my journal 2

This is a discussion on my journal 2 within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; Originally Posted by tommason how long for you to be able to get that 500k? I am afraid once u ...

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Old Jun 30, 2010, 8:45am   #961
 
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re: my journal 2

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Originally Posted by tommason View Post
how long for you to be able to get that 500k?
I am afraid once u achieve that you will be cocky haha
Considering I have a debt of about 10k with my bank, I am about 510k away from that objective. Let's keep our fingers crossed. I just have to double my capital 8 times and I'll get there.
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Old Jun 30, 2010, 7:02pm   #962
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re: my journal 2

I dont think you are cut out for discretionary trading, but saying that i don't think you should always adhere to a system. Check out www.fxproalert.com. They give you signals, which are good. It can make you feel like you're trading discretionary and it keeps you disciplined. The signals aren't really important because it's not what you want to do, but if you analyze the signals, and stick to the disciplined way of trading and you know it's not really your idea you feel a lot better when the trades are losing, because others are also losing on the trade. Even if you don't like this sort of thing and it may not potentially work out well, it's good for general discipline. Theres about 12 trades a week, which hopefully you should be able to stick to and no more! You will profit from them by the end of the month and it will make you understand that you have to look at your statement at the end of the month and not on the individual trades. There are no goals other than to win at the end of the month. No 10% or 20% monthly goals, that will come.

The most important accomplishment about this is that you will be up month on month and you learn that you don't have to win on every trade, you can stick to disciplined trading, and you have someone else to blame for your losses, and you can take the credit for the gains. You will be up at the end of the month and all those annoying losses become just a cost of trading. Stick to it and you'll be up.
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Old Jun 30, 2010, 7:45pm   #963
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread Yeah, thanks for the advice but I don't follow signals. As they say in Idiocracy, "lead, follow or get out of the way". I'd rather lead, even if I am leading just myself. Your idea is good and you're very helpful (to others) in explaining it in detail, but it won't work for me. I have to do everything by myself.

I wish the goddamn TWS had a function where you could stop losses at 100 dollars, but it doesn't. It has "ticks" and "amount", but I don't think "amount" means money. Well, I'll find out later.

I can't follow any signals. But thanks for taking the time to try and help me.

I guess maybe my unwillingness to follow signals means I want to keep on losing. I don't know. Maybe.
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Old Jun 30, 2010, 7:55pm   #964
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re: my journal 2

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Yeah, thanks for the advice but I don't follow signals. As they say in Idiocracy, "lead, follow or get out of the way". I'd rather lead, even if I am leading just myself. Your idea is good and you're very helpful (to others) in explaining it in detail, but it won't work for me. I have to do everything by myself.

I wish the goddamn TWS had a function where you could stop losses at 100 dollars, but it doesn't. It has "ticks" and "amount", but I don't think "amount" means money. Well, I'll find out later.

I can't follow any signals. But thanks for taking the time to try and help me.

I guess maybe my unwillingness to follow signals means I want to keep on losing. I don't know. Maybe.
I dont think you should follow the signals full time. I mean for like a month until you get into a dicretionary trading routine, then you can follow your own ideas and trade how you would with the signals, sticking to it. I don't think discretionary trading is about making money to begin with. It's just about sticking to a routine. It's like getting up in the morning and going to work and coming back. I think you find yourself going to work at 12am and leaving at 3pm one day and then the next going to work at 7am and getting back at 9pm. When i first started going to work i used to hate getting up and feel like quitting because i didn't want to get up, now its just routine and i want to quit because i feel i don't have to go to work. Now i wait for a set up then trade stick to it and get on with my work. Before i would be spending all day doing stuff i shouldn't do. Now i can get on with my work and trade and i have no emotion to trading because i have found an amount i'm willing to lose.
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Old Jun 30, 2010, 9:56pm   #965
 
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re: my journal 2

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Can I sleep with your wife? If I can, I would stop trading and your account would be safe.
If you sleep with my wife, I'd ****ing kill you.

Unless of course Isabella Rossellini happens to be part of the deal at your end.

And anyway, you'd have to ask her yourself and she's not my wife.

