my journal 3

This is a discussion on my journal 3 within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; idea2develop Wow. If this is me on vacation, I think I am about to go crazy. Vacation used to be ...

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Old Sep 18, 2012, 9:28pm   #1756
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread idea2develop

Wow. If this is me on vacation, I think I am about to go crazy. Vacation used to be when I was at my top, and that meant being carefree. That meant playing with my cousins, joking, climbing, jumping, diving, with no one saying anything other than nice things about me.

This is history now that I am older, and not a student anymore. Now I have shorter vacations and people passing judgments if they see you too carefree for your age. You can't be too cheerful or carefree: you're supposed to be an adult, to be serious, married and worried about your children. If you don't have all that, then there's something wrong with you. This is pretty much how my distant aunt feels about me.

Furthermore, even without guests or relatives bothering me, two weeks is not enough to reach happiness or even just relaxation.

So, yeah, still obsessing about the relatives, and their comments.

Systems lost about 500 dollars.

Actually more like 600 dollars.

There is one spot left, a place where there is two people at the most, and it's here:

island.jpg

Yeah. When I go there, like I did today, there's no lifeguard talking to me about the bible for an hour, there's no distant aunt judging me for not being married yet, there's no aunt recommending to me to wear sandals... there's no one there. I am alone, with whoever else i bring along, and i have to fear no one, no judgments, no one staring. That's my new favorite place, now that i've become self-conscious.

Yeah, but it's not about age. It's about getting acquainted with this place.

This is a small place, and with this comes people knowing you, and with this comes less freedom to be how you want to be. Or rather you can be however you want, but you can't expect the people who know you to agree with you, can't expect their approval.

It happened ten years ago, just the same way.

You get here, and you're new, and no one knows you and no one cares about you. Then the relatives start recognizing you, saying "hi", and talking about you, and talking to you, and pretty soon you become a "local" again, especially if you're not distracted by having guests who are often foreigners, which adds to your being an outsider. And when you become a "local", you're both perceived as a local and you perceive yourself to be one, and then you start caring about their opinions.

Ten years ago, I remember the same questions from this aunt: how old is he? What is he doing here in september? You're not supposed to be on vacation when others aren't. Jesus. You have to hear questions or be called crazy if you're not conforming to the norm, which is being on vacation when there's thousands of people here rather than just a few dozens.

Doesn't matter that she's older than me and that she may have achieved nothing in her life: if she perceives me as a failure, a misfit, or similar, I am going to care. The only way I can be free and not care, is if I don't meet her, and the way to achieve that is to avoid the beach in front of the house and go to the rocks, the little hideouts i know. And in the middle of september, you're pretty much guaranteed that you'll be alone.

But other than this, it's hard to not care, given that she's related to you, and that you meet her often. She might be a retarded bitch, but she's lived here all her life, and her father left us in his will this property where we built these houses, so we are all grateful to her father and her family in general. I could never decide to ignore her. I am living on a land that was hers.

How sad, everything. Aging, losing freedom. At 10 you can do certain things, at 20 others... almost everything at 20, then you start losing your freedoms, one by one. You're supposed to be in college at this age. Oh, at this age you're supposed to be in graduate school or working. Oh, and at this age, you're supposed to be married or at least with a woman, and if you're not, then something is wrong with you. That's how she thinks. What if instead I have planned on living forever or at least deciding my own schedule? Nope, can't do it: she's going to look down on you. And she is like most of the world, i guess, except she speaks openly about her thoughts.

There, I've almost completely forgotten the home sapiens issues, and I am now focusing on this other worry, existential problem I would even call it. There are no enemies: there's just things that my mind focuses on, and decides to call them "problems": then I start obsessing about them and keep at it for weeks. My mind has been processing hundreds of these problems, sometimes the same ones, over and over again, periodically, and other times new ones, like with homo sapiens, all the guests who came here, on and on... this journal has witnessed at least dozens of these problems being described in detail, over and over again, in these posts. These problems don't affect others just because they don't think about them: they don't have the problems because they don't think about them, but they do have the same problems, only they don't bother to think about them. Not that I can solve anything anyway, but I like to think.

These damn people... from your birth till your death, you're supposed to follow their schedule. You've got to walk when others do, marry when it's time, then even die when you're old. Anything other than following the schedule is going to disappoint quite a few people, and at the very least they will talk and criticize you, even for not dying.

The only way out that I can think of is avoiding these people. And that's why this map is so important:

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There's a spot in the map, marked by the red arrow, where all these rules do not apply, where there's no schedule nor expectations.

