my journal

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Yeah... it's hesitating a lot. Luckily I closed 2, otherwise I wouldn't be very relaxed right now. But I know that if it goes against me I can always open two more contracts.
 
See you in an hour. I am very relaxed. Everything is in favor of a big long fall. There's statistically two moments when big reversals happen: at 9 AM CET and between 6 PM and 10 PM CET. This is going to count as evening reversal, and it will last until tomorrow morning. But I'll probably chicken out by tonight, way before 10 PM. Or maybe I'll leave one position open with a wide trailing stop. Who knows? I've been changing my strategy so many times...
 
Ok, back again. Now you know why discretionary trading is not for me. I make just one trade per day and I keep on looking at it every 5 minutes. It's like giving birth and the baby is born dead, because by the time I am positive that it will go my way, I am already so sick and tired of my trade, that I exit with a few hundreds dollars of profit. That's because I fight my battle too early before it's even time to enter, and by the time it's a good entry I am so worn out by all the ups and downs, that I am happy to take a quick profit and stop worrying about it. I feel lucky to get out of it without losses.

Right now for example, it would be a great time to enter, but I've already gotten out of 2 positions, because of all the fear I've experienced between 6 AM and now.
 
I had been thinking about doing it for a few minutes already... it was in my subconscious thoughts. I looked at it over and over again and finally convinced myself that opening 4 positions again was the right thing to do. So now I am again at a "win or bust" state of mind. If this works and the EUR, ES and other guys keep on falling, this could very well be the last discretionary trade I'll ever need to do: with a fall of 100 ticks, I'll make 5000 dollars. If it doesn't happen and it goes the other way, it'll be the last discretionary trade I'll be able to afford for a while.

The thing is - we've been rising for 27 hours and if we were to reach new highs, like in an hour or so, it'd be a very rare event. It could happen yes. But usually when I go through emotional trouble for 10 hours because of one of my discretionary trades it ends up going my way. And it's been ten hours already. I woke up at 5 and thought it was about to reverse, but it kept going for 10 more hours. The EUR never acts like this. Even if it goes against me for another 2 hours, by tonight it will reverse, and I'll be ok.

Basically my conviction to re-open those 2 positions has been increasing as time went by, because a rise simply cannot last this long, in the sense that it hasn't in the past.
 
Now it seems to be going my way. It broke 1.4970 after being above it for hours and hours. Now I'll need to leave the house because otherwise I'll go crazy before I can make a profit of 1000 dollars and exit because it'll seem too good to be true, whereas I should exit with no less than 3000 given all the positions I have open. It's not like the broker will kick me out of my position because he's like my dad and thinks it's not acceptable that I make so much money without working (Hey, maybe that's why, unconsciously, I cut my profits short). Also, hopefully I'll be making the whole profit before my dad comes back, because he always destablizes me emotionally and then I trade like crap. It's like meeting the devil.
 
I am going. I am leaving the house.

This will be the last trade of my life (let's say for this month) if I can psychologically manage to keep it open for the next 3 hours.

I am going. I am coming back in an hour to see a profit of at least 2000 (40 ticks).
 
Still doing badly. Nothing is going the way I expect it to go. Now I am sick and tired. I will go crazy. It won't go down yet.

I also closed again those two extra contracts. I am starting to lose it. Have been watching closely since 6 am and it's now 7 pm. 13 hours watching this crap... it's taking its toll.

I had to close the two extra contracts because pretty soon there'll be a margin call, in less than 2 hours, and I don't want to be caught with 4 contracts and down 2000 dollars, because then my positions will be closed and I won't be able to recoup the loss. So I'll keep just two contracts open from now till tomorrow morning, because it looks like it's going to go down during the night.
 
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Wow... I was looking at the EUR all this time, while there was a great opportunity, LONG, on the CL. I almost missed it. Now I am short 2 EUR and long 1 CL.

I am just gonna let them run forever. I can't possibly lose on both, and most likely I'll make money on both. I should be 3000 dollars richer in just 1 hour and 15 minutes, when there'll be margin call.

Snap1.jpg

Wow, look at the CL. I've never seen anything more bullish.

Here's my prediction for the next hour: ES range, CL up, EUR down. Not just my prediction but also what I hope for.
 
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Could I have been any more stupid? Instead of staying outside like I had written, I came back home and started trading again. The CL looked bullish but it still kept going down. The EUR, of which I closed 2 positions, is going down fast, but now i am two contracts lighter. And the gains on the EUR are not even enough to cover my losses on the CL.
 
No, wait... even worse. Now I am losing money on both almost, on the EUR and CL. Because the EUR is not moving, and the CL is going down. I have to hand it to my automated systems once more, who didn't do anything today and didn't give me any trouble as usual (but lost 6000 in the past two weeks).
 
Am I crazy or what? Now i opened yet another long contract on the CL...! I am totally out of control. This better be the last discretionary day of my life. I have totally lost control over myself. Of course, deep inside, I am hoping for things to go my way. I am not trying to hurt myself, at all. The CL looks like it's now going up, I got the margin, and so I went long on it another contract. Of course if it doesn't go my way I have no backup plan.
 
Ok... ok!!! It's not going my way and now I am losing 300 on the CL. Enjoy my teachings on what you shouldn't do. This is perfect for the readers. Just read about me doing it, and don't do it yourself.

Anyway, I am feeling helpless.

After a whole day being contradicted by the market, I am thirsty for revenge and want everything to go my way now and at all costs. I'll invest whatever money I have. I'd even sell the house if I could.
 
Now, listen to this, you markets. I want the CL to go up big time, because it deserves to, after that big fall. And I want the EUR to come down, after 30 mother ****ing hours of going up non-stop.
 
Listen, you sonsofbitches. What kind of tricks are you ****ing playing on me? It's time for the ES to resume its rise or else what was it all about? The EUR has to anticipate the fall just like it's doing. And the CL has to start rising like it should be.

NO NO NO NO NO...!!!! You're hurting me. Don't!!!

I said I want the CL to RISE!!! GO! Make it rise!

EUR down and CL up, you got it? Or else you don't make any sense any more. Do NOT let me down!

Yes, keep going... keep going... good job...
 
Good! Good... keep going...

Yes, good job. Thanks. Thanks, really.

After all, I've been watching all day long, and now I do deserve to see the markets go my way. I am glad you agree.
 
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