, and somehow persuades his brother to take him to California. On the West Coast, Adam is able to use his medical background to get a lucrative new job, and Max fast talks his way onto the staff of a computer firm. However, Max's inability to stay on the straight and narrow and face his responsibilities quickly resurfaces, and when he starts using crystal meth, he loses his job. Adam also experiences a stretch of bad luck and loses his job, and as a sense of desperation takes hold, he starts joining Max in his drug fueled excesses, leading both down a road to destruction. Good Time Max received its world premiere at the 2007 Tribeca Film Festival.
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Police: Man Angry About Slamming Door Killed Neighbor

That's it. This mother ****er neighbor slammed the door once too many: it's 4 am in the morning. He comes back from whatever party he had and he slams his door. I've done a search on the internet and a majority agrees people don't slam doors on purpose, but it's his stupidity and carelessness that's bothering me. He doesn't deserve to live for how stupid he is.

Here's a similar article about a story like mine:
http://www.wftv.com/news/7359552/detail.html

The neighbor couldn't take it any more and he killed the bitch.

Police: Man Angry About Slamming Door Killed Neighbor
Posted: 7:30 am EST February 23, 2006
Updated: 12:53 pm EST February 24, 2006

BELLEVIEW, Fla. -- It's an unusual motive for murder. Investigators in Belleview said slamming the door drove a man to kill his next-door neighbor in Marion County.

Investigators believe Betty Shepperd was murdered over something that sounds extremely trivial. They said 45-year-old Vito Loiacono was irritated that Shepperd was slamming the door at night and waking him up.

The two allegedly argued earlier in the day and then Shepperd's friend said she got a strange phone call from someone else in the complex.

"[The person] said, 'The reason I'm calling you is I saw Vito coming out of Betty's apartment.' I said, 'That can't be,'" said Shepperd's friend, Maria Folks.

Folks went to Shepperd's apartment and found her in the bathroom, where she had been stabbed to death.

"I found the door ajar. I started yelling, 'Betty! Betty!'"

Other neighbors told police they saw Loiacono carrying a plastic bag behind the building. Investigators found the bag with a knife and bloody clothes inside and arrested him.

Now one of Shepperd's closest friends is stunned by her death and what apparently led to it.

"She didn't do nothing to that man," Folks said. "She got along with everybody."

Loiacono is in the Marion County jail charged with first-degree murder.
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This Loiacono is my hero.
 
here we go again... woken up by the neighbor

Here we go... he slammed his door on his way out and he woke me up. This guy even litters the hallway, he's a total animal, him and his wife.

I am contemplating neighboricide. But at least I won't say hi if I ever meet any one of them again.

http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=news/local&id=7418199

Man kills neighbor, shoots HFD captain over noise dispute

HOUSTON (KTRK) -- Authorities say a man opened fire on noisy neighbors overnight, killing one man and wounding two people including a Houston Fire Department captain.

Harris County deputies say they were called out to the home on Oak Knoll several times for noise complaints Saturday over a party. However, the noisy neighbors did not let up.

Investigators say the man who originally called deputies went to his neighbor's house with a gun and opened fire, killing homeowner Kelly Danaher. The suspect also shot and wounded two other partygoers, one of whom is an HFD captain.

Karen Dupont with HFD said Ricky Johnson, Senior Captain with HFD Station 74, "is in very serious condition. We're watching and hoping he makes it through the worst of it."

Police say the suspect was disarmed and restrained by other people at the party. He suffered non life threatening injuries, was treated at a hospital and arrested. Murder charges are pending against him, police say.

Danaher was a physical education teacher at Sorters Mill Elementary in the New Caney Independent School District. A spokesperson for the district said, "New Caney ISD is deeply saddened for the loss of a great teacher and mentor to so many children in the district. Our thoughts and prayers are with his immediate and extended school family. Clergy and grief counselors will be on hand at the school tomorrow. "
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Take this guy above. He was probably a loud and arrogant ******** and got what he deserved, but now everyone is mourning him. The neighbor complained about the noise, but these arrogant *******s didn't stop - actually one of the guests was a police captain, so they felt safe. Then the neighbor feels treated unfairly and of course he loses control. Damn, was he right in feeling abused. If people lose control after complaining about something like this, they shouldn't even go to jail for shooting their neighbors.

