my journal 2

[Yamato]

more on hypnosis: Steve G. Jones

I am back in my room, and since today I managed to sleep a little more easily thanks to hypnosis attempts (I listened to her for 2 hours) on youtube, I am now investigating more on it.

I found this enlightening article:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/test_your_hypnotizability.html

YouTube has many hypnosis sessions recorded by professional hypnotherapists that are a great way to test out how well you react to the hypnotic process. Search for the likes of Jon Rhodes, Steve G. Jones or Roger Moore and you’re guaranteed a high level of quality. You can sit at your computer and experience a hypnosis session for yourself, which is as good a way as any to see if you can be hypnotized.

Of the three people he mentions I found all of them on youtube but the most appropriate choice seems to be Steve G. Jones. This is really serious stuff. In other words, I am getting good at finding quality in this field as well.

So I will post a video by him, that i've been watching and where he is trying to hypnotize me. But first of all let me tell you what happened and why I've just interrupted his video. To begin with I am pretty sure I am not the ideal subject to hypnotize (too much of a control freak), no matter how much I do want to be hypnotized, so I can sleep better and faster.

In this video I will post now, just in case I will be falling asleep (because he says I might fall asleep), he starts off by telling me to imagine a place I consider the most relaxing place, and that is easy because that's the place I always talk about here, where i want to move, the island. But then he says "imagine a time in your life you were very confident" and then he keeps going. It is not that easy for me to remember a time when I was really confident. So I had to stop that video and i came here to take advantage of this break, but also for some brainstorming on how to help him hypnotize me.

When was I very confident? Never, really, because my dad killed my confidence from the start, and it is like this till now.

He made me very very insecure by constantly criticizing me for anything i did or said.

But for Steve I could find a time when I was the most confident i can remember.

Since the early 2000s my confidence has been decreasing, because I never made my dreams come true, so it started to decrease when I realized that. Working ****ty jobs, with ****ty colleagues... vito now... many reasons to not be confident... never getting promoted. Even at school I sucked but I had reasons to dream about the future, whereas now I don't even have the dreams anymore. My only dream is to quit my job and be left alone. But no dreams of grandeur anymore.

So anyway, to answer the question that made me interrupt the hypnosis session, I was never confident until 18, because I was always too close to my dad. Then I moved abroad and my dad's influence decreased, but I didn't have a great time either, so... then I came back and that sucked as well.

My biggest confidence must have been between 18 and 27 probably, right before quitting my job at the first bank. But then again confidence is very related to happiness, so I must find a period where i had both basically.

Got it. Summer of 1996. Not even all of it, but just some weeks of it. I remember particularly a night when I was playing ultimate frisbee, and then there was this girl waiting for me after the game... yeah, that was the most confident period of my life. Maybe even the happiest period as well.

Anyway, that's what I'll think of when at 7 min 45 seconds he will ask me again to "easily remember a time in my life when I was very confident...". Let's hope that he doesn't tell me to do anything more for which i need to do more research first.

Here's his channel, a very good one:
http://www.youtube.com/user/stevegjones

And now hopefully, I'll fall asleep thanks to the remaining few minutes of his video. I'll keep talking about this subject in the next few weeks, most likely.

Nope, it didn't work, but I've done more research. This is amazing, here. It's either bull**** (but he's in good faith, so it's not a scam for sure) or it's some very interesting stuff:

I will now ask myself if I really want to go to sleep or not. I am pretty sure the pendulum will tell me "no". I need to find a string first.

Ok, it said "no" for sleeping but also "no" when I asked if I want to make money in the markets. Maybe it doesn't work.

Let's do some research.

http://www.zimbio.com/Psychology/articles/Qu62-EI_mH6/Can+move+pendulum+only+power+thoughts

But how does this whole thing work? Let me assure you: it’s not a supernatural occurrence! It’s based on the so-called ideomotoric answer, that refers to the connection between thoughts and according movements. In other words: only thinking of the pendulum to swing can be sufficient for our brain to send impulse to our muscles to move. Since it’s not a “direct order” on moving, the level of signals are really low. In certain cases, however, – and our experiment is that case – you can observe this effect directly. The pendulum helps us to “amplify” this extremely small impulse from the brain that comes merely from the thinking of moving the pendulum.

Yeah, this sounds reasonable and scientific, the article above I mean.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideo_motor_response

It is strongly associated with the practice of hypnosis, whereby 'yes' or 'no' answers may be given by indication of a physical manifestation rather than a verbal one; such results are produced by 'pre-suggesting' the correct response and attaching it to either the left or right hand side of the subject's body.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideomotor_effect

The ideomotor effect is a psychological phenomenon wherein a subject makes motions unconsciously. As in reflexive responses to pain, the body sometimes reacts reflexively to ideas alone without the person consciously deciding to take action. For instance, tears are produced by the body unconsciously in reaction to powerful emotions. Automatic writing, dowsing, facilitated communication, and Ouija boards have also been attributed to the effect of this phenomenon.

