my journal

This is a discussion on my journal within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; Originally Posted by travis Correct. No reward ever. Just punishment for when I do things wrong. And constant criticism for ...

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Old Sep 29, 2009, 7:48pm   #136
 
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Originally Posted by travis View Post
Correct. No reward ever. Just punishment for when I do things wrong. And constant criticism for the smallest things. It felt like being in the army with The Great Santini (with Robert Duvall) or like in the movie Officer and Gentleman (with Richard Gere). He's been in the army as well and he became the way he is because of the army I guess. I can't understand how you can say he's a great dad.
Because its not his fault i'm so sensitive; and he has always given me support and provided me with advice and been my mate and joked about; bought me stuff and given me nice things...
I'm someone who always seeks to manipulate peoples opinion about things i'm talking about to make myself feel better; for example if i'm not sure whether i can do something i'll say ' I can do it, can't i?' just trying to get someone to give me some god damn encouragement.

Hes taken me on nice holidays, helped me in things i want to do, like when i went to Thailand, when i started trading, my exams; hes always helped me do things like opening up a trading account before i was 18 and driving me to football practice.

I feel shameful even thinking that he might have had a bad affect on me; but at the same time, all amongst all that; there has been anger @ tiny things; like i'm not joking... He went on Holiday for a week to Greece and i looked after the house and stayed with my older brother; he comes back and the first thing he says is 'Have you mown the lawn?' and i said 'I forgot' and he says '****, you don't give a **** do you, you just don't care, your ****ing lazy' and i get this big feeling of anger inside, but not rage, more like the feeling i use to get when i cried as a child. I went upstairs and he comes up and says 'Who didn't put the ****ing bins outside' and i said again 'I forgot' and he just didn't talk to me for three days - This was recent by the way... He doesn't consider how i feel about the situation; how i feel that i'm been sweared at for not cutting the lawn while my dads on holiday despite my mates wrecking their parents house when they go away. Then, when he decides hes over it; we are watching tv 'Who wants to be a millionaire' and i've always had this thing where i change my mind about the answer, and he jokes that 'Hes saying ABCD, just so hes right' and we all have a good laugh and thats it.

Then we start talking about stuff and being all father-son and i never say anything about how i felt... We joke about and talk about trading...
And thats it.
Its always up to him, how the mood is around the house. If hes mad, everyone else is hiding until he isn't; and if i'm mad and i accidently break my Xbox 360 controller - Then its 'You need to sort out your behaviour, its unacceptable'; and just i can never do anything right...

Right now; we are at the part where he is angry @ me and now i don't know whether i can speak to him or not; I have to wait until hes over it. He also gets angry while i'm trading and it really affects my ability to trade; like not at me, but he'll start shouting down the phone and it brings all my emotions of anger up.

At the same time though; hes always been there for me when i'm having trouble and given me advice on how to approach things, motivated me to succeed.
The difficult thing i suppose is that he doesn't care how i do in things as long as i'm happy; so he doesn't respond when i do well, its just like... But when i do bad, he is angry because he thinks that i have let myself down and that i am unhappy with what i have done...

Oh well, in the end, its all my problem and my faults and my sensitivity.

Hes a good dad and he jokes with me and talks to me and regards me, helps me, gives me advice, financially aids me, wants me to do well and listens to what i have to say... My biggest problem i suppose is that i've always been like 'watch this dad' and i always fail and get a weird look.

Suppose the problem is; i have a hunger for approval and appreciation and recognition for my talents... I also get angry without ever putting the anger anywhere but inside; i get limited praise when i do things well and i fear failure. All i've ever tried to do is impress my dad and what i get is mockery, jokes, criticisms on my wrongs, advice and a knew thing is that he says 'Whatever' in a jokey way but it has an affect. Like, i'm been increasing my ability to do loads of press-ups over the years and when i started i could do very little; when i did a decent amount i told him that i'd been doing loads of weights and now i can do loads of press-ups and how good i'm feeling and he says 'Whatever' like that song from America; then we both laugh.