Although... i don't know if i should give in to these relatives and expectations and schedules either. Why can't i live in a way... in such a way that I am special and that no rules apply to me? Why can't I bend the rules. I am not saying I am demanding to be like a millionaire who marries a 18 year-old barbie girl. I am saying all I desire is to be able to not marry, to be able to swim here in the ocean, regardless of my age. To be like Burt Lancaster in the movie The Swimmer, which I always liked:



Who says that living in his fantasy world is worse than living in the real world, where you start a family, and embark on a journey full of endless trivial worries... I don't want to be a regular person, but also, i don't want regular people to be able to even judge me. They must not even see me. On the other hand, I want to be able to make friends with the good people who live immersed in society, such as the lifeguard I wrote about, the one who sees chemtrails all day long, and just wrote me an email about today's chemtrails, that I also saw. Today they really sprayed us here.

All in all, with all this thinking, with the trading that went so well, with the homo sapiens experience, with all the other reflections and experiences... this vacation was far better than the one i had last year with my highschool friends. The greatest common divisor last year was drinking beer.

I didn't relax, i worried for everyone, i paid for everyone, for the most expensive things.

This year was better. I liked it better. And probably i would have liked it better had i come alone to begin with, but I can't prove it. I would have been far more paranoid about the locals. So I am not sure if the guests weren't actually a positive influence, despite all the problems we've had.

Overall, I have pretty much decided that i won't invite anyone anymore. I owe it to the guests from this year and to the way we parted, and i owe it to my argument with the guests from last year. I owe it to the arguments with all the other friends i hosted the years before.

Until I'll decide that being with people is more important than having everything done perfectly, I should not subject any more people to psychological and verbal abuse. I don't want to hurt any more people until i'll be so intolerant and so unneedy of social interaction.

Then, whoever is desperate enough to seek my company (except homo sapiens) or interested enough in me to come all the way to meet me and put up with me, then I might make an exception. Other than that, I am taking a vow of solitude.
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Old Sep 19, 2012, 1:57pm   #1757
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread nothing going on with the systems today, so far

went for a long swim when it was raining, and then the sun came out immediately, as soon as i entered the water: this means something - don't tell me it's a coincidence. Also, now that I came back home, the clouds are back. This clearly means the gods are with me.

And also i didn't wear any sandals, as planned

swam for 2 hours, and 2 kilometers in total

to the usual whale-shaped rock

then i stood on top of it, as usual, and admired the horizon

in the meanwhile, i was also thinking about my schedule for enabling and disabling systems as capital increased/decreased, and when i came home, I put it on excel:

snap1.jpg

Yeah, a long long term plan, but it gives you a very clear idea of how i conceive the fixed fractional applied to my systems.

Of course, if all 36 systems had their maximum loss at the same time, then i'd still blow out my account, even with fixed fractional.
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Old Sep 19, 2012, 3:16pm   #1758
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Re: my journal 3

Travis...not sure if you've posted this vid, but thought your readers should watch it. In case anyone is still in doubt that 9/11 was an inside job, watch this:

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Old Sep 19, 2012, 6:44pm   #1759
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Thanks. I hadn't posted it before. Right now I am having to save on bandwidth because I am still using my internet sticks, but in a few days I'll be back from this holiday and I will watch it.

It is certainly very useful for everyone interested in 911, from what I can tell by the title and some images (without having watched it yet).

Thanks for the document.
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Old Sep 19, 2012, 9:29pm   #1760
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Life still ticking and going by. Doesn't matter if you keep healthy and good-looking. People here are going to tell you're one year older, each summer they meet you. That's what my bitch distant aunt did yesterday. I still haven't forgotten that snake's remark. Totally uncalled for.

She meant: don't play the kid, because you're not. Don't be original, because at your age you have to be serious. Don't hang out with friends, because that's not the right age. You should be married by now. She probably even means to not go for long swims, because that's not the right age to be an athlete.

In one comment by one insensitive bitch relative, I felt all at once all the pressure from all the people who must have thought this but never told me.

I am still recovering from this... peer pressure.

I went for a walk in the town, across the bridge (this small island is connected via a bridge to the mainland), and I saw the tourists. The locals aren't around any more, they all went back to their italian hometowns. In late september there's just me and some northern european tourists. And i was thinking: would my aunt be satisfied if I was married with this lady, or this other lady, and have these children? Probably, after going through all this trouble, someone would still have something to say to me, so it's not worth it.

I'm planning on marrying a porn star like charlie sheen. These hollywood stars are allowed to get away with anything. I should have been a movie star. Then this aunt bitch would have been ok with any behaviour. Of course, with that kind of money, I'd have bought this island as well, and maybe kicked her out, and then she would complain about that, all day long.

She's got a nickname for everyone. She's criticizing... always criticizing the people living in this island, including her brother. Until now I had been exempted from this criticism. Now that i've become a victim of her, this snake, I feel self-conscious.