Check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Automatic_writing

George (Georgie) Hyde-Lees, the wife of William Butler Yeats, said that she could write automatically. In 1975, Wendy Hart of Maidenhead said that she wrote automatically about Nicholas Moore, a sea captain who died in 1642. Her husband did research on Moore, and he said that this person had resided at St Columb Major in Cornwall during the Civil War...

 

[Yamato]

more steve jones

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o7j2dSnMSE

This below is as good as that other lady's video (maybe slightly better or maybe I am more tired and that is why it worked better, even though i am still here writing):

 

[Yamato]

Steven Hall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTPkSPwGQ_M

http://www.how-to-hypnotize-people.com/

 

[Yamato]

The Risks Of Hypnosis

http://www.articlesbase.com/alternative-medicine-articles/the-risks-of-hypnosis-494456.html

I don't know if I want to become a hypnotist anymore... too much work and responsibility. I might read more about it though.

 

[Yamato]

Richard Nongard

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e93mZMaixqw

 

[Yamato]

Sean Michael Andrews

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtQtL0nO0x8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypv459TFiMs

 

[Yamato]

Katherine Anne

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuFIySpkB34

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5glxCmFEDsU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zU7luKtmLzk


Andrew Becker

 

[Yamato]

more scatter plot analysis

Resuming from here:
http://www.trade2win.com/boards/trading-journals/85510-my-journal-2-a-194.html#post1364438

This scatter plot represents my systems for sharpe ratio vs number of trades. I have excluded those with a negative sharpe ratio, that's all.

I will now, once again, mark in green the systems that we are trading, and in red those that we should start trading, once we have enough profit behind us (so far we're down 2000 dollars, because we didn't include the right systems from the start - I wish I had used this chart before).



As you notice, it seems harder and harder, as the trades increase, for my systems to keep a high sharpe ratio. On the other hand, I will balance this fact by forgiving the systems for:
1) a low amount of trades when they have a high sharpe ratio
2) a low sharpe ratio when they have a lot of trades

In some cases that is only a part of what I am doing because I am trusting a systems with a high sharpe ratio and a few trades because of back-tests and nature of the system (such as with NG_ID_2), but I am not trusting others because they belong to a group of systems that has otherwise had mixed results (such as CAD_ID).

In other cases, there's systems with a bit more trades and a lower sharpe ratio like YM_ON_2, which is not being considered for trading because it is a duplicate of ES_ON_2, which is performing better (the futures have some differences, the systems are identical).

Some names are unreadable and it doesn't matter because I haven't selected them for trading nor plan on doing so. But the two names that are circled in green and red and whose characters overlap are, circled in green, ZN_ON_2 (we're trading it), and, circled in red, CL_ON_3 (we should start trading it as soon as possible).

This scatter plot is all we need to quickly spot good systems to trade. It also quickly tells us that, out of 66 systems I have, only about 35 are profitable, and only 20 are worth trading with real money. But this is only for the future, because right now, out of 66 systems I have, 6 we're trading with real money, and only another 6 we will have to add as soon as we reach a profit of 5000 dollars. So the percentage is actually under 10%.

Quite amazing. Now imagine if I had listened to those telling me to just build one system and not bother with all the systems I've built. I'd have nothing at all right now.

 

[pingvin123]

Re: more scatter plot analysis

The times when I went to my dad and asked him to tell me about the political situation are over. For over 10 years our relationship was only limited to me asking him about politics, just because that was the only way to have a relationship since he won't give a damn about how I am doing and what I am doing. He never asks, and if he asks it's about how many people there are at the office, and the surface of the building, and other bull**** questions. He will never ask me if I am happy at the office, and won't listen if I ever tell him anything about that. May he burn in hell. He treated me my whole life as if I were a guy he met at the bus stop.

LOL, are you sure you are not talking about my father?

 

[Yamato]

I am sorry you have had a crappy relationship with your father as well.

 

[Yamato]

A Complete Induction Script for Hypnotizing Anyone by Steven Hall

http://www.mindpowernews.com/HypnosisCheatSheet.htm

The first thing you need to know is that hypnosis is a very natural state. It requires no special power to hypnotize someone. If you can talk you can hypnotize.

