my journal 2

travis · Jun 23, 2010, 3:09pm

There was a period in my life, as a student, when I was quite depressed, or rather: idle. I could sleep during the day without any problems. Now I am frustrated but having to go to work keeps me alive and frustrated. I don't know how to describe it exactly: I can't let myself go because I have to go to work, but I would much rather be depressed and be able to sleep all day long once I am home at least, rather than being stressed out and frustrated as I am now. I guess having to work doesn't allow people to get depressed. I guess getting depressed is a luxury of people who don't have to work for a living.

The mother ****ing child who has moved in the aparment next to mine wakes me up every morning at 3 AM. Then her mom comes and sings to him or says something stupid, like child talk. I thought - when my cousin told me a similar situation - that it was funny and that no one could get mad at a mom talking or even yelling at her child, but as I experience it, I feel like killing both the mom and the child.

I can't sleep, I don't enjoy my work, I don't appreciate my colleagues, nor my parents... I guess I've never had such a negative outlook on life as now. It seems permanent. All day long I feel like complaining. But the biggest question I keep asking myself is: why do I have to keep on working? How on earth did I get stuck doing this crappy job with these crappy colleagues? I don't like it at all. Why do I have to keep on going there? An intelligent person like me, with all the connections, the culture, the hard work... why... how can it be?

I guess the cause is the same for both good things and bad things in my life. The same negativity that runs in my family (my dad, and me) is what at once caused perfectionism and many qualities and achievements. Or rather: it's perfectionism which caused everything: perfect achievements and negativity for every situation which is not perfect. And this is what screwed me. I can't sleep because of the anxiety this attitude produces, I can't appreciate people because no one is perfect enough... I cannot accept any situation which is not perfect and where I am not perfect. I cannot play any sports at which I am not the best... I cannot go for any woman who will not accept me immediately. I cannot live basically.

It's like obsessive-compulsive people. Typically they're very clean, as they're cleaning their house all the time. But they never enjoy the product of their own work. There's really no point in being one of them. And there's no point in being like me. I didn't plan my life to be like this. I didn't choose my parents. It just happened. It didn't begin like this. It began a little better. There were some good things. But overall it sucked. And mostly thanks to my dad, who ruined it.

I caught two diseases, one from him and one from my mom. Perfectionism from my dad: you can't be happy unless everything around you is perfect. And altruism from my very religious mom: you can't be happy unless everyone around you is happy (so it's your responsibility to help them be happy). So basically I have to work all the time to fulfill both requirements, and I can never be happy anyway. These diseases are deeply ingrained and you cannot really get rid of them. Unless you isolate yourself and stay away from the masses. That way you are only around perfect people and happy people. In those situations I am happy and relaxed, but they are extremely rare. I have had an easier time being happy when I was a different person, living overseas, and momentarily immune from my parents' illnesses.

travis · Jun 24, 2010, 4:08am

http://www.dmoz.org/Reference/Dictionaries/Etymology

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Lists_of_battles

This in particular is fascinating:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Roman_battles

You can see historical trends.

Also, a good one is here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Byzantine_Empire

What happened to the Eastern Roman Empire? See above link.

Quote:

Although the empire had a multi-ethnic character during most of its history[7] and preserved Romano-Hellenistic traditions,[8] it was usually known to most of its western and northern contemporaries as the Empire of the Greeks[n 3] due to the increasing predominance of the Greek element.[9] The use of the term Empire of the Greeks (Latin: Imperium Graecorum) in the West to refer to the Eastern Roman Empire also implied a rejection of the empire's claim to be the Roman Empire.[10] The claims of the Eastern Roman Empire to Roman inheritance had been actively contested in the West at the time of the Roman Empress Irene of Athens, due to the coronation of Charlemagne as Holy Roman Emperor year 800, by Pope Leo III, who, needing help against enemies in Rome, saw the throne of the Roman Empire as vacant (lacking a male occupant). Whenever the Popes or the rulers of the West made use of the name Roman to refer to the eastern Roman Emperors, they preferred the term Imperator Romaniæ instead of Imperator Romanorum, a title that Westerners maintained applied only to Charlemagne and his successors.[11]

By contrast, in the Persian, Islamic, and Slavic worlds, the Empire's Roman identity was generally accepted. In the Islamic world it was known primarily as روم (Rûm "Rome").[12][13]

In modern historical atlases, the Empire is usually called the Eastern Roman Empire in maps depicting the empire during the period AD 395 to AD 610, after the new emperor Heraclius changed the official language from Latin to Greek (already the language known by the great majority of the population); in maps depicting the Empire after AD 610, the term Byzantine Empire usually appears.