On the other hand, it's clear that i go from obsession to obsession, and after the two evil guests left the place, I spent 24 hours peacefully, and replaced them with an evil aunt.

When I'll go back to work, I'll focus on the evil boss, the evil bitch living next door, the evil screaming child neighbour who needs an exorcism... Every day there's someone I'm hating.

Vow of solitude, if i remember correctly. It is a pleasure to me and yet it's normally considered a sacrifice. Where do I go to avoid people or at least only see them when i want to, just like i can do on the internet?

The answer is:
1) big house in big city without a job
2) any house in a deserted place without a job

But I have a job, I live in a big city, and I have neighbours. Endless contact with people i don't want to see in rome. Here on vacation, there's the beach, which is close by and very comfortable, but there, too, there's people. On the other hand, as soon as I get into the water - all my worries are gone. There's only fish and jellyfish, and even getting stung by a jellyfish bothers me less than interacting with a snake relative.

And I've decided i'll swim at any age, regardless of what the snake has in mind for me, as a plan. What does she do? Well, every summer, all summer long, she stays by the seashore talking to other aunts, ah ah... pretty funny. Her plan for me is that I should get married, and read the newspaper on the seashore and watch the children play in the water. It bothers her that i swim for miles every day, and that i don't have concerns from the family i don't have. Every year she asks how old I am, and harasses me by reminding my age. She cannot stand to see me acting the same as when I was a teenager. It bothers me a lot to hear her. It sounds as if she were reminding that I am getting older and therefore getting closer to death. I don't do it back to her, because I am sensitive. But I am planning on avoiding her from now on. Snake.

Then of course, once again, I admit that I go from obsession to obsession. Is there something to solve here? Maybe not: no matter how much I think about this, it won't go away. The same with the neighbour. She's still slamming the door after 4 years.

Maybe i should work on my own obsessing about problems I cannot solve. If there's nothing to do, I will forget about these problems. I may get up and leave when she's talking. But no point in focusing so much about her, nor about my guests. More action, less thinking. I'm good with action, too, when I decide it's time for action. Well, now it's time for action. Less obsession, more action. The two evil guests: to be avoided and no more thinking about them. Same with most of these other problems. And my friends from highschool, too: I am done with those, too. No more inviting them and no more complaining about them. All problems solved.

But maybe, even though less than others, I need problems to solve to feel alive. Maybe i'll invite more people to argue with, because being alone without problems is more unbearable than being with people and complaining about them. Solitude and boredom may be worse than conflictual relationships. Maybe that's why people get married. I'm not exactly like that, because I fill most of my time with learning, but to some degree i am not immune from this mechanism.

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Old Sep 19, 2012, 11:40pm   #1761
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Elton John - Song For Guy.mp3, eternal song

Eternity with a song, eternity with a book.. the catcher in the rye

JD Salinger, he could do anything after writing it, no one would bother him - he became a legend

I need to do something memorable, to be free from social restrictions

win a nobel prize, anything

...

but this is not going to happen, so i am really considering cutting off all links with the outside world of humans, except for when I need them, for technical discussions, such as buying food, exchanging useful information, etcetera.

basically, I should... except for my family of course and for completely pleasant people, i should get rid of all chitchat, which basically means interrupting relationships with all those who only engage in chitchat.

I should do this methodically

The thing is that i already do this in rome, but i stop doing it with relatives, and yet relatives are just as stupid and annoying as regular people

well, this will happen naturally of course, one way or another, if i live here, i will get rid of all the gossip aunts altogether - if i don't see the problem repeatedly, i might even forget about it, so this post was just idle complaining, because there's not going to be any plan to implement. It will all come naturally. Like with my boss: if he yells again, i'll solve the problem. If he doesn't, there's no problem to really address.
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Old Sep 20, 2012, 7:44am   #1762
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread I don't know what I solved last night, don't know if I can solve these problems.

I went swimming at 7 am, and just came back. The showers are getting longer and longer to compensate for the colder and colder air. The water is not that much colder. I was told it is 25 degrees celsius. I am not one of those people asking every day "how's the water?", since I know it doesn't change from one day to the next. But what changes is the outside temperature, and that in turn makes you take longer and longer showers. I remember those days when i went around the island and swam for more than 3 hours straight later during the night i was shivering in bed like when you get a fever. Then the next morning it was all gone, but it must have been from being for so long in the cold water - even 25 celsius is colder than body temperature, so it does take a toll.

I am still going over and over again the thought of being reminded how old i am by my aunt, and how that made me feel: a failure. Ok with that, but not ok with the aunt now, because whatever the situation, to tell people they're old is not a nice thing to do. So i am going over her possible motivations. Over and over again.

