my journal

This is a discussion on my journal within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; Wish when someone criticized me that i could take on board what they are saying and improve myself You see, ...

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Old Sep 29, 2009, 10:18pm   #141
 
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Wish when someone criticized me that i could take on board what they are saying and improve myself
You see, as a consequence of hearing too much criticism, we became over-sensitive to allergic to it. But then, being aware of this, we developed a counter-reaction that makes us accept even too much criticism/abuse from others (at least as far as I am concerned), and then we put up with too much from others, because we're unable to judge things objectively and unable to tell whether we're being intolerant as usual, or whether someone is abusing our rights. For example, this guy playing the radio at my office: I would kill him if I could get away with it. But then I tell him nothing at all, even if it's my right to work without having to listen to his radio. Why do I put up with it? Because I know how intolerant I am. I know how I never could stand any colleague that shared a room with me, and so I am afraid of being intolerant and mistreating someone who doesn't deserve it. Yet, on a daily basis, I wish this guy died and didn't come back to work to turn his radio on. Another person in the room, who is quite good at facing people and telling them what she's willing to put up with and what she isn't, on the other hand, doesn't mind the radio, doesn't mind the air conditioning and gets along with the colleague just fine. You see, in the past few years, nobody told him anything about the radio. Then I come, a few months ago i moved into this room, and I don't feel like I can tell him to change his life-long habits.

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despite me thinking i'm quite good
We probably also share this: we feel we are very good at doing things, but we also feel that others are not acknowledging this. We feel socially insecure. As far as me, this comes certainly from how my dad treated me.

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The irony at the moment is that i'm on YOUR JOURNAL
I am surprised how successful this journal is being. The thing you have to do when starting a journal (you could do it, too) is you have to be prepared to keep on writing it all by yourself, with no readers and no one showing any appreciation. I am ready for that. All my life I have trained for that, for being a black sheep, with my dad telling me I was worthless, teachers failing me... I am ready to do exactly what I want without any peer pressure, because I pretty have collected nothing but failures. Even when I trade, I go against the trend. By now if anyone tells me something cannot be done, I'll spend quite a while trying to see if I can be the one to prove him wrong.

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maybe it re-enforces the behaviours
Interesting point of view. It could be right and it could be wrong. I feel the medicine for low self-esteem and insecurity is getting a lot of praise from everyone. The cure for poverty is money. The cure for hunger is food. It's not to pretend you're not hungry, or that you don't feel like talking about yourself and your problems, and not that you don't want money. That would seem the natural solution to me, but your solution also sounds good, even though it's the opposite.

Overall I think I am a few steps ahead in some aspects compared to my father and to myself. He would never say out loud or to himself that he's sick and unbalanced in any way. At least not to me. Or maybe only to me. I am fully aware that I have a lot of limits. That I am very frustrated. That I am not happy. On the other hand, my being so obsessive and therefore able to focus on anything I set my mind on, is also a quality, to be exploited. I can't just let it go as if it were a total deficiency. I want to keep this ability to focus.

Maybe with time I'll get better, keep the qualities, and lose the deficiencies. Or maybe I won't. It feels good to write here, so I think one should do it.

Also, I think that if you are prepared to write a solitary journal, without receiving any praise, and putting on your ignore list anyone writing superficial remarks, then you could enjoy writing a journal as well, speaking and opening up about your trading and about yourself. I think this journal didn't hurt my trading - no reinforcing of bad behaviours in other words. And if it is like in trading, where you can't break even but you either win or lose money, then I would say that this journal was a profitable experience, since I am sure it didn't hurt me. Even now I didn't achieve any relaxation though. Imagine that I count the views and the posts to see if I can beat some record and in be in the top 10 of most read journals or journals with most posts. I even almost rated it with 5 stars to boost the ratings, but then I decided against it, but I am constantly tempted to do it. It's just like when I write how good I am and how good my systems are... if I don't get any praises I end up praising myself.

But none of this is pathetic. It's just how we are - do we have to be ashamed of how we are because of how our life caused us to be? Most others don't feel like opening up. That would seem even worse. We are all a product of our environment.
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Old Sep 29, 2009, 10:39pm   #142
 
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Originally Posted by travis View Post
We are all a product of our environment.
Yeah, this is something i strongly believe in... I always get in arguements about that; i feel that crimes are justifiable; because i believe that if i were born as that person, with their genetics and had grown up with the exact same experiences and environment - Then i would have done the crimes too, so i cannot be judgement on them...

But others can't understand how i could think such a thing were true, because it means that i accept their is no responsability in life; almost as if everything is fated based on your environment and genetics.



Overall; I just wish i had no anxieties and didn't have to be so aware of my inner-thoughts all the time; i suppose i felt like that when i went to Thailand, because i felt that the people weren't judging me.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 6:55am   #143
 
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travis started this thread Yes, I agree. All crimes are justifiable. Jail is just to stop these people from killing us, not really because they "deserve" it.

Freedom in a foreign country, just like in a new place. Yes, as soon as you are in a place where no one knows you, like a new school, or new neighbourhood, you're free to start all over again and be a different person. Just like if you meet your grandmother and you've become a judge or the prime minister, she'll probably still treat you like a child.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 11:36am   #144
 
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travis started this thread Some new thoughts.
Knowledge and money. How knowledge is money.

Taxi driver yesterday. He doesn't know the street, and drives me home at the cost of 14 euros instead of the usual 7. He lost, and I lost because of it. No complaining to him. During the whole trip I realized how I was stuck in traffic, just because of lack of knowledge.