I feel extremely guilty about these things; because i cannot fully remember everything and so maybe my analysis is totally unfair.

Wow, i rambling again x
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Old Sep 29, 2009, 8:11pm   #137
 
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Yamato started this thread Oh well, then we're talking about two different fathers. So none of what I said about my dad applies to your dad, or little.

My dad never jokes/joked with me. He's/was always serious and negative and critical. Now he's changing a little bit, but it's pathetic. I mean I resent the past - I can't just say "now you're ok, so you're forgiven for being a ******* my whole life".

I've always felt in the presence of some authority, examining me, always felt under exam when he was around. Just by looking at me he's capable of making screw up something like walking. He's basically a real piece of ****. That's how I feel about my dad.

My father, unlike yours, does not have moments of anger. He's always harsh and negative and unpleasant. Very stable and unpleasant guy. He never loses his temper, but he makes others lose their temper, and pretty much destroys everything that's around him.

"Problem with your sensitivity"? Mmh, that's the only thing that doesn't sound right. If someone offends you, he's a ******* and you ought to avoid him - it's never a problem with your sensitivity. On the other hand, I consider 90% of the population *******s, so maybe there's something wrong with my sensitivity indeed.

Quote:
i get limited praise when i do things well and i fear failure. All i've ever tried to do is impress my dad and what i get is mockery, jokes, criticisms on my wrongs, advice and a knew thing is that he says 'Whatever' in a jokey way but it has an affect. Like, i'm been increasing my ability to do loads of press-ups over the years and when i started i could do very little; when i did a decent amount i told him that i'd been doing loads of weights and now i can do loads of press-ups and how good i'm feeling and he says 'Whatever'...
Hey, this is not ok either by me. I can relate totally to what you say, and then I'll have to tell you once again that your dad is, just like my dad, a total *******. You do everything to get a praise by him, to try to impress him and you are insecure and need to be praised by people because HE didn't give you enough of it during your life. Because HE refuses to take you seriously. So the problem is indeed him, just like in my case.

I don't want you to have a miserable relationship with your dad because of me now. So feel free to ignore me or talk about something else from now on. We've talked about this long enough. Also, with my attitude I didn't solve anything, so maybe you shouldn't follow my example.

Also, maybe, if you are not a fool and I am not a fool, we owe it to our dads. They ruined our life to make us precise, reliable, efficient, but thanks to that, we're not fools. Probably they focused on our survival rather than our happiness. Was it worth it? My dad had a tough life. He drilled me like a sergeant as a consequence. My life sucked. I don't know if it was worth it. Somehow he succeeded at making me a perfectionist, always alert and so on. But he also made me a sick and unhappy maniac. Do we have to be sick perfectionist maniacs or can we lead a safe life just by being easy-going? I don't know. It's very debatable. Lead a happy life and maybe you're distracted and get run over by a car, or lead an alert and sad life and never risk getting run over by a car? I don't know. I can tell you this. I am alert and I am unhappy. Also, look up "control freak". It gets passed on in generations. Maybe we all are affected by that disorder, which is close to NPD (Narciss.Pers.Dis.)

Last edited by Yamato; Sep 29, 2009 at 8:22pm.
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Old Sep 29, 2009, 8:44pm   #138
 
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Originally Posted by travis View Post
Oh well, then we're talking about two different fathers. So none of what I said about my dad applies to your dad, or little.

My dad never jokes/joked with me. He's/was always serious and negative and critical. Now he's changing a little bit, but it's pathetic. I mean I resent the past - I can't just say "now you're ok, so you're forgiven for being a ******* my whole life".

I've always felt in the presence of some authority, examining me, always felt under exam when he was around. Just by looking at me he's capable of making screw up something like walking. He's basically a real piece of ****. That's how I feel about my dad.

