my journal 3

This is a discussion on my journal 3 within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; Today I broke my vegan rule for a couple of occasions, such as eating some sausage and, earlier, an ice ...

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Old Sep 22, 2012, 12:17am   #1771
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Today I broke my vegan rule for a couple of occasions, such as eating some sausage and, earlier, an ice cream, and guess what: 3 hours later i am here still digesting it.

It ****ing sucks. When I eat vegan instead, I never feel myself digesting anything.
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Old Sep 22, 2012, 1:14am   #1772
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Damn, still can't sleep. Always being concerned about other people's opinion of me. I've always been self-conscious, but I used to beat that with total confidence in myself and my appearance. But now that's gone, too, thanks to that bitch who told me I am too old for some things. So, most people are confident because they say "well, **** it who cares...". I was confident because i said "i am better...". And now that I am not better, even according to this bitch, merely due to age, then I am feeling very insecure. Confidence as a swimmer was my biggest strength. But if someone comes along and tells me that I am no good at something or similar, that really hurts my confidence. I am left feeling ridiculous or similar. And I haven't recovered - it's been 3 days already. Maybe this bitch wanted to hurt my father, out of envy, but she didn't dare, she hurt me instead. Part of me thinks she wanted to warn me or help me. Another part of me thinks something in my behaviour bothered her. Another part thinks she is envious of my family, and wanted to bother us, in any way she could find.

3 days already gone and I am still thinking about it. We all know that I obsess about things, but only when i feel they're worth it, so this is a major issue for me: aging. Not her words, but the fact that there's truth - of course - behind her words. Now, another thing I am wondering, as i said, is if she did it to help me or to hurt me. I'm not sure. She might have done it to help me, and yet be so stupid that she hurt me. You know, a lot of stupid people mean well but produce damage, with acts as well as with words.

I know for a fact that she's stupid, but she may also be mean, on top of being stupid. Let's not underestimate her mean side. I wonder if she's more mean or stupid. I think she's more stupid, so I would tend to attribute her words to stupidity, but in this case... i don't know. I really need to see some good deeds to change my mind about this one, this incident where she seemed she wanted to hurt me.

This concern is probably going to go away as soon as i resume going to work. Next time I'll come here, I'll certainly remember to avoid her.
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Old Sep 22, 2012, 2:24pm   #1773
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Yeah, i just came back from lunch, at the aunt's whom i have been calling a gossiping bitch. This is what happens with relatives: they invite you to lunch and you forgive them. So basically, since the other aunt, the one who reminded me of my age, still hasn't invited me to lunch, she's the only gossiping bitch left.

Other than this, I will be back at the bank in less than 48 hours, so i swam for a long time today, despite the fact that no one was in the water, because somehow today they feel that it's cold, which is ridiculous. However, the fact that everyone thinks that it's cold and stays out of the water, somehow makes it colder for me as well. I am a victim of peer pressure to some degree. Not as much as the others, but if no one is in the water, I have a tendency to look at the ocean suspiciously, as if there's a dead whale, a shark or as if it were cold. But i swam and none of those fears turned out to be true.

Plus, for a suspected exhibitionist of physical prowess like me, it was a great opportunity to show off: you guys feel cold, and I don't. You're a bunch of wimps. In fact, the ideal beach would be one with one person looking at me, because i've always been a "look ma, no hands!" person. I need a public, but not at the risk of being ridiculed by anyone in the audience. So one person would be enough. Also, it makes me feel safer - there could be an emergency.

I like physical prowess where there's no danger involved. Screw backflips and extreme sports. Just cold water and endurance in swimming. It's healthy, too. Just displaying health. Not unnecessary risks. And the water is not really cold - it's just psychological.

