my journal 3

This is a discussion on my journal 3 within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; It is really a fascinating topic on which few of us ever consciously focus. My problem of compulsive gambling is ...

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Old Jun 22, 2012, 8:01am   #873
 
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On self-control, id-ego-superego

Yamato started this thread It is really a fascinating topic on which few of us ever consciously focus.

My problem of compulsive gambling is related to self-control, and if you will, the personality could be divided, as Freud, said in these three parts: id, ego and superego. From what I understood after reading something on wikipedia yesterday:

1) id is about the instincts
2) ego is about the reasoning on the future impact of instincts and an effort to achieve a balance of egg today and chicken tomorrow
3) superego is about morals and what we do for the world

It may be partly wrong, but I have to move on and for what I need it, I am done with this representation of the forces in one's personality.

I have no problems with the superego and morals. I am much above average as far as morals. So I am only going to be concerned in the fight between id and ego, which is where I am very weak. I lack in self-control, especially where it hurts me (not the others, where superego is at play). This may be due to the very rigid education I received, and therefore, being so exhausted from the superego, all the fuel went into behaving properly for society, and I had not fuel left to power the ego, in its fight with the id. But this may apply to many other people other than me. Let's not focus on superego from here on. But just on ego vs id, which could also be defined as "self-control" in restraining what we want to do now, instinctively, but is not good for our future (and superego could be defined as "not good for society").

Now another question is relevant: is ego and its "self-control" function a resource 1) like oil that gets depleted, 2) like muscles that could be strengthened but only up to a point, or 3) like knowledge, that could be accumulated (virtually) endlessly?

An early exercise in restraining our impulses and instincts is what we get through education. I don't know what kind of self-control that is, because it is imposed by parents. But it is certainly related to self-control.

For example, there's people all around me here at the office who are whistling, littering, and other rude things, and these are all things that I do not do. Is this an exercise in self-control ordered by the ego or superego?

You see these same people may have no problem with compulsive gambling, so I am thinking that maybe I am using up all my self-control resources in respecting others (if they do get depleted) and I have none left once I get home and I am faced with the urge to trade.

Could that be? Could it be that I am rewarding myself for good behavior throughout the day at the office, with reckless unrestrained behavior once I get home?

Whatever it is, I can't change my good behavior now. I don't think that's a good idea, because I also benefit from it.

So the question is indeed this: what behaviors benefit me in the long term and how strong am I in implementing them and in discarding behaviors that do not benefit me?

Let's start with a list of apparently useless (but I don't know what instincts are behind them) behaviors and let's analyze how much I engage in these behaviors and assess and verify how much I could refrain from them.

1) complaining: apparently useless. In reality I feel a need for it, but I don't know why exactly. I know it makes me feel good. But it is useless and it could hurt me if the person I complain about finds out.

2) scratching my head or nose. Apparently a waste of time, but once again I feel an urge to do it. Can it be stopped without side-effects? Would the energy spent in stopping this behavior lack in other useful areas?

3) obviously, the most important one is compulsive gambling, which is why I am still at the office and not retired yet. This is by far the clearest example of how I hurt myself by satisfying my need for action. Again, I don't know exactly why I feel the need for this type of action, but the damage is clear.

4) slouching: it's not good for me, but I feel more comfortable doing it.

5) eating snacks: not good, but i feel like doing it

6) drinking beer: not good, but i feel like doing it (once a month - I am not an alcoholic)

7) eating unhealthy food: i don't buy it but if I find it at home, I can't keep myself from eating it

8) taking the cab to work and from work: very expensive, but I do it, because it's more comfortable (and "comfortable" in turn means many other things of which some I can't describe)

The list could go on for one hundred lines, and I will later create an excel file with everything I can think of, so I will analyze my day and see if I can increase my self-control and how I could go about it.

Once again, the thing I want to test by monitoring my self-control is if:
1) self-control can build up like a muscle (up to a point)
2) self-control can build up like knowledge (virtually unlimited)
3) self-control is limited and gets depleted

Indeed it could be that you cannot just deny yourself every single instinct and urge you have. It might even be that if you do so, you will take it out on something else or someone else. It makes me think of sleep-deprivation and those other torture methods I have read about.