In fact, it is such a natural state that people go into hypnosis regularly without even realizing it. The most common natural states occur while gazing into a fire or when driving (it’s that moment when you suddenly realize that you are unsure as to which route you have just driven home!) If you were to listen to some positive suggestions while in these naturally occurring trance states they would have an effect on you… so be aware of commercial radio on long journeys!

When you intentionally hypnotize someone what you are doing is operating the switch that puts them into this natural state at a time of your (and their) choosing, so that you can use it productively...

He has a gift for teaching and speaking/writing clearly and to the point.

 

[Yamato]

Last night I had a talk with my mom (and scatter plot)

Two things. First the talk with my mom, and then some reflections on the scatter plot.

She asked me if I would go and have dinner with them. I said I was tired of interacting with my dad, because he shows no reactions to what I say. He stares into space and shows no interest nor empathy, no matter what I say. My option is either to be interrogated on the technical details of my life (area of the buildings I work at, people, ages, etc.), or be lectured on whatever comes to his mind: the coca cola can in front of us, some political issue, the history of rome, etcetera.

She said "but look, since you stayed 3 hours with us this morning, it would look strange if you didn't show up" and "he's making efforts and he wouldn't understand".

I said "after decades of putting up with his abuses, I need better efforts, and at any rate even if he makes efforts it doesn't mean I have to keep on going out of my way to put up with him: I have the right to be tired".

Then she kept insisting that he might be offended and I said "did he care about me getting offended for being treated like crap by him my whole life? Why does everyone have to be so delicate around him and instead he gets to treat everyone like crap?".

My mom is always like that. Even if we were dealing with some criminal, like Bush, or Hitler, she would ask me to make efforts and look at their qualities or accept their shortcomings because they "have problems, because of how they grew up".

So even last night she told me "he has problems". I said "I have problems, too, because of how he made me grow up". And "I get offended, too". And "why do i have to be the only one to modify my character to suit him?".

Basically, interacting with my dad means humbling yourself, because everything about his face and words constanlty denies your existence. Your thoughts do not matter. They only matter as long as you're answering his questions. For the rest you can be quiet and listen to him, in admiration. You have to show interest for what he says, but he shows no interest for what you say, no matter what you talk about.

Even if on tv they show your favorite movie, taxi driver, the next thing you hear is my dad trying to teach you something about your favorite movie or actor. He doesn't even think that you might have something you'd like to tell him. As I've said before, once I was on the phone with my dad from overseas and I said to him "I've got a good job, I've got a girlfriend... I am happy". He replied "you have no reason to be happy: all you have right now is your health and one doesn't even know how long that will last".

And, mother, you tell me that I have to worry about showing for dinner or he might get offended?

She will often reply that yes, the past sucks, but now he's making efforts. Yes, I told her: but the efforts are very small and he never even apologized for the past. And also: the past does count. Otherwise justice and prisons would not make sense. A serial killer could say: "hey, why are you putting me in jail? I haven't killed anyone for a few months...forget the past: now I am making efforts".

You can't just ask me to wipe out years of verbal humiliations and humiliating attitudes. Especially since there's never been any apologies, and I don't see any radical change in his attitude.

Now about the scatter plot. Resuming from here:
http://www.trade2win.com/boards/trading-journals/85510-my-journal-2-a-195.html#post1364706

If I wanted to show graphically the areas I can trust of the systems I have, it would be this blue triangle:



So, what I am saying is that, the more the trades, the more we're willing to accept a lower sharpe ratio. The fewer the trades, the higher the sharpe ratio needs to be. And there's a limit: below 20 trades, we just don't trust it. But in the drawing I did two more things: I allowed an exception for the NG_ID_2, which I trust despite it not having traded much at all. And I left one side of the triangle open-ended, with a dotted line, so maybe it is not a triangle at all, but just all systems above those two lines, because we are not refusing systems that have a high sharpe ratio and a lot of trades, but we know that they are not likely to happen.

 

[Yamato]

more on hypnosis: underground hypnosis (and more reflections)

http://www.articlesbase.com/new-age...rm-hypnosis-underground-hypnosis-2176208.html

http://www.articleslash.net/Self-Im...Ambiguous-Messages-To-Provoke-A-Response.html

http://www.undergroundhypnosis.com/underground/

I’m talking about instant covert hypnosis. Stuff Like:
Being able to bend a persons mind from hating you, to loving you in seconds.
Hypnotizing a hostess to seat you immediately at a crowded restaurant with a mile long line.
Making someone instantly change their mind about something, by simply uttering a few words…

http://www.conversational-hypnosis-101.com/What-Can-I-Do-With-Conversational-Hypnosis.html

Conversational hypnosis is a process where-in you can gain control of another person by your words and make them do your bidding. Conversational hypnosis is a phrase used by Ericksonian hypnotherapists to describe inducing a relaxed state using words with dual meanings. Some people view this tool as immoral because the subject has a right to be aware that they are participating in the induction of trance.

