Ambrose Ackroyd
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,879
- Likes
- 287
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have sh1tty time.
Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
- Start date
- Watchers 251
Ambrose Ackroyd
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,879
- Likes
- 287
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with
your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"
"I can't p1ss out of it." the man replied.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with
your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"
"I can't p1ss out of it." the man replied.
Pat494
Legendary member
- Messages
- 14,614
- Likes
- 1,588
The Pope has some equipment half way down where the effing stopped years ago
or so they say
Ambrose Ackroyd
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,879
- Likes
- 287
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time.
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Ambrose Ackroyd
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,879
- Likes
- 287
This one is dedicated to Howard Cojones.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
trendie
Legendary member
- Messages
- 6,875
- Likes
- 1,433
Following on from the BBC article on the dying art of doctors slang,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/3159813.stm
I found this webpage. http://messybeast.com/dragonqueen/medical-acronyms.htm
Some of the better ones are:
APTFRAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
Ass Grapes - badly thrombosed or strangulated haemorrhoids
Bobbing for apples - unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
DBI - Dirt Bag Index: number of tattoos x number of missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed
DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give A F*ck
Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
LMC - Low marble count (low IQ)
Parentectomy - removing parents as an effective cure for a child's problems
Pneumo-cephalic - airhead
Wallet Biopsy - (US) free medical test performed by hospital insurance department before patient is treated (UK) similar test in private health sector
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time (I anticipate using this in some lulzy threads!)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/3159813.stm
I found this webpage. http://messybeast.com/dragonqueen/medical-acronyms.htm
Some of the better ones are:
APTFRAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
Ass Grapes - badly thrombosed or strangulated haemorrhoids
Bobbing for apples - unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
DBI - Dirt Bag Index: number of tattoos x number of missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed
DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give A F*ck
Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
LMC - Low marble count (low IQ)
Parentectomy - removing parents as an effective cure for a child's problems
Pneumo-cephalic - airhead
Wallet Biopsy - (US) free medical test performed by hospital insurance department before patient is treated (UK) similar test in private health sector
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time (I anticipate using this in some lulzy threads!)
Atilla
Legendary member
- Messages
- 20,775
- Likes
- 3,976
gamma
Experienced member
- Messages
- 1,231
- Likes
- 331
Our Lager,which art in barrels
Hollowed be thy drink
I will be drunk at home as in the taverns.
Give us this day our daily foamy
And forgive us our spillages
as we forgive
those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
but deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer the bitter
and the larger
forever and ever.
barman
Hollowed be thy drink
I will be drunk at home as in the taverns.
Give us this day our daily foamy
And forgive us our spillages
as we forgive
those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
but deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer the bitter
and the larger
forever and ever.
barman
AlexLutiera
Junior member
- Messages
- 20
- Likes
- 0
Tell Me What I Am
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
---------------------------------------------
Hahahahaha :clap:
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
---------------------------------------------
Hahahahaha :clap:
Hoggums
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,176
- Likes
- 878
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that, Doc?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
Then began to tell a story:
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
And never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as
If it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that, Doc?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
Then began to tell a story:
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
And never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as
If it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
0007
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,377
- Likes
- 664
Reminds me of the bloke whose wife went out for a pint of milk and didn't come back. After about a week one of his mates asked how was he managing. He replied "ok so far, I've been using the powdered stuff."
perosi
Member
- Messages
- 74
- Likes
- 3
Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
Ambrose Ackroyd
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,879
- Likes
- 287
Ambrose Ackroyd
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,879
- Likes
- 287
trader-john
Active member
- Messages
- 111
- Likes
- 12
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
Ambrose Ackroyd
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,879
- Likes
- 287
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Ambrose Ackroyd
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,879
- Likes
- 287
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He laid awake at nights wondering if there really is a dog.
He laid awake at nights wondering if there really is a dog.
trader-john
Active member
- Messages
- 111
- Likes
- 12
Words description:
Yawn - An honest opinion openly expressed
Gossip -A person who will never tell a lie if the
truth will do more damage
Chickens - The only creatures you eat before they
are born and after they are dead
Yawn - An honest opinion openly expressed
Gossip -A person who will never tell a lie if the
truth will do more damage
Chickens - The only creatures you eat before they
are born and after they are dead
