Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
- Start date
- Watchers 253
1 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, whom do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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2 A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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3 First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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4 Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the "y" becomes silent.
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5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
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6 A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you
don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your
wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope
you will keep yours."
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7 "What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."
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front door, whom do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
3 First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
4 Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the "y" becomes silent.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
6 A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you
don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your
wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope
you will keep yours."
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7 "What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."
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JTrader
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Directions
Please read all!
1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.
2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.
3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.
4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles
6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles
7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles
8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
17.Arrive at the centre of town.
please scroll down
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Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . . .
Please read all!
1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.
2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.
3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.
4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles
6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles
7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles
8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
17.Arrive at the centre of town.
please scroll down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . . .
phatbustered
Newbie
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Lion Donkey and a Fox went Rabbiting
After a good day the Lion asked the Donkey to share the all the Rabbits equally into 3 piles
After a hour or so the Donkey had 3 equal looking piles on the ground, "there you go" said the Donkey
to the Lion "3 equal piles"
The Lion looked at the 3 piles, he then suddenly pounced on the Donkey killed him and threw him on the pile of Rabbits!
Now said the Lion to the Fox " dived these 3 piles into 2 equal piles 1 for you and 1 for me.
The Fox took 1 small rabbit for his pile and left the rest for the Lion.
"Well done!" said the Lion "Who taught you to share so fairly?"
"The Donkey!" replied the Fox.
=====================================
He who learns from his mistakes is a wise man
he who learns from other peoples mistakes is a very wise man!
==================================================
After a good day the Lion asked the Donkey to share the all the Rabbits equally into 3 piles
After a hour or so the Donkey had 3 equal looking piles on the ground, "there you go" said the Donkey
to the Lion "3 equal piles"
The Lion looked at the 3 piles, he then suddenly pounced on the Donkey killed him and threw him on the pile of Rabbits!
Now said the Lion to the Fox " dived these 3 piles into 2 equal piles 1 for you and 1 for me.
The Fox took 1 small rabbit for his pile and left the rest for the Lion.
"Well done!" said the Lion "Who taught you to share so fairly?"
"The Donkey!" replied the Fox.
=====================================
He who learns from his mistakes is a wise man
he who learns from other peoples mistakes is a very wise man!
==================================================
trendie
Legendary member
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WWWOOOAAAHHH
A flight-sim using mouse to control. found it on blueyonder site.
not meant to be brilliant, but good fun.
http://gprime.net/game.php/fa18hornet
A flight-sim using mouse to control. found it on blueyonder site.
not meant to be brilliant, but good fun.
http://gprime.net/game.php/fa18hornet
Robbie Williams, Will Young and Kylie went out together for a night on the town after a big charity gig where they had all performed. When they left a night club at 3.00am Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings. Robbie decided to take advantage of this, lifted her skirt, moved her thong to one side and gave her a right seeing too.
He then turned to Will and told him that it was his turn. Will started to cry so Robbie asked him what the matter was. "My head is too large to fit between those railings" he sobbed
He then turned to Will and told him that it was his turn. Will started to cry so Robbie asked him what the matter was. "My head is too large to fit between those railings" he sobbed
This guy's videos are brilliant.....http://www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com/
JTrader
Guest
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Joke Of The Day
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. He is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. He is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
Golf Story.
This is not a joke as such but a true story I heard at work yesterday.
One of my Colleagues is Scottish and not known for his generosity.
A couple of weeks ago he was on holiday in Spain with 3 mates playing golf. They got to the
4th tee and there was an attractive female selling tickets for a competition for that hole only
for 'nearest the pin'
She requested 7 Euro's each to enter but being a tight git he tried to barter and knock her
down to 5 Euro's she was a wise lady and declined the offer.
So he stepped up to the tee selected an 8 iron and scorched it to the green, two bounces...
His first hole in one!!
The prize he could've won was 3000 Euro's and a week in Vegas with a partner. Doh..
Gutted from Scotland..........
This is not a joke as such but a true story I heard at work yesterday.
One of my Colleagues is Scottish and not known for his generosity.
A couple of weeks ago he was on holiday in Spain with 3 mates playing golf. They got to the
4th tee and there was an attractive female selling tickets for a competition for that hole only
for 'nearest the pin'
She requested 7 Euro's each to enter but being a tight git he tried to barter and knock her
down to 5 Euro's she was a wise lady and declined the offer.
So he stepped up to the tee selected an 8 iron and scorched it to the green, two bounces...
His first hole in one!!
The prize he could've won was 3000 Euro's and a week in Vegas with a partner. Doh..
Gutted from Scotland..........
JTrader
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When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of
her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under
the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too
much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to se.x, I guess it
does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have
all that money in the box?"
Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash.
In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of
her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under
the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too
much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to se.x, I guess it
does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have
all that money in the box?"
Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash.
Wal-Mart Diagnosis
One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe said to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.. a lot cheaper than a
doctor."
So Joe put a urine sample in a
small jar and took it to Wal-Mart. He
deposited ten dollars, and the computer lit up and asked for the urine
sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited.
Ten seconds later, the computer printed out the following message: You
have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It
will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home,
he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure,
and hurried to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results. The computer lit up, and ten seconds later printed
the
following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe said to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.. a lot cheaper than a
doctor."
So Joe put a urine sample in a
small jar and took it to Wal-Mart. He
deposited ten dollars, and the computer lit up and asked for the urine
sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited.
Ten seconds later, the computer printed out the following message: You
have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It
will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home,
he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure,
and hurried to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results. The computer lit up, and ten seconds later printed
the
following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
SOCRATES
Veteren member
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I have just heard on the radio that in Auckland, 40 guys, dressed up as Father Chritmas, ran rampage in a shopping centre, wrecking things and terrifying shoppers allegedly as a protest against the commercialisation of Xmas.
When interviewed, an Auckland police spokseman made the statement " This was a bunch of guys who just had too much to drink ".
When interviewed, an Auckland police spokseman made the statement " This was a bunch of guys who just had too much to drink ".
purplekiwi
Member
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This is how the BBC reported the above incident:
A police spokesman described it as "fairly average behaviour" from "an organised group of idiots".
A police spokesman described it as "fairly average behaviour" from "an organised group of idiots".
Festive humour
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring....
On Christmas Day
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring....
On Christmas Day
peto
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Dundonian are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own, at a table, in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God,it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking Him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Dundonian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Dundonian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
It helps not one bit to know that Buckfast (Buckie) is disgusting stuff that looks and tastes like tar, made by monks in Devon, and drunk in Dundee, apparently
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God,it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking Him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Dundonian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Dundonian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
It helps not one bit to know that Buckfast (Buckie) is disgusting stuff that looks and tastes like tar, made by monks in Devon, and drunk in Dundee, apparently
