Best Thread Joke of the day

Pat494

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13,849 1,406
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"
 
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Pat494

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13,849 1,406
A vastly over weight couple hired a rowing boat, whose number was 66, on the nearby lake. Suddenly the weather deteriorated and the organisers got worried, so they all yelled togethor


"come in boat 99 ".
 

Pat494

Legendary member
13,849 1,406
There was a young boy called Fred
Who was a bit weird in the head
One day he went to school
And just played the fool
And wound up in the master's bed.
 

Pat494

Legendary member
13,849 1,406
Q."Why was Theresa May sacked as nativity manager?

A. She couldn't run a stable government",
 

Pat494

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13,849 1,406
Q. Why hasn't Jeremy Corbyn got any ideas on Brexit ?

A. His old mentor Leonid Breznev died 30 years ago.
 

Atilla

Legendary member
19,050 2,685
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
 
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