My father, unlike yours, does not have moments of anger. He's always harsh and negative and unpleasant. Very stable and unpleasant guy. He never loses his temper, but he makes others lose their temper, and pretty much destroys everything that's around him.

"Problem with your sensitivity"? Mmh, that's the only thing that doesn't sound right. If someone offends you, he's a ******* and you ought to avoid him - it's never a problem with your sensitivity. On the other hand, I consider 90% of the population *******s, so maybe there's something wrong with my sensitivity indeed.



Hey, this is not ok either by me. I can relate totally to what you say, and then I'll have to tell you once again that your dad is, just like my dad, a total *******. You do everything to get a praise by him, to try to impress him and you are insecure and need to be praised by people because HE didn't give you enough of it during your life. Because HE refuses to take you seriously. So the problem is indeed him, just like in my case.

I don't want you to have a miserable relationship with your dad because of me now. So feel free to ignore me or talk about something else from now on. We've talked about this long enough. Also, with my attitude I didn't solve anything, so maybe you shouldn't follow my example.

Also, maybe, if you are not a fool and I am not a fool, we owe it to our dads. They ruined our life to make us precise, reliable, efficient, but thanks to that, we're not fools. Probably they focused on our survival rather than our happiness. Was it worth it? My dad had a tough life. He drilled me like a sergeant as a consequence. My life sucked. I don't know if it was worth it. Somehow he succeeded at making me a perfectionist, always alert and so on. But he also made me a sick and unhappy maniac. Do we have to be sick perfectionist maniacs or can we lead a safe life just by being easy-going? I don't know. It's very debatable. Lead a happy life and maybe you're distracted and get run over by a car, or lead an alert and sad life and never risk getting run over by a car? I don't know. I can tell you this. I am alert and I am unhappy. Also, look up "control freak". It gets passed on in generations. Maybe we all are affected by that disorder, which is close to NPD (Narciss.Pers.Dis.)



Thing is Travis; I'm wondering; Is NPD an excuse for our behaviours, is it a disorder, or just the way we are and controlable; can we blame it ?

For example; if i do something self-centred can i say 'I have NPD' or is that just ridiculous and like saying 'i'm greedy *******'.

For example; my intolerance for criticism... Is that BECAUSE i have NPD, or is that because of me, i'm responsable and i act that way.

Do you understand what i mean?
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Old Sep 29, 2009, 9:03pm   #139
 
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Yamato started this thread If we have something and it's making us unhappy, and we don't change it, doesn't that mean that we cannot change it? Wouldn't we change it if we could since it makes us unhappy?

For example, I don't want to change my idea that 90% of people are *******s or idiots. Because that's the truth to me, and I don't want to deceive myself. But I would like to change my compulsive gambling, I would like to change my compulsive scratching my head (I do it several times a day, and cannot stop, but I certainly don't like it). I would like to change my complaining. And I would like to change all the things that make me unhappy. But it's just like hunger. It comes to you, and you can't push it away: you have to eat.

Once again, let me state it clearly: if our way of being makes us unhappy and we don't change it, it means we're unable to change it. Wouldn't you agree with the logic of this reasoning?

Like our writing on this forum, on and on, for days and days, incessantly. Wouldn't be more comfortable to reply once every two days? What do we get from this journal that changes our life? Nothing. And yet I can't leave your posts unanswered and viceversa. So we keep - compulsively - replying to one another. Personally, with regards to this behaviour, I woudl say that I am unable to relax. I don't like this. And yet I do it.

Maybe if we tried very hard we could manage to change 1% of how we are, but then, as soon as we get distracted and have to focus on something else, all the things we put in the closet, come back out and we return to how we were. The cause has to be eliminated. Not the symptom.