Wow, this is much more than just being good at talking to people. Very interesting. It also reminds all that research I did on Hitler, and the videos where they said how Hitler spoke completely differently in private life than in public speeches.

A lot of hypnosis is getting people to relax and so I will investigate this further, because I have a lot to gain from this: my biggest problem being that I can't relax. Actually this is how I came to this subject: I was looking for a youtube video to help me go to sleep, and I found this fascinating world.

I am too honest to use hypnosis maybe. Maybe I won't ever use it, but this is very useful in learning how to relax and how to not be manipulated by others. Manipulation is very close to hypnosis. I could even be manipulative without realizing it, which would not make it dishonest. I mean, anyone trying to affect his life and control his own life is in many ways manipulative of others. If I simply tell a friend "you either come to my house or you don't get to see me", then I am forcing him to come visit me. That is not dishonest: I am simply being antisocial or similar.

In fact that is why it is most likely hard to hypnotize me: I am always alert and tense and stressed out and always intent on getting my wishes. Too many things against being hypnotised.

But I want to relax and here's an interesting steven hall says about it:
http://www.mindpowernews.com/HypnosisCheatSheet.htm

The initial induction process is all about getting the client to relax, and, as many people have completely forgotten how to do this, you do need to help them out a little; most people are a lot tenser than they realize.

Another thing that came to my mind is that I had this girlfriend, mostly a long-distance relationship, and I remember how she told me that I hypnotized her. I didn't really think about it until yesterday. I probably did relax her, to the point of making her fall asleep and I remember that I talked to her exactly with the voice of these hypnosis videos (not the instant hypnosis ones). Partly because I was falling asleep, too. Partly because... it wasn't phone sex but it was like a boyfriend/girlfriend talk, so the tone is quite similar in itself. That bitch.

Anyway, let's keep reading this conversation hypnosis. Hypnosis and falling asleep share the common subject of relaxation.

http://www.conversational-hypnosis-101.com/Learn-Conversational-Hypnosis.html

http://www.conversational-hypnosis-101.com/Underground-Hypnosis.html

http://www.conversational-hypnosis-101.com/Underground-Hypnosis-Techniques.html

This is certainly interesting, but also an overwhelming amount of work. I should start small. I should start with Steven Hall and get some results from people. Then I'll have plenty of time to investigate further.

Besides, the main objective for the immediate future is to learn to relax so I can sleep better, longer, and fall asleep faster. Last night it helped and it wasn't a placebo effect. The only problem is that I woke up at 6 AM.

 

[Yamato]

back home, no work tonight

Yeah, I worked a bit on my systems, maybe like an hour or so. Very short but very very useful work.

Since I've been reading about hypnosis, I've also been relaxing more. But also because I'm exhausted from working so much in these six months.

Anyway, let's start posting the hypnosis videos again.

Today I want to find videos about that stuff I've been reading at work: underground, covert, conversation hypnosis.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Igor_Ledochowski

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ericksonian_Hypnosis

Smart young people.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnodog

Fascinating...

 

[Yamato]

more on the scatter plot

You know what?

I have just realized that if I want to select good systems, I must adopt a univocal method for selecting them and keeping them.

I will select them based on them having more than 20 trades and a sharpe ratio higher than 1.5.

I will keep them based on them not having surpassed the past drawdown.

The new scatter looks like this:



The red dotted circled systems have not been included yet. The higher and the further to the right, the better a system is.

 

[Yamato]

dude...

Dude... things are looking great for the near future.

Vito is gone. Hopefully will get killed by a stray bullet on new year's eve.

The other roommate will be gone starting tomorrow.

Vito may in fact not even get hired. Despite all his kissing up and frantic socializing, I heard him ask a colleague just a few days ago if they knew anything about him getting hired. The colleague dodged the question. If after all his frantic socializing, playing soccer with the boss... after all this bull****, he still has no news of having been hired... things are looking great for me, because he may in fact leave as early as Februrary, when his internship ends.

I've never had to deal with such an idiot before. Occasionally yes, but not for six straight months. The problem is that he's been badmouthing me throughout the bank, most likely. Because I simply won't buy his bull****. So if I disapprove of him, because he's been messing with my stuff, I must be evil and everyone must know.

The other day a colleague told me to go for Christmas and rest. Mother ****er... I could even rest and relax at work if I didn't have such a jerk in my room. The problem is that Vito has been kissing up, like a little child, to hundreds of people, and if I am not in touch with them to show them otherwise, they will tend to believe the one who's in touch with them, and this guy has unlimited energy for socializing. Hopefully he still won't get hired.