I could swim until decembre, without any problems, provided i can take long hot showers after i come back. The problem unfortunately is that i still do not have enough money to quit my job at the bank and move here. But, if i don't blow out and make money according to the forward-tested data, I might be able to come here every weekend until the day i quit my job. Of course that's also a huge gamble in terms of plane crashes. It would multiply by many times my chance of dying in a plane crash, and a car crash, too, during all the trips to/from the airports. Overall, I am hoping to get fired, or that my bank goes bankrupt and closes, or, as a last resort, the global financial collapse i've been wishing on the world. Any of these is better than working at the bank.
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Old Sep 23, 2012, 9:08am   #1774
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread couldn't find a ticket back to rome, so i am postponing my departure by one day, and leaving tomorrow

yesterday i broke my raw vegan diet due to a dinner with many relatives, during which I ate ice cream, ravioli, and drank some liquor

tonight i'll have to start the systems from here

i already bought a ticket to come back next weekend (not exactly here, but same region)
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Old Sep 23, 2012, 3:28pm   #1775
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread another big meal with many relatives, skipped vegan diet once again (especially by eating sweets) - as usual when you're with people it's hard to stay healthy, even though it's good in that it helps your social skills and diminishes paranoias. It would be perfect to interact with people but not during meals.

now that i've made peace with the gossiping aunt #1, she invited gossiping aunt #2 at lunch, but she didn't show up, maybe for fear of being poisoned by me. Now she'll come for coffee, but I am here, checking my daily dietary intakes, and i might avoid the first few minutes of her visit.

other than this, tonight i'll start the systems from this house at the beach, which is always a big satisfaction, considering no one else here even has internet access, except the gossiping aunt #2, who lives here all year long.

[...]

Slept 2 hours, and while I was sleeping i was hearing gossiping aunt #2 in front of our house. I know it's lame, because it's a bit over-reacting, but I hope she left by now, so i don't meet her at all. I feel ok about the other guests, because before leaving i managed to wash all the dishes.

Now parents are going to church, and I can have some peace. The gossiping aunt #2 hopefully will have left by the time they go to church. About another four hours till i start the systems again. I'm going swimming if i've digested everything, but it's unlikely, in which case i'll go anyway. Mosquito bites will keep me warm, then i'll get more mosquito bites for tomorrow.

[...]

Argh! I just peeked and she's still there, sitting in front of the house. Damn. Everyone left and she's still there. What is she doing there. Damn.

Is she waiting for me. I don't think so.

on the run from my guests for two days and a half, and now on the run from my distant aunt, for an afternoon. I've got to learn how to talk to people and ignore people - it's about time. I guess the rule should be that they can say to me and look at me all they want, provided that they don't bite me or hit me. Other than that, I should feel free. As for my guests, I should have told him: "hey, no computer from me". And basically I should have spent my day away from them, without the need to lock myself in.

The same for other situations. I should care a tiny bit less about people and their thoughts and words. I call them idiots all the time, but i still care too much about them and their approval. I shouldn't take offense as much and all that. I shouldn't even engage in conversations with most of them. Now the bitch is sitting in front of my house, and I don't want to get out so i don't meet her. I should only talk about the weather with everyone, until i am positive they're worth having a serious conversation with. Instead I go from no conversation to existential conversation, and i get disappointed 90% of the time. But I also meet a 10% of interesting people that i wouldn't meet otherwise. For example, like that time I talked to the lifeguard about the chemtrails in the sky, and we engaged in a conversation that lasted an hour. In that case, ironically, i was indeed talking about the weather, and we ended up talking about the bible.

Overall, there's some pain in me, linked to this having to avoid my aunt, and being around relatives who've known me all their lives, whether I appreciate them or not, and who've treated me nicely since i was born. They're such good relatives that I feel sorry for them and how they're getting old, and how the big dinners at my grandfather's house, have turned into smaller dinners nowadays, like last night or today. Then there's this aunt, who won't leave, and she's ruined my afternoon. And I might not be able to say bye to my uncle and his family, because she's still sitting there. Retarded bitch. Talkative bitch. Gossiping bitch. And her sidekick, gossiping aunt #1, who turns into a bitch when she's together with her. Whores, always ganging up on other relatives - well, anyway my uncle knows i didn't disappear for him because we spent hours together, until I left to wash dishes and then, from there, into my room, so no one, except this bitch, feels offended. They may just wonder where I've gone. And now i've missed my swimming for sure, because this bitch is still there, singing with my uncle's daughter. Well, i swam a long time today and i was still digesting anyway.