But apart from that, nothing's off limits. But coming to think about it, you won't have any money left in your account so perhaps we should forget about it.

re: IB TWS & stop loss settings - you're right I don't think it'll let you set $100 stops by default, but have you tried any of the other trading software they package with TWS? Like Scale Trader maybe? I haven't tried it myself, just wondered. I used FXTrader and TWS.
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Old Jul 1, 2010, 5:05am   #966
 
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re: my journal 2

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Originally Posted by brettus View Post
I dont think you should follow the signals full time. I mean for like a month until you get into a dicretionary trading routine, then you can follow your own ideas and trade how you would with the signals, sticking to it. I don't think discretionary trading is about making money to begin with. It's just about sticking to a routine. It's like getting up in the morning and going to work and coming back. I think you find yourself going to work at 12am and leaving at 3pm one day and then the next going to work at 7am and getting back at 9pm. When i first started going to work i used to hate getting up and feel like quitting because i didn't want to get up, now its just routine and i want to quit because i feel i don't have to go to work. Now i wait for a set up then trade stick to it and get on with my work. Before i would be spending all day doing stuff i shouldn't do. Now i can get on with my work and trade and i have no emotion to trading because i have found an amount i'm willing to lose.
Yeah, I wish there was a way to implement an automated stoploss in my discretionary trades, but there isn't. I am not quick enough to cut my losses, after 13 years of losses. Yesterday I was trying to make a quick 100 dollars on the AUD and now I am losing 1200.
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Old Jul 1, 2010, 5:12am   #967
 
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re: my journal 2

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Originally Posted by Adamus View Post
If you sleep with my wife, I'd ****ing kill you.

Unless of course Isabella Rossellini happens to be part of the deal at your end.

And anyway, you'd have to ask her yourself and she's not my wife.

But apart from that, nothing's off limits. But coming to think about it, you won't have any money left in your account so perhaps we should forget about it.

re: IB TWS & stop loss settings - you're right I don't think it'll let you set $100 stops by default, but have you tried any of the other trading software they package with TWS? Like Scale Trader maybe? I haven't tried it myself, just wondered. I used FXTrader and TWS.
No, sorry. I haven't tried any of that software. I am too depressed to try anything any longer. I am tired of my trading addiction, of my losing addiction. I am a total disaster, and I think IB and all brokers are plotting against me and against all traders for not creating a function that allows me to cut my losses at -100 dollars. Everything is tick based, which makes it impossible for me to use the same hotkeys for all futures, and I can't configure different hotkeys for a dozen futures, and so I've been losing for a decade. I am tired of myself and of losing, but I keep on falling into this trap.

I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to go back to sleep. I am tired of this sick life, caused by my own sick mind. It is not my job's fault. Everything at work is ok. Everything in the house is ok. Everything around me is quite fine. It's all in my mind. I am destroying my life by being compulsive about everything - complaining, trading... everything. All the problems are caused by my attitude. Complaining about what surrounds me doesn't make any sense any more.
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Old Jul 1, 2010, 6:49am   #968
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread Enough with complaining, enough with negativity, enough with compulsiveness. I can't even ****ing sleep anymore. From now on I'll have to be positive, accepting, and serene. Goddamn it.

Instead of complaining about things, I should try to fix them while I can. No more complaining. No more negativity.
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Old Jul 1, 2010, 3:44pm   #969
 
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Account blown out again

Yamato started this thread That's it. I did it again. I blew out my account again.

The trade on the AUD, that had gone from a take profit of 100 to minus 1200, did not end up too badly, because I only lost 350 dollars. But then I came home and found the CL falling by 1.50, and thought it was a great opportunity to make it all back. I went long on it, thinking it couldn't drop any more after all these days of falling, and it fell another 150 ticks. My position was closed on margin call, because I only had 1500 dollars left in my account. And this is like the 40th time I blow out my account. Awesome. The last time was in May, when the EUR was at 1.32 and I thought it couldn't fall any lower, and bet 5 LONG contracts on it.

This time I will leave it empty for one month, because there's no way out for me. I'd just do it again and again and again. I can't keep it idle for longer than one month or two, because there's a risk that IB will close it, as they wrote down somewhere I read, that they sometimes close idle accounts.

The way I would go about blowing it out again is according to these steps:

1) "I will only wire 2000 in order to allow my trading systems to work..."
2) "I will only add this highly probable trade to increase capital so my account can trade more systems..."
3) "This trade didn't go well, but now prices are so low that I cannot be wrong, so I will double up."
4) I blow out my account.

I guess I won't have any problems sleeping in the next month or two, as long as I keep my goddamn resolution. And now a lot of boredom awaits me. I hope I don't just wire money to my account because I am bored. It'd be a good test, to see if I trade out of boredom.

