my journal 2

This is a discussion on my journal 2 within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; Originally Posted by travis That's right. This journal was useful in making me realize my compulsive gambling problem. I haven't ...

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Old Jul 8, 2010, 11:41am   #991
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re: my journal 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by travis View Post
That's right. This journal was useful in making me realize my compulsive gambling problem. I haven't been trading for almost two weeks nor have I wired any money to my account. I don't think I can trade discretionary, because the gambling urges are too strong to resist for me. Also, if I can't refrain from trading discretionary, I can't even trade automated - but I will keep on trying to be successful with automated trading. And therefore I will also continue writing this journal because I am still a trader.

However, it's strange to hear you say "some people", when in fact everyone says that 90% of people cannot trade profitably, so it would be more normal to say "most people should not be trading at all".
The reason i said "some" is because certain psychological traits (OCD, addiction, stubbornness, large ego, martyrdom) which some people have ingrained to the core of their being, are the worst possible characteristics to possess in a game without any rules, the possibility of unlimited losses and where no one will tell you to stop. Most people will have some of these traits to a degree, and the ones who've managed to correct themselves will thrive, however the extreme cases, where there's an unwillingness and inability to change, in my opinion should not trade whatsoever, and i believe you are in that category. I apologise for my bluntness.

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Old Jul 8, 2010, 1:08pm   #992
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread Hey, no problem, the whole diary leads to this point you just made - I even wrote this in my profile almost a year ago. Even look at the videos I posted in my profile, about compulsive gambling.

I've been losing money for 13 straight years. I don't like quitting, but I like losing money even less, so at the moment I'll have to stop discretionary trading because I can't handle it. I am not giving up on automated trading though.
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Old Jul 8, 2010, 9:25pm   #993
 
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cocktail of sleeping pills

Yamato started this thread I have started to take my sleeping pills cocktail again: melatonin, Eschscholzia, and later I'll take two drops of xanax. It's been working all week.



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Old Jul 8, 2010, 9:50pm   #994
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Re: cocktail of sleeping pills

I still think you can win, but one issue i have which you probably have mentally well absorbed now is making good profits and losing alot. Every time i make 100, i become less and less satisfied with making 100 and want 200, and it continues.. Greed takes place and you want more and more. You can accept losing 1500 pretty well. Alot of people would quit if this happened to them, but you're used to it now. This is a good thing but not at the same time. Being able to take losses well is good, but it also means you are willing to gamble. I still sit on the my view that you should either quit or get some real capital together risk relatively little per trade. You may need like 50k to be satisfied as a starting capital or maybe more. I know you probably think it wont make a difference but my whole family spend like 50% of their income on gambling. Having 3k and risking 1% doesnt work for you and it doesnt work or me.
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Old Jul 8, 2010, 10:01pm   #995
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread I am glad you see some light for me. I didn't enjoy much the previous post about my weak personality, which is not the case (I think it was you who said that, but sorry if I am confusing you with someone else).

I have developed, thanks to this "pitiful" journal as you (or someone else) called it, a few extra strengths, which I didn't expect at the start. What I really mean in my poor English is that some people here helped me with ideas and with offers.

In fact, the summary right now is that I can't trade discretionary, I can't trade automated - because I resume discretionary, but I think I can trade automated as long as I do it with other people - right now it's working. If I am trading with other people, I will follow strictly the systems (especially if I am trading their money). And this I owe to t2w, so thanks to this forum and its staff. Also I have to thank for the support readers like you, who keep me balanced with their feedback, and occasionally helped me with formulas and even with systems. I developed a few systems thanks to inputs from a reader. I automated an excel drawdown formula thanks to another reader... a lot of good has come from not worrying about looking good.
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Old Jul 8, 2010, 10:12pm   #996
Joined Mar 2010
re: my journal 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by travis View Post
I am glad you see some light for me. I didn't enjoy much the previous post about my weak personality, which is not the case (I think it was you who said that, but sorry if I am confusing you with someone else).

I have developed, thanks to this "pitiful" journal as you (or someone else) called it, a few extra strengths, which I didn't expect at the start. What I really mean in my poor English is that some people here helped me with ideas and with offers.

I think I can trade with other people - right now it's working. If I am trading with other people, I will follow strictly the systems (especially if I am trading their money). And this I owe to t2w, so thanks to this forum and its staff. Also I have to thank for the support readers like you, who occasionally helped me with formulas and even with systems. I developed a few systems thanks to inputs from a reader. Fixed an excel drawdown formula thanks to another reader... a lot of good has come from not worrying about looking good.
If you dislike me for saying you have a weak personality and you are pitiful then at least you have some fight left, and i'll see it as a good thing.
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Old Jul 8, 2010, 10:47pm   #997
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread So it was you. Then let me tell you some more, so you can understand the situation better. For you and anyone else who cares.

