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This is a discussion on my journal within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; ok, I get your point too, but it's horses for courses. Finding the right balance twixt stick and carrot for ...

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Old Oct 11, 2009, 9:17am   #211
 
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ok, I get your point too, but it's horses for courses. Finding the right balance twixt stick and carrot for your particular child and what makes him or her tick isn't easy and you're quite likely to overdo it, particularly if one side appeals to your own character.

btw don't follow the old man's negativity by being constantly negative about yourself. There's a lot of positives in there

cheers

jon
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Old Oct 11, 2009, 9:24am   #212
 
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Yamato started this thread Horses for courses - Idiom Definition - UsingEnglish.com

I see. Well, from what I found out by talking to people with similar problems, in many families there is one parent who is like this, and often he/she passed it on to one of the children. Other times though this doesn't happen and you have two parents who are both stick and carrot parent, who are able to tell their children "good job" (instead of "you could have done better"). Other times you have the negative parent and yet you don't become negative. My combination is that I have a "dependent" mother and a NPD father, who passed it on to me. To be clear, my father and I both regard my mom as stupid and disorderly. He tells her "don't talk nonsense" several times a day and treats her like a child. I can't defend her first of all because she didn't defend me from him, ever. Second of all, because I really think she's stupid. I don't call her stupid though, because that would make her act more stupid. He does, regardless of this. Man, this guy is really a sick person, much more sick than me. But society regards him as a successful person, so everything is forgiven to him, because that's what happens in society. Today you're Adolf Hitler, a genius and world leader. Tomorrow you lose the war, and you are a monster. If you are successful, everything is forgiven to you (look at Berlusconi, too: a crook who is currently a prime minister). Maybe that's why my dad became successful, so he would be forgiven for being a sick person. Instead of changing and becoming a healthy person and live happily like everyone else, you decide to stay sick and become successful so people will accept you as you are. The only problem is that if you got healthy, you'd get a shot at being happy, whereas no matter how successful you get, if you are sick, you're not going to be happy, so getting successful is a waste of time. Personally, I want to be successful and then get healthy, too. But I wonder if I'll manage, because then people will let me have my way and that will encourage my manias. I feel like I am very prone to having a life similar to that of Howard Hughes as portrayed in The Aviator.

Last edited by Yamato; Oct 11, 2009 at 9:36am.
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Old Oct 11, 2009, 10:56am   #213
 
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Old Oct 11, 2009, 12:38pm   #214
 
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Yamato started this thread Still working and working... On and on... But I am getting increasingly tired. To the point that I can only work for 5 minutes before having to take a break. Of course I am working on vba code, written very small, and I need absolute focus, or my work is not only worthless but dangerous. I cannot make any mistakes.

I was dreaming of the future once again, and planning exactly how I should quit my job, a little at a time. Before leaving I'll be on a 4-hour part-time schedule for six months. So when I'll finally leave people won't notice very much. Also they will be relying on me gradually less, and I won't be remembered as someone who put them in trouble for suddenly leaving. But that will also give me the security needed and at the same time it will decrease the stress from work.
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Old Oct 11, 2009, 1:01pm   #215
 
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Yamato started this thread Here's a bunch of perfectionists, people who, just like me, focus on things obsessively, until they get them right. I tend to appreciate these people more than others, and I notice when I come across them. Others, the superficial crowd, won't even notice if someone is doing something well or not, and won't even remember the title of their favorite movie, because they don't have one. They don't appreciate things as deeply.







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Old Oct 11, 2009, 2:52pm   #216
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by barjon View Post
travis

To some extent, I'm one of those fathers and I can tell you one thing - inside he's as proud as hell of you. Ever wondered what you'd be like if he'd heaped praise on you at every opportunity - maybe he's got you tabbed right and knows that your road to success is to keep you under constant challenge.

Cheers

jon
Yes; But when someones motivation is to impress someone who cannot be impressed; what you percieve as success can never be achieved by them and all that creates is emotions of dis-satisfaction and unhappiness.
I think if i had gotten heaps of praise; i would be much happer and more self-accepting rather than trying to get approval from people all the time... I could relax alot more and focus on doing what i want to do, rather than focus on what others want me to do to try get there praise...
I've always found, when my dad didn't give me praise; It made me nervous to do something i knew he would be judgemental about and it made me perform significantly worse.