You see, nations and peoples seem to be defeated but they keep on living and making history. If you look at the 1000 years of Roman battles, you see that the Romans defeated the Gauls, but centuries before that, you read:

Quote:

390 BC - Battle of Allia River - Gauls defeat the Romans, then sack Rome.

And centuries after that, they get their asses kicked by the descendants of the Gauls again. Same with the Greeks. They get conquered by the Romans, then a few hundred years later, the Romans get defeated by the "barbarians", and the Eastern Roman Empire lives on, but guess what - after just a century they switch back to Greek. You get conquered, a bunch of words enter your language, and viceversa, wait a few centuries, and you fight back and the opposite happens. At least this happened until recently. But look at the French in England, and how all their words entered the English dictionary:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foreign...ces_in_English

If you don't get exterminated, there's always a chance to come back. This chart below, with the foreign language influences in English, basically corresponds to the list of the peoples who conquered England.

travis · Jun 24, 2010, 11:16am

Awesome. Today everything is looking good for me. The Italian *******s (I don't like most people around me) are losing:
http://www.fifa.com/live/competition...480/index.html

The systems are making money.

I slept well.

I was treated very nicely at work, with great respect, by several people. A nice girl even said "hi" to me.

Today I can't complain.

And yes, we're losing!!

travis · Jun 25, 2010, 3:46pm

Still doing good. As they say, I am on a roll.

Adamus · Jun 25, 2010, 4:09pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by travis

Still doing good. As they say, I am on a roll.

Are you sure you're feeling alright? This is very uncharacteristic behaviour from you.

travis · Jun 25, 2010, 6:27pm

Yeah, I know... these sometimes are things that people say before committing suicide.

I am ok. I know I would sound healthier if I complained as usual, but the profits are doing this to me. They get to my head. In fact I resumed discretionary trading, little by little, as usual. Made 1500 in one week. Maybe I finally understood what it's about.

As long as I don't double up on a losing trade and close it by the end of the day (if I keep it open forever, it will blow out my account, potentially, even just 1 contract), I can do discretionary trading like everyone else, and make money. I know that's not normal, but it seems everyone makes money on this forum at least.

You see, my systems lost money because they were a second late and took an opposite signal (went short intead of long for being one second late). So I got vengeful, and made it back. But then I didn't stop and kept going in the following days, and made about 1200 dollars. I said 1500 earlier because that was what I counted earlier today, but tonight I lost 200 dollars in my last trade. But that was good, because I closed it instead of keeping a losing trade forever open, like I usually do (I didn't have the margin to double up, but I was tempted).

I am starting to feel better, as a trader, and therefore as a person, since, as a friend pointed out, my mood swings according to my equity line.

However, now, if I were the same old travis, it would just be a matter of time before I got cocky, lost on one trade, got mad, doubled up, blew out my account. But as long as I don't double up and don't keep losing trades open indefinitely, I am quite confident I can make money. I mean, my winning trades are just too many. I think I have an edge of about 80% of wins, without exaggerating. Of course, I don't use a stoploss, my stoploss is the end of the day. You see, my strategy is always top and bottom picking basically. So, once a future has gone too much in one direction, I pick the opposite direction, and I am usually right. And if it doesn't go my way in 10 minutes, it does it in 4 hours. If it hasn't done it by the end of the day, then it's time to get out because the next day it could fall just as much. In the last week I made about 8 trades, and only lost on one, today.

tommason · Jun 25, 2010, 8:38pm

I think you are luckier than me this week.
I got screwed up because of my dropped internet connection during trading.
so my mood was swinging with my equity balance for 2 days. hehe.
but I was quick enought to change that mood cause I've been busted many2 times that I am get used to it now. I can cope w/ that.

no do not be moody next time, just be normal even if you win or lose. keep your coolness. think w/ ur head not ur heart! ur a grown up man!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by travis

Yeah, I know... these sometimes are things that people say before committing suicide.

I am ok. I know I would sound healthier if I complained as usual, but the profits are doing this to me. They get to my head. In fact I resumed discretionary trading, little by little, as usual. Made 1500 in one week. Maybe I finally understood what it's about.

As long as I don't double up on a losing trade and close it by the end of the day (if I keep it open forever, it will blow out my account, potentially, even just 1 contract), I can do discretionary trading like everyone else, and make money. I know that's not normal, but it seems everyone makes money on this forum at least.

You see, my systems lost money because they were a second late and took an opposite signal (went short intead of long for being one second late). So I got vengeful, and made it back. But then I didn't stop and kept going in the following days, and made about 1200 dollars. I said 1500 earlier because that was what I counted earlier today, but tonight I lost 200 dollars in my last trade. But that was good, because I closed it instead of keeping a losing trade forever open, like I usually do (I didn't have the margin to double up, but I was tempted).

I am starting to feel better, as a trader, and therefore as a person, since, as a friend pointed out, my mood swings according to my equity line.