I think a good medicine to my problems would be to get praised incessantly for a few months by everyone. It would make me feel very good, and get back to a normal human being. I've been deprived of this my whole life. Just like people who didn't have enough to eat, later hoard food when they can get it. That way I am for praise, so are you, by what you said. We feel, among all the other things, a strong hunger for praise, that needs to be cured. And the medicine is getting praised. The same should apply exactly to all other things we didn't get from our parents when growing up. We weren't taken seriously by our dad? We need a lot of people to take us very seriously. You know that because of how angry you get when people do not take you seriously or criticize you. I feel like I'll never accept one more word of criticism again in my life, from anyone. For me, any criticism, is initially taken very personally. On a forum, unless it's very well phrased, I'll immediately place on my ignore list anyone who criticises me. And on and on... this is fun, even though it doesn't solve very much. I know it because I've been discussing my problems with people for decades.

Also, I gotta mention this tendency I have to... "me, me, me", and "I, I, I..."...which definitely is not fair to everyone else, because it's quite self-centered and selfish, but it's accepted on a journal, because of course what else are you supposed to do if not talking about yourself? Actually it may considered a quality on a journal, if you are good at talking about yourself.

I wish I could be sum it all up... but not easy, except by saying NPD and "control freak".
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Old Sep 29, 2009, 9:16pm   #140
 
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Originally Posted by travis View Post
If we have something and it's making us unhappy, and we don't change it, doesn't that mean that we cannot change it? Wouldn't we change it if we could since it makes us unhappy?

For example, I don't want to change my idea that 90% of people are *******s or idiots. Because that's the truth to me, and I don't want to deceive myself. But I would like to change my compulsive gambling, I would like to change my compulsive scratching my head (I do it several times a day, and cannot stop, but I certainly don't like it). I would like to change my complaining. And I would like to change all the things that make me unhappy. But it's just like hunger. It comes to you, and you can't push it away: you have to eat.

Once again, let me state it clearly: if our way of being makes us unhappy and we don't change it, it means we're unable to change it. Wouldn't you agree with the logic of this reasoning?

Like our writing on this forum, on and on, for days and days, incessantly. Wouldn't be more comfortable to reply once every two days? What do we get from this journal that changes our life? Nothing. And yet I can't leave your posts unanswered and viceversa. So we keep - compulsively - replying to one another. Personally, with regards to this behaviour, I woudl say that I am unable to relax. I don't like this. And yet I do it.

Maybe if we tried very hard we could manage to change 1% of how we are, but then, as soon as we get distracted and have to focus on something else, all the things we put in the closet, come back out and we return to how we were. The cause has to be eliminated. Not the symptom.

I think a good medicine to my problems would be to get praised incessantly for a few months by everyone. It would make me feel very good, and get back to a normal human being. I've been deprived of this my whole life. Just like people who didn't have enough to eat, later hoard food when they can get it. That way I am for praise, so are you, by what you said. We feel, among all the other things, a strong hunger for praise, that needs to be cured. And the medicine is getting praised. The same should apply exactly to all other things we didn't get from our parents when growing up. We weren't taken seriously by our dad? We need a lot of people to take us very seriously. You know that because of how angry you get when people do not take you seriously or criticize you. I feel like I'll never accept one more word of criticism again in my life, from anyone. For me, any criticism, is initially taken very personally. On a forum, unless it's very well phrased, I'll immediately place on my ignore list anyone who criticises me. And on and on... this is fun, even though it doesn't solve very much. I know it because I've been discussing my problems with people for decades.

Also, I gotta mention this tendency I have to... "me, me, me", and "I, I, I..."...which definitely is not fair to everyone else, because it's quite self-centered and selfish, but it's accepted on a journal, because of course what else are you supposed to do if not talking about yourself? Actually it may considered a quality on a journal, if you are good at talking about yourself.

I wish I could be sum it all up... but not easy, except by saying NPD and "control freak".
Yeah; I take criticsms very personally... I wish i didn't but fundamentally; a criticism is a reflection of that persons judgement of what your doing... They may be trying to make you improve, which effectively means at the moment they are saying that you aren't very good... I wish i could just take criticisms and try to improve on what people say i need to improve on; but instead i just feel defensive and that they are unjustified and thats its unfair that they haven't seen my qualities yet tell me of my wrongs.