...

damn, now they're calling me, but i am not answering.

coming for me?

hopefully not.

did this bitch leave yet?

I'll pretend i'm sleeping.

they didn't dare enter the house.

Only called me once, probably they'll think i didn't hear them or that i wasn't here.

Ok, so now my uncle is leaving and i didn't say bye, because of this bitch still sitting in front of my house, presumably.

Well, it's ok, it's not like i have to say bye to people just because it could be my last time meeting them. Besides, this uncle busted my balls a few times as well, so he now got punished for those times he asked me about school or lectured me about something.

Ok, now everyone is gone, and the only people left are the two gossiping bitches. Unbelievable. I am not even going out to check if this is the case, because it'd be awkward.

I have to remember how tight these bitches are, and that even a nice aunt turns into a witch if she's around a gossiping bitch.

Sad sad life.

Instead of playing some sports, these two spend their day talking about us, and I am even more miserable in caring about what they say. Evil witches, i've identified you. I now have to learn to not hear what they say, and not stop and talk to them. Evil witches.

so much for my idea of replacing friends with relatives - friends you can stop being friends with, but relatives it's for life, so in some cases, like with these witches, it's a nightmare for life. They live right here, next door. Both of them. It's unlikely that they'll move, or that i'll move.

[...]

I went for a walk on the rocks in front of the ocean and i felt like crying, because i realized this world of my childhood is disappearing. Then the mosquitoes brought me back to my senses, and I ran back home. Always on the run.

When you're away from the places you hate, and you're right in the place you love the most, you realize that time is taking everything away from you: your relationships, yourself, your place in life... i feel exactly like the protagonist of the swimmer:



All of a sudden, you open your eyes and you realize the world you loved as a child is mostly gone. You are in the same exact places, but that world is mostly gone, and it keeps on disappearing. Even some of the people you loved so much may change their attitude towards you, and treat you differently than when you were a child. It's over.
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Old Sep 23, 2012, 9:18pm   #1776
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread The ideal house has no tv, no kitchen (eating raw vegan), no refrigerator (eating raw vegan). I might get married just to force my wife to have such a house and such a kitchen.
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Old Sep 23, 2012, 10:57pm   #1777
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Ok, starting the systems for tomorrow. I really hope for a good week.
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Old Sep 23, 2012, 11:38pm   #1778
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread You're born into this world, and all the relatives around you paint a nice picture of the world for you. Then, as the years go by, not only do you have to put up with all the disappointments, and information contrary to this picture, but all those who made it look like a beautiful world start dying. Who's gonna die next?

And they tell you that the only way to live a healthy life is to produce other children, thereby creating another "family". In turn, according to their advice, you will create more children, that will have grandparents, uncles/cousins, and parents, who will paint a pretty picture for them. Then, when they see, or before they even see the lie, they will produce more children, and tell them more lies... on and on, forever.

And if, like me, you don't do that, then you will see the bare truth and stare death in the eye. Unburdened by distractions.

You will then be called: loner, solitary, something wrong with him, he never married, he lives in fantasy world, i have no idea what they call me or what they will call me, but this is what you get by society for not perpetuating this game of deception and passing deceptions from one generation to the next.

A child grows up to become an adult, and nobody even tells him bluntly "it was all lies". He grows up and realizes that probably he was told mostly lies, but even before he realizes that, he has already created another child and it's too late to change his mind and tell the child "sorry, I gave you death, and you were born into a beautiful world that will gradually disappear". You perpetuate a lie, and do not dare to tell the truth to your child, if you even ever realize it.

And if someone doesn't play the game of perpetuating the lie, then something's wrong with him. And there's all kinds of names for this. Anyone who's not carefree and happy, is called with derogatory terms. Even just think about the term "sad person". It's pretty neutral, but it doesn't sound that acceptable to be considered and called "a sad person". But that is simply a person who has looked at the facts. A person who's happy and carefree: that's a person who's living in deception.