I am in Rome, at the bank I get paid half of what I would need for rent. How am I going to live on my own.

Secondly, I lived on my own for about 15 years already, mostly overseas. Then I had health problems, tumor, had surgery in my head, and soon after that - after taking a few years off from work - I came to work for a bank in Rome. He was here already, so why should I waste this opportunity.

Now, all my life my dad has demolished my self-confidence. It doesn't matter that he didn't beat me up - it's important how you perceive things. Maybe in another family a dad was beating up two brothers and they came out better than me. They took it better than I took it, being only child. It's not really how objectively you get treated but how you feel you got treated.

I feel I got treated very badly, emotionally. All I got was criticism. Never a good word. Just negativity. He took out all his anxiety and negativity on his family.

So I resent him because I had to study what he manipulated me to make me study, he never helped me achieve my potential, discouraged me from anything I wanted to really do, then later told me I should have rebelled - what an asshole. He never rejoiced for anything good happening in my life. If I told him I was happy about something he usually replied with something to stop me from being happy, because he felt one should not be happy or he'll get some negative surprise: one should always be alert and never celebrate anything. He's total ****ing sick asshole. In my family no birthdays were ever celebrated, just to give you an idea. My mom was always too weak to even side with me. She shows the other cheek - that's her sick philosophy. If one guy gets beaten up, she's sympathise with the guy who beat him up, because he must have had an unhappy childhood. Even if the guy is beating her up. So she always put up with my dad. I am pretty disgusted with her behaviour as well.

On top of this, he had all the power he wanted to actually help me - financially or with his connections - achieve anything, but he didn't. Anything he did, he did to make me go in his direction. You like movies? I don't care: I'll send you on an internship at the European parliament. You like swimming. I don't care: I'll send you to some summer school to learn sailing, or French, or something else.

So certainly I do resent him, and certainly I am not giving up on getting free rent to live under a bridge in order to live my own life.

At once I do exploit him, not feel guilty, and even blame him for all my failures, which he's been pointing out ever since i was a child. He always said I would failed, pointed out my failures and shortcomings constantly, made me totally insecure, and achieved his objective of making me fail. At least now, after the goddamn health problems I had, he could have helped with a decent trading capital. Nope - yes, he gave me some money, a few thousands. But not a big capital, because he is against trading - he says it's immoral. On the other hand he invested his money on his own, on stocks, and lost 30 thousands in like a few months - then never invested again.

That's not all. Any conversation is about him. He doesn't give a **** whatever I think or have to say, and I am lucky if he just talks about some catastrophic event in the world, real or imaginary (like the end of the EURO). Because until recently the conversation was about how great he is and how much me and my mom suck. She's constantly called stupid by him and treated like an idiot, and he's always talked to me with sarcasm until recently. There's enough material to murder the mother ****er. But let's just say that when he wishes me "goodnight", I sleep worse, and would like to reply "**** you" but I can't because I am living in his house.

He's a ****ing asshole, with a military upbringing, a control freak. If he sees a glass which is not at the center of the table, he will tell you or move it in its right place and show how things should be done. He used to fight with my mom for the whole meal about a napkin. He often used to kick us both under the table for something supposedly improper we said, both me and my mom - the rare times we had guests, since the guests were rare due to the house being a mess in his opinion. That moron. You talk to this guy about anything that is on your mind, and he will stare in emptiness, show no reaction, no empathy, making you feel like you are talking to a wall. Then he will resume his lecture about some upcoming world or national catastrophe, that he will help avoid.

I do want to live by myself, but I want to do it right, and not go under a bridge. I need an internet connection and a peaceful place to study my automated systems. Besides, it's not a solution, because as I said, I've been away many years before, and once you've developed a character - whatever it is that I have - it doesn't matter what caused it: you tend to keep it. But yes, you're right, it's easier to change it if you change place, and go to australia for example. However, take Hitler: he must have had a troubled childhood, and then he achieved success. It's not like he became a nice person because all of a sudden he achieved success, right? He just stayed a madman throughout his life. I don't know how to convey what I am thinking, unless you already understood it, more or less. I don't know what kind of an audience I am talking to, not just you, but the others as well. As I said, I already got rid of all the "cool - dude - loser - weird" morons, so I am pretty hopeful I am being understood. Anyway, I've talked enough so I can stop here.