This (point #3) would also explain why I am so weak at self-control especially in being prone to compulsive gambling. I feel my parents have forced an awful amount of education and self-restraint and religious beliefs on me, and my lack of self-restraint as far as compulsive gambling might be a way for me to say "the hell with you" or "finally an area where no one can criticize me: I'll indulge in this, at will".

There's so many things ("education" and "politeness" and "learning" and "culture") that my parents forced on me up to the age of twenty, many more than on the average person, that I might be relieving all the stress and indulging in all the freedom through compulsive gambling.

I've narrowed it down a lot, because initially I thought compulsive gambling could be coming from self-sabotage, unwillingness to make money, guilt for making money (from my parents concept of work, and trading as something immoral), but now I am deciding that this is very related to eating binges... and therefore the long list of long-term damage that could be addressed by self-control.

In other words, I am now finally deciding to focus on my discretionary trading as a problem of compulsive gambling (which is not granted), and my compulsive gambling as a problem of self-control (which is also not granted).

In this sense, compulsive gambling is simply one item of a long list of things that bring you pleasure now and damage later, and if I can learn to control the others, I can also learn to control compulsive gambling.

So let's keep on building that list. I will then try to test my self-control and see if it's like oil and it gets depleted or if it can be increased and up to which point.

9) scratching myself when I feel itchy - this doesn't cause any damage (but still a waste of time), but it could still be stopped via self-control and it would not cause damage if I stopped scratching myself.

I will keep writing this list on excel. Ideally I should draft a list of about 50 behaviors to monitor.

Once the list is finished, I can see already two ways to go about it:

1) seeing how much time i can go on refraining from all 50 behaviors (scratching, complaining, slouching, etc.) and seeing if I can increase, day after day, that time

2) seeing if I can make myself stop those behaviors one at a time. For example, I've stopped biting my fingernails a long time ago. I wonder though if this was replaced by compulsive gambling. If it is so, then this would mean that it is indeed a finite resource and if you stop your urges in one field they will resurface in another field.

A problem I have is to find an effective and quick way of monitoring these behaviors because I don't want to start doing something that will take me so long that I will stop after two days. Ideally I shouldn't even have to write anything down.

Another thing to test is if I can obtain anything via aversion therapy, such as by snapping an elastic band on my wrist each time I do something on that list of useless (waste of time) or harmful behaviors. I would not group them as "compulsive behaviors" because it might be misleading. We couldn't call slouching a "compulsive behavior". However, the majority of these behaviors could be correctly identified as "compulsive".

Another one is taking the cab. That is not at all a compulsive behavior, but I am putting it on a list of behaviors that could be avoided with will power and could bring long term benefits. Obviously if you're a businessman and you have a meeting this would not apply because you would get long term benefits by taking the cab. If instead you have no rush to get anywhere and taking the cab makes you spend money without bringing you any long term benefits, then this, too, is an area where self-control can benefit you, by postponing self-gratification for a longer term goal.

Here's what I've written on excel so far:

complaining
scratching
gambling
slouching
eating
drinking
taking cab
talking

Yes, because talking, too, is something of an urge that in some cases will bring us no benefits. For example, we feel uncomfortable and we talk: but what are we changing really? Nothing. I am in a cab, I feel uncomfortable about the silence and I start a conversation: no gain for anyone involved most of the time. Or when you feel bored, and you make a phone call. That could be avoided, too. We know very well that not all our phone calls are motivated by an exchange of information that will benefit either party.

Crossing your legs, I just added. Even crossing your legs is something that I can't explain but that responds to some apparently useless urge. It will not bring me any benefit in the long term, but I nonetheless feel like doing it, because, like compulsive gambling, there's something within me that needs it.

But then, would it not be wrong, to deny yourself things that you apparently need? The problem in answering is that I do not know what I need all these things for. I do not know why I need: compulsive gambling, scratching my nose/head, eating snacks, calling someone when I have nothing to say/listen to.