However, what I think is that he's been turning people against me - people who used to like me. And I wish I could just say "if they changed their mind about me so easily, it means they're worthless". When those people become many, it becomes a problem, regardless of how stupid they are. I tend to be paranoid so probably things are better than I am fearing.

Funny. As far as people I tend to be pessimistic and expect the worse. As far as my trading, I've always been an optimist. But maybe only because I was hoping for the best. And maybe with people, I don't care or don't need to hope for the best, because I never felt the need to make friends. I rarely have felt lonely. Maybe a couple of moments per year, I feel some loneliness. Those feelings don't last very long.

Anyway, I am still worried about Vito turning people against me. But in the long run, without worrying about this stuff, without worrying about appearances, I have always won, socially speaking. So I am hoping to come out on top by simply being myself. I won't worry about playing any strategies like vito is doing. That manipulative little jerk. And despite all his manipulation attempts, he still doesn't know if he will get hired or not. May he get hit by a stray bullet.

Or get into a car accident.

Regarding the systems, I've done a lot of work last night and this morning, which is why I am not so rested.

I've worked out several functions which allow me to run the same exact excel workbook to handle two different accounts. All I have to do is toggle a dropdown menu on a cell, with the userid of the account. That was a major improvement.

As far as the systems, we'll reach 5k probably by next June or later, because we have wasted a lot of time on the wrong systems. Back in June and September I didn't have the skills and knowledge I have now. Now, with just a scatter plot, I can identify in a few seconds which systems I should trade. Back then it was different. I wasted weeks reasoning about it and still picked the wrong systems.

The main problem is that I wasn't appraising the out-of-sample but the in-sample, and many of those systems had unprofitable out-of-samples.

Just so I remember.

Anyway, now I will go home, and head towards the rest of the week. Friday will be half a day. This is going to be like my favorite week of the last 6 months. Work is light and organized, systems are taken care of... vito is far away, in the south, and he's not even hired yet.

I need to keep on working on hypnosis. I have a feeling that this topic fascinates me enough to carry on until I can actually learn something I can do myself in terms of hypnotizing. And if I won't do that, I will at least learn how to relax better. Hypnosis has a lot to do with relaxing people, and I can definitely learn about relaxing myself by studying that subject. In fact I remember reading that the term itself is related to the word "sleep", which is what I lack. I have approached hypnosis because of insomnia and hopefully it will help me solve it.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypnosis

Word Origin & History

hypnosis

1876, "inducement of sleep," coined (as an alternative to hypnotism) from Gk. hypnos "sleep" (see somnolence) + -osis "condition."

There you go. Hypnotizing essentially, simplistically, means "putting people to sleep", and this subject cannot be ignored by someone who, like me, wants to sleep better.

I wish I could get one of those videos with the dog staring at people and putting them to sleep. I need to look for one of those hypnodog videos, but one that captures the dog's stare, so I can watch the video and go to sleep, every night. Or even watch it when I wake up in the middle of the night. I am also wondering if, with practice, I can make myself more susceptible and hypnotizable. So far those youtube videos with people telling things to hypnotize you have no worked. Yes, they certainly don't wake me up, but they definitely do not put me instantly to sleep. Actually today I fell asleep listening to one of them, but then I woke up with a nightmare because of it, which is probably normal when you listen to it for half an hour every time you are trying to go to sleep. But who knows... maybe i am starting to trust that voice and sooner or later it will work. But then in this case it might just be a placebo effect, because I will make it work by simply believing in it. As if someone gave me a keychain and told me it will solve all my sleeping problems.

 

[Yamato]

going to sleep with hypnosis again

Not that I'll be hypnotized but I'll play the audio. It was a video and I turned it into an audio. So far it's the best I found:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUt1dCbxYOg

I would have preferred a woman's voice, but he's the best, regardless of sex.

Yeah, cause a woman's voice would have reminded my mom. Somehow it is easier to fall asleep.

Oh, here she is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9JSYkIDtG4

Not bad. I am very grateful to these people posting these videos. They're helping me so much and for free. They're right up there with those other people posting help on excel's formulas.

Deeper and deeper. I like this girl.

Damn... these hypnotists make the best girlfriends. I wish I had known this before.

That's it. I am adopting a female hypnotist. Forget that guy. This is great. I am keeping this one. Cara hypnotist. Cara Institute... wait, odd. All hot girls trying to hypnotize me... doesn't look very professional. And they don't all seem gifted either. Anyway, the one I picked is good.

You know, maybe JuneYankee is the best one, out of all of them. But also the first video I ever found was good, too:

But yet before that the first hypnotizing stuff was music for me, like for all of us I think. I think it has a lot in common with hypnosis.