Other than family life to distract us, we have our job. The office for example. Other than the rat race, there's even the daily slavery at the office, even if you didn't fall for the rat race. You still have to go there and deal with your colleagues. All these distractions keep you from realizing the deception. Which i could clearly see on vacation and it is this: you're born, everything is nice, then you start having unpleasant duties, then those people who made your world so nice start dying, and you're advised to take on extra duties to keep yourself from facing so much unpleasant truth, namely create a family so they can keep the deception going. You lose your grandparents, you get children. You lose your parents, you get grandchildren... on and on, generation after generation. Intentionally, subconsciously, or unintentionally, such as for those guys who just want to have sex, the woman gets pregnant, and there's your child ready, without the need for any thinking.

Like van damme said, "i am aware". I don't care about you relatives, about you stupid humans, about how you'll laugh, and how you'll call me.

I enjoy being aware of what's going on, at least for as long as i can bear it.

Then tomorrow I'll start my office and all this awareness will go and I will be worried about how to keep at bay my stupid colleague and how to make the best of living the day with an animal, a small chimp, that's what he is.

I work with a bunch of chimps. I have chimps for neighbours. And I have chimps for relatives, in part.

The few people who open their eyes are those living alone. Never trust those very social people. That's like being drunk basically. I want to get away so badly from people... this place would be ideal despite one stupid relative living here. Let's hope in the systems, even though i already know how slow they are. But maybe I can spend a couple of weekends away from rome. Better than nothing.

...

Instead I want to live my life with my parents. I don't want to drift away from them because I am being with a woman, who demands attention and probably money and even asks me to take advantage of my parents. Screw that. We all know that you don't get married to have sex, and therefore what do you get married for? Because you're screwed basically, you're stuck into these situations.

I want to be in control, and not lose control of my life, which happens the minute you get married and/or have a child. That's what my aunt meant: i am not playing by the rules of the game. I've had my youth, and am not entitled to extend it. Now is the time to have children, go to the beach, and lie in the sun like she does, all day long, and watch the children build sand castles.

Monkeys, talking monkeys. Gossiping monkeys.

I clash with their patterns and ideas.

I write this, because i have to dilute my consciousness and awareness. Too much staring death in the eye can drive you mad. I need to sugar-coat it a little bit myself. Not as much as they do though. Writing all this down means in some way leaving my worries on the journal. I write them down and i don't have to worry about them so much because they're written down for the gods and readers to read and think about. Whoever out there is reading them.

I write it down and leave it there, for a little while. I've taken care of it for a little while. There's not much more I can do. Like the truth, but i can't bear it, the naked truth.

My aunt, she can't even see it.

I can see it, i want to see it, but then I have to forget it a little bit.

She instead has placed people between her and the truth: her daughter, her husband, her friends... all busy lying so she doesn't see any truth during her lifetime.
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Old Sep 24, 2012, 9:29am   #1779
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread ok, leaving the island in half an hour

systems lost a few dozen dollars on the ym

managed to swim today as well

fog in the bay, rare - no wind today, rare
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Old Sep 24, 2012, 7:36pm   #1780
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread back in rome, car ride from the airport, signal excellent

making about 100 with NG and GBP trades from the systems - it was 400 a few hours ago, damn

going to dinner with my father, celebrating a secretary's birthday - there i'll be confronted by the other secretary, who's going to mention the guests i made enemies with.

i can't believe i went swimming this morning, like a fish, and now i am here, totally transformed

I don't care my age, i belong in the water, and i will swim as long as i can. Need to get into scuba diving, because i sense i belong underwater even more. i don't mean at any depths more than than 3 meters, but it'd be good to just sit there for hours, maybe even fall asleep underwater, why not, with a huge tank of oxygen, or build a hideout underwater, or get a submarine... yeah: submarine or similar. Yeah, then the nuclear holocaust will hit the island, and I will be the only survivor because i was underwater. The gossiping bitches at the beach will be wiped out.

And I will be able to wear my swimsuit, regardless of my age.
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Old Sep 24, 2012, 11:15pm   #1781
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Yeah, back at home. Intricate web of cables, getting my wifi to work again - having had lots of problems lately and i can't understand why.

Gossiping bitches a distant memory and a luxury. Having to go to work instead. Marijuana plant has grown so much, i need to get a device to support it, from the flower shop.

