Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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Ten Times in history when the 'F' word was almost appropriate:
# 1 Scattered f...ing showers, my ass! - Noah, 4314 BC
# 2 - How the f..k did I just work that out? - Pythagoras, 126 BC
# 3 - You want WHAT on the f...ing CEILING? - Michelango, 1568
# 4 - Where did all those f...ing Indians come from? - Custer, 1877
# 5 - It does so f...ing look like her! - Picasso, 1926
# 6 - Where the f..k are we? - Amelia Earhardt, 1937
# 7 - Any f...ing idiot should understand that! - Einstein, 1938
# 8 - What the f..k is that up there? - Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945
# 9 - I need this parade like I need a f...ing hole in my head! - JFK, 1963
#10 - Aw come on, who the f..k is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1997
# 1 Scattered f...ing showers, my ass! - Noah, 4314 BC
# 2 - How the f..k did I just work that out? - Pythagoras, 126 BC
# 3 - You want WHAT on the f...ing CEILING? - Michelango, 1568
# 4 - Where did all those f...ing Indians come from? - Custer, 1877
# 5 - It does so f...ing look like her! - Picasso, 1926
# 6 - Where the f..k are we? - Amelia Earhardt, 1937
# 7 - Any f...ing idiot should understand that! - Einstein, 1938
# 8 - What the f..k is that up there? - Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945
# 9 - I need this parade like I need a f...ing hole in my head! - JFK, 1963
#10 - Aw come on, who the f..k is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1997
searchlight
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A few jokes from FRANKIE BOYLE
"It's ironic that they say John Smeaton's actions stopped hundreds of people being horribly burned. These were Scottish people flying to Spain"
"They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride.Come on? For £9.2bn they could have written, 'Fcuk Off Germany' on the Moon."
"Ryanair is getting a hard time from the environmental lobby because they've introduced a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with Ryanair, it does land slightly outside New York. In Dublin."
"I'm all for gay adoption. Gay man make brilliant dads. They know all the best parks. And they've put talcum powder on a sore bottom before."
"I think it's great that the Olympics are happening in East London. It means the athletes have to use extra skill, to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starter pistol."
"It's ironic that they say John Smeaton's actions stopped hundreds of people being horribly burned. These were Scottish people flying to Spain"
"They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride.Come on? For £9.2bn they could have written, 'Fcuk Off Germany' on the Moon."
"Ryanair is getting a hard time from the environmental lobby because they've introduced a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with Ryanair, it does land slightly outside New York. In Dublin."
"I'm all for gay adoption. Gay man make brilliant dads. They know all the best parks. And they've put talcum powder on a sore bottom before."
"I think it's great that the Olympics are happening in East London. It means the athletes have to use extra skill, to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starter pistol."
new_trader
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Did you hear about the [edit]man who ripped off the railways? He bought a return ticket but didn't come back!
westernforce
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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "you've all got one minute to get out!"
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "you b@stards!"
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I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "No, you won't bring it back."
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The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "you b@stards!"
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I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "No, you won't bring it back."
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Last edited:
dick_dastardly
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0007
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More here: BBC NEWS | World | Flatulence joke is world's oldest and here BBC NEWS | Have Your Say | What makes a good joke?
One Roman jape dating back to the 1st Century BC details the Emperor Augustus touring his realm and coming across a man who bears a striking resemblance to himself.
Intrigued, he asks the man: "Was your mother at one time in service at the palace?"
The man replies: "No your highness, but my father was."
One Roman jape dating back to the 1st Century BC details the Emperor Augustus touring his realm and coming across a man who bears a striking resemblance to himself.
Intrigued, he asks the man: "Was your mother at one time in service at the palace?"
The man replies: "No your highness, but my father was."
Right, now that they've caught Karadžić (and also I heard that the Serbs were in the spotlight for Jill Dando's murder)...
Q. What do you call a Serbian Prostitute?
A. "Slobber down my knob you b!tch"
Don't give me any grief for it, this has been doing the rounds for years.
Q. What do you call a Serbian Prostitute?
A. "Slobber down my knob you b!tch"
Don't give me any grief for it, this has been doing the rounds for years.
new_trader
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
-Steven Wright
-Steven Wright
Pat494
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One day Confucious took his teenage son for a walk.
You know son, he said, they say around here that I am the wisest, cleverest man in the whole world !!
Is that right Pop ?
Yep - so how come you are such a dummy ?
If you're the wisest, cleverest man in the whole wide world you should be able to figure it out ! By the way when is Uncle Jack coming back to stay ?
You know son, he said, they say around here that I am the wisest, cleverest man in the whole world !!
Is that right Pop ?
Yep - so how come you are such a dummy ?
If you're the wisest, cleverest man in the whole wide world you should be able to figure it out ! By the way when is Uncle Jack coming back to stay ?
Pat494
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There were two friends, Mick and Paddy who went to the cinema to see a John Wayne cowboy movie. One said to the other I bet you Paddy £10 that John Wayne falls off his horse during the film. Alright says Paddy you’re on.
Well the film progresses, big John cleans up the town and puts all the crooks behind bars. He says “so long” to his friends, jumps on his horse to leave and falls flat on his face !
That’s a tenner you owe me says Mick, but I have a small confession. I’ve seen the film before !
So have I says Paddy but I didn’t think the silly fool would fall off his horse AGAIN !!
(Ronnie Corbett)
Well the film progresses, big John cleans up the town and puts all the crooks behind bars. He says “so long” to his friends, jumps on his horse to leave and falls flat on his face !
That’s a tenner you owe me says Mick, but I have a small confession. I’ve seen the film before !
So have I says Paddy but I didn’t think the silly fool would fall off his horse AGAIN !!
(Ronnie Corbett)
Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Renault van ran out of petrol.
When asked how he could devise such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Renault van ran out of petrol.
When asked how he could devise such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