One more thing. You mother ****er. You want to pretend you care about me in front of the relatives at least and in front of me? Then ask me what I want, give me some money, support me for once, and try to make up for all the **** I had to take from you all my life. Give me your money and your blessing for an automated trading career, and give me your blessing to go live in isolation at the house by the beach. But hell no - I have to do things your way again and stay at the bank, because that's the safe thing to do for you. My whole life remote-controlled by you.
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Old Jul 9, 2010, 10:03am   #998
 
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Re: cocktail of sleeping pills

[QUOTE=travis;1178182]I have started to take my sleeping pills cocktail again: melatonin, Eschscholzia, and later I'll take two drops of xanax. It's been working all week.

Be careful with sleeping pills and such.

You may feel great initially, but they are far more addictive than most people know. A few weeks on them may be enough to disrupt natural sleep patterns for a good while and cause addiction. They can also make you (probably temporarily) mentally more confused, as you have fewer dreams, which resolve day-to-day problems (instead you're knocked out).

I'm not saying that there is never a time & a place (after all, they are commonly prescribed for depression and so on), but there is a big difference between a short-term course of treatment vs. on-going usage and its consequences...
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Old Jul 9, 2010, 12:03pm   #999
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread Yeah, I kind of understand what you mean. However, melatonin is a joke, Eschscholzia is also a joke: they work, but no prescription needed. The only thing that I have to be really careful with is xanax. I better only a couple of drops and only during the work days. In the weekends I will not take anything. It's better to be a little ****ed up than not sleeping. Also, if I am knocked out by pills I behave like an average person, so maybe it's not that bad. My drunk mode is like other people's normal mode. These idiots.
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Old Jul 9, 2010, 9:05pm   #1000
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re: my journal 2

I dont think you should expect money off him if he's loaded. I just see your side of the story and he does sound like an ass. Go for results first if you want to convince him to invest in you. It's your own fault your discretionary trading is useless, not his. The only thing he may have done is ruin your ability to know the value of money, but i still wouldn't blame him for that either. Your goals are probably related to your dads wealth, which is always a bad idea and unrealistic. So you werent his ideal son, that's his problem not yours. The world isn't perfect and about a billion people are in the same boat. The best you can do is find something you're both interested in. He doesn't have to listen to your ideas and invest in you because you are his son, even if you think it's a no brainer and could potentially make him a decent living and yourself and he seems like an idiot for not being interested. Same boat. But shouldn't that make you want to be even more successful? I think after 13 years i would lose that drive though, but i think losses have made me better at trading. It doesn't seem to have worked for you. I still have an itchy trigger finger after a losing trade and have opened a few straight away, but i have managed to close them straight after. That ability is a good feeling. Now i dont trade for at least 12 hours after a losing trade. Just shout F**K a few times in your head, laugh uncontrollably and go out and do something. One of the best things you can do is talk to people about losses. Keeping it to yourself is the worst thing you can do. Tell people your every trade, it makes things better.

I was about to write a long prose about my family and how i could relate to you somewhat, and i wrote alot, but i deleted and decided not to divulge in sharing things with people i don't know. That's the same discipline i have developed with trading. In the past i would have posted it straight away without thinking because i wrote so much. If you want to learn discipline, play poker online and only play when you have KK, AA, QQ, JJ and AK. Fold if someone bets when you have KK, QQ, JJ and a higher card comes out. You will win money. It's so stupid that, thats all it really takes to make money on poker, and it's so hard to do that.