Apparently, if I stopped all these behaviors, there would be no damage. At the same time, it is clear that something in me is constantly urging me to do these things.

I must be careful not to mix with this category those behaviors such as adjusting yourself in the chair, or changing position every once in a while. That is almost as necessary as breathing. There's a fine line between these two categories. Scratching: if you don't do it, you're not going to cause damage to yourself - i don't think so. That is why you can sleep. Otherwise you'd have to stay awake to scratch yourself. On the other hand, adjusting your position on the chair may be useful in blood flow and similar. All right, I'll get back to working on that list.

This morning I noticed another urge. As I was getting dressed, I noticed that I was walking and that I always walk around, while buttoning my shirt. Does this bring any benefit? Is it telling me that my body wants and needs to move? What if I sat still? Would it make any difference? Would I develop an ulcer? Who knows. I am going to call this "walking around" and I am going to assume it is just like scratching, useless, and that it's a good exercise in self-control.

The list now:

complaining
scratching
gambling
slouching
eating
drinking
taking cabs
talking
crossing your legs
walking around

Let's not forget that I am writing this list not to just monitor myself but to ultimately find ways to practice and increase self-control. Because I am directly linking my compulsive gambling to a problem of self-control.

I just added "hating". Hating is a waste of time at the very least. Let's say you hear noise from the neighbors, whether at the office or at home. The noise bothers you, out of education you don't go and tell them to be quiet, and you start hating: you think they're stupid, you think they're rude, and so on. And you keep thinking about how rude they are, how much you'd like to kill them, and so on. In turn this leads to complaining, which is another waste of time. The thing to do is to either make them stop or not think about it. Everything in between is at least a waste of time.

I am going to add a column, titled "essential damage", to describe what the essential damage caused by a given behavior. For example, for "scratching" I am not going to worry about the minor damage to hair that scratching my head does, but I'll focus on the fact that sometimes I go on scratching my head for several minutes, during which I stop working.

This is what I have so far:

complaining - time
scratching - time
gambling - money
slouching - health
eating - health
drinking - health
taking cabs - money
talking - time
crossing your legs - health
walking around - time
hating - time

I will probably end up with only 20 of these categories rather than 50 as I expected. While I was writing this post, I noticed myself engaging in:

scratching
hating (the neighbors for talking, laughing)

I haven't done anything else. I noticed also that I am relaxed now that I am monitoring myself. For example, sometimes when my colleague is here (today he didn't come) I feel stressed out, because this guy is restless, and my face gets tense... I don't know how to define this in English. I feel like biting my lips or similar. Basically my face is not relaxed. I have a forced grin/smile, because he's usually saying something stupid to interact with me. Well, obviously, being with him in the room is not the same as being in the room alone. Now I am totally focused and almost totally relaxed.

I am going to add "showing off". Sooner or later, now and then, we all feel like showing off something. This is a waste of time at least. I don't know why we feel the need for it, but it is likely to even be harmful, as it certainly doesn't make feel the other person more comfortable. But showing off... I will categorize it as damage done to reputation, rather than a waste of time. Because it is just one small sentence that will carry potential negative consequences for months if not years. Imagine something as stupid and childish as "I am better looking than you are", "smarter", "richer"... or any action that stresses it out.

All this work for what? I won't be ready to trade again until I'll be in control of myself. If I cannot refrain from scratching my head, from eating sweets which I find i the refrigerator (I don't buy them), from complaining.. then I won't be ready to stop compulsive gambling either. I need to find out if I can build up some self-control muscles. And my gym cannot be my trading account again, because it's too expensive and because it never works. I just keep on blowing it out in the process. The gym is going to be my daily life, for two reasons: 1) it's cheaper and 2) I will benefit from it.

The main thing I am thinking of is these four kilos that I've had for the last few years which I never managed to lose.

I will keep adding to the last in the next few days. For now I'll stop here.
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Last edited by Yamato; Jun 22, 2012 at 9:56am.
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Old Jun 22, 2012, 10:15am   #874
 
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more on aversion therapy

Yamato started this thread Aversion Therapy for Beating a Craving
Quote:
Aversion therapy became popular a long time ago. It works on the premise that if pain associated with a certain action is greater than the pleasure associated with a certain action, you will stop doing this action.