Looking for a laptop on the internet. I went on ebay and there were plenty of them, new, being sold at 300 to 400. Then I went on another similar web site, and they were selling it for 500 to 800 (no bidding). Someone who doesn't know about ebay, will buy a used laptop at the price they charge you at the store for a new one.

I am sure there's similar examples in trading, even though much less so, because everything is more liquid and transparent (even brokers' commissions and costs). But I remember when I had an account in Italy I used to pay commissions of 16 euros to buy an ES contract, whereas today I pay less than 3 dollars for the same contract.

It's unbelievable how much just a little information can save you. From cab drivers, to computers, to brokers. In every field. Think of medecine. If you pick the wrong hospital, or wrong doctor, regardless of costs, you might end up dead instead of healed.

All this pondering, with a subconscious fixation and need: the need for the imminent death of my colleague. If I could have the right knowledge to get rid of this colleague in front of me playing the radio, I could avoid so much annoyance...

Is it more efficient to pray for his death, or to pay him to turn his radio off? It would be easy to tell our boss that it's my right to work in silence. I would certainly get my way. But somehow it's not "easy" at all for me, and I can't do it. This guy is twice my age, close to retirement, and I was taught to pay some respect to such people, despite the fact that he's abusing my rights. Somehow for me it's easier to pray for this guy's imminent death. Die, you mother ****ing son of a bitch. Please die. You don't deserve to live. You don't care at all about who surrounds you. You worthless piece of ****. Die, die, die.

Now, as usual, this ******* left and went I don't know where. To screw some woman, to take a walk around the building and talk to someone, and yet he left the radio on. So here I am listening to the radio of this mother ****er and I can't even turn it off because I am too respectful and polite to lean over and use his mouse to disable volume on his computer. Because it's not respectful to do so. And I am too respectful to even tell him to "please at least turn it off when he plans on not being here for longer than 30 minutes". I just avoid all conflicts. I was given too many rules to follow, and I don't even explode. I just put up with people's abuses because that's part of being polite. The only thing I am allowed to do is to pray for their death, and definitely turn down any opportunity to spend any more time with them than strictly necessary.

I can't ****ing believe it. I can't believe it. I having to listen to this ****ty music, and he's not even in the room, and I can't even make myself lean over and turn his radio off or disable his volume. And yet I wish he were dead. Three more months here and then I quit, or I'll end up killing this guy. And that would be impolite.

**** it. I just got up and disabled his volume. When he'll come back, if he says anything, I'll tell him: "what the **** am I supposed to do? You weren't there and it bothered me". Another 92 days and 11 hours to go. Then I'll quit, even if I just have 100 thousand saved.

Last edited by travis; Sep 30, 2009 at 11:59am.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 6:26pm   #145
 
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travis started this thread I came home, the neighbour slammed his door. I heard it from here. It shook me and gave me a heart-ache. I am bothered by all these people who do things without thinking about whether they may bother others or not. I hate his guts, too. I wish him death. As soon as possible. I am wishing death upon all those surrounding me. No wonder I want to live by the sea, especially when there are no tourists around. Or: I could become a dictator, but that's too complicated. I would have made a great dictator.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 6:58pm   #146
 
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Originally Posted by travis View Post
I came home, the neighbour slammed his door. I heard it from here. It shook me and gave me a heart-ache. I am bothered by all these people who do things without thinking about whether they may bother others or not. I hate his guts, too. I wish him death. As soon as possible. I am wishing death upon all those surrounding me. No wonder I want to live by the sea, especially when there are no tourists around. Or: I could become a dictator, but that's too complicated. I would have made a great dictator.
I avoid confrontation too; its because i have so much anger towards people and things that i never express, i know if they even slightly annoyed me to my face i'd just go crazy and they wouldn't understand, would think that i was crazy. I know if someone annoyed me that all the other angers i have with everything would just be directed @ that person...
Last time i got in a fight; a guy as a joke called me a **** - As he does everyone, but secretely it annoys me that he calls people *****, just because they aren't very confrontational and don't have anything to say back - Making the girls have a giggle, so i decided to beat him up for it; everyone thought i was being a prick though. But he does loads of other things i don't like and then calling me a ****, even as a joke, when i was drunk was enough... Because although he 'jokes', there always seems something more in it, as if hes trying to annoy you but he knows you can't do anything or you'll look silly. Which i definately did but it was worth it because i felt like the ****ing man afterwards.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 7:30pm   #147
 
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travis started this thread I can see your point, because we're very similar, but I am against violence, in the sense that I wouldn't lift a finger against anyone. I am a peaceful guy. I'd have him killed by the secret police. Which reminds me of another movie I really liked:

Quote:
Sollozzo: I don't like violence, Tom. I'm a businessman; blood is a big expense.
The Godfather (1972) - Memorable quotes

How would you like it if you and I, along with some other intolerant NPD people and other control freaks from all over the world, got together and bought an island, where everything was perfect and under control? No dogs barking, no people slamming doors, no cars, no people with loud radios, no laughing. Everybody respecting the rules, and respecting one another. I think we could set up a peaceful place, something close to a hospital, except we're not sick (only mentally maybe). I'd be ok with it. You'd make a great neighbour.

The music playing in the background could be "Medication Valse" by Jack Nitzsche, or Gnossienne number 5 by Eric Satie.

Anyway, what's the point of hanging out with people who irritate you? Stay away from them. Stay in touch with people who are polite and respectful like I do... which means I am pretty much alone most of the time... but you get my point - those I meet are definitely my type of people. Don't even fight those you don't like, but try to keep a peaceful relationship with them and avoid them as much as possible. And if they ask you why, then you tell them "because you don't respect me enough, you're too loud, this and that...". That's just my opinion.

Last edited by travis; Sep 30, 2009 at 9:59pm.
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