Best Thread Joke of the day

[kriesau]

A new Pakistani immigrant arrives in Bradford with his family. He is thrilled to be here.
Early next morning, after he has settled in to his house, he goes out for a walk to explore his new surroundings. He meets a man walking along the street.
"Good day Mr Englishman" he says "I most readily want to thank you for letting me and my family live in your very nice country and......."
The man interrupts "I'm not an Englishman, I'm an Arab from Jordan"

The Pakistani continues on his way and encounters another pedestrian
"Good day Mr Englishman, thank you for letting my family live in your country and...."
He is again interrupted "I no Englishman, me is Turkish"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another man walking towards him
"Oh Mr Englishman, thank you........."
He is interrupted once more by the man who says "Hey brother, I aint no Englishman, I'se from Jamacia"

He walks a little further and sees another man
"Mr Englishman, thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country"
The man looks at him and says "I'm not English, I'm Polish"
"But" says the very confused and distressed Pakistani "where are all the Englishmen ?"
The Polish guy stretches his wrist, checks his watch, and says
"Well they must all be at work by now"

 

[trendie]

A new Pakistani immigrant arrives in Bradford with his family. He is thrilled to be here.
Early next morning, after he has settled in to his house, he goes out for a walk to explore his new surroundings. He meets a man walking along the street.
"Good day Mr Englishman" he says "I most readily want to thank you for letting me and my family live in your very nice country and......."
The man interrupts "I'm not an Englishman, I'm an Arab from Jordan"

The Pakistani continues on his way and encounters another pedestrian
"Good day Mr Englishman, thank you for letting my family live in your country and...."
He is again interrupted "I no Englishman, me is Turkish"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another man walking towards him
"Oh Mr Englishman, thank you........."
He is interrupted once more by the man who says "Hey brother, I aint no Englishman, I'se from Jamacia"

He walks a little further and sees another man
"Mr Englishman, thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country"
The man looks at him and says "I'm not English, I'm Polish"
"But" says the very confused and distressed Pakistani "where are all the Englishmen ?"
The Polish guy stretches his wrist, checks his watch, and says
"Well they must all be at work by now"

Perplexed, the Pakistani man walks on.
He sits down in a shop, tired.
"Are Englishmen busy making cars, like excellent Rolls Royce?" he asks a nearby man.
"Nah, mate. We dont have a car industry anymore. We just assemble jap cars. Rolls is owned by the yanks anyway".
"Then, maybe, Englishmen make wonderful ships, like QE2 ?".
"Hah, mate, we sold our shipyards off to the Norwegains and Malaysians".
"Oh, dear me", says the Pakistani man.
"I am very pleased to be in Britain. I would like British food. None of the "foreign muck". Give me pigs trotters, offal sandwiches, and black pudding, made wth pigs blood, breadcrumbs and lard.".
"The problem with foreigners coming into this country, is that the british culture is becoming ruined with outsiders and their foreign ways", the Englishman says, adjusting his BASEBALL cap. "Now, do you want fries with all that ?".

Have a nice day. Missing you already. :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy:

 

[Anonymous]

Invasion of a privacy is a very serious matter. As officials debate the penalties there are on those who abuse authority and intruding into privacy, there seems to be a different interpretation of what is invasion of privacy.

A trader minding his own business talks freely in private. Not knowing that his phone was bugged, or the he was somehow or other under surveillance, his conversation was being eavesdropped on by the nosey, he talked even more boldly.

After one profitable day he was chatting heartily with his companions, as he explained how the day was profitable he said heartily: "I just made a killing today!" And those words were recorded.

After another profitable day he again chatted heartily with his companions, as he explained how the day was profitable he said unreservedly: "It's a steal!" And those words were recorded.

Before long the police came and arrested him and charged him for theft and murder.

"We have a lot of evidence against you!" they exclaimed, "Many going to testify," many obviously eavesdropped on what he said.

 

[kriesau]

Hamster Ball

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/powerleague-hamster.php?gobackto=random

 

[rols]

Worst ever record sleeves...

Has anybody got these?