Why do rude people always have to win over polite people? It's only fair that every once in a while one of the rude people will get killed. If you notice it's always an older neighbor who kills a younger neighbor or neighbor's dog. It's always a polite person who kills a rude person. There's only so much abuse a polite person can take before losing control.

I remember, when I was 25 and living in Central Europe, working at another bank, one morning a neighbor got out on the hallway and asked me, very upset, why I had to slam my door every time I left at 8 AM. I said sorry and I never did it again. The reason was because the door was defective. But i found that if I used the key, I could also close the door without bothering him. He was right.

Now, if even a polite person like me doesn't remember to not slam the door because he could bother neighbors, I guess we could forgive our neighbors for doing the same.

But what about the littering? I guess we can forgive people for not having parents who taught them any good manners.

But tell you what. I want to at least maximize their efforts, so I will definitely not say hi to them when i meet them, so they'll know something they do is bothering me. Hopefully they'll know it's the slamming of the door. If they don't know, I'll let them wander, because I was always nice and so they'll know it's their fault.
 
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more on neighbors

Look here. Who's right here? The complaining neighbor, no doubts. It's going to be a problem if this kid's dad thinks his son is right. Actually that is why his son is behaving like this to begin with: his dad never gave him a proper education, for stupidity or arrogance.


It would be ok, if things escalated and the dad and his son got killed, in my opinion. I would not put the neighbor in jail. He should first call the police, as he said he will do.

Here's more examples where the angry neighbor is right:


Wow, even in Norway, there's rude people.



I would sue him, together with the other neighbors.




Here's advice from a lawyer:



Ok, here the right person is the one with the dog: this kid has no right of shooting a film on him:



Now, these people are not just oblivious - they're plain criminals:



This one is right, but she shouldn't be shooting a video:



More legal advice about noisy neighbors:



 
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Moscow Victory Parade June 24, 1945

An incredible document available on youtube (very high quality images):

 
more on trading addiction

From:
http://www.smartmoney.com/investing/stocks/online-trading-addiction-the-warning-signs-9917/
...
The following are the warning signs of a possible online-trading addiction:

· You're a thrill seeker and enjoy the challenge of trading as much as — and maybe even more than — making money.
· You're a big risk-taker, willing to gamble large sums of money on a few stocks.
· You invest heavily on margin and are probably overextended on other credit lines.
· You have unrealistic expectations about a stock's prospects for increasing in value and the general direction of the market.
· Family members and friends express concern about your trading.
· You try to erase your losses by taking bigger risks.
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Wow, almost all apply to me.

Here's another one. I'll mark in red what applies to me:
http://traderfeed.blogspot.com/2006/11/addictive-trading-getting-your-life.html
Addictive Trading: Getting Your Life Back
My recent post on out-of-control trading brought many email inquiries and insightful comments on the blog. One of the common questions voiced was: How can you tell when a trader is passionate about trading vs. addicted to it?

The first step in dealing with any addictive pattern is identifying it--and identifying it as a problem. Here are a few questions that you might ask yourself:

* Have there been times when I told myself to stop trading, but still found myself placing trades any way?

* Do I find myself overtrading by putting on positions with too large size or by trading during periods when nothing is happening?

* Have my trading losses created problems for me in my relationship(s), or have they caused financial problems for me?

* Have people close to me told me that I need to stop trading?

* Is the pain from losing more extreme than the satisfaction from winning?

* Do I find my moods fluctuating with my P/L?

* Do I trade simply out of boredom sometimes?

* Do I find myself preoccupied with trading outside of market hours at the cost of other work and relationships?

Notice that, for many of these questions, you could substitute the word "drinking" or "gambling" for "trading". The dynamics of addictions are the same across the board. If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, I would suggest that trading has become a problem for you.

How does one deal with addictive trading? The first step is to identify it, but the second--and harder--step is to acknowledge that you need help for it. It's pride that tells us we can handle it on our own through will power, but addictions wouldn't occur in the first place if will power were sufficient to prevent consequences.

Telling yourself you can manage your own addiction is itself a form of denial.

That is why a key step in Alcoholics Anonymous is acknowledging that you are powerless against alcohol.

That is why AA substitutes mutual support for drinking and advocates abstinence as a goal.

Through books, self-help groups, and counseling, you learn to identify the thought and behavior patterns that drive your addictive behaviors. You also learn to identify cravings in advance and channel these in productive directions.