1) she's bothered by the fact that I've had it so easy until here, and that compared to her I seem carefree
2) she's bothered by my family, my father being a big shot - she's asked him favors before, and now that he's less powerful, she takes it out on me
3) she's not bothered and wasn't trying to criticize me, but feels it's time to tell me to act more maturely, more my age

I don't know whether to call her a bitch and avoid her like I avoid many people at work, or to think that maybe she is not out to hurt me, and... yeah, because in the past decades, she's been nice to my family. This is like the first that i hear anything unpleasant from her.

But you see, maybe it's only unpleasant because the reality is unpleasant and what hurt me is the reality of being older.

I used to be too nice, as a teenager, having learned from my mom, and judge people better than their real intentions, justifying everything they said or did to me.

Then I turned vindictive and I started interpreting everything for the worse, and that is how I am right now.

So, I do have a tendency to be touchy and take offense easily right now. I know i tend to take everything personally even if there was no intention to offend me.

That is why I am trying to compensate and checking if she really is out to hurt me or if I am just being overly sensitive.

Another question is if it's convenient for me to get offended the way i usually do, and sever all links with her.

Is it convenient to do so? Nope, she controls the island basically. Bitch.

We inherited this land from her father.

But then again... I am pretty good at manipulating people into respecting me.

This is what I do: I play offended way more than I am offended, I blow things out of proportion, make sure they remember they offended me, and next time they'll think about it twice before speaking. It's easy: I don't speak to them for months. I avoid them. Then they learn.

The thing is that with relatives, I never had to do it. But so, if relatives never made this necessary, then it means they "love" me, so to speak. So they either stopped... she either stopped loving me, or she felt this thing was a loving thing to do: telling me to act more my age.

Ok, let's face the problem.

I have an original attitude.

I disregard the social norms.

I act like I'm special, and I can do anything I want.

And now - according to her, probably - it's like a wake up call: it's time to conform. You can't have these original behaviours anymore.

Like what? Like... I invited these two guests, and didn't speak to them for the last two days. Yup. Childish. Then telling about it as if it was a funny experience. That was childish.

Ok, I understand.

My cousin, who's 22, can do this. And I can't do it anymore.

Ok, ok. Fine.

I can't screw up anymore and invite the wrong guests, or at least I have to pretend that I didn't screw up and can't laugh about having screwed up. I guess this is what she's saying - if it was a good intention that motivated her telling me.

But who says that I can't do this? Social norms. I am not in touch with this crap, never have been. Or maybe i am. Ok, I shave when i go to work. I take a shower. This is all about social norms.

So, where do i stop following them?

I follow them at work? Not completely. I try to not say "hi" to all the bosses, when I cross them in the hallway, because i don't like them. I try not to kiss up to these people, by playing "the loner". It's not that I am not talkative, but i pretend not to be, so they think I'm shy and they let me get away with avoiding them. The truth is that I despise all these people. And other than that I am very talkative. But I am shy with the people i despise.

So, at work, I follow half of the social norms. But I know the norms - at least they're a distant memory, even when I haven't followed them for years.

Whereas at home and with my relatives, and friends, I follow the norms even less.

And maybe this aunt is one who - she has a lot of time for chichat, for sure - and she is one who follows the norms.

And the norms, while not at work, are that you get married and act serious. Concerned about your children. What if you don't have children and aren't married? Then you have the same responsibilities as a student, so can you act like a teenager because your lifestyle and your worries are the same?

It seems that according to these people you can't do it. You have to act like you've got serious concerns, such as getting home in time for meals, taking your child to school, picking the child up from school, taking the child to the gym, driving your wife... all crap that i don't do, and that makes adults stop swimming... like those movies that i did last year: i showed them to her and she said something like "i see an adult man acting like a kid". I was excited about those movies and she acted like they were no big deal, and all my excitement was misplaced.

What was she doing at my age and now while I am making underwater movies?

She sits at the beach in the sun, talking to my other aunts, watching children play or even not watching any children anymore, but still there, doing the chitchat.

So, besides all those father activities, what she has in mind for me is sitting at the beach monitoring some child that I don't have, and talking to a wife that i don't have, developing a skin tumor like her.

Summary of this is as follows: if I want to lead an alternative lifestyle, i need the money that will allow me to buy a house not in front of a beach, but in front of the whale-shaped rock, where there aren't people chicchatting, nor any people at all. Or, if I can't afford that, I either change my lifestyle to suit their expectations, or I stop caring about their judgment, or I stop hearing their judgment by not talking to them. The other alternative was not growing up and stopping time, because at 20 you can really do anything you want, and people will be ok with it. Well, they might still talk, but I don't remember what i was thinking at 20 about these people, maybe i wasn't caring, or maybe I was just as offended about judgments and now i don't remember.