Wish when someone criticized me that i could take on board what they are saying and improve myself; but instead i just feel personally hurt... I think its because there is never a balance of criticism and praise and therefore criticism is just ANOTHER reminder of how bad i am @ things; despite me thinking i'm quite good. Furthermore, my lack of self-acceptence makes it even worse, i'm not happy with who i am and then ive got people telling me that at the moment i'm not doing so good... When really i just want to hide from who i am - Every criticism is a reminder that i'm not changing myself and getting closer to being someone else, someone happier and less negative and less analytical.

Its like fat people, they are unhappy being fat and all they want to do is hide from the fact they are fat and hide from any emotions and bad feelings they have regarding their weight; yet constantly people are telling them to lose weight; making them more fearful of facing it.

I too, even on forums can be easily offended... I can pretend that i don't care but usually i'm quite easily hurt when someone calls me a ****** or something; in real life i'm want to just smack them, but ofcourse i wouldn't, i'd be too full of anxiety to react.



The irony at the moment is that i'm on YOUR JOURNAL, talking about ME and my PROBLEMS. I'm really that pathetic that i seek for understanding on someone elses journal.

I guess its comforting to talk about your problems because it almost sets an excuse for your behaviour and frustration, allows you to try vent some of the frustration and find someone who understands and listens, and ironically for us - Talking about ourselves is ofcourse gratifying, given that we're self-centred. So maybe it doesn't help at all, maybe it re-enforces the behaviours - Maybe not talking about our problems and not thinking about ourselves and our reactions would be a better potential solution
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Old Sep 29, 2009, 10:18pm   #141
 
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Yamato started this thread
Quote:
Wish when someone criticized me that i could take on board what they are saying and improve myself
You see, as a consequence of hearing too much criticism, we became over-sensitive to allergic to it. But then, being aware of this, we developed a counter-reaction that makes us accept even too much criticism/abuse from others (at least as far as I am concerned), and then we put up with too much from others, because we're unable to judge things objectively and unable to tell whether we're being intolerant as usual, or whether someone is abusing our rights. For example, this guy playing the radio at my office: I would kill him if I could get away with it. But then I tell him nothing at all, even if it's my right to work without having to listen to his radio. Why do I put up with it? Because I know how intolerant I am. I know how I never could stand any colleague that shared a room with me, and so I am afraid of being intolerant and mistreating someone who doesn't deserve it. Yet, on a daily basis, I wish this guy died and didn't come back to work to turn his radio on. Another person in the room, who is quite good at facing people and telling them what she's willing to put up with and what she isn't, on the other hand, doesn't mind the radio, doesn't mind the air conditioning and gets along with the colleague just fine. You see, in the past few years, nobody told him anything about the radio. Then I come, a few months ago i moved into this room, and I don't feel like I can tell him to change his life-long habits.

Quote:
despite me thinking i'm quite good
We probably also share this: we feel we are very good at doing things, but we also feel that others are not acknowledging this. We feel socially insecure. As far as me, this comes certainly from how my dad treated me.

Quote:
The irony at the moment is that i'm on YOUR JOURNAL
I am surprised how successful this journal is being. The thing you have to do when starting a journal (you could do it, too) is you have to be prepared to keep on writing it all by yourself, with no readers and no one showing any appreciation. I am ready for that. All my life I have trained for that, for being a black sheep, with my dad telling me I was worthless, teachers failing me... I am ready to do exactly what I want without any peer pressure, because I pretty have collected nothing but failures. Even when I trade, I go against the trend. By now if anyone tells me something cannot be done, I'll spend quite a while trying to see if I can be the one to prove him wrong.

Quote:
maybe it re-enforces the behaviours
Interesting point of view. It could be right and it could be wrong. I feel the medicine for low self-esteem and insecurity is getting a lot of praise from everyone. The cure for poverty is money. The cure for hunger is food. It's not to pretend you're not hungry, or that you don't feel like talking about yourself and your problems, and not that you don't want money. That would seem the natural solution to me, but your solution also sounds good, even though it's the opposite.