Most of all, you regain a measure of control over your life and end the negative consequences of the addiction.

If you find yourself unable to control your trading and you find the emotional, financial, and social consequences mounting, that's not a passion for trading. It's an addiction.

Do the right things:

1) Close your account.

2) Get help.

I do not provide private counseling myself, but will be happy to assist with a referral in your region. If these posts help just one person turn his or her life around, that will be one of the best returns on investment I've ever achieved.
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I won't close my account, because I need to keep on using my automated systems, but that's what makes it hard to stay away from compulsive gambling.

Here's another good one:
http://onlinestocktradinginformation.com/uncategorized/stock-market-gambling/
Stock Market Gambling
Are you addicted to gambling? How about taking risks? There are many who are literally addicted to gambling and the stock market is their drug of choice. There are many options available for their gambling pleasure and the tables, it seems, are always open with various markets around the world opening up to US money and the prevalence of Internet trading venues that are available to the average investor through nothing more sophisticated than a computer and a modem.

Day trading is a particular draw for those who are addicted to gambling through trading stocks. It provides the ups and downs very similar to the roll of the dice or the ringing of the slot machines and instant hits and misses. It can even be addictive for those who have never set foot in a casino. Of course this type of investing isn’t the only investing that is very much like gambling. Any high-risk investment is going to bear some similarities, especially those that offer high payouts to those who do succeed on occasion.

The problem is that addictive gambling can be devastating to friends, family, and finances. If you suspect that you or someone you love has a gambling problem you need to either get help yourself or encourage them to get help. There are many ways that this can be accomplished and anonymous help can be found online. Day traders have gained so much notoriety as potential gambling addicts that gamblers anonymous has begun a support group specifically for those who are addicted to gambling via day trader trading.

If you have the personality that is easily addicted to things such as lottery tickets, slot machines, chocolate candy bars, etc. this doesn’t mean that you can’t ever trade on the stock market it just means that it might be a good idea to avoid some of the higher risk trading and stick with more slow and steady options such as mutual funds, CDs, and the like. Your rewards are likely to be better over time and you aren’t likely to experience the ups and downs that go along with activities that closely resemble gambling.

An addiction to gambling is a serious problem that can ruin a family financially. It is imperative that you get the help you need if you discover that you have a gambling problem. The first suggestion is to close up all stock market accounts that could lead to temptation. Removing temptation is always a great first step when fighting any addiction. You also need to seek support. There are many groups around the country such as gambler’s anonymous that can provide you a close knit support group whenever temptation strikes. If your local chapter has a group that is designed specifically for those who are addicted to gambling through day stock trading that might prove to be the best choice to help you on the road to recovery from your addiction.

If you have been addicted to gambling in the past you should also avoid the temptation that day trading may present. Addictions may be overcome but they are never cured and temptation for many can prove to be the fatal downfall. Do not allow your gambling addiction to take control of your life once again by entering into the world of day trading after working so hard to overcome your addiction in the first place and build a life after the sometimes devastating effects that addictions can bring.

Gambling is nothing new to the world and there is nothing wrong with having the sort of personality that likes to take a gamble on occasion. In fact, there needs to be a little bit of that personality type in every day trader. It’s when the gambling becomes a problem and takes over your life and your ability to make rational decisions about the money and the risks you are taking that it crosses the line between gambling and a gambling problem that borders on or is a gambling addiction. If you have crossed that line, get help today.
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The part I always seem to disagree with is "get help". What the hell does that mean? "Get help" usually means go see a psychiatrist, but that's bull****, because the psychiatrist is usually a moron, who just sucks more money out of you. The only way to do it is to do it yourself.

The part I agree with is "removing temptation". I have always been good at avoiding addictions by removing temptations. Because of this, I have never had problems with eating, smoking, drinking or similar. However, with trading I can't do this, because it would mean throwing away all my system trading work. It's the first situation where I have to control myself without being able to remove the temptations. It's equivalent to not eating too much but have your refrigerator (presently empty) full of all kind of sweets, to not smoking but having plenty of cigarettes and marijuana in your house, to not drinking but having all sorts of beers in the refrigerator.

Not an easy thing to do.

Anyway, according to all these three links, I do have a gambling addiction problem. But only as far as trading where I believe i have an edge. I have never had any other gambling problems.