It seems that everything would be much easier without people, or if people didn't talk.

Anyway, i've been just venting out some frustrations. I'm ok if all these words only achieve the purpose of venting out some frustration, as if i were complaining to someone. It is not an essay on anything. Just regular complaining.

...

Losing close to 1000 dollars on the systems. Capital is now back at 10k.

Trying to go back to sleep, after that swim and having slept only 6 hours.

When you age, you are worth less. This is what I take from my aunt. You have fewer options. You should invest some capital in your children and that way you compensate and you with your children are worth even more than you were worth alone. It's as if a person at 10 is worth 70% of a person, a person at 20 is worth 100% and then it starts decreasing. It parallels physical strength.

But then things change also according to money and many other things.

There's a bunch of equations into this bigger equation.

There's physical strength, mental strength, financial strength... all these things come together and determine how much you're respected/liked and how people interact with you.

And basically I was disrespected by being told something like "you don't have the status to act like this", "you're not rich enough, successful enough, young enough... to act like this". Maybe if i had been richer or more successful in any other way, she would have felt i could act any way i wanted. And if I had been unemployed, she would have told me this thing to act my age even sooner.

Or maybe it's about another field where I am showing weakness. Whatever it is, I know she wouldn't have told everyone else, what she told me. So I am resentful, because I am taking it personally. She perceived something wrong in my behaviour and she didn't respect me enough to keep quiet. Two things that are a problem: 1) her perception 2) her telling me.

I am offended but not in the sense of going to her and telling her "please don't tell me these things". I am disappointed at me for letting this happen, for not having been aware of the situation, and not having avoided this situation, such as being with someone who doesn't respect me enough. Or letting someone who doesn't respect me get so close to me. Even my posture and expression are usually enough to not have these things happen. But there could have been many more things that I could have done: left the room, left the house... I am disappointed that I didn't see this coming. Disappointed for not having been aware of the world around me.
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Old Sep 20, 2012, 11:16am   #1763
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread This "act your age" thing is still bothering me. I've slept those two hours I was missing but now I am still depressed and don't feel like doing anything.

I wonder how long it will take me to recover and if then i will be "act your age-proof" or if it'll get me down again, if anyone will be so mean to tell me that again.

According to this philosophy I am past the age of being carefree, original, individualistic, and I am now into an age of seriousness, sacrifice for my family, responsibility. It's like saying that I am not allowed to have the mindset of a child but only that of the parent - even though I am not a parent. Of course this is just the opinion of one person against mine, but the reason it bothers me is that it's also the opinion of society in general. According to social norms, at least here in Italy, there's an age when we're children, an intermediate age when we can be either, and then there's an age when you're supposed to be a parent, or an adult, and therefore you have to talk a certain way and act a certain way. The problem is that I don't know exactly what I've done to break these rules, but this aunt has been bugging me for years with this concept, and only this time overtly, but some things she said before made me sense this years ago, that she was the most outspoken critic of an alleged difference between my age and my behaviour.

I thought that on vacation, among relatives, I could be relaxed and open. I saw her father die. The whole crying business of all the relatives. We're close enough, even if she is only the daughter of my grandfather's cousin. Either she thought i urgently needed to be told to act my age, or I was wrong in my assumption that i can rely on relatives to not hurt me.

It could be that these aunts i relied on are actually a bunch of gossiping bitches. And that I should avoid them.

Or it could be that I am blatantly not acting my age, that i am acting childishly, and that I need to change that, or i'll be hearing this more and more frequently. Or, just as bad, i'll be ridiculed behind my back - which would be the proof I am doing something wrong, because i certainly do not want that to happen, whether they're right or wrong in laughing at me.

Is she just the tip of the iceberg? The reason I'm worrying is that I sense she might be the tip of iceberg and that there's a lot of people thinking that I am not acting my age. I wouldn't want to be derided, so I'd change any behaviours that might cause that. On the other hand, it's not like I'll stop going down to the beach and swimming miles, because people my age are supposed to have beer bellies and look after their children. So, all in all, I am willing to deprive myself of some useless activities such as joking around with these gossiping bitches, but I am not going to renounce useful habits such as swimming for hours every day, or being excited about learning, and being as curious as a teenager should be.

In other words, I may change my attitude when talking to these idiots, but I am not going to speed up my physical and intellectual death to conform to social norms.
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Old Sep 20, 2012, 3:53pm   #1764
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Yeah... just came back from my hideout in the rocks:

island.jpg

No one there today, except me and my mom.

Yep. I'm finally getting over the "act your age" lecture from my gossiping aunt.

But it's taken its toll, because up to the moment she told me i was old, I would have swum my way back here, whereas, since she told me I am old, i decided to walk back.