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Old Jul 9, 2010, 9:26pm   #1001
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread Well, thank you for the feedback. You didn't divulge about your family but you shared with us that trick about poker. I know what you mean by self-discipline. Among the other problems, I can't resist impulses, especially lately. I have gotten so impatient that I can't even wait windows to reboot without getting irritated. Well, let's keep in touch on this journal - maybe you'll want to share more in the future. I do have problems, but don't forget my objective is automated trading right now (also that's what I wanted some of my dad's money for), so I am not worried about my failure as a discretionary trader. In fact in the past few months, I've tried to quit it altogether (ever since I started this journal), rather than trying to learn it. I've started this journal to learn what was wrong with me - and it worked. I didn't know I was a compulsive gambler until recently.
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Old Jul 9, 2010, 11:06pm   #1002
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re: my journal 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by travis View Post
Well, thank you for the feedback. You didn't divulge about your family but you shared with us that trick about poker. I know what you mean by self-discipline. Among the other problems, I can't resist impulses, especially lately. I have gotten so impatient that I can't even wait windows to reboot without getting irritated. Well, let's keep in touch on this journal - maybe you'll want to share more in the future. I do have problems, but don't forget my objective is automated trading right now (also that's what I wanted some of my dad's money for), so I am not worried about my failure as a discretionary trader. In fact in the past few months, I've tried to quit it altogether (ever since I started this journal), rather than trying to learn it. I've started this journal to learn what was wrong with me - and it worked. I didn't know I was a compulsive gambler until recently.
Yea my goal is automated trading. I dont see the point in discretionary trading when im trading off pretty much a fixed idea, which could be automated, and the fact that for every trade i see i will be missing 5 similar trades. That can be a good thing though. One thing i do that helps me lose track of my winnings because i think sometimes you may be up like 2.3k for the month for example and you think that you only want to risk 300 max is stupid but does play on you alot. Know what you are up or down for the month can mess with your trading, so what i do is everytime i make a winning trade of say 500, i will take out 350 or any amount up to 500, and if i lose 500 i will add an amount up to 500 into my account. I try to lose track of whether i'm up or down for the day, week or month. No goals for the month of 10%, just trades that either win or lose. Your head will know if you're up for the month, but not how much. I generally find that i'm up and i dont feel the need to make the money back if i lose first day of the month. If my account is at 40k at the start of the month and i look at it in 2 weeks time and its 41.5k i wont know if i'm up 1.5k or not. I'll check in 3 months time to see how i'm doing, adding up the withdrawals, deposits, profits and losses. I play 10 tables at a time, if i lose my 20$ on one table i go to another table. I'll find that on one table i'll have 100$ on one table and lose on 3 tables. I feel like i'm not doing well but im up 40$. It's like cutting your losses short and running your profits. It works in poker too. You have your bad days though, when luck doesnt go your way. Look for tables with high average pot sizes, normally people calling with crap. You will lose sometimes but percentages win eventually.
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Old Jul 10, 2010, 12:09am   #1003
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread Yeah, I am a big fan of diversification as well. I know it should play in my favor, but the problem is that with a small capital you can't diversify, and you're encouraged to take bigger risks to get a bigger capital, and that way it never grows. That's what happened to me until here. Among the many causes of my gambling there was also an urge to increase my capital.
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Old Jul 10, 2010, 5:36am   #1004
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re: my journal 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by travis View Post
Yeah, I am a big fan of diversification as well. I know it should play in my favor, but the problem is that with a small capital you can't diversify, and you're encouraged to take bigger risks to get a bigger capital, and that way it never grows. That's what happened to me until here. Among the many causes of my gambling there was also an urge to increase my capital.
That's where you fail. Get some good capital together first. 20k minimum. If you cant then don't trade. I wouldnt recommend anyone else trading 20k to begin with probably like 2k max, but i think you're at the stage where you need this amount to progress.
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Old Jul 10, 2010, 9:09am   #1005
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread I've had a capital of 20k and even 30k before, and it often came from starting with a few thousands, but I still felt pressure to make more money and make it faster, and this lead to discretionary trading, and blowing out accounts.

You see, as I wrote before, my parents and everyone, even I, agree on the fact that to quit my job I'd need to have a capital of at least 500k, and then I would have to set it aside (not even invest it). And the more I dislike my job and the city I am living in, the more I have been rushing to that 500k, sometimes rushing things worked (I doubled my account for several months in a row), but inevitably, taking these huge risks, lead to blowing out my account once every few months. And this is just the good last 2 years I am talking about, thanks to automated trading, because, before automated trading, I was only trading discretionary (while developing the systems) and blowing out my account practically every month, continuously, ever since 1997, yet never seeing any doubling of capital: it was just going down from the start to the end. I just lost everything over and over again. Usually went from a few thousands to 0, over and over again.

Also, and I am again referring to the last two years, I could not take the systems' drawdown. When I came home and found a 1000 dollars loss by the systems, or even just 500 dollars, I'd engage in revenge trading to make it back. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't, and when it didn't, I got even more upset. I take losses personally. I take everything personally (it offended me when you wrote I have a "weak personality"), even a neighbour slamming the door, which he/she did right now. I get offended easily, and I am intolerant. I am a control freak. Ideally, I'd like to have the world under control and to be able to kill people I don't like and who bother me, or at least make them disappear. The first people on my list are the neighbours.
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