[Pitscum]

..cast your mind back to the year rubber jonny major was leading the conservatives to an election he couldnt win......

cliffy j, we'll call him, a very bright lad, schooled in options trading for a company that went by the name o'conner who knew their left hand from their right (rare for liffe traders)

cliffy by now, had long moved on and was plowing his way as a local backed by a bad tempered sepo we'll call steve w. cliff always was number crunching and viewed ftse options with relish as the election grew closer. maybe with too much relish. ...

one day on the national news they carried an article about some mad punter who had backed jonny major to win the election with £50,000. well, we all thought the bloke was nutz too on the floor, cliff included, and we all wished we could lay the idiot some more ourselves.

so election day came and unbelievably jonny stormed number 10 !! shcok horror , ftse volatility dropped down like some lovely ladies draws u might find at the minories on a thursday night. when i mean dropped i mean it dropped, loads and loads of percent. funny enough, amidst all the trading activity, no cliffy ....stevie w showed up at the pit edge demanding had anyone seen him....that'll be a no then..........infact, a few of the pit twigged......50k bet..cliffy long premium in the pit...the boy had pulled off the rio hedge in one hit.

guess what, cliff was or has never been seem again. good job really as steve w made no secret he had a contract out on the lads head to fit him with a pair of over sized concrete guccis.....

[holy man]

happy days Pitscum..........both your last stories are spot on .I could add relevant names and details ,but you ve already done a great job.

[Directional]

keep them coming guys.. had some great chuckles from all of these!

[Pitscum]

TUNA.........

where does a man start with this chappie??? give u a flavour, he was openly proud of the fact he spent his wedding night in a....whore house. we are talking no shame 100% class a nutter. locked his new bride in the hotel bathroom cos they had the first of many marital rows and went and scored some quality brass instead

the man had done more road miles than iggy pop crossed with hunter s thompson. tuna was late thirties looking like he was going on 50. the man's body was coming apart at the seams. no drink too long no burger too big.

he'd done the whole nine yards when it came to trading. you name it, he'd scummed it. he became a fixture in the btp options for a helluva time giving us lots of free cash...

.....especially one monday when he walked in the pit and fierced us all up for the straddle...after we'd subdued our ''tuuuunnnnaaaaaaaaa'' chant we quoted it, he does a double take on his fat wad of trading sheets and lifts us all our size...christmas had come early that year, we all asked him did he want to double, so he did, being tuna.

at that point the legends that was puppy and wildman benevolantly whispered in his ear that perhaps he might consider printing out some new trading sheets with todays monday trading date on as opposed to last thursdays date when he was last at work...who says eyes cant pop out of a head??

following some choice cursing and swearing and promises we were all going to die by stabbings, tuna walked off several million lira lighter......to go and get it on again down the pub.........

[Pitscum]

royal exchange this time...tiny pits and tiny booths....

runners were never paid well, more a case of heres your chance son, suck it and see or naff off (bit like the arcades i think)

so one runner got a little desparate...am pretty sure he worked for gni and was having one or two minor cash flow problems..no worrries tho, he had a plan....

one day hes very late to work...noel the floor manager was screaming blue murder until, there goes the fone line and its little jonny's mum...conversation went something like this

''hello..is that gn?....?
''yes it is''
im jonnys mum, he wont be in today''
''whys that? is he ill?''
'''infact he wont be in for a very long time.....''
booth monkey now concerned...''why whats the matter?''

''he held up a petrol station last night attempting armed robbery and was caught so i expect he wont be in for about 15 years....''click..fone hung up, mum crying, we're crying with laughter....nasty old place!!

[Pitscum]

what about the work experience runner who got trapped in the bund pit and made the front pages of the evening standard?????

[Directional]

LOL! how did he get trapped and why did it make the front page?!?

[Pitscum]

so this runner is just about nudging 16 but obviously couldnt get a suit to fit him but that didnt matter, he wouldnt stand out too much....on his second or third day, the lads collecting cards from the guys on the edge of the bund pit when wham, next thing he knows hes been lifted off his feet and dumped into the middle of the pit with a circle of traders chucking cards at him...he makes a run for it only to be grabbed by one 'senior' local who bends down and says

...''oi son d'you know what noise this is?''
-at which point he starts slapping his cheek..

little runner replies.....''no?'' (surpriise surprise)

trader says...''i'lll tell you, its my c++k slapping against your a++rse cheeks''

exit runner left, screaming and crying, pit dying of laughter..

trouble was they'd picked the wrong runner; he'd got down there with a firm only because his daddy was pals with a big wig from the l+++e board.

so, guess what story then appears in the evening standard later that week...and we're talking front page stuff...oh yes..........and guess what, horrendous fines followed soon afterwards to all those nasty nasty bully locals involved...