However, now, if I were the same old travis, it would just be a matter of time before I got cocky, lost on one trade, got mad, doubled up, blew out my account. But as long as I don't double up and don't keep losing trades open indefinitely, I am quite confident I can make money. I mean, my winning trades are just too many. I think I have an edge of about 80% of wins, without exaggerating. Of course, I don't use a stoploss, my stoploss is the end of the day. You see, my strategy is always top and bottom picking basically. So, once a future has gone too much in one direction, I pick the opposite direction, and I am usually right. And if it doesn't go my way in 10 minutes, it does it in 4 hours. If it hasn't done it by the end of the day, then it's time to get out because the next day it could fall just as much. In the last week I made about 8 trades, and only lost on one, today.

dog4 · Jun 26, 2010, 12:19am

Quote:

Originally Posted by travis

Yeah, I know... these sometimes are things that people say before committing suicide.

I am ok. I know I would sound healthier if I complained as usual, but the profits are doing this to me. They get to my head. In fact I resumed discretionary trading, little by little, as usual. Made 1500 in one week. Maybe I finally understood what it's about.

As long as I don't double up on a losing trade and close it by the end of the day (if I keep it open forever, it will blow out my account, potentially, even just 1 contract), I can do discretionary trading like everyone else, and make money. I know that's not normal, but it seems everyone makes money on this forum at least.

You see, my systems lost money because they were a second late and took an opposite signal (went short intead of long for being one second late). So I got vengeful, and made it back. But then I didn't stop and kept going in the following days, and made about 1200 dollars. I said 1500 earlier because that was what I counted earlier today, but tonight I lost 200 dollars in my last trade. But that was good, because I closed it instead of keeping a losing trade forever open, like I usually do (I didn't have the margin to double up, but I was tempted).

I am starting to feel better, as a trader, and therefore as a person, since, as a friend pointed out, my mood swings according to my equity line.

However, now, if I were the same old travis, it would just be a matter of time before I got cocky, lost on one trade, got mad, doubled up, blew out my account. But as long as I don't double up and don't keep losing trades open indefinitely, I am quite confident I can make money. I mean, my winning trades are just too many. I think I have an edge of about 80% of wins, without exaggerating. Of course, I don't use a stoploss, my stoploss is the end of the day. You see, my strategy is always top and bottom picking basically. So, once a future has gone too much in one direction, I pick the opposite direction, and I am usually right. And if it doesn't go my way in 10 minutes, it does it in 4 hours. If it hasn't done it by the end of the day, then it's time to get out because the next day it could fall just as much. In the last week I made about 8 trades, and only lost on one, today.

Not sure if you like Jay-Z, but he knows how to string together lyrics.

The below from "My First Song" - it works just as well for drug dealing, fame or trading:

"Well, I'm just trying to stay above water, you know?
Stay busy, stay working
I was telling you like, the key to this joint, the key to staying on top of things
Is to treat everything like it's your first project
Know what I'm saying?
Like it's your first day, like I wasn't even an intern or nothing
That's how you try to treat things, like
Just stay Humble
...
...
Treat my first like my last, and my last like my first
And my thirst is the same as when I came"

Jun 23, 2010, 3:09pm	#929
travis Legendary Member Member Since Mar 2003 7,983 Posts	daily complaining There was a period in my life, as a student, when I was quite depressed, or rather: idle. I could sleep during the day without any problems. Now I am frustrated but having to go to work keeps me alive and frustrated. I don't know how to describe it exactly: I can't let myself go because I have to go to work, but I would much rather be depressed and be able to sleep all day long once I am home at least, rather than being stressed out and frustrated as I am now. I guess having to work doesn't allow people to get depressed. I guess getting depressed is a luxury of people who don't have to work for a living. The mother ***ing child who has moved in the aparment next to mine wakes me up every morning at 3 AM. Then her mom comes and sings to him or says something stupid, like child talk. I thought - when my cousin told me a similar situation - that it was funny and that no one could get mad at a mom talking or even yelling at her child, but as I experience it, I feel like killing both the mom and the child. I can't sleep, I don't enjoy my work, I don't appreciate my colleagues, nor my parents... I guess I've never had such a negative outlook on life as now. It seems permanent. All day long I feel like complaining. But the biggest question I keep asking myself is: why do I have to keep on working? How on earth did I get stuck doing this crappy job with these crappy colleagues? I don't like it at all. Why do I have to keep on going there? An intelligent person like me, with all the connections, the culture, the hard work... why... how can it be? I guess the cause is the same for both good things and bad things in my life. The same negativity that runs in my family (my dad, and me) is what at once caused perfectionism and many qualities and achievements. Or rather: it's perfectionism which caused everything: perfect achievements and negativity for every situation which is not perfect. And this is what screwed me. I can't sleep because of the anxiety this attitude produces, I can't appreciate people because no one is perfect enough... I cannot accept any situation which is not perfect and where I am not perfect. I cannot play any sports at which I am not the best... I cannot go for any woman who will not accept me immediately. I cannot live basically. It's like obsessive-compulsive people. Typically they're very clean, as they're cleaning their house all the time. But they never enjoy the product of their own work. There's really no point in being one of them. And there's no point in being like me. I didn't plan my life to be like this. I didn't choose my parents. It just happened. It didn't begin like this. It began a little better. There were some good things. But overall it sucked. And mostly thanks to my dad, who ruined it. I caught two diseases, one from him and one from my mom. Perfectionism from my dad: you can't be happy unless everything around you is perfect. And altruism from my very religious mom: you can't be happy unless everyone around you is happy (so it's your responsibility to help them be happy). So basically I have to work all the time to fulfill both requirements, and I can never be happy anyway. These diseases are deeply ingrained and you cannot really get rid of them. Unless you isolate yourself and stay away from the masses. That way you are only around perfect people and happy people. In those situations I am happy and relaxed, but they are extremely rare. I have had an easier time being happy when I was a different person, living overseas, and momentarily immune from my parents' illnesses. __________________ Read: E.P. Chan, Cogneau - Hubner, Martin Sewell, Gail Tverberg. Search: expected shortfall, historical VaR, Monte Carlo VaR, extreme value theory. Last edited by travis; Jun 23, 2010 at 3:29pm.*