And here is the snapshot to remember this mother ****ing enterprise:
snap1.jpg

Here's how I see it. I have a trading addiction. It's not that I am stupid and it took me 13 years to realize I am unprofitable. I wanted to keep on trading, as a compulsive gambler, like all addicts, and this kept me from worrying about my profitability. I thought I was trading to make money, but even if you don't make money, the addiction is still there: the hope to make money one day keeps you going, even if your methodology keeps on failing. The thrill and the hope to win on your next trade is what makes you enter a trade, rather than the statistical knowledge that the odds are in your favor. What made me enter a trade was usually more the excitement rather than the reasoning. I was always focusing on how much money I could make, and never on how much money I could lose. The trading with stoploss has always been boring to me, even though it's been the only discretionary trading I've been profitable at, documented and chronicled on this very journal. But I put it behind me, because it was boring. Exciting and unprofitable attracts me more than boring and profitable. It's amazing, but that's how I behaved. I am simply a gambling addict, with a boring life to fill up, like all gambling addicts. I am just like the people they talk about in this documentary:

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Old Jul 1, 2010, 7:23pm   #970
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread All right. First 4 hours of no trading have passed and I already feel better. No compulsive checking of prices. Talking and laughing on the phone. Talking and laughing with my mom. Watching tv and appreciating the ads. Appreciating even a tv series without the volume on. Actually I already knew this feeling from before: each time I blew out my account I felt serene for a few days, carefree almost.

Now I'll see how it evolves in the next few days. Probably tonight I'll sleep better, because I am not worried about an overnight position on the AUD like last night, a position that I had started in order to make a quick 100 dollars and that ended with a minus 350, but that during the night went to as low as minus 1300.

I think I might end up building more systems. But first I need to take a break for a few days, and feel totally rested. I am going to have a lot of free time.
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Old Jul 1, 2010, 8:22pm   #971
 
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usual remark on "counter-intuitive" nature of markets...

Yamato started this thread The interesting thing about the systems doing what I can't do and making money is that if price has gone up a whole lot today, e.g. on the EUR today, they go LONG and stay LONG all day. They know how people behave. Price takes a long time to reverse, but when it does, it just keeps on going.

Personally, I could wait for five days for a EUR reversal, and then when it comes, after 4 hours of rising, I will get out, and maybe even reverse. "The trend is your friend", but I am antisocial and reject all friends, anticonformist and reject all fads - so I always go counter-trend. Yet price now is rising and it will keep on rising for 3 days. As Livermore said "some people cannot sit tight" and they lose money even if they were the first ones to spot a reversal.

Whereas the systems measure this with back-testing historical data, no matter how many times I see it happen in the past, I still will not go for it. The data tells me trends last days, but i will get out of it after hours and start looking for a reversal - this is one of the many discretionary fallacies of mine. I will see an overbought price and not go long, but go short on it, and each time I will lose money and blow out my account, because what's overbought just keeps on going up, long enough to blow out my small account.

It's funny but the right thing to do generally is the opposite: going with the trend no matter how overstretched it looks. If the EUR has been going up for two thirds of the day, it makes sense - statistically - to go LONG on it, rather than what would seem natural to me, which is SHORT. I know this very well from tests, but I can't do it, I just cannot do it. That's why my trading is not profitable and my systems make money.

Say the EUR today was up an amazing 200 ticks. The systems at that point just say - given also other circumstances - to go LONG. They would have made 800 dollars today with one contract. Instead, I'd definitely not only go short, but step in and cancel my systems' trade. The same with the CL. It had fallen 300 ticks and it just kept on falling all day. The same with the EUR in May, and with the Dow Jones all this week. Usual story about "catching falling knives", which is the same as top and bottom picking, which is what I've been doing for several years and several accounts.

There's no way out - i just have to touch rock bottom, but I never seem to touch it. I never seem to get desperate enough to stop falling.
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Old Jul 1, 2010, 10:15pm   #972
 
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so here you are...

Yamato started this thread So here you are, father. What have you achieved?

You have trained your son not to drop crumbs on the floor, and at what price?

That he will resent you forever for making his life unhappy, because he's basically obsessive-compulsive about every little detail, and he's intolerant towards all those who drop crumbs, including you, since you have raised him to standards you don't even meet.

What was the point of all this madness. Of criticizing me endlessly about everything I did, said, wore, thought.

Do you expect me to be grateful? No, I still fear you, and when you wish me goodnight, I hear "**** you" and reply "**** you", and your wishing me "goodnight" interferes with my sleep.

Do I use what you taught me? Precision, meticulousness: yes. Did it help me realize anything? Things that people don't really show appreciation for. Those who appreciate them, don't say it. Others are bothered by them. Others are envious. And I am miserable because I see everyone else doing whatever the **** they want and getting away with it, and living happily.

I went on vacation with my careless German highschool mate, and I was bitten by mosquitoes dozens of times, because he was too ****ing "serene" to ****ing care about closing the door, while the lights were on. I was cleaning after his mess all the time, treating him out to dinner. What did I get? Nothing. He had a good vacation because he was careless, and because I was taking care of the details. He even was so stupid to tell me that living carelessly is better - yeah, especially if you someone not careless to clean after you.

