Best Thread Joke of the day

Aww, c'mon, why did someone delete my joke? It wasn't THAT rude and it was worded in such a way that one would only understand it if they were old and mature enough anyway. It didn't even contain one swear...

Anyway, here is another; A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b!***."
 
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.

As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."

"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
 
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
 
Aww, c'mon, why did someone delete my joke? It wasn't THAT rude and it was worded in such a way that one would only understand it if they were old and mature enough anyway. It didn't even contain one swear...
Click to expand...

Let's put it this way mate.

I wouldn't have posted that f**king joke on here.

:LOL:(n):LOL:
 
Stevie wonder was playing a concert in Japan.

Half way through the show, someone shouts up at him "play a jazz chord!!"

Stevie hears this and glad that someone is aware of his extensive musical history, fires into a couple of jazz numbers.

At the end of these, the voice shouts up again "play a jazz chord!!"

Stevie again hears this and blasts into some improv. jazz pieces and plays them with all his heart.

At the end of these, the voice shouts up one more time "play a jazz chord!!!"

Stevie shouts out to the guy "look man, i've played all the jazz i know!!

What song do you want me to play?"

The man says "A JAZZ CHORD!"

Stevie says "i'm sorry, i don't know that one.

Sing some of it and i might be able to pick it up....."

With that the man starts singing.........


"A jazz chord..............to say............i wove you!!"
 
Amazing home remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube , don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and hey presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about not putting the toilet seat back down, by simply p1ssing in the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough!

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Amazing remedies to impress your friends,

Now pass it on!
 
Ambrose Ackroyd said:
Refresh my memory to see if I am thinking of the right joke and post it again.

But WDYGAF anyway ?

:LOL:
Click to expand...

Bah, it doesn't matter, and I don't care, either.

Here is another one for your amusement;

I've just upgraded the security system on my house.

Well when I say upgraded it, i mIan I've moved out of Liverpool.
 
Q. How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ?

A. Assuming there is some money left, all 650 MPs, about 2 months debating it in both Houses, a year to legislate it into effect and somebody from maintenance to get around to it eventually
 
Last edited:
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
 
Joseff said:
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
Click to expand...

Although it's probably true that they both think that they are smart, If every time one trader sold one, lot another bought one lot, there would be perfect equilibrium and the price wouldn't move.
It's the imbalance between buyers and sellers that cause the market to move :)
 
GumRai said:
Although it's probably true that they both think that they are smart, If every time one trader sold one, lot another bought one lot, there would be perfect equilibrium and the price wouldn't move.
It's the imbalance between buyers and sellers that cause the market to move :)
Click to expand...

Point is traders do different thing ( sell and buy ) and expect the same result. :cheesy:
 
Let's get back on-topic .....


264804-ambrose-ackroyd-albums-ambrose-ackroyd-s-pictures-picture1994-slags-everywhere.jpg
 
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
 
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