Pat494
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It's when they decide it's ageism not to issue guns to the under 10s I worry about.
Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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It's when they decide it's ageism not to issue guns to the under 10s I worry about.
Atilla
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Atilla
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barjon
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By Pam Ayres of course.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
barjon
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What part of your body goes to heaven first?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy ?' Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said 'Sister, I think it's your feet.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now Johnny , why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
The Nun fainted.
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy ?' Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said 'Sister, I think it's your feet.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now Johnny , why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
The Nun fainted.
Atilla
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Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians
Atilla
Legendary member
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I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, :innocent:
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. :-0
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY. :cheesy:
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. :-0
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY. :cheesy:
Atilla
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Oooh elo - what's this then???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ITXtjUCljwU#t=38
Bit naff imo. Lacks originality.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ITXtjUCljwU#t=38
Bit naff imo. Lacks originality.
Purple Brain
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Things to say to your girl to let her know you care enough to notice
You’ve porked up a bit.
Some guys like girls with facial hair.
There’s a new face cream out for bad skin, do you want me to get you a tub?
What a difference a day makes! You look great.
I liked the other one better.
It doesn’t matter if you can’t cook like your mother; as long as you don’t end up looking like her.
Have you done something different with your hair? It looks nice.
My ex used to say exactly the same thing.
Your natural smell is a real strong aphrodisiac.
It doesn’t matter which one, they all look the same. Honest.
So she was in the same year as you? Wow!
Have you ever cooked this before?
No, really, I like the new natural look. It’s simple and unfussy.
Do you want a mint?
Why don’t you try one the next size up?
Why don’t you bring your friend too, she’s really nice.
You smell just like my ex.
When you wrinkle your nose it really accentuates your worry lines.
You’ve porked up a bit.
Some guys like girls with facial hair.
There’s a new face cream out for bad skin, do you want me to get you a tub?
What a difference a day makes! You look great.
I liked the other one better.
It doesn’t matter if you can’t cook like your mother; as long as you don’t end up looking like her.
Have you done something different with your hair? It looks nice.
My ex used to say exactly the same thing.
Your natural smell is a real strong aphrodisiac.
It doesn’t matter which one, they all look the same. Honest.
So she was in the same year as you? Wow!
Have you ever cooked this before?
No, really, I like the new natural look. It’s simple and unfussy.
Do you want a mint?
Why don’t you try one the next size up?
Why don’t you bring your friend too, she’s really nice.
You smell just like my ex.
When you wrinkle your nose it really accentuates your worry lines.
P
postman
A refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it.
So, against the rules of the Refuse Collector's Code but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese chappie.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector
"I bin on toiret" explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man
Smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's your dust bin?".
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'" says the Japanese man - still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector...
"You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?"
"Ok. Ok " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin.
" I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister.........!"
So, against the rules of the Refuse Collector's Code but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese chappie.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector
"I bin on toiret" explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man
Smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's your dust bin?".
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'" says the Japanese man - still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector...
"You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?"
"Ok. Ok " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin.
" I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister.........!"
Ten f**kin years! Hilarious!
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