You taught me how to be unhappy and made my childhood and adolescence miserable in order to teach me how to be unhappy by being burdened with everyone's else problems and taking responsibility for all problems around me. I live to solve problems. And to create them when they are not there, because I don't enjoy anything else other than solving problems and working all the time.

Father, you really ****ed up.

It reminds me the Godfather talking to Michael, his son:



Quote:
MICHAEL (reaching over, touching his father)
What's the matter? What's bothering you?

(then, after the Don doesn't answer)
I'll handle it. I told you I can handle it, I'll handle it.

VITO CORLEONE (as he stands)
I knew that Santino was going to have to go through all this. And Fredo -- well --

(then, after he sits besides Michael)
-- Fredo was -- well -- But I never -- I never wanted this for you. I work my whole life, I don't apologize, to take care of my family. And I refused -- to be a fool -- dancing on the string, held by all those -- bigshots. I don't apologize -- that's my life -- but I thought that -- that when it was your time -- that -- that you would be the one to hold the strings. Senator - Corleone. Governor - Corleone, or something...

MICHAEL
Another pezzonovante...

VITO CORLEONE
Well -- this wasn't enough time, Michael. Wasn't enough time...
Yeah. "I refused to be a fool" is what sticks in my mind. My father refused to be a fool, but he did a whole mess because of that. It's like living with a dictator. It wasn't a ****ing family - it was like being in the army.

I never enjoyed his company, never enjoyed talking to him. He's either in lecture mode or in interrogation mode. You can't just tell him what's on your mind. You are always just a student, whoever you are. You can listen and learn from him, or be interrogated by him. But you can't tell him anything. If you do, he shows no interest at all, with what he replies, with his expression, and by the fact that he quickly interrupts you to resume his lecture.

I like writing about this. It makes me feel better. It's the biggest problem in my life. My father and his influence on my life. Mostly negative. Or at least I didn't get anything good out of it yet. All qualities that don't bring any happiness: meticulousness, precision, honesty, sincerity, generosity, fairness. Superficiality and stupidity bring you much farther and give you a much better life. You can live a happy and carefree life, resting on the shoulders of those workaholics that people like my dad train. A few people get trained by their parents to work their asses off, regardless of the need to do it, and the large majority sit on their asses, enjoying themselves.
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Old Jul 1, 2010, 11:08pm   #973
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread Ok, after re-editing the past posts forever, now I can finally go to bed and try to sleep.
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Old Jul 1, 2010, 11:27pm   #974
 
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Re: so here you are...

Quote:
Originally Posted by travis View Post
So here you are, father. What have you achieved?

Father, you really ****ed up.

It reminds me the Godfather talking to Michael, his son:

Yeah. "I refused to be a fool" is what sticks in my mind.
Hey Travis i'm sorry to hear that you blown your account again. I think I know how you feel, because i traded my small acc. at prop shop and run it up and eventully lost 50% of it. I've allways wondered how did you have motivation to keep trading and losing for 13 years?

Also, you said that its your father's fault. But is it really? I dont know how old are you but why are you still living with them instead in yout own apartment? In my opinion you would have much better conection with your father. Then he wouldn't tell you why you did this or that, because you will see him only when you or him really want to see eachother.
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Old Jul 2, 2010, 6:45am   #975
 
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re: my journal 2

Yamato started this thread Yeah, because in Rome rent is very expensive. It would cost me more than twice my salary to rent an aoartment by myself. I've lived away from my father for over 10 years before, and it didn't make a difference. His influence was always there, whether I was with him or not. What you experience between 0 and 20 affects you your whole life.

Regarding motivation. As I said, without even realizing it for many years, I have recently realized that what kept me going for all these years was not motivation but a trading addiction, compulsive gambling. It's like asking a smoker: despite all the problems that smoke is causing you, how can you be so strong and motivated to keep going for 13 years? It would be funny to hear such a question.

For trading, while gambling, I also worked on trading systems and created something good. So, there were like two people at work: the gambler, who kept on gambling. And there was the systems'' developer who put his best efforts for many years. So I know I have something good and that keeps me from quitting. At the same time, not quitting is a continuous temptation for the other side of me.

It would like for someone to make a living from selling wine. He's great at making and selling wine, but then he develops an addiction to drinking. And people tell him "stay away from wine". And he says "but it's my job, how can I do that?".

Or for a baker, who's obese because he eats his own pastries, but he's really good at making pastries, and he can't quit his job.
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