I'm the same now though; totally negative... Doesn't matter how well someone performs i will always find the negative and also now, if someone praises me i cannot except it, i feel embarrased or something; like that i don't deserve it because i haven't achieved what i want and therefore i don't deserve it.

Gladiator x

I've always had the same approach to things; And its bad. If i have an aim or i want to achieve something i won't do anything else until i've done it... Like trading, when i started - I didn't really sleep or eat or work out or go jogging or go out because i was so dedicated to do well; If i want to achieve something its best to spend all my time on it anyway... Because i don't give myself a break, i'm very self-punishing and i decided i would work like a slave until i did it... This is negative for my feelings and positive for my finance but ultimately it just creates unhappiness. In my mind; if i couldn't do trading, i didn't deserve to do anything but work.

Even now; after achieving what i set out to do when i started trading... I still work 24/7 because i am not at the stage where i am recieving the benefits i AIMED/THOUGHT i would get from it... So i just continue Like; No1 really cares that i've worked so hard, no1 really cares about the money, so i feel disappointed and therefore as punishment for not being happy, i will work myself until i deserve praise and happiness.
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Old Oct 11, 2009, 7:39pm   #217
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by barjon View Post
travis

To some extent, I'm one of those fathers and I can tell you one thing - inside he's as proud as hell of you. Ever wondered what you'd be like if he'd heaped praise on you at every opportunity - maybe he's got you tabbed right and knows that your road to success is to keep you under constant challenge.

Cheers

jon
I forgot to comment on this you said (in bold). You're right and that's what everyone tells me: that he says great things about me. But this is not effective. He treated me like garbage my whole life and I strongly resent him for that (I don't think you can be as bad as him, by the things you write here). This educational method in my opinion does not work at all, because I strongly resented him my whole life. I didn't enjoy growing up with "the great santini", and I don't think it was necessary to ruin my life and make me unhappy in order to make develop attention for detail, depth, overachieving tendencies (which are not necessarily good in themselves). Anyway, the fact of the matter is that even now I find his company unpleasant and I avoid him. He puts in a bad mood just if I see him. If he talks it's worse. He's 100% control freak, and he passed it on to me. Now, of course, being control freak is just perfect for creating automated trading systems, because you can't afford any mistakes, so it definitely helps to be constantly double-checking on everything.

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Old Oct 11, 2009, 8:54pm   #218
 
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Yamato started this thread Wow, I was eating dinner. My dad came in the room and he looked like he wanted to talk, so we talked. He hardly managed to let me talk and focus on what I had to say, and only because that's what I specifically asked. He kept on going back to talking about his job, no matter what I said - just like he did all his life. I managed to make him stay on my topic for 25% of the time, with great efforts. Regardless, throughout the time I was talking about MY problems, he didn't say a word, as if he wasn't interested. Talking to him was like talking to a wall, as usual. very disappointing experience, once again. Needless to say, this has been the only outcome of any conversation with my dad, throughout my life. Luckily tonight he's going on a business trip for a few days. Great, because it will take me a few days to recover from this non-conversation I had with him.

What a sick guy - he even made me scratch my head with frustration throughout my talk with him. How much stress does it take for someone to be scratching his head while he's standing up? A lot. He does this every time: just comes into the room and commands your attention, and doesn't let you off until he's done talking and lecturing about whatever he feels like talking about, then he says he has to run because he has something else to do. He basically uses me for personal satisfaction in lecturing someone and showing off his knowledge, as if I were one of his students. I got into the habit of locking myself up in my room when he's around, with music on, so I don't even hear if he tries to lure me out of my room for one of these unpleasant lectures... sick maniac.

I never missed my dad in my life. Ever. Not one day. Not one moment. I haven't spent one day of my life, since the age of 12, thinking how much I dislike him, and most days of my life, I've told someone how much I dislike him. But he's not a real problem - because I efficiently avoided him since the age of 18. First of all by not being around, and second of all by avoiding him when we're in the same house. Useless to give him more opportunities, because it's a hopeless case. It's like a madman, except that he's not in an asylum, because he's successful, a successful NPD and control freak, so everyone says how great a man he is, instead of telling him to go see a psychiatrist. Basically I am the only one who ever made him understand that I think he's the one who has problems and that certainly I do not admire him, like everyone else does (or pretend to, in order to get alone with him). Sick dangerous *******. There, now I am in a bad mood again, all thanks to him.

