Best Thread Joke of the day

Here is one for Pat
 

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
 
foroom lluzers said:
an irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

the man says, "give me three pints of guinness please."

so the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "sir, i know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low i'll bring you a fresh cold one."

the man says, "you don't understand. I have two brothers, one in australia and one in the states. We made a vow to each other that every saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "i know what your tradition is, and i'd just like to say that i'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

the man said, "oh, me brothers are fine----i just quit drinking."
Click to expand...

rofl
 
A lady approaches her priest and tells him 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

"What do they say?' the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?''

"That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.'

"Thank you!' the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding their rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say 'Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?'

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Well, finally... our prayers have been answered!"
 
Shaun arrived up in Dublin and stood looking up at Liberty Hall. A Dublin man arrived on the scene and 'said, 'Look, you've got to pay me £1 for every storey of Liberty Hall you look up at. How many storeys did you look at?'
'Five', said Shaun, and handed over £5.
'I certainly fooled him', said Shaun to himself afterwards, 'I really looked at ten storeys'.
 
Three Dunigol guys, Patrick, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in county mayo. Unfortunately, Patrick falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of guiness.
Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'patrick's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the guiness?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Patrick's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of guinness you are.'
 
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
 
Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
'What's wrong, Seamus?' Joey-Jim asked.
'Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?' said Seamus.
'Ah, praise the Almighty!' he replied with relief. 'I thought I'd gone deaf!'
 
"Dad, Why is my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter".

"OK, Thanks Dad".

"No problem Alan".
 
cbrads said:
"Dad, Why is my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter".

"OK, Thanks Dad".

"No problem Alan".
Click to expand...


That's one anal joke :LOL:
 
Last edited:
Patrick walks into a bar, and orders 2 pints of guiness .

Patrick looks upset and the barmaid asks him what the problem is.

I am out drinking with my wife.

"My wife is a bully," Patrick says. "Every day, I trade , and every night she beats me."

"Well, why don't you just stop gambling her money and losing it?" the barmaid asks.

"I love the flutter red or black ," Patrick says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."

The barmaid is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."

"Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser , she goes to the casino."
 
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