HP desktop out of battery.

Another friend asking for help with his possibly cheating wife.

Nothing good. Not even enough time to sleep - and probably screaming child is back and will wake me up one hour earlier than i need to wake up.

Let's hope to have at least made some money from the systems - the only ones not letting me down, regardless of my mood and emotional instability.

Them and my server. Reliable. Wherever i am, whichever mood i am in. As reliable as a reliable parent.

Yeah, made a few dollars. Not even 100 though.

All right, starting them again, for tomorrow.

The only good thing about being back is that i can listen to my conspiracy radios all i want now.

You know: one would say instinctively that things just keep getting worse or at least that they don't get better, but this is far from being true. Indeed, I get into more and more complex things and that is why i don't have them all solved and figured out right now.

If it were just the systems, I'd be ok. If it were just one computer, I'd be done as well, with no worries. But instead now I have 5 computers, investigating nutrition, conspiracy theories, travelling, growing pot... it's just the quantity of things that i am doing that has increased the problems. It's not that i am leaving things unfinished and it's not that i am undoing my progress. It is just that as i keep solving things, i keep expanding my areas of research and development. But if they increased even by just one more friend, i would have to cut down on something else, because it's getting to the point of being counter-productive. And the retarded maid has struck again: she didn't kill the plant, but she produced some new creative little tiny annoying problems for me.

[...]

Sure enough, I did not even fall asleep yet and he's already crying and calling his mom, because maybe he's had a bad dream.

The previous dude in that room died. He was making noises all the time and then he died after a few months. Now there's this one, 4 years old, and he might outlast me. But I wish him death nonetheless.

even if i go to sleep now, i will only sleep 7 hours and then i have to go to the office, those dick heads.

Provided he doesn't wake me up earlier

easy come easy go... how did that song go?



I don't even know what it means but it sounds right

totally unrelated instead:
http://dictionary.reference.com/brow...,+easy+go?r=66

but it sounded good
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Old Sep 25, 2012, 7:29am   #1782
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Yeah, feeling mosquito bites that i didn't even know i had. Sensitivity increased. Now that everything is softer here - the wooden floor feels like a mattress - and there's no sand on the floor, i am feeling cuts and mosquito bites that i didn't know i had. And it's going to be tough re-adapting to the office, knowing how much it hurts me. But in 30 minutes I will be there.
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Old Sep 25, 2012, 11:31am   #1783
 
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Yamato started this thread Yup. Back at the office. Everything under control. Nothing stolen. Work manageable. No yelling from the boss yet - not that i could get up and go home on my first day anyway. I wonder what the systems are doing. Today I have to buy a support structure for my cannabis plant. Battery for desktop. And propecia.
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Old Sep 25, 2012, 3:11pm   #1784
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Yeah, back home. Lot of trading taking place, by the systems always. Ain't tampering.

Been eating some dry leaves from my cannabis plant, and I might actually feel some high. I'll go and eat some more now, since the plant doesn't care about dry leaves anyway.

The plant is huge - i owe this at least to the retarded maid, because she watered it, as if it were her daughter.

Yeah.

I wonder, had I been here, if the plant would have grown this much in two weeks or if, out of impatience, i would have done things that would have killed it. This seems to be like with my trading systems: capital grows faster if I leave them alone. If I tamper, I might help initially, but sooner or later, I'll do something that blows out my account.
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Old Sep 25, 2012, 5:03pm   #1785
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Yeah...! The fruit seller ripped me off and sold me a fractalish cauliflower instead of broccoli, despite me asking specifically for broccoli. Damn him. Awesome being ripped off as a vegan, because I got a fractalish cauliflower instead of broccoli. I was ripped off for 2 euros. You get ripped off and you're just as rich and healthy as if you didn't. People are such fools not being vegans.

cauliflower-1_1280.jpg

You don't get fat, don't get ill, sick, don't get cancer, heart disease, you save money, you don't need a kitchen, no pots, no dishes, no silverware, no washing dishes, no dishwasher, no refrigerator, no washing... jesus. It makes no sense being anything but a raw vegan.

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