Take these two for example and tell me if they're not quite related to hypnosis:

And it's not a coincidence I like them so much and I keep on posting them all the time. I must have posted these two videos above like 10 times apiece.

Holy cow, isn't this lady hot or what... even if the music sucked, she is so hot.

Her breasts are talking to me.

You know what? These Cara Institute girls (see above) are reading a script, definitely. They're all saying the same stuff. And they are probably not hypnotists at all. However, they might even be more effective at putting me to sleep.

JuneYankee is not one of the Cara Institute. She seems like a young girl trying hard, like an amateur, maybe cannot hypnotize but her efforts and her caring makes me fall asleep best. I feel I can't disappoint her. This says a lot about how much... how many people I feel care for me - basically no one. Yeah, cause... no wife, and parents who seem like they're sadistic-masochistic bunch. My mom is only cares to suffer for the good of the earth, like jesus. And my dad only cares to kick ass. Sick couple, with sick son (me). So I end up listening to this youtube video, and I feel like this girl is actually caring for me to go to sleep, and I feel like no one has cared so much for me in a long time, maybe ever. Cold parents, that's how they make you feel. Like you're not really part of any family. Just like being in army barracks with the Great Santini, as far as my dad, and feels like being in a convent, with my mom the nun.

Yeah, sick family. Sick family that makes me prefer no family at all, or at least no family in the neighbourhood. And makes me prefer the comfort of a youtube video. But after all this is the news with technology, the news is that I am not that crazy, and that this is natural, this is all normal, and there's plenty of people having some sort of relationship via internet.

Just listen to this girl and tell me if you don't feel like she cares for you:

If having a girlfriend meant being put to sleep like this every night, I'd get one. The problem is that it usually means having someone bitching at you most of the time.

 

[Yamato]

"conversations" with my dad

My parents are still here and interacting with them has brought back some sad memories and some realizations about the present problems of my dad.

Ever since I can remember the conservations at the dinner table or in the living room with my dad have been like this. He tells you how it is, how things are, what he has done during the day, and you (meaning you, your mother, any relatives) listen with interest, and then say stuff like "oh, yeah?" to show him you're listening. Then you ask more questions and he seems very pleased. And everything keeps going like this for hours.

Then, if you wait for any questions about your life, they don't come. And if you say anything about your thoughts or your life, then he either ridicules you or in my case, since I've been rebelling against his criticism for years and he has stopped it with me, he listens in silence, looking at you. So you basically talk by yourself, as if you were talking to a wall.

Then, as soon as you make a pause, he resumes with his talk, "today this happened..." or "today I have done this..." or "I have been thinking about this...". He does this like 5 seconds after you have stopped saying things about yourself, totally unrelated to what he says.

As a child, only child, I never really realized how sick this situation is. My mom did not help at all, because, being a dependent personality, insecure, she lets him have his way completely. She lets him ridicule her, and once he does that, she says even more stupid stuff... it's awful. Besides her insecurity, her general philosophy is "show the other cheek", so he has no opposition from her, at all. So their conversations are like his: he lectures, she "learns" and acts like his student. She talks, she gets ridiculed. Basically he acts like a sarcastic grandfather with his little grandchildren, except that we are all adults.

The amazing thing is that the relatives are always around him in admiration and don't ever argue with him and let him have his way. My mom, as i said, does the same.

The only person in the world who dares to not put up with this unfair crap is me.

All I have achieved is that I don't get ridiculed - even though if I lowered my guard he would resume that, too.

But still I don't get any reaction at all to what I say, just silence, until he can resume his monologues.

For the last year or so, I've been trying the same exact method he uses, but he just doesn't seem to get it.

He talks about his stuff, and I show no reaction at all. I stare silently at him or at the tv, like he does. Then, as soon as he stops, I start talking about my systems, at which point he stares silently at me, shows no reaction, says nothing, not even "yeah...", "oh", nothing. And he has always been like this, since I deprived him of his criticism. Before this, I would talk and he would criticize what I said or ridicule it.

This is his "conversation" pattern: glorifying himself, ridiculing others. That's my father. It sucks big time. It is humiliating to be around him, because he acts as if he though nothing of you. I think he has the narcissistic personality disorder and he is a control freak.

These are just some of the awful things about my emotionally abusive control freak father.

So the recent trend has been like this, because I have resolved to give him back what he gives to me: nothing. If I tell him something and he shows no interest, I will show no interest in what he says. If he resumes his unrelated monologue as soon as I make a pause, I will resume my monologue as soon as he makes a pause in his monologue.

Any qualities? Yes, sure. He is efficient as a machine. If we see him as a machine he is a good one. He taught me order and reasoning.

