Best Thread Joke of the day
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jonnyy40
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I ran into Morrissey,one day,from the Smiths
'I love your lyrics mate' I said.He replied ' yes,it's a gift'
'If I fetch a CD,could you sign?I'll only be a little while'
'On the way back,I won't forget to call the ambulance for you on me mobile'
'I love your lyrics mate' I said.He replied ' yes,it's a gift'
'If I fetch a CD,could you sign?I'll only be a little while'
'On the way back,I won't forget to call the ambulance for you on me mobile'
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TheBramble
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There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his bum like a Dahlia
Although the colours were bright
And the shape was just right
The smell was a perfect failure.
Who painted his bum like a Dahlia
Although the colours were bright
And the shape was just right
The smell was a perfect failure.
frugi
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I'm a romantic.
I often want to bring you flowers
Leave notes under the pillow.
Billets doux. Fivers.
I'm a romantic.
Many's the time I've nearly bought
the unexpected gift.
Chocolates. Diamonds.
I'm a romantic.
How often do I think
of surprising you at the sink.
Pulling the wool over your eyes.
I'm a romantic.
Love on the lino: soapy chocolates,
Diamonds, crushed flowers, fivers,
Billets doux. Wool.
(Little packet, two-thirds full.)
(c) Roger McGough
I often want to bring you flowers
Leave notes under the pillow.
Billets doux. Fivers.
I'm a romantic.
Many's the time I've nearly bought
the unexpected gift.
Chocolates. Diamonds.
I'm a romantic.
How often do I think
of surprising you at the sink.
Pulling the wool over your eyes.
I'm a romantic.
Love on the lino: soapy chocolates,
Diamonds, crushed flowers, fivers,
Billets doux. Wool.
(Little packet, two-thirds full.)
(c) Roger McGough
darktone
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the
road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to
him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?
With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the
middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a
plasterer?"
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the
road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to
him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?
With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the
middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a
plasterer?"
A woman goes into a betting shop, goes up to the window and places her breasts on the counter and says to the cashier; "I would like these on the favourite in the 3.30pm at Ascot." The shocked and slightly embarrassed cashier says, "Madam, we do not take bets like that." A debate ensues until the store manager comes over to intervene.
"What seems to be the problem madam;" he asks. The woman then repeats her bet to the manager who turns round and says, "Sorry madam we do not take bets like that." The rather frustrated woman looks at him and says; "If that is the case, how come my husband comes home and says ..."I have done my b*******?"
"What seems to be the problem madam;" he asks. The woman then repeats her bet to the manager who turns round and says, "Sorry madam we do not take bets like that." The rather frustrated woman looks at him and says; "If that is the case, how come my husband comes home and says ..."I have done my b*******?"
Salty Gibbon
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A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive-looking Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place ‘for a coffee’. They get to her flat, and she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligée. ‘I am your sex slave!’ she says. ‘I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want.’ The man can't believe his luck. ‘Hmm,’ he says, grinning from ear-to-ear. ‘I really fancy a 69.’ ‘F**k off!’ replies the girl. ‘I'm not cooking at this time of night.’
jonnyy40
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Quite a while ago,now.I was standing beside my car,when a woman in perhaps her late 50s approached.'You lucky,lucky boy.' she said,fixing me with a leer.'You lucky boy!'
I was younger then and I was embarrassed what sort of luck (was about) to come my way.Her face then changed. 'Sorry,I was talking to my cat that's under your car.'
I was younger then and I was embarrassed what sort of luck (was about) to come my way.Her face then changed. 'Sorry,I was talking to my cat that's under your car.'
Salty Gibbon
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An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings. Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end. ‘Albert,’ she says, ‘Please be careful when you're driving back. I just heard on the radio that there’s a maniac on the M1. He’s driving the wrong way!’ ‘It's not just one,’ Albert replies, ‘There's ****ing hundreds of them!’
In a large supermarket, a man approached a very beautiful woman and said,
- "I've lost track of my wife. Could you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?"
- "Why?" she asked.
- "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of
nowhere."
- "I've lost track of my wife. Could you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?"
- "Why?" she asked.
- "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of
nowhere."
Salty Gibbon
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The nice gesture
Two men are sitting on a riverbank, fishing.
Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the bridge.
One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.
‘That was a nice gesture,’ says the other man.
‘Oh,’ replies the first, ‘it’s the least I can do.
We were married 25 years.’
Two men are sitting on a riverbank, fishing.
Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the bridge.
One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.
‘That was a nice gesture,’ says the other man.
‘Oh,’ replies the first, ‘it’s the least I can do.
We were married 25 years.’
Salty Gibbon
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Having heard from the jury, the judge asked the accused serial killer to stand. ‘You have been found guilty of murdering your postman with a chainsaw,’ he said, sternly. ‘You lying b*****d!’ screamed a man in the gallery, leaping to his feet. The judge stared in astonishment, before turning back to the killer to continue with his verdict: ‘You are also guilty of killing a housewife with a hammer.’ ‘You miserable s**t!’ yelled the man, again leaping to his feet. ‘Sir,’ the judge said, ‘I am seconds away from charging you with bringing the court into disrepute. Kindly explain your outrageous interruptions.’ ‘I lived next door to that b*****d for 20 years,’ the man snarled, ‘and did he ever have a garden tool when I needed one?’