Yet, now, more and more of these parameters apply to me. Until a week ago, I was never in debt. In 13 years of trading I was never in debt. Now, last week, I blew another account, this time with money from a loan. This time all parameters apply to me and I fully qualify as a compulsive gambler.
 
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leaving soon (summary of these last few days)

Tomorrow my friends are coming. I already paid for their trips, I paid for their stay... the only thing I didn't pay for yet is their dinners, which at this point I can't pay anymore, even if they ever allowed me to do it, because they're complaining (but they're cheap at the same time).


I am not that happy about them coming, because I've recently lost over 80% of my capital (from a loan), and now I am very poor and in a bad mood. I've got no one to blame but me. And I don't exactly know how I did it, as usual. I would sum it up - as usual - as a gradual succession of rational steps that nonetheless lead me to disaster:

1) If I trade discretionary I will increase my small capital, because it's a fact that I am usually right about my calls on the market, so I am more likely to make money than to lose it.

2) If it's fallen a whole lot it makes sense to go long so I will go long.

3) If it's fallen even more, it makes sense to go long another contract because it's even more likely to bounce.

4) If it's fallen even more, it makes sense to go long yet another contract...

5) I can't open another contract but it's fallen too much now for it not to bounce now. It would be stupid to close my positions at this point.

6) The EUR kept on falling for 3 days without bouncing and I blew out my account


Now, all the steps are rational, but the one that caused my financial ruin is step number 3. It seems rational because you're now betting more on an event which is even more likely to happen, but all of a sudden you're betting everything you have on just one single event, and that is the problem right there. That's one of what stuart mcphee called the "counter-intuitive" aspects of trading.

The single contract added after a further fall makes even more sense than the first contract you had bought. The problem arises when you have all your money invested in one bet, as margin (because otherwise it may not even be a problem, if you buy forex for example, without any leverage).

This is basically like russian roulette, that is what I did, by doubling and tripling and quadrupling my investment: I said, look, there's only a very small chance of there being a bullet in the gun, so I am pressing the trigger, because if I win I get paid a lot of money.

I would have played russian roulette if I risked only a slap on my cheek, or something like that, but i would have never risked my life with a gun, no matter how low the probability of dying.

With trading instead, that is what I did. All of a sudden, without realizing it, I said: ok, i am betting my balls on this trade.

Anyway, I've talked about these feelings long enough, long enough to realize that, just as I had found these things before, next time, it will happen again. As long as I start trading again, I won't use a stoploss, for a series of reasons, and then, as long as I don't use a stoploss, I will double on a losing trade, and then I will blow out my account again.

As long as I start trading, I will basically blow out my account again, for sure.

The moment I will set myself up for financial ruin will be the moment I start trading again, because I just cannot keep myself under control.

But even this realization was never enough to keep me off trading. Even blowing out accounts for 13 years has not taught me to not trade discretionary.

I feel rushed to make money because i don't want to spend my life at the bank and that's how - among other reasons - I start trading again. And, after less than a month, I lose everything I've made with discretionary trading, and often even I blow out my account.

No hope. Only hope is that beyond a certain amount of defeats and losses, my memory will learn and retain the lesson. But now the lesson is fresh, so it's not like I can be reassured by how much it bothers me. This journal, started in September 2009 is already full of "never again" posts, all regarding blowing out my account, and all achieved by doubling up on a losing trade.

Maybe complaining about it is counter-productive, in that it gives me relief. I stop worrying about what I did, and soon I feel ok, and it happens again.

A lot about this self-destruction is still not clear. I know it happens and it's likely to happen again. I don't know why. It might be caused - as far as I can sense - by either:

1. an excessive drive to make money,
2. an excessive drive/disbelief/anger to not be told I am wrong by the markets,
3. a drive for thrills given my boring life, or
4. a drive to self-destruct, or
5. impatience.

Or a combination of the above.

There's no hope, no capital, no nothing for me. I think I should get a second job and try to make a little more money on the side and deposit it in my trading account. Maybe when money costs me efforts, I will "respect" it more (as Adamus likes to say, using "respect" for inanimate objects).

A feeling of patience could be brought about by aging. I notice that in the weekends I sleep more and better simply because as i get older i feel less restless. This decreasing restlessness might benefit my trading (or better, cause a lack of discretionary trading, which is what I need).

