Best Thread Joke of the day

I am selling my little house in france and the details are as follows :

Size immaterial .

No of rooms immaterial.

Habitable - absolutely in fact please don't leave at all outside of certain hours.

Heating - Very efficent system based on petroleum supplied by locals free of charge.

Friendliness of locals - You simply cannot get away from them . In fact the youngsters are a delight in their desire to express themselves.


Asking price - £ how much do I have to give you to get rid of this bomb shelter
 
chump said:
...
Heating - Very efficent system based on petroleum supplied by locals free of charge.
...

That brings back memories of my Welsh holiday cottage.
 
I see in the news today our govt wishes to introduce a National Curriculum for our toddlers. This is amazingly altruistic if one thinks about it . Our govt wishes to create toddlers that are actually smarter than themselves...so unselfish can we agree. Also very pointless as most 5 year olds that I know already have more common sense than any politician I can think of.
Perhaps we could replace our politicians with our toddlers and send our politicians back through the nursery school system to get the education they clearly never got on the first occasion that they were there.
 
chump said:
I see in the news today our govt wishes to introduce a National Curriculum for our toddlers. This is amazingly altruistic if one thinks about it . Our govt wishes to create toddlers that are actually smarter than themselves...so unselfish can we agree. Also very pointless as most 5 year olds that I know already have more common sense than any politician I can think of.
Perhaps we could replace our politicians with our toddlers and send our politicians back through the nursery school system to get the education they clearly never got on the first occasion that they were there.

educashun, educassion, edukazhun.
 
"people have to understand, you know",
lies from smiles, just drop an s and an m and re- arrange - and there you go - policy content and presention in a single word - therein it all lies
 
Up to 10000 nurses to be allowed to prescribe ALL drugs.It's black humour at its best.
 
Apologies, but....
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he
would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks
at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

- I go deep and silent for a few months, come back, and the joke thread is full of Soc and Kris arguing (no change there then)... if this doesn't buck up I'll start posting blonde jokes...

Dave
 
Oh,
just did the 'find the man challenge'... timed on my sweep 'how long did that feel likeometer' 4 seconds.
It's obviously pathetically incapable of saying anything about your brain development, anyone who'd describe my brain as 'normal' is either incompetent or daft as a brush.
(Whatever that means).
Dave
 
Talking of blonde jokes----------

A blonde and brunette are walking down the street and as they pass a florist the brunette lets out a groan.

Blonde: "What's the matter?"

Brunette: "It's my boyfriend. He's buying me more flowers".

Blonde: "Well, what's wrong with that?"

Brunette: "Whenever he buys me flowers he expects special favours and I don't fancy spending the next couple of days on my back with my legs in the air".

Blonde: "Why don't you buy a vase?"
 
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he
was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe
and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years".
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you one hell of a headache."
 
A chink in the copper market.......

Copper futures continued their trek to all-time highs, before easing slightly. The front-month contract was up as much as 1.5 cents at $1.950 a pound, but was last down 0.6 cents at $1.929.

CS First Boston attributed the gains to continued speculation regarding China's potential large short position and its ability to export metal in order to cover.

The speculation surfaced after the Times of London reported on Tuesday that a Chinese copper dealer, who worked at the Chinese State Reserve Bureau, disappeared after selling an estimated $800 million worth of copper short.....

(!!?)

Well it made me laugh anyway........!

Traders humour I guess.......... :LOL:
 
Battle of Trafalgar – 2005
“Order the signal Hardy”
“Aye, aye sir”
“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer, what’s the meaning of this ?”
“Sorry sir”
“England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbleydygook is this ?”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now, We had the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
“Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“Sorry sir. All naval vessels have designated smoke-free working enviroments,”
“In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before the battle.”
“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the government’s policy on binge drinking.”
“Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”
“I think you will find a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
“Damn it man ! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
“That won’t be possible sir”
“What ?”
“Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness and they have said that the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”
“Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
“He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foc’sle, Admiral.”
“Wheelchair access ? I have never heard of anything so absurd.”
“Health and Safety again, sir.” We have to provide a barrier free enviroment for the differently abled.”
“Differently abled ? I,ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
“Actually sir you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb-deficiency.”
“Whatever next ? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“A couple of problems there too sir. Health and Safety won’t let the men up the rigging without safety helmets and they don’t want anyone breathing too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts ?”
“I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
“What ? This is mutiny.”
“It’s not that sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.”
“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish”
“Actually we are not, sir.”
“We’re not ?”
“No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the common fisheries policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit for a claim of compensation.”
“But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.”
“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of the King.”
“Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules.”
“Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to the rum, sodomy and the lash ?”
“As explained sir, rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about sodomy ?”
“I believe it’s to be encouraged ,sir.”
“In that case, kiss me Hardy.”
(anon)
 
TRADING ROOMS

Seriously, I have a purpose built dealing room, which is a separate building in the grounds of my home specaily constructed and all the walls are lined with green baize from the worktop up, as this is a very restful colour to the eye. The walls are lined with thick cork tiles underneath the baize so that it doubles as a pinboard. Inlaid pine ceiling.The lighting is reflected light operated by dimmers. Two skylights with specially constructed anti moth guards to stop insects coming in and the same for the two windows. Controllable louvres additionally to control light. Separate blinds. Double glazed.
The unit has its own generator for continuity of electricity in the event of cutoff. Fully insutated walls and cieling and floor.Its own ring main.Breaker circuits. Thermostatic heating and cooling.Three telephone lines. Fax line.Internet .Telephones fitted with scramblers and secrecy buttons. Touch - light bankers's lamps. Eight computers, 22 screens. Electric typwriter.TV. Atomic clocks. Printers decoders and all manner of gadgets. Multiple datafeed capability via satellite.Leather chairs.What can I tell you, the works !

(This is a post made by another member a few months ago. I am sure he will not mind me pasting it here).
 
I can confirm this is all true. I was the local handyman who constructed this edifice. Although at the time it was a shed and had only gardening implements in it. But it did have potential.
 
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