A self-fulfilling prophecy.

You act old and become weak because others tell you should be getting weaker by now. I might even grow a belly now, because it's improper not to have some belly at my age.

Gossiping bitch.

The systems are recovering from the losses of this morning. I might end the day at breakeven. It kind of sucks. To be depressed and losing from the systems. But at least i didn't engage in discretionary trading trying to make it back.

I am already thinking of my next guest victim. Yeah, because i don't drive, so if I want to come back, i need another guest. And i want to come back in the coming weekends.

There's my roommate who wanted to come. But not with his family, so he'll probably say no. There's another colleague, too.

If it doesn't work out with anyone, I'll go to another city, to visit my relatives, and swim there.

But first i need to make sure we've got some money to spend, which i need to get from the markets. Because otherwise i should be saving. So, we might come here in november, which is still swimmable. And the advantage is that there will be no one else.

Anyway, getting over the "act your age" thing, and on top of it, now I know who are the bitches to avoid. So I'm arguably stronger than before, or rather, more knowledgeable, in the sense, that I won't be listening to any more **** from that gossiping bitch.

Plus now i'm stronger because i'm desperate. Since i'm getting older and pretty soon I won't be able to swim anymore, I should enjoy swimming while I can. Soon i'll have to join the gossiping bitches at the beach, read newspapers, and walk into the water only up to my knees, and complain that it's cold and come back to the gossiping bitches, and get busy developing skin tumors, lying in the sun all day long. So I can even look older than i am.
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Old Sep 20, 2012, 7:38pm   #1765
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Lisa Ono - Dans mon ile\12 Derniere Valse.mp3

Yep. Went to the supermarket with my mom, and bought some groceries.

The systems have recovered all their losses from this morning. Capital at about 11k. But still over an hour to go.

Lisa_Ono\Soul & Bossa - 2007\08 Nada Mais Lately.mp3

Yep. Still pretty depressed about myself and people's comments on me.

I am not a rockstar, not a movie star, so i have to put up with such comments.

Then mosquitoes.

Lots of mosquito bites lately.

This afternoon at about 6 pm, it was nice: no one else in the water but me. A lot of wind and waves.

No one on the beach either, maybe 3 people at the most. No lifeguard. Good, I didn't have to talk about the bible.

The water is cold, but it compensates for the mosquito bites, so I don't mind. They keep me warm.

I invited my roommate at work to come here, because i need a ride and he wanted to come, but he won't come without his family, so I told him he can't come, because it gets too complicated. He was coming to give me a ride, and I told him i argued with all the previous guests. So now I am out of guests.

I'm going to write to another colleague, who's pretty tidy.

...

Yeah, I wrote to him. Still depressed though.

There's no excitement in me any longer. All of a sudden I feel old. Because of the bitch, the gossiping aunt, and the way she told me. At this age, I cannot argue with my guests and lock myself in the house for two days. It seems like a very low blow. How many things won't I be able to do now that I've been told i am old? It seems a really sad situation all of a sudden.

I don't know how long it'll take me to recover from this blow. I think I look great, healthy and muscular, but I am still sad. I guess this would work with anyone, because everyone can be shamed into feeling old for something, for not getting laid, for not graduating, for not finding a job... anyone can be shamed about something. But it takes a real bitch to do so. And this bitch is my aunt... i wish her death. I hope she dies within... a week. Only her death will avenge me. I'll come back next weekend, just in time for her funeral. Only her death will avenge me. I want the other aunt dead, too, but a week later, so I can go to both funerals.

Mina - Contigo en la distancia.mp3

I sing and i write, alternating one another.

Lisa_Ono\2001 - Bossa Hula Nova - Jazz\09-Poliahu.MP3

I am hoping for some good news from my systems, so to uplift my mood.

You know, if i had the money to live here, thanks to my trading, I could easily deal with any worry. So easily. I don't care what others may say about me living here. They're working, I am not. That's what would matter. You're working, and I am not. That's the deal. That's how I win over you. Oh yeah. And actually those two aunts will be dead anyway.

Let's check what the systems are doing. Last time I checked they were making the 500 they lost this morning.

... Yeah, same. And capital at about 11k.

Mood still depressed.

Lisa_Ono\Pretty_World\Lisa Ono - I Wish You Love.mp3

She wishes me love, she wishes me well. That's good, I am in safe hands.

Lisa Ono - Dans mon ile\05 J' Ai Vu.mp3

This one is good and it represents my mood. From depressed to a little better, but still sad. Sad and depressed but not dead, and still reasoning better than everyone else.
Quote:
J'ai cru
Etre au bout de l'aventure
Mais mon cúur lui me murmure
Qu'il y a tant de rÍves ŗ vivre encore.
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Old Sep 20, 2012, 9:55pm   #1766
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Day is over. Didn't lose anything today. If it ends like this, the week was not profitable, if i remember correctly. All the money was made last week, or until monday at the most.

