Best Thread Joke of the day

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any pharmacist. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local pharmacist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The bloke, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
 
A Friday Joke

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death witha spade. Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Monkey house, he is attacked by the Chimpanzees who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
 
I provide this link for your amusement only.

It in no way represents my experience or knowledge of the subject, nor anyone living or dead who may have known me even if I didn't know them. Nor should it in any way be construed as relating to anyone I know, know of, or have read about. Living or dead.

You may want to ensure your sound control is turned low - they are a bit gung ho on the level.

http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z
 
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords:-

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked pavement? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his Coc k wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy
 
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This one got a snort from all my friends:

What Happens When You Have...

  1. Nothing to do
  2. A sharp knife
  3. A large Lime
  4. A patient cat
  5. too much tequila
  6. and its football season
 

Attachments

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German Jokes!!

********
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
********
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
********
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was
clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low
self-esteem.
********
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
********
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.
********
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
********
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
********
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she
has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
********
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.
********
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
********
 
John,
oddly funny, in a way that encourages me to look for something worthwhile to do before I expire.
What's the 'Blackadder' quote - 'a nation with no word for "fluffy" I think it was....
On the other hand, being from a small island choc a bloc with xenophobes (most of whom have no excuse for criticising others... 'hello pot this is kettle, over...' ) generally subdivided into 4 even smaller sections who fight each other, I guess I've no room to talk.
One real life example from a pupil today, who has been reading the same book now since last Easter.... 'I'm only part way through it'
Reply - 'Yes, he's only coloured in the first 12 pages'
 
Dramatic irony is a device used in the performing arts to highlight a comical situation in which only a few are privy to the joke, contrasting the others that are not privy.

As DM is a form of joke, I am posting the following for the benefit of members:~



The London Stock Exchange is running a competition with a prize of £40,000 to the winner.

<QUOTE>

INVESTING IN SHARES
An Introduction.

Technical Anallysis.

Some investors view technical analysis as a kind of crystal ball gazing
but few ignore it completely and many professional investors employ
people to analyse what history may teach us about the future.

<UNQUOTE>

Those of you who find this hilarious will, and those of you who do not grab it, will not.
 
I think they are miffed, you know. I have just been in there again to see if I could root out other gems, but this time all has vanished, perplexing.....
 
I only have a minute, you must not miss this:~

From the opening post inclusion in the thread "Neurophysiology of Trust",

Top Stories, - Neurophysiology of Trust - Los Angeles Times.

(QUOTE) "Some experts suggest that stock markets and other financial exchanges, as creations of the human intellect, may mirror the biological networks in the brain."

"If only they can understand the brain, researchers believe, the mysteries of the markets will be revealed."(UNQUOTE).

All these things lead me to the conclusion that there is no need to look outside this business for amusement, as there are plenty of opportunities provided within it to do so.
 
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Oooh! I have just gone back and had another look, here is another gem from it :~

(QUOTE)
In virtually every area of markets, human behaviour has economists stumped.

"We don't know why stock prices go up and down", says Caltech economist Colin Camerer,
"We don't know why savings rates are dramatically different in different parts of the world".
"We don't know why there is labour market discrimination". (UNQUOTE)

..............(Giggle)........(mine).
 
A man walks into a pub with a lump of tarmac under his arm. ‘A pint please, landlord,’ he says, ‘and one for the road.’
 
Pinnochio.Pinnochio,wherefore art thou,Pinnochio.
Juliet wailed
I need a man to replace my lover Romeo,whose ardour has failed.
I think you could be the man for the job,if man indeed you be.
I was a tree hugger in my Hippy days and you can always lie to me.
 
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