Joke of the day

This is a discussion on Joke of the day within the The Foyer forums, part of the Off the Grid category; hehe.... A guys in a pub with a mate after work and they are enjoying a good few beers. The ...

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Old Jun 30, 2003, 10:54am   #17
 
temporarilylight's Avatar
Joined Jun 2002
hehe....

A guys in a pub with a mate after work and they are enjoying a good few beers. The guy turns to his friend and slurs: "damn, I told my wife that I was only going for a quiet beer and look at me....i'm hammered". Moments later he is sick all down his shirt.
He turns to his friend and says "ishhhh....i been sick!....'hicupp'.."
His friend replies: "Dont worry. Take this 20pound note and stick it in your top pocket...then when your wife sees the mess down your top you can tell her that some drunkard was sick on you in the pub, but that he gave you the money to get your shurt cleaned.."
The man likes the idea and stumbled home to his wife.
"Oh my god!.....what the hell ahve you been doing?! you said you were going for one drink!!!"
"Its ok baby....it washn't me....some drunkard was sick on me but he gave me the 20pound note in my top pocket to get my shirt cleaned"....replied the man
"Oh,....but theres two 20pound notes in your top pocket..."observed his wife
"Yeah,...he shat in my pants aswell"
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Old Aug 4, 2003, 4:54pm   #18
 
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Moth?

Bloke walks into the doctor's and says
"Doctor, I think I'm a moth"

The doctor says "You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist - why did you come here?"

"I was just passing and saw the light on"
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Old Aug 4, 2003, 10:21pm   #19
 
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Joined Nov 2000
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes
and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Tango," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for
dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any
dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
"but why have you only ordered water all evening?"














The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
Attached Thumbnails
piggs.gif  
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Old Aug 5, 2003, 1:25pm   #20
 
stoploss please's Avatar
Joined Jun 2003
>>
>>Subject: Rules of Manhood
>>
>>
>> "You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to
>>climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent
>>entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend."
>> >
>> > Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>> >
>> > It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>> > a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>> > b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>> > c. After wrecking your boss' car.
>> > d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>> > e. When she is using her teeth
>> >
>> > Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
>>eaten by his mates.
>> >
>> > Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of
>>jail within 12 hours.
>> >
>> > If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits
>>forever, unless you actually marry her.
>> >
>> > Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
>>Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>> >
>> > No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
>>In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
>> >
>> > On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
>>weakest.
>> >
>> > When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask
>>the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
>> >
>> > It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
>>sunning
>>on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and
>>it's
>>free.
>> >
>> > Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick
>>another bloke in the nuts.
>> >
>> > Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>> >
>> > Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>> >
>> > If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>> >
>> > Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
>>until
>>they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much
as
>>the other sports watchers.
>> >
>> > A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
>>sober enough to fight.
>> >
>> > Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but
>>not both - that's just mean.
>> >
>> > If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
>>about
>>his choice of beer.
>> >
>> > Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
except
>>if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
>> >
>> > Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
>> > a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>> > b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>> > c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>> >
>> > Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
>> > Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an
>>almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
>> >
>> > Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
>>you
>>are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
>>necessary.
>> >
>> > The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
>>carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is
>>no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
>>mistake it was.
>> >
>> > It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her
>>to
>>drive yours.
>> >
>> > Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
>>orange
>>or sky blue.
>> >
>> > The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
>>with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
>> >
>> >
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Old Aug 6, 2003, 5:41pm   #21
 
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Joined May 2003
Greatest Joke Ever?

Just before the war,a Jewish comedian walked onto a Munich nightclub's stage.He stood to attention and gave a proud,arm-outstretched and palm to the floor Nazi salute.The audience looked at each other,murmured and one by one they rose and joined him. When silence descended he said:-"Last year,the snow was this high in Garmisch Partenkierchen."
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Old Oct 7, 2003, 1:02pm   #22
 
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Joined Jun 2002
Joke of the day

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
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Old Oct 7, 2003, 2:07pm   #23
 
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Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
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Old Oct 7, 2003, 2:10pm   #24
 
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Joined Jun 2002
There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.

1) Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%

2) Those who know a little: approx. 10%

3) Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%


I think I belong to group 3..
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