Jun 24, 2010, 11:16am	#931
travis Legendary Member Member Since Mar 2003 7,983 Posts	I am rooting for slovakia Awesome. Today everything is looking good for me. The Italian ******s (I don't like most people around me) are losing: http://www.fifa.com/live/competition...480/index.html The systems are making money. I slept well. I was treated very nicely at work, with great respect, by several people. A nice girl even said "hi" to me. Today I can't complain. And yes, we're losing!! __________________ Read: E.P. Chan, Cogneau - Hubner, Martin Sewell, Gail Tverberg. Search: expected shortfall, historical VaR, Monte Carlo VaR, extreme value theory. Last edited by travis; Jun 24, 2010 at 11:22am.*

Jun 25, 2010, 3:46pm	#932
travis Legendary Member Member Since Mar 2003 7,983 Posts	re: my journal 2 Still doing good. As they say, I am on a roll. __________________ Read: E.P. Chan, Cogneau - Hubner, Martin Sewell, Gail Tverberg. Search: expected shortfall, historical VaR, Monte Carlo VaR, extreme value theory.

Jun 25, 2010, 6:27pm	#934
travis Legendary Member Member Since Mar 2003 7,983 Posts	re: my journal 2 Yeah, I know... these sometimes are things that people say before committing suicide. I am ok. I know I would sound healthier if I complained as usual, but the profits are doing this to me. They get to my head. In fact I resumed discretionary trading, little by little, as usual. Made 1500 in one week. Maybe I finally understood what it's about. As long as I don't double up on a losing trade and close it by the end of the day (if I keep it open forever, it will blow out my account, potentially, even just 1 contract), I can do discretionary trading like everyone else, and make money. I know that's not normal, but it seems everyone makes money on this forum at least. You see, my systems lost money because they were a second late and took an opposite signal (went short intead of long for being one second late). So I got vengeful, and made it back. But then I didn't stop and kept going in the following days, and made about 1200 dollars. I said 1500 earlier because that was what I counted earlier today, but tonight I lost 200 dollars in my last trade. But that was good, because I closed it instead of keeping a losing trade forever open, like I usually do (I didn't have the margin to double up, but I was tempted). I am starting to feel better, as a trader, and therefore as a person, since, as a friend pointed out, my mood swings according to my equity line. However, now, if I were the same old travis, it would just be a matter of time before I got cocky, lost on one trade, got mad, doubled up, blew out my account. But as long as I don't double up and don't keep losing trades open indefinitely, I am quite confident I can make money. I mean, my winning trades are just too many. I think I have an edge of about 80% of wins, without exaggerating. Of course, I don't use a stoploss, my stoploss is the end of the day. You see, my strategy is always top and bottom picking basically. So, once a future has gone too much in one direction, I pick the opposite direction, and I am usually right. And if it doesn't go my way in 10 minutes, it does it in 4 hours. If it hasn't done it by the end of the day, then it's time to get out because the next day it could fall just as much. In the last week I made about 8 trades, and only lost on one, today. __________________ Read: E.P. Chan, Cogneau - Hubner, Martin Sewell, Gail Tverberg. Search: expected shortfall, historical VaR, Monte Carlo VaR, extreme value theory. Last edited by travis; Jun 25, 2010 at 6:35pm.

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