Still. Without discretionary trading, I've been able to keep my capital for a week, despite some losses. No anger, no fighting back, and the capital is still here.

Tomorrow it's friday. Usually nothing big happens, but we'll see.

Still depressed about the usual things.

I am not sure but this might be the first vacation that i am depressed. I also do not have any guests. I think in the previous years, I was too busy and upset at the guests to be depressed.

What's good though is that everyone says that on vacation you get depressed, when you don't have things to do, and that you can't stay on vacation for too long, so I'd be normal for once. The fact is that I wouldn't be bored and depressed usually. This is just transitory.

And in fact, I'd be feeling great if i were on vacation all year long. Far from complaining about a situation like that.

We will see how it will all evolve. This is the point of this journal. I could make money, it could all work out. Or it could work out and still be depressed. I could write a post before committing suicide, or I could drown accidentally and not write one final post.

Certainly I am not having much fun right now, except for staying fit by swimming a lot. I am better off than at the bank, though and i have no doubts about that.

So, let's state it clearly: vacation is better than being at work.

Would I have fun with my aunt, if she invited me to dinner at her house? Who knows? She only invited us the time she had to ask my father a favour. Now she hates the secretary, because that favour didn't go through. She's a local, so everything is in her hands. She knows everyone. Still, if I lived here, I could ignore her.

I might come here every weekend if trading goes well. And then I might die in a plane crash.

For the past two weeks I've been seeing a lot of chemtrails in the sky. I wonder why they're spraying us. It's not for weather manipulation, so why? Just for polluting the fields and forcing Monsanto's GMO seeds on us?

Anyway. I'm still here. Don't know for how long, but right now I am very healthy, and still here. And very intelligent.

I feel very intelligent right now.

Still here. Not happy, but still here.

Still here.

Still here.

To record the changes in my life and in my mind. Still here to record the graph of my happiness, depression, and whatever crosses my mind.
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Old Sep 21, 2012, 12:13am   #1767
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Still thinking about these "you're too old to do this" issues.

Ok, maybe I've identified one concrete problem.

All these years I've been swimming to this rock in the middle of the bay:

island.jpg

Well, it's not in the middle of the bay, but you get my point: it looks far, from the beach.

Then, once i get to it, in about 3 or 4 minutes of swimming, I sit on the little rock that slightly emerges from the water.

I guess what she's doing when each year she reminds me my age is saying "you could do this when you were 20 and still were eccentric, but now you look ridiculous".

Ok, so the point is that I cannot play in the water and in the waves after ceasing to be a youngster.

I guess I can still swim, but seriously, and without doing anything eccentric, such as sitting on my favorite rock.

Jesus. This really sucks but she may be right. The whole problem arises from the fact that there's a whole beach of gossiping idiots in front of that rock, and similar situations.

Not that anyone could even see me, or know my age from such a distance, but she's probably the one who's bothered by it, because she's the only one aware of it, together with another two or three gossiping bitches.

I don't understand why she's so bothered by it. It's not like my mom or my dad ever told me anything about this. She didn't either, but along the years, i can sense that she's been bothered by my behaviour at "her" island, where she lived her whole life.

If I were sure that she's doing it for my own good, then I'd think "damn, thanks, and how stupid of me to look so ridiculous", but I am not sure of it. I mean, what is she doing instead? Lying in the sun all day long. Is this good for anyone? Should i rely on her to recommend what's right for me?

She might be in good faith, and I may look ridiculous, especially to the locals, but for sure, whatever she'd recommend for me and my age would not be the right thing, because she's doing anything but the right thing. If the right thing for a person is to lie in the sun all day long and gossip, then the right thing for a youngster is to dive from cliffs, and risk their lives, and the right thing for an 80 year old man is to die, and so on. I mean, ok. I'll keep in mind to not do anything eccentric. But I will keep breaking the rules in order to keep myself healthy and swim wherever i can, regardless of any age i reach.

I had forgotten about people's opinion back when i was in highschool and they made me stay back a year. Since then i've stopped caring, realizing how stupid my professors were (I wouldn't conform to the wrong rules of indoctrination, and they failed me). Now I am being forced to care again, because I don't want to look ridiculous, but I find the rules just as stupid as when i was in highschool.

Or maybe, I am slightly an exhibitionist, not exhibiting naked body parts but physical prowess. And I guess i could cut down on it a little bit. I mean, yeah: as a teenager reaching that rock was a feat, and now it's not even a feat to me anymore, because i've swum around the whole island.

