Best Thread Joke of the day
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Atilla
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Men's perspective ...
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
DavidBissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them..
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Anonymous
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Sam Kinison
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Anonymous
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
DavidBissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them..
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Anonymous
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Sam Kinison
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Anonymous
Atilla
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Bull **** Generator
http://www.ruderal.com/bull****/bull****.htm
Oooppsss! replace the **** with the word that pops into your head... then the link should work.
Enjoy :cheesy:
http://www.ruderal.com/bull****/bull****.htm
Oooppsss! replace the **** with the word that pops into your head... then the link should work.
Enjoy :cheesy:
After months of saving, Italian Genaro purchases a £300 pair of Boccelli leather shoes.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes.
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes.
For the last dance Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a crack in my £300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes.
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes.
For the last dance Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a crack in my £300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
What is the true definition of globalization?
Princess Diana's death.
How come?..
Well, an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Canadian whisky, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
And this is posted by an Englishman, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Pakistani illegal immigrants, and finally sold to you.
Now that is globalization!
Princess Diana's death.
How come?..
Well, an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Canadian whisky, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
And this is posted by an Englishman, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Pakistani illegal immigrants, and finally sold to you.
Now that is globalization!
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector:
'First body: An Italian , 60, died
of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Paddy O,Neil, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his picture taken'.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector:
'First body: An Italian , 60, died
of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Paddy O,Neil, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his picture taken'.
A large company hired a new Chief Executive Officer to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the firm's headquarters, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall with his hands in his pockets.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make £300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy £1200 in cash and screamed, "Here's a months pay. Now F**k Off and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy b*stard did around here?"
From across the room an employee shouted, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
On a tour of the firm's headquarters, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall with his hands in his pockets.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make £300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy £1200 in cash and screamed, "Here's a months pay. Now F**k Off and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy b*stard did around here?"
From across the room an employee shouted, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
What's in a Name???
Best clean joke so far this year .... perhaps!
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is peenis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Nope, not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years ... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like peenis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able
to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the
agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.....
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and
a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him
$50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed ...
'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like peenis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.
I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed
with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.'
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Best clean joke so far this year .... perhaps!
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is peenis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Nope, not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years ... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like peenis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able
to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the
agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.....
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and
a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him
$50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed ...
'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like peenis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.
I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed
with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.'
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Gumping
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A woman goes up to the checkout at a supermarket. She's bought one courgette, one yoghurt, one bowl of potato salad, one stick of celery and one bottle of water.
The cashier asks 'Are you single?'
She replies 'Yes I am - could you tell from my shopping?'
'No' replies the cashier. 'You're f*cking ugly'
The cashier asks 'Are you single?'
She replies 'Yes I am - could you tell from my shopping?'
'No' replies the cashier. 'You're f*cking ugly'
Gumping
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are working on a building site. One day while at lunch, the Englishman opens his lunchbox and takes out his sandwiches, 'Ham! HAM!! I'm so p!$$ed off with ham sandwiches. If I have ham again I'm going to f**king jump off this building!'
The Scotsman then opens his lunchbox, 'Cheese! I have cheese sandwiches everyday and I'm fed up too! If I have cheese tomorrow I'm jumping with you!'
Then the Irishman opens his 'JAM!! I'll be right with you if I have jam again!'
Next day they open their lunches. Englushman has ham, Scotsman has cheese, Irishman has jam. They all jump off the building they are working on.
The company goes to the wife of the englishman to tell her that he was fed up with ham sandwiches and she starts wailing how guilty she feels and if only she'd thought a bit about what to put in his sandwiches none of this would have happened.
Similar story with the Scotsman.
When they call on the Irishman's wife to tell her the tale she starts wailing 'If only he didn't make his own sandwiches he'd still be here...'
The Scotsman then opens his lunchbox, 'Cheese! I have cheese sandwiches everyday and I'm fed up too! If I have cheese tomorrow I'm jumping with you!'
Then the Irishman opens his 'JAM!! I'll be right with you if I have jam again!'
Next day they open their lunches. Englushman has ham, Scotsman has cheese, Irishman has jam. They all jump off the building they are working on.
The company goes to the wife of the englishman to tell her that he was fed up with ham sandwiches and she starts wailing how guilty she feels and if only she'd thought a bit about what to put in his sandwiches none of this would have happened.
Similar story with the Scotsman.
When they call on the Irishman's wife to tell her the tale she starts wailing 'If only he didn't make his own sandwiches he'd still be here...'
Gumping
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The poor Irish are always on the receiving end of jokes.....
Here's one about Indians:
An Indian man goes to the supermarket looking for toilet paper. He asks an assistant where it can be found. The assistant replies 'Well sir it's your lucky day! There is a new brand of toilet paper this week. Everybody is entitled to a free pack as long as they suggest a name for the new brand.'
Very pleased the Indian man takes his free toilet paper home.
A week later he comes back into store.
'Excuse me.' he says to the assistant. 'I am having name for the new toilet paper.'
'Excellent! ' The assistant replies, 'What do you want to call it?'
'John Wayne Toilet Paper' replies the Indian man.
'John Wayne! Why on earth do you want to call it that?' the assistant asks
'Because toilet paper is tough, rough and takes no sh*t off of Indians!'
Here's one about Indians:
An Indian man goes to the supermarket looking for toilet paper. He asks an assistant where it can be found. The assistant replies 'Well sir it's your lucky day! There is a new brand of toilet paper this week. Everybody is entitled to a free pack as long as they suggest a name for the new brand.'
Very pleased the Indian man takes his free toilet paper home.
A week later he comes back into store.
'Excuse me.' he says to the assistant. 'I am having name for the new toilet paper.'
'Excellent! ' The assistant replies, 'What do you want to call it?'
'John Wayne Toilet Paper' replies the Indian man.
'John Wayne! Why on earth do you want to call it that?' the assistant asks
'Because toilet paper is tough, rough and takes no sh*t off of Indians!'
An American doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'.
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two a*rseholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two a*rseholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.
Pat494
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Ha ha
I see Jeremy Clarkson has apologised for his insulting remarks about Brown !!
The crawler !!
0007
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Ha ha
I see Jeremy Clarkson has apologised for his insulting remarks about Brown !!
The crawler !!
Not even allowed to state facts these days!
Atilla
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Banks, government, superstars the elite of society are breaking down into a freak show for the masses.
Theft the lot. It's all going to pot.
I tell you what's funny. Made me laugh on the train as I read it in the newspapers.
1. Tax payers bail out screwed up banks driven by fat *******s wanting higher bonuses.
2. Government taxes your average man earning £20,000 so that...
3. Fat b(w)anking *******s earning £2,000,000 can give them selves a bonus.
IT'S FOCKING CRIMINAL THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
I'm going to go and burgle one of these bankers houses and then focking sell the **** back to them to see how they like it. If they don't pay or can't afford to get their belongings back, then let the government put em through the courts and lockem up or administer 90 community service where they get to clear out the drains in the city.
THAT'S REALLY FUNNY THAT IS.
HERE IS ANOTHER FUNNY JOKE.
1. People earn £20,000 get taxed to bail out banks.
2. Banks then - hopefully will lend the money back to us so we can have a roof over our heads.
3. They will then charge us interest rates 2 - 3 times the Base Rate for lending back to us the money we have given them in the first FOCKING PLACE!!!! ARRRRRRRRGHHHHH
IT'S REALLY REALLY FUNNY INIT. SO STRANGE BUT TRUE. SOUNDS LIKE FICTION BUT ITS REALITY.
We should send the men in the white coats to clean up government and the bankers IMHO.
You've got to laugh otherwise one will go insane.