Overall I think I am a few steps ahead in some aspects compared to my father and to myself. He would never say out loud or to himself that he's sick and unbalanced in any way. At least not to me. Or maybe only to me. I am fully aware that I have a lot of limits. That I am very frustrated. That I am not happy. On the other hand, my being so obsessive and therefore able to focus on anything I set my mind on, is also a quality, to be exploited. I can't just let it go as if it were a total deficiency. I want to keep this ability to focus.

Maybe with time I'll get better, keep the qualities, and lose the deficiencies. Or maybe I won't. It feels good to write here, so I think one should do it.

Also, I think that if you are prepared to write a solitary journal, without receiving any praise, and putting on your ignore list anyone writing superficial remarks, then you could enjoy writing a journal as well, speaking and opening up about your trading and about yourself. I think this journal didn't hurt my trading - no reinforcing of bad behaviours in other words. And if it is like in trading, where you can't break even but you either win or lose money, then I would say that this journal was a profitable experience, since I am sure it didn't hurt me. Even now I didn't achieve any relaxation though. Imagine that I count the views and the posts to see if I can beat some record and in be in the top 10 of most read journals or journals with most posts. I even almost rated it with 5 stars to boost the ratings, but then I decided against it, but I am constantly tempted to do it. It's just like when I write how good I am and how good my systems are... if I don't get any praises I end up praising myself.

But none of this is pathetic. It's just how we are - do we have to be ashamed of how we are because of how our life caused us to be? Most others don't feel like opening up. That would seem even worse. We are all a product of our environment.
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Old Sep 29, 2009, 10:39pm   #142
 
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We are all a product of our environment.
Yeah, this is something i strongly believe in... I always get in arguements about that; i feel that crimes are justifiable; because i believe that if i were born as that person, with their genetics and had grown up with the exact same experiences and environment - Then i would have done the crimes too, so i cannot be judgement on them...

But others can't understand how i could think such a thing were true, because it means that i accept their is no responsability in life; almost as if everything is fated based on your environment and genetics.



Overall; I just wish i had no anxieties and didn't have to be so aware of my inner-thoughts all the time; i suppose i felt like that when i went to Thailand, because i felt that the people weren't judging me.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 6:55am   #143
 
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Yamato started this thread Yes, I agree. All crimes are justifiable. Jail is just to stop these people from killing us, not really because they "deserve" it.

Freedom in a foreign country, just like in a new place. Yes, as soon as you are in a place where no one knows you, like a new school, or new neighbourhood, you're free to start all over again and be a different person. Just like if you meet your grandmother and you've become a judge or the prime minister, she'll probably still treat you like a child.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 11:36am   #144
 
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Yamato started this thread Some new thoughts.
Knowledge and money. How knowledge is money.

Taxi driver yesterday. He doesn't know the street, and drives me home at the cost of 14 euros instead of the usual 7. He lost, and I lost because of it. No complaining to him. During the whole trip I realized how I was stuck in traffic, just because of lack of knowledge.

Looking for a laptop on the internet. I went on ebay and there were plenty of them, new, being sold at 300 to 400. Then I went on another similar web site, and they were selling it for 500 to 800 (no bidding). Someone who doesn't know about ebay, will buy a used laptop at the price they charge you at the store for a new one.

I am sure there's similar examples in trading, even though much less so, because everything is more liquid and transparent (even brokers' commissions and costs). But I remember when I had an account in Italy I used to pay commissions of 16 euros to buy an ES contract, whereas today I pay less than 3 dollars for the same contract.

It's unbelievable how much just a little information can save you. From cab drivers, to computers, to brokers. In every field. Think of medecine. If you pick the wrong hospital, or wrong doctor, regardless of costs, you might end up dead instead of healed.