 

[jonnyy40]

The boy stood on the burning deck,his legs were braced akimbo.
The Captain asked 'Boy,we're both dead,why must you practice Limbo.'?
'I know we're dead,' the boy replied 'but I thought while I was waiting.
I'd practice my art one last time so I might Limbo Heavens' gating.'

 

[kriesau]

A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth, still somewhat sedated after a 4 hour operation. A young and attractive nurse appears in his room to sponge his face, hands and feet.

"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask "are my testicles black ?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know, I'm just here to wash your face, hands and feet"

He struggles again to ask her "Nurse please, are my testicles black ?"

She hesitates, unsure what to do for a moment but finally pulls back the cover, raises his gown, lifts his dick in one hand and his testicles in the other and takes a close look

"There's nothing wrong with them, they're absolutely normal" she said

The man sighs, removes his oxygen mask very slowly and says "Mmmm......that was really nice but please listen closely one more time"

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"Are....my....test...results...back ?"

 

[kriesau]

Worlds 10 Shortest Books

A Code of Ethics for Lawyers
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The International Guide to Good American Beer
The Queens Guide to Successful Family Marriages
Pope Benedicts Guide to Contraception
Sir Geoffrey Howes Wild Years
Great Women Drivers
Famous French War Heroes
The Wit and Wisdom of John Prescott
How Shane McGowan Beat Alcoholism

 

[rossored]

A jolly funny movie for anyone interested.

Guaranteed not to offend anyone whatsoever in any way shape or form

 

[rossored]

And another one... (women may not enjoy this quite as much as men)

http://www.milbestlight.com/swf/game/game1.swf

 

[SOCRATES]

I have just been outside in the road talking to a really charming neighbour.

This lady pops round from time to time to have morning coffee with my wife.

She knows what I do, but she agrees not to come anywhere near to my trading room.

Her father was called Mr Fortune, and her mother was called Mrs Fortune.

She is a single lady and is called Miss Fortune.

 

[boy]

I have just been outside in the road talking to a really charming neighbour.

This lady pops round from time to time to have morning coffee with my wife.

She knows what I do, but she agrees not to come anywhere near to my trading room.

Her father was called Mr Fortune, and her mother was called Mrs Fortune.

She is a single lady and is called Miss Fortune.

And they are worth a fortune!....boom..boom.

 

[fudgestain]

And they are worth a fortune!....boom..boom.

And she was given a biscuit with her coffee which Miss Fortune Ate.

 

[boy]

Get a date

It worked for me!!

 

[boy]

And she was given a biscuit with her coffee which Miss Fortune Ate.

Fudge, I dont think we'll make our fortune as stand up comedians...

 

[boy]

oops list

http://www.micom.net/oops/

 

[fudgestain]

Fudge, I dont think we'll make our fortune as stand up comedians...

Boy, you're right .. although most of the stuff on the serious threads would seemingly rank as unintentional comedy, what d'you reckon?

 

[SOCRATES]

The gourmet equivalent would be Lobster Soup.

Last week a fisherman on the South Coast became very excited to land a Blue Lobster. They are only blue when they are very young. They turn pink as they grow older. They are known to live for up to 30 years.

This fisherman has given the lobster to an aquarium.

The irony is that there is a part of the South Coast in which there is the occasional discharge of chemical waste. The seaweed I am told changes colour from time to time.

A headline poster appeared at the newsagents last week. It read:~

"GORING TRADER'S RARE LOBSTER FIND"

I have a copy of the flyer pinned to the ceiling in my office as there are a handful of visitors who find the statement hilarious.

Barjon, it is nowhere near the Thames, so you must not get disconcerted.

 

[kriesau]

Last week a fisherman on the South Coast became very excited to land a Blue Lobster. They are only blue when they are very young. They turn pink as they grow older. They are known to live for up to 30 years.
.

Lobsters never turn pink as they grow older. Their normal lifelong colour is blue-black which provides them with camouflage from predators on the seabed. They only turn orange in colour when cooked due to a natural carotin protein in their shells that is activated by boiling water.

Occasionally albino white lobsters have been found but this is a very rare phenomenon in Atlantic waters.

 

[boy]

Boy, you're right .. although most of the stuff on the serious threads would seemingly rank as unintentional comedy, what d'you reckon?