I've felt more affection on this thread from you guys than in my lifetime from this person who happens to be my father. I feel much closer and attached to anyone who posted here than to my father. Gotta remember to avoid him like hell the next time he's around. What a ****ty experience, again. I gotta remember stuff like that.

Last edited by Yamato; Oct 11, 2009 at 9:06pm.
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Old Oct 11, 2009, 9:40pm   #219
 
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Yamato started this thread Then there's the problem D.L.. This guy, a friend of mine, who used to be good because he brought women, but he at the same time made me pay for everyone. He always had the deficiency of being hyperactive, and as I got older, I stopped being able to bear him. Now I got in touch with him a few days ago, and now he wants to see me on a regular basis again, but I don't, and yet I don't want to offend him by telling him that he stresses me out, because this is how he is - he stresses everyone out. He is obnoxious as anyone can be. Yet another problem on my endless list of complaints.
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Old Oct 11, 2009, 9:42pm   #220
 
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modern society is a mix of talentless idiots who think they are god's gift, and intelligent thoughtful people with no self esteem
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Old Oct 12, 2009, 6:06am   #221
 
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Yamato started this thread Well, I agree more or less. Even though the idiots seem pretty modest to me, usually. And I don't see how this is just the case with "modern society", rather than the way it's always been. But I do recognize myself among the "intelligent thoughtful people with no self esteem". At the same time I think "I'm a goddamn marvel of modern science" as well, so maybe I'm a talentless idiot.
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Old Oct 12, 2009, 7:49am   #222
 
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Yamato started this thread Here I am, back at the office. The guy with the radio didn't come in yet and I am enjoying silence. I came early, at 7.45, and I started working immediately. I wish I could work during the night, so to avoid all people. I should try to work part-time between 5 am and 9 am. That would be perfect.
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Old Oct 12, 2009, 1:22pm   #223
 
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Yamato started this thread If anyone hasn't done it yet, you should definitely check out ET's journals:
Forums - Journals

There's a journal with 8 million views. I didn't post there first of all because it's not as highlighted as it here, and because it seems like a black and white world: no avatars and so on.
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Old Oct 12, 2009, 5:20pm   #224
 
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Yamato started this thread Once again, as every working day, I came home, and found that my systems had opened a bunch of trades, and, once again, they were making a huge amount of money. Once again I felt the urge of closing the trades early, because the money seemed so much (+700). Once again, I respected the principle of "non-intervention" (term borrowed from political science), that tells me to not act at all and not interfere at all with my systems because in the long run it's more profitable that way. Because even if it yields me a higher profit today, in the long run, I will abuse my interferences, and will blow out my account (it happened every time). So, once again, like in the past weeks, I followed that principle and didn't touch anything. Pretty soon, that +700 had turned into +1100. Once again, as usual, the urge to close my positions got stronger. Once again, I resisted, and once again, the profit decreased, to +600. Every day the same thing. But I can't count as if I renounced the profit of +1100, because had it been up to me, I would have closed everything at +700. So now I will see where I close the day compared to that +700. So far we've fallen to a low of 600 at the most. I just looked and I'm back at +900. In the past week this principle of "non-intervention" (once again, term borrowed from political science) has benefited me by doubling the profit I would have otherwise made, and by saving me a lot of stress (I cannot do a thing, even in case of technical errors causing missed entries). On the other hand, with the 37 systems I have right now I (purposely) made it impossible to intervene at all in a reasonable way, because it's too hard to go after all trades and close them at the "right" time (which is never the right time anyway). +750 now, which means more than what I'd have made by closing the trades early and manually. I am slowly becoming a convinced supporter of non-interventionism.

Last edited by Yamato; Oct 12, 2009 at 6:21pm.
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Old Oct 12, 2009, 5:38pm   #225
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i rofl every time you mention the guy with the radio
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