Damn. Yeah. I remember other instances that I keep doing since i was a child and that I've got to stop. Swimming underwater is another one. That is just exhibitionism of physical prowess. There's no point in doing it in front of everyone. And yet i do that, too. Even as a teenager you're going to be a show-off if you do that. So I realize that i should stop that, too.

I guess she's referring to those things, even though she didn't mention them. I guess if this were my own island and there was just my wife looking at me, i could do anything i want. But like this, it might be ridiculous. Yep. I get it. I've taken plenty of tests already that told me i fit the profile of the narcissist. This is just one more confirmation.

My father is probably one, too, and basically he shows off his physical prowess, too, by going for long swims. Jesus. What a family. Yet she doesn't tell him anything, because she might have to ask him for favors in the future, like she did in the past. Also, my father doesn't climb and sit on that rock.

I guess i understand them. You want to be weird (in a healthy way)? Own a boat and go elsewhere to do your swimming and don't act weird by being healthy in front of the whole beach. But the thing is that owning a boat is complicated, a pain in the ass, expensive first of all, and we neither own a boat nor have a private beach, goddamn it. So we have to put up with all this crap from the locals. Of course i am the only sensitive to this, who cares, and it's only because my guests have left - otherwise i'd be too busy arguing with them.

Anyway, now it's beautiful because it's too cold for the locals to swim or be at the beach, so basically it's all to myself and I am taking advantage of it. It's not even cold, but they think it's cold, because the temperature outside is cold, so they say "the water is freezing!". In reality the water has almost the same temperature as in august (imperceptible difference). But since they don't even spend much time in the water, their reasoning is: 1) outside it's freezing, 2) water is freezing (when they're wet and stay outside it's freezing to them), therefore let's not go to the beach. Idiots. But this is great because it gives me a chance to swim in peace.

Still sleepless at 1.30 am, always focusing on these issues. Yeah. Yep. That's me.

I have plenty of free time to think about this stuff.

The reason is that I didn't get married, which practically ends your life, because from that moment on, your brain is busy processing family information/problems. I ain't putting my brain to sleep yet. It's going to take one beautiful woman begging me to do it. It hasn't happened so i haven't done it. And as a consequence i didn't join the sheeple, and I still keep my mental skills.

...

Still sleepless.

It's going to take a little longer to fall asleep. I may go on facebook for a bit. I opened an account just focusing on the truth movement, with all its ramifications: medical, financial, political, military, etcetera.
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Old Sep 21, 2012, 2:18pm   #1768
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Yeah, up on the mountain. Beautiful view, i can see the island from here.

No trades from the systems.

Getting over the "you're too old for that". Talked to another aunt, who confirmed my take on the gossiping bitches: she spoke of "beach mentality" or something similar. They're sitting there all day long, have nothing to do, and start bothering the neighbours, the relatives, and form a gang of gossiping bitches. I should simply stay away from them in the future.

[...]

Two hours later, still on the mountain, now 300 meters higher.

One internet stick doesn't have any reception, despite being surrounded by all these antennas. The other one works perfectly.

Still no trades whatsoever by the systems. As i said, on Friday the trades are very few (none from the systems I'm trading).

I wouldn't say I am having fun, but I'm not having too many worries. When I spent vacations with guests, there was never any time to relax and I had to worry about all the schedules, accomodations and so on. Now I am typing this in the sun, leaning with my back on a granite rock, with a lunar panorama in front of me. No human traces except for the antennas. No sounds except the wind.

When i came up here with my friends from highschool, we'd take two hours to get here, and two hours to get back, but only spend here 15 minutes, looking at the scenery from the road, and then we'd leave. And i'd have to worry about finding the way back, too. Not worth it.
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Old Sep 21, 2012, 7:21pm   #1769
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Back from the mountains. No trades from the systems today. Very boring. Still struggling with finding my place in a changing world, a changing person in a changing world.
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Old Sep 21, 2012, 9:33pm   #1770
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread One trade did take place, but it lost a few dollars.

Hunted on vacation at the island, hunted at work... no idea how this will end. Hopefully something good and new will come along - maybe from within myself, maybe from trading, maybe both. Don't know how long i can keep this up. Very unsatisfactory life in general. Vacation sucks, work sucks... can't bear it much longer. Can't bear an environment with crappy coworkers, awful boss, and even crappy relatives on vacation. Something has to change or I'll end up lowering my standards. Maybe i've been raising my standards and expectations for too long. Or maybe i'll come up with something to improve my life.

You know what i mean, it's the usual reasoning: change what you can change and accept what you can't change. The usual thing of changing what surrounds you or changing yourself and your attitude. I mean, even some people in auschwitz made it out alive, so eventually i'll find a way.
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