So, try this:

Place a rubber band large enough to fit loosely (so it's not cutting off your circulation) around your wrist. Now, every time you have a food craving for something that you know you don't need, simply snap the rubber band hard enough to hurt (obviously not hard enough to bruise or damage your skin.

This action will stop the craving immediately!
I've been thinking about this. This could very well be a placebo. If you think it works, it works because you believe in it. Nonetheless, whatever it is, I am going to try it in the next few days, to deal with the mentioned list of harmful urges. The most important point about the above quote is this: "It works on the premise that if pain associated with a certain action is greater than the pleasure associated with a certain action, you will stop doing this action".

This would imply it is not a placebo but also that I have to snap the rubber band much harder depending what urge I am addressing. For example, let's classify these urges according to their strength.

First of all I want to get rid of "taking cabs" because it's simply not an urge. It's too unrelated to these things. Taking cabs is comfortable, effective and not at all an irrational urge such as scratching my head or compulsive gambling. It would be misleading to keep it in the list.

It seems that the urges cannot be classified by the strength of the compulsion because every time I give in they're at the highest level. So I could either classify them by how frequent they are or by how long I was ever able to stop engaging in these behaviors.

For example, if you asked me how strong is the urge to bite your fingernails, I'd say "zero", because I've stopped for over a decade.

Let's analyze different urges and see how they would be rated:

1) compulsive gambling
longest period without it, but with trading account available: two months (excluding the trading with the investors where I never touched anything, but it's not the same thing).
frequency (when doing it): daily

2) scratching head
longest period without it: two months
frequency: daily, several times a day

3) complaining
longest period without it: can't remember
frequency: daily

It seems to me that the frequency is almost useless and I should just focus on the max time without as a measure of intensity of the urge. According to this measure, the urge to complain is even stronger than the urge to gamble.

I also got rid of "drinking", because I never had a drinking problem. I want to narrow it down to just the things that are an urge to me to the point of being a problem. It's very strange to me that I don't develop an addiction for things for which people usually do, but I do for compulsive gambling (trading). I don't have a problem with drinking or smoking, and I can smoke or drink any time I want to, without getting addicted.

Anyway. The list will keep on being populated in the next few days, as I'll keep focusing on myself and my urges wherever I will be.

Speaking of population, in the meanwhile, a colleague walked into my room and I showed him the FEMA camps and coffins and stumbled across a pretty good article and impressive picture:
Fema Coffins: Why So Many? | Evil Music Industry

fema-coffins.jpg

It's happening soon and it's happening in theaters near you. I am expecting a civil war or similar within the next 6 months. I wonder if the world will be hit by peak oil or by the next engineered civil unrest first. Or if the two things will happen at once. I wonder if the markets will still exist after this happen. I wonder if the internet will still be around six months from now.

There will be some sort of war in the next six months, whether nuclear or caused by peak oil. Something is happening very soon. My prediction? They're going to do a false-flag nuclear attack on the US and blame it on Iran.
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Last edited by Yamato; Jun 22, 2012 at 11:56am.
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Old Jun 22, 2012, 1:13pm   #875
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread More thinking.

In the last few days I noticed that as soon as I connect to this forum, my overall internet connection starts having problems: it's an Italian ISP, but in the past this same Italian ISP provider is known to have had interaction with the secret services and even the CIA:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SISMI-Telecom_scandal

And if it's happened a few years ago, I am sure it's still going on, especially since the USA as a police state is becoming more and more of a reality.

Even though I may be paranoid and I didn't test it extensively, out of laziness, I will stop posting from home, because I don't want to take any risks, and I have a feeling that the CIA has a reach even in Italy, and they might not like all my posts on 911 and other truths and facts about what's going on in the US (and has been going on for decades).

So this is my last post for the week, because I don't want to get disconnected at home by posting here.

