Joke of the day

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Old Jun 16, 2003, 9:28am   #1
 
Airthrey Capital's Avatar
Joined May 2003
Joke of the day

Sadly, Dave was born without ears. And although he proved to be
successful in business, his lack of ears annoyed him greatly. One
day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three
interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and
was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears" came
the reply. He did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than
the first guy. And he asked her the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" "Well," she said, stammerig, "you have no
ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a
young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was
handsome and he
seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same
question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear
contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an
incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man then fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*cking ears!"
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 10:20am   #2
Joined May 2003
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 male sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 10:26am   #3
 
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Who says men do not have a sensitive side.

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,

she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the
floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him...

they kiss...

and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,

"Well, how was it?"

The guy says..



(scroll down it's a beauty)

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 10:50pm   #4
 
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Joined Jun 2003
dude walks into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to buy a half head of lettuce. The boi working in that department tells him they only sell whole heads of lettuce. The man insists that the boi asks his manager about the matter

walking into the back room, the boi says to the manager "some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce"

as he finished his sentence he turned to find the dude standing right behind him...

so he quickly added "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half"

the manager approved the deal and the dude went on his way. Later the manager said to the boi "I was impressed the way yuo got yuorself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are yuo from, son?"

"Canada, sir," replied the boi

"well, why did yuo leave Canada?"

boi replies "sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there"

"really?" said the manager. "my wife is from Canada"

"no ****?!" replied the boi, "who'd she play for?"

- Car Key Boi
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 10:53pm   #5
Joined May 2003
that's my joke
have you been breaking into my cracker box ?

I suppose that means you must be an arcadian ?

its meant to be about Essex whores and football !
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Last edited by bonsai; Jun 16, 2003 at 11:00pm.
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 10:55pm   #6
 
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haha, so it is, nah i didn't crack into anything. That jokes been doing the rounds all across the whole of the internet and now it come full circle, congrats
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 11:01pm   #7
 
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this is good one

>>>>A group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by two female
>>>>teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about
>>>>thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see
the
>>>
>>>>horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
>>>>decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would
go
>>>
>>>>with the other.
>>>>
>>>>The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
>>>>when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
>>>>reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
>>>>with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by
>>>>one
>>>>As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually
>>>>well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
>>>>said, "You must be in the 3rd grade."
>>>>
>>>>No, ma'am, he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
4th,
>>>>but thanks for the lift."
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 11:07pm   #8
Joined May 2003
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 11:14pm   #9
 
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two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"

"some chickens, Jes"

"if I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"

"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give yuo both of 'em!"

"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 11:16pm   #10
 
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Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away

"where do yuo live?" asked the operator

Bubba replies "at the end of Eucalyptus Drive "

the operator asked "can yuo spell that for me?"

after a long pause, Bubba said, "how 'bout i drag her over to Oak
Street and yuo pick her up there?"
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 11:23pm   #11
Joined May 2003


why are blokes like cool bags?
load then with beer and you can take them anywhere

why are blokes like high heels?
theyre easy to walk on once you get the hang of it

why are blokes like used cars?
both are easy to get,cheap,and unreliable

what have you got if you have 100 blokes buried upto their necks in sand?
not enough sand

whats a blokes idea of a romantic evening?
a candlelit football stadium,

what are a womans four favourite animals?
a mink in the wardrobe,a jaguar in the garage,a tiger in the bedroom,and an ass who will pay for it all,
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Old Jun 16, 2003, 11:34pm   #12
Joined May 2003
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds ?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.


I'm bored. when do the markets open in the far east ?
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Old Jun 23, 2003, 12:42pm   #13
 
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Joined Dec 2002
shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly
> abrand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
> young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie,
> leans out the window and asks the shepherd...
> "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you
> give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
> looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, Sure. Why not?"
> The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
> it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he
> calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
> location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
> in an ultra-high-resolution photo. They young man then opens the digital
> photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
> Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
> that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
> MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds
> of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his
> Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
> prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
> LaserJet printer and turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly
> 1586 sheep".
> "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the
> shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
> amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
> Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
> what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man
> thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?".
> "You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
> "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that"?
> "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
> though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
> knew, to a question I never asked; and you know jack sh*t about my
> business... "
> " ... Now give me back my dog"
>
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Old Jun 24, 2003, 10:46am   #14
 
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Joined Feb 2003
The Perfect Detective

a joke if i may

the perfect detective

a man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone.A few days later , he received this report:
MOST HONARABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE. I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,
CHEN LEE
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Old Jun 29, 2003, 10:54pm   #15
 
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Joined Jun 2003
this dude from Ohio wakes up one morning and hears a little voice say, "Quit yuor job, sell yuor house, take all yuor money and go to Las Vegas!"

dude shakes it off and goes to work. All day long though, everytime things are quiet, the guy hears a little voice say, "Quit yuor job, sell yuor house, take all yuor money and go to Las Vegas!"

this goes on for 3 days. Finally, the guy quits his job, sells his house, cashes in his stocks and 401K and flies out to Las Vegas

he lands in Vegas and says, "Now what?" The little voice says, "Take a cab to the Mirage." So the guy goes to the Mirage

"Now what?", he asks. "Put all yuor money on Red at the Roulette table.", the little voice says

dude puts all his $'s on Red, the dealer spins and it comes up black

"****..." says the little voice

- Car Key Boi Click the image to open in full size.
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