Things I still cannot fix any time soon are the other possible causes I mentioned: drive to make money, anger when I am wrong (taking things personally is something I do in every field), etcetera.

I have a long way to go still. No matter how good my systems may be, if I am prone to gambling, I am no good as a trader. No one's money is safe with me, not even my own money. I shouldn't ask for loans any more, ever. I should just earn it at work or elsewhere, and invest money i earned. That's the very least, and even then I wonder if I'll respect my own money.

Maybe I am punishing myself for having had such an easy life, where I was never concerned about money. I ignore the real value of money, that is a fact.

On the other hand, this is not the sole cause of my problems, because I am pretty sure that not all successful traders were born dirt poor. But then again, you might learn the value of money if you are rich, and not learn it even if you're poor. Learning to manage money has little to do with how much of it you have, after all. It could be a cause of how well you manage it, but not the consequence. If you know how to manage it, you'll have more than if you don't. Not the other way around, whereby if you have a lot you learn how to manage it and if you have little you don't learn how to manage it.

Anyway, in terms of practical consequences, these long talks are useless. I've written and thought all these things before, but it didn't bring me any benefits.

The real test in the future is if I start trading again or not. If I do, all this meant nothing. All that happened didn't teach me anything. I remember just a couple of days, or just one day before the disaster, a friend asked me... actually i told him i was happy because i had made 3k with discretionary trading in just a few weeks and that i made money on 9 trades out of 10. And he said "as long as you don't lose 90% with just one trade...". And then I said "no, it won't happen - i have figured it out". Lol. Then it did happen, 24 hours later.

If you will ask me in 2 months what I am doing (as long as there's any capital left), don't listen to anything but if i am trading (discretionary) or not, because I will be reassuring you that everything is fine and it's all under control.

I even remember getting away with awful trades by doubling up 3 weeks ago, then saying "never again" to someone else. Then, a week later, I did it again. And kept getting away with my martingale methods for about one month, until, as I said, I blew out my account again.

I am more retarded than my maid buying milk when it comes to discretionary trading. She buys almost expired milk, and I do what I do. Each one is blinded by something. I call her stupid because i don't see what's blinding her. But others will call me stupid because they're not seeing what is blinding me. Maybe the biggest thing of all, which is blinding me, is my unwillingness to lose - my stubborn resistance to quitting. I don't want to quit my trade. I hang on to it, just as i hang on to my ideas during a debate and so on. I am like this, resilient, in everything I do.
 
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back home, waiting for my friends

How long more... how long more of this crap?

I am back at home from yet another tiring day at work. I am the only one working his ass off, or at least me and another 20%. The rest do nothing all day.

Totally broke, below zero, and yet I just went and paid the hotel for my friends from highschool. My philosophy is that it's better to do little comfortably than a lot scarcely. I won't take any more vacation for the rest of the year, but I don't want to be cheap with my friends, since they're coming to visit me from the other side of the world.

Now what. Now they're coming and in two days we're leaving for some other place. I will be back in two weeks. Of course I am bringing the laptop with me, so I can continue to run my systems from the server.

Regarding that server, I have figured out a very good non-interfering schedule, but certainly that still won't be enough to keep me from interfering. It just makes it a little easier.

I have been running the server for a bit over a month now and everything is automated, and I only - according to the schedule I mentioned - have to connect to the server once a day, at my 7.30 AM, to save yesterday's work (TWS got turned off many hours earlier by the auto-log-off feature), and restart both TWS and my excel workbook. 15 minutes of work every day.

Too bad all this automation hasn't kept me from messing with my systems and placing enough discretionary trades to finally incur in the one that blew out my account. Too bad.

Nothing I can do about that, though. It's like asking a dog to not bark. I guess I can't keep everything under control. At least this has been the case so far. I am not fully rational and under control.
 
What do you mean, that something I wrote is ugly? Who is ".ignore"? I don't find it fair that you write just half a sentence and make me feel mocked or even just wonder if I have been insulted: it seems superficial and disrespectful. I do not mean to offend you (just in case I am mistaken about the sense of your post), but seeing the post above makes me feel insulted so I can't help hiding it by placing you on my ignore list.
 
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Martin Scorsese - My Voyage To Italy

I just finished watching these and it was worth it.

 
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