Here's my last reflection. I noticed that as soon as my boss left the room (he was stressed out about something) I received his stress and I noticed that I had almost immediately crossed my legs. I guess this could apply to the rest of my list: all those behaviors might be a consequence of stress. And where did I receive a lot of stress in my life? At home, while interacting with my father. Even if he never told you a word, his face and body posture would transfer stress to you. Let alone the decades he spent actively stressing me out, with his words and tone. So this compulsive gambling of mine and all the other compulsive behaviors are probably a direct consequence of all the stress my father has given me all my life. In fact, I also noticed an increase in my gambling after having a rough day at the office.

I need to monitor the relationship between stress and compulsive behaviors and see how I can exploit it. For example: avoid stress in order to avoid compulsive gambling. And so on. The causes of stress might still be there, but you might reduce your stress by changing your attitude and not caring to fix those things that stress you out. Then I'll see if removing stress is enough to reduce/eliminate those compulsive behaviors.

For the weekend, I'll keep watching the rest of this long list of "conspiracy films", which in the CIA-edited wikipedia language means "films telling the truth":
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of...er_films#Films

The truth is that the "official versions", the story told by the US mass media should be classified as "science fiction".
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Last edited by Yamato; Jun 22, 2012 at 1:55pm.
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Old Jun 23, 2012, 1:23pm   #876
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Some more thinking on the concept of this struggle between ego and id, from a secondary connection I have.

Our autopilot is the id, and it can make us do a lot of things that do not benefit us in the long term, such as overeating, smoking, drinking alcoholic beverages, spending money we don't have to satisfy other urges. The Id - at least the way I am accepting Freud's framework and after only reading half an entry in wikipedia - as I was saying, the Id answers an endless flow of urges, including breathing. The scale of necessity of these urges starts with breathing and ends with things that I still haven't figured out how necessary they are. I wonder if stopping them can cause side-effects, in other words I wonder if we should satisfy all of them and what is the price of not doing it.

Let's draft an example of this scale:

1) breathing: you can't do without it, but you could still choose when to breathe, and postpone it, even up to a minute (several minutes if you're trained).

2) sneezing

----- in this first section above there's urges that are GOOD and therefore I am not planning to gain control of them by spending ego energy. From here on, there could be some useful practice in developing and strengthening self-control --------

3) scratching your body when you feel itchy: this you could do without, but even not scratching yourself when you feel the urge for it, might have some side-effects, which I do not know, but which could simply be the depleting of energy from your ego: energy useful for stopping other urges. In this sense, this link says a lot about this:
Ego depletion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Self control - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Quote:
In sum, although there is empirical evidence that self-control is a limited mental resource, a number of studies support the notion that self-control is nevertheless a resource that can be increased through suitable "exercise".
In other words, this confirms as I was thinking that self-control is like a muscle: you can't use it endlessly but you can increase its power and endurance.

Now, the urge to scratch yourself when you feel itchy is very hard to resist, so this is really borderline, and the next ones seem to be urges that we can and should try to resist when they benefit us.

4) the urge to eat sweets - we all feel it to some degree. For some of us it is so low that the ego (self-control) overpowers so much that they don't even realize it. The ego is consciously or unconsciously saying "nah... I don't need to bother buying an ice cream, it's going to make me fat, it's going to cause cavities because I cannot brush my teeth for while, etc.". But for children it will be a lot different.

5) the need to move when you're awake. This morning I woke up a bit early and realized that I should have kept sleeping another two hours at least, and made a point to not get up, but I could feel a tug-of-war a struggle between my Id, in this case my body, who wanted to get up and move, and my ego, that was saying "not a good idea: get some more rest or you'll be tired all day long". In the end my ego won, also because I was a bit sleepy: I could not do it now. Of course if I forced myself: I could force myself to lie still for another two hours, but maybe I would not fall asleep, which helps the task. The point is to only refrain from those urges that hurt you, but the process of strengthening your self-control could go through exercises that refrain from urges that do not hurt us much, such as scratching and moving.

6) Compulsive gambling if you haven't done it for 24 hours. This is about its place on my scale. If I have money on my account, I can't refrain from looking for trading opportunities, even more than I feel the urge to eat (cfr. below).