He doesn't exist as a human being though. No wait: he is an unpleasant human being, who has negative effects on those surrounding him, or at least he does on his family. Besides the problems with conversations with him of course there's similar problems in the rest of our relationship. He's oppressive, insensitive, and many other bad things.

As I said, if there was no talking, and if no looking... if he was just a machine, and all you had to worry is financial well-being, then we can say he is a reliable father. But no one rates parents like that. It is not normal to have a "work relationship" with your parents, and not just a work relationship but the type of relationship you'd have with the CEO, whom you didn't know at all, and who'd have the power to fire you at will. Or like in the army, where my dad spent his formative years. That's why I felt like I was raised by a general and a nun. The movie The Great Santini represents quite closely how my father is.

 

[Yamato]

A few more minutes and then I'll go home

Today I came at work at 11 AM (and I will go home at 3.30 PM).

I inserted in the systems my request for 2 hours off. That's how I do it. I ask AFTER it has happened and not BEFORE. My boss has been ok with it so far, because I am also working all the time when I am here (except now, but it's rare).

The day was a beautiful luxurious day for me. Well, for once I won't look it up, but I mean "luxurious" in a sense of something I can't usually afford, because today I was alone in my room, as if it were a single. Usually I have the jerk Vito, and the nice lady has gradually been turning into a bitch, because Vito has been brainwashing her and telling her that I am evil. Hopefully though he will not be hired, because talking can only get you so far and he's only good at talking.

Anyway, today it was luxury in all ways: only here for 4 and a half hours, and enjoying a serene atmosphere, without colleagues. I worked intensely and without distractions and now I am done. I've been done for already about an hour and a half. This means that if they don't bother me with outside interferences I can get done with my daily workload in about 3 hours. Since there's very few people as efficient as me, my guesstimate is that our bank, if it only hired people like me, could reduce its employees from the present 15000 to just 3000.

But we are not just in Italy, but in Rome. And this crap doesn't happen. The socializing dicks get promoted and they run things, and things are run with coffee breaks and hiring other socializing people with connections... those who actually work are a small minority (the only 3000 that should have been hired), one that doesn't even get rewarded. We're too busy working to build the social relationships necessary to get promoted. The same honesty that motivates us to work hard is what keeps us from making friends to get promoted, from taking steps to get promoted. We only, we the 20% I am referring to, we only work because we like to get things done efficiently. We like to do a good job. The others only have in mind the salary, and the means to get a raise: kissing up, building conections, complaining, even crying if necessary.

The future is Vito's and it belongs to all those people who don't focus on working but on making friends. They merely tolerate me, and keep me only because they need some unfriendly guy to do the work they don't do.

But there's also advantages in my situation, and that is why I don't change it, despite despising the others who don't act like me:

1) I don't have to kiss up to anyone.
2) I build knowledge and skills, which I can use on my systems (a perfect example: 50% of what I learned about excel I learned it at work).
3) I don't have to drink coffee 5 times a day.
4) I don't have to talk to people I don't like.
5) I don't get told what to do, because they know I am already working my ass off, on my own, without them telling me anything.
6) I can go home whenever I want, I can be on a part-time schedule, I can come late: they need me. They know I work. They will never complain to human resources about anything I do.
7) I am valued by other people. Even the socializing jerks appreciate me (even those whom I despise), even if I don't kiss up to them, because they know there's an 80% of other socializing jerks, competing with them, and they appreciate someone who's not like them.
8) I don't have to be afraid to keep my job. They won't fire me and if they did, they'd do me a favor.
9) I feel good about myself, without frantically socializing to be the most popular person in the bank, like vito does. Pathetic.

Despite all this, I am not happy here, because, like for the past 6 months, from time to time, they place an idiot in my room, and it's really hard to put up with him, for someone like me who is used to efficiency.

It's hard to tolerate having a jerk, who's doing nothing and who's keeping you from working. With months of efforts and educating him, I have finally got him to be quiet all day long, but his presence alone disturbs me. It bothers me to be in the same room with a jerk who flipped my scanner and messed with my property just because I wasn't friendly to him, once I realized what a jerk he was. I would not do this to him. I behave fairly even if I consider him a jerk. I wish him death all right, but I would not touch his stuff, dishonestly, like he did with mine. May he get killed by a stray bullet on New Year's Eve.

Anyway, Vito is almost part of the past hopefully. I will only have to put up with him for another month, because his internship will last until the beginning of February and hopefully, if he doesn't get killed on New Year's Eve, he will still not get hired. Besides, he might always get into a car accident.