7) eating when you haven't eaten for 24 hours. I can easily go without eating for 24 hours.

8) eating sweets: if there's a cake in the refrigerator, it will be a tough exercise to not touch it, day after day. I can resist one day, but at least up to now, I haven't been able to resist for longer. But I will not feel the crave enough to get dressed, go out and buy it: the same applies to drinking alcoholic beverages, smoking... if they're in the house (never), then I am safe. If I am at the restaurant, I usually get a beer. Occasionally I even buy cigarettes, but I throw them away after smoking one. Very low smoking and drinking urge for me.

I wish I had a self-control meter, to measure how strong my self-control is and how much will power I have exercised in any given day, so I could keep track of my improvements if any, and understand what causes it to decrease.

I am thinking that maybe it's not my ego that's weak, because for example, with my trading systems I have shown that I can do a lot of hard work for long term purposes and give up on a lot of pleasures, those for regular people (going out and so on). I think that by denying a regular life to my Id, i have enraged it, without realizing it. I have a raging Id, that says "what the ****, man: I can't do jack ****!? when can I have some fun? there's no way I am giving up on this cake now - I have gone on for days without having any fun - there's no way you're going to deny me some compulsive gambling. I am not taking 'no' for an answer".

To verify this theory I would need to develop a self-control meter and see how strong my self-control is when I live a regular social life: seeing people and playing sports essentially instead of working/studying all the time as I've been doing so far.

I remember that when I am on vacation I have a much easier time at controlling those mentioned urges: biting fingernails, scratching my nose/head... I don't remember how I behaved as far as compulsive gambling, because usually the connection or the account was not available. And because I'm on vacation so rarely. But I would suspect that when you're having a social and physical activity, and you're less stressed out, you have an easier time controlling your urges.

This morning, as I was lying in bed, I was thinking of actually killing my "Id" and destroying all these urges for good, but can it be done? And is it a good thing?

Some of course cannot be stopped: I cannot stop the urge to breathe and eat every once in a while. So my Id cannot be killed.

A "good habit" would be this: the ability of dealing effectively with a given urge. For example the child cannot hold his urge to pee in his pants, whereas the adult can wait. The adult has a "good habit" and doesn't even feel consciously the effort his ego is making in stopping that urge, so this answers the question of whether stopping our urges is good: since people go on living all their lives without any problems and yet they're always refraining from pissing in their pants, this means it is ok to say "no" to your urges. But it is true nonetheless that you do feel a bit frustrated when you haven't been able to pee for the last 24 hours. Or if you drank a lot of beer and can't pee immediately.

So maybe, as we do for pissing, we could develop a lot of "good habits". In this way, once they become a habit, we can start working on a newer habit, and the new muscle is used up only on working on new habit. In this sense we might however take some fun out of life. But if we don't abuse this, it is a good thing - I realize this if I just think of all the damage I've done to myself with compulsive gambling, which in turn is forcing me to renounce a lot more things than compulsive gambling itself. It's making me stay at the office for many more years. Awful urge to satisfy.

So, recapitulating, we have several categories of urges and we're not going to be concerned with the first category of necessary urges: breathing, sneezing.

In the long term, we're not going to be concerned with scratching when feeling itchy either and similar non-harmful urges, but we can use them to practice.

The category of urges where we want to acquire good habits are those that are harmful in the long term: in my case eating, scratching and compulsive gambling. With compulsive gambling, I can't practice because that would mean losing money in case of failure.

For the other two, eating and scratching, i could at once practice and develop a self-control meter.

This could be done by having food on the table, a sweet, and trying not to eat it. Or it could be done with other food as well. It's going to be hard however to have an overall measurement of how much will power and self-control I have used during the day.

But my guess is that our self-control is always the same. What becomes better is the knowledge that we can acquire good habits. Once you know you can have a cake in front of you and not eat it, and once you know you can acquire that habit of resisting the urge to eat it, then your knowledge makes you confident and confidence makes you stronger. Like for intelligence or mathematical capability. Two people with the same knowledge can perform in different ways depending on their confidence. I've learned this with math, by going from insecure to confident. I used to not try and think "i suck at math" whereas now I think I can do it and therefore my chances of succeeding are a lot higher, because at least I read the exercise.

So for example: now I am hungry. I have some cherries. I will wash them. And put them in front of me until my mouth waters, but then I won't eat it. As I do this, I will monitor my Id, and my Ego and their ongoing tug of war.

The whole point right now is to find out whether your self-control develops like a muscle and you can resist more urges, or your self-control stays the same, and you acquire good habits. I think it's the latter. What I am saying is with pissing, i don't have the urge I used to have when I was two years old, so I don't feel I am using up any self-control, I am not depleting any ego at all, in not pissing my pants. So maybe the ego/self-control always stays the same and you simply increase the amount of "good habits" - meaning the amount of urges you are so used to controlling that it doesn't take you any effort anymore.
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Last edited by Yamato; Jun 23, 2012 at 2:09pm.
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Old Jun 23, 2012, 5:32pm   #877
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread

Yet another excellent documentary showing evidence that we never went to the moon. There's so much evidence and such meticulous research that it's a pain in the ass to watch: boring. After all the evidence on the government killing JFK, faking the moon landing, and creating 911, you'd expect the american people and the world to wake up, and yet nothing, because they're not informed: the public and even the politicians are not informed. Even my father who's a professor and a politician, and is deemed a genius by everyone around him, says that he believes in all these things, and why? Because those around him believe in them, and why? Because... ultimately the television said so. We're all relying on the US mass media, and it is all owned by the corporations and the CIA-FBI-government.

Great explanation of this problem by a former congresswoman, all within the first minute:



"...both of those parties have been captured by special interest and those special interest are the antithesis of the interest of the people". This is the only congresswoman I know who has spoken out on the 911 truth and is still alive. Some others did the same but got killed (plane crash, etc.).

Regarding the self-control I am thinking that maybe I need to give myself some sort of reward, periodically, in order to "fuel" my ego and self-control with the necessary energy to resist more urges. Almost like you do with dogs and horses, giving them sugar or similar, to train them (I am against this crap of training animals - they should be left alone). The only problem is that, after denying my Id so many pleasures, I don't know what's left as a self-reward.

It seems as if I took all the fun out of life, and my Id is a raging Id and it demands some other form of "fun", and so it engages in compulsive gambling, eating and nervous scratching.

If I really never found anything else (I don't know if watching a movie could qualify as a reward, because i find it tiring, as if it were work), food might be a reward, but only if I can get to view a normal amount of food as reward, otherwise i'd get fat. So I could reward myself if I brainwash myself into thinking that a regular amount of food is a reward. In our modern western society we've forgotten what it means to be hungry, we've grown spoiled and many things that could have been considered "rewards" today, such as hot running water, a hot bath, not having to work in the weekend, being on a part-time schedule... all these things I have, I forgot how precious they are, and I am feeling as if I had no rewards to feed my Id with. I might be able to realize this, and change it around, and enjoy modern technology. Watching a movie, watching tv, making a phone call, and so on. There should be no need to go out of my way to find new and bigger rewards for refraining from these three urges of eating, scratching and especially compulsive gambling. For sure, before i'll be sure that I am in control of myself, I will not wire any more money to my account.
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Last edited by Yamato; Jun 23, 2012 at 6:07pm.
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Old Jun 23, 2012, 6:18pm   #878
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Whether true or false this is fascinating:







Hmm...



If it's fake, they're all excellent actresses.
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Last edited by Yamato; Jun 23, 2012 at 7:23pm.
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Old Jun 23, 2012, 7:36pm   #879
 
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Re: my journal 3

Yamato started this thread Watch V for Vendetta online - on 1Channel | LetMeWatchThis

Quite a revolutionary movie, like most of those on my list:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of...er_films#Films

Under the pretense of entertainment and science fiction, these directors are going further than all the alex jones and david icke of the world, in telling what's really going on.
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Old Jun 24, 2012, 12:33am   #880
 
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Re: my journal 3

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