The systems are making money today. I might finally get out of that awful drawdown with the investors, and the ZN_ON_2 is getting traded by my account as well, so we might actually show a big profit on that one, especially in terms of Return On Account. You know what I'm saying? I mean on my account we started with a clean slate, including the top of the top from the start and without first including half a dozen unprofitable systems like I did on their account, with the consequence of having 7k of unneeded losses.

On my account, we included the two top systems instead. So it might yield a return of 30% per month actually.

 

[Yamato]

Let go. It's so easy to let go. Relax. Let go.

Actually amidst all the distraction, I forgot to mention that this morning I went back to sleep after waking up at 6.50 AM thanks to this video (but I just listened to the audio):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9JSYkIDtG4

This is quite amazing. There's definitely something good about these videos (or "audios" I should say), because it was very rare for me to be able to go to sleep when I woke up at that hour.

I don't care if those at Cara Institute aren't real hypnotists, but this is still a major relaxation link:
http://www.hypnotherapy.org/mp31.html

I am going to download all their mp3s.

Here's another such link:
http://forms.uhs.wisc.edu/relaxation.php

But even this chick here, she seems like she's reading a script but the music is so right and she's reading it so well, that it helps me sleep:

Think about these words she says. They are the most peaceful and proper words I've heard in a long time: "Let go. It's so easy to let go. Relax. Let go". Instead of telling me merry christmas, I wish people hypnotized me or told me these words: "Let go. It's so easy to let go. Relax. Let go". I should just hypnotize the hell out of vito, by the way.

Drifting and floating... Drifting and floating... let go.

That is so good... I am just playing this four-minute video over and over again. I download the .flv from youtube.

Just let your mind drift.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/drift

Yeah, I need to find out exactly what it means otherwise it doesn't work:

to be carried along by currents of water or air, or by the force of circumstances

It's amazing how much tension, stress and ultimately insomnia a person with a military upbringing and a control freak like my father can put into you, his son. He's there stressing out my mom right now. I locked my door as usual. Just his voice irritates me. He has an aggressive tone. The exact opposite of these hypnotists. He talks just like someone who would grab things and cut the line to grab things he needs for his survival. Like someone who'd be ready to kill for his survival. He talks like a wild man, sounds almost like a lion roaring. He's always yelling.

As a child he definitely terrorized me, and even now when I hear him come home and shut the door and I am still a bit terrorized and upset, since my childhood. Maybe that is why it bothers me so much when the neighbours slam their door: it reminds me of when my dad came home and slammed it. I always felt my heart jump and even now I still feel something.

Let go. It's so easy to let go. Relax. Let go.

Hearing this girl is so pleasant that I can't even interrupt the player, which I set to "loop". I need to turn "loop" off and wait for the end of it. I want to record it and turn it into an mp3.

All I've been hearing all my life from my dad was "don't relax, never relax, always be alert, never be happy, always strive to do better..." and finally I found someone who's reasoning correctly: there are times to work and there are times to relax and let go. If you don't sleep well, because you never let go, your performance will actually get worse. If you never rejoice, like my dad prescribes, the same will happen. My parents only had me, but they were on their way to build a factory of self-destructing people, like they are. Mom striving to be a martyr and dad striving to be hitler or something like that. Relaxing and being happy to them is a sin. You have to spend your life working hard, fighting or you have to give your life for your neighbour. I grew up thinking my job should be not doctor, lawyer and such but to become Jesus, the Pope or the president of Italy.

I hear my dad yelling to my mom right now, for whatever reason, maybe they're just talking normally and it sounds like he's yelling. Luckily though I am locked in my room, hearing this girl telling me to relax and let go, and she can keep me sane, she's my life jacket. Everything about my father tone and behaviour and words constantly says "stress out!" and "be alert!". But I now have this life jacket.

And to think that they came to visit me to do me a favour: these guys can't do any better. It's so amazing. All I'd want from them is money. I mean I'd like some affection, but they can't do any better. So all I could hope for is 50k to get started with my trading. But hell no. The only thing they could actually do for me, they don't do it. They just stay here, hoping to keep me company. But my mom, whom I can talk to, when she's around my dad turns into a slave and his sidekick. So she's non-existent. My dad feels like he's got someone on his side and gets even more confident and unable to change. As said previously, he is unable to show any empathy or interest for anything I would like to talk to him about. Conversation with him is impossible. So what are they here for? Just to torture me? They are not making any efforts whatsoever. Are they here for appearance so relatives know that i don't spend my holidays alone in my room? Which by the way is much better than together with my parents.

...staring at the sky. Absolutely nothing to worry about. Absolutely no care in the world.

That's right: your mind is floating, like that little boat...

Yeah, this is better than getting drunk.

Let go. It's so easy to let go.