All this pondering, with a subconscious fixation and need: the need for the imminent death of my colleague. If I could have the right knowledge to get rid of this colleague in front of me playing the radio, I could avoid so much annoyance...

Is it more efficient to pray for his death, or to pay him to turn his radio off? It would be easy to tell our boss that it's my right to work in silence. I would certainly get my way. But somehow it's not "easy" at all for me, and I can't do it. This guy is twice my age, close to retirement, and I was taught to pay some respect to such people, despite the fact that he's abusing my rights. Somehow for me it's easier to pray for this guy's imminent death. Die, you mother ****ing son of a bitch. Please die. You don't deserve to live. You don't care at all about who surrounds you. You worthless piece of ****. Die, die, die.

Now, as usual, this ******* left and went I don't know where. To screw some woman, to take a walk around the building and talk to someone, and yet he left the radio on. So here I am listening to the radio of this mother ****er and I can't even turn it off because I am too respectful and polite to lean over and use his mouse to disable volume on his computer. Because it's not respectful to do so. And I am too respectful to even tell him to "please at least turn it off when he plans on not being here for longer than 30 minutes". I just avoid all conflicts. I was given too many rules to follow, and I don't even explode. I just put up with people's abuses because that's part of being polite. The only thing I am allowed to do is to pray for their death, and definitely turn down any opportunity to spend any more time with them than strictly necessary.

I can't ****ing believe it. I can't believe it. I having to listen to this ****ty music, and he's not even in the room, and I can't even make myself lean over and turn his radio off or disable his volume. And yet I wish he were dead. Three more months here and then I quit, or I'll end up killing this guy. And that would be impolite.

**** it. I just got up and disabled his volume. When he'll come back, if he says anything, I'll tell him: "what the **** am I supposed to do? You weren't there and it bothered me". Another 92 days and 11 hours to go. Then I'll quit, even if I just have 100 thousand saved.

Last edited by Yamato; Sep 30, 2009 at 11:59am.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 6:26pm   #145
 
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Yamato started this thread I came home, the neighbour slammed his door. I heard it from here. It shook me and gave me a heart-ache. I am bothered by all these people who do things without thinking about whether they may bother others or not. I hate his guts, too. I wish him death. As soon as possible. I am wishing death upon all those surrounding me. No wonder I want to live by the sea, especially when there are no tourists around. Or: I could become a dictator, but that's too complicated. I would have made a great dictator.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 6:58pm   #146
 
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Originally Posted by travis View Post
I came home, the neighbour slammed his door. I heard it from here. It shook me and gave me a heart-ache. I am bothered by all these people who do things without thinking about whether they may bother others or not. I hate his guts, too. I wish him death. As soon as possible. I am wishing death upon all those surrounding me. No wonder I want to live by the sea, especially when there are no tourists around. Or: I could become a dictator, but that's too complicated. I would have made a great dictator.
I avoid confrontation too; its because i have so much anger towards people and things that i never express, i know if they even slightly annoyed me to my face i'd just go crazy and they wouldn't understand, would think that i was crazy. I know if someone annoyed me that all the other angers i have with everything would just be directed @ that person...
Last time i got in a fight; a guy as a joke called me a **** - As he does everyone, but secretely it annoys me that he calls people *****, just because they aren't very confrontational and don't have anything to say back - Making the girls have a giggle, so i decided to beat him up for it; everyone thought i was being a prick though. But he does loads of other things i don't like and then calling me a ****, even as a joke, when i was drunk was enough... Because although he 'jokes', there always seems something more in it, as if hes trying to annoy you but he knows you can't do anything or you'll look silly. Which i definately did but it was worth it because i felt like the ****ing man afterwards.
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I'm on a boat mother****er.

GET YOUR TOWELS READY, ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN.
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Old Sep 30, 2009, 7:30pm   #147
 
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Yamato started this thread I can see your point, because we're very similar, but I am against violence, in the sense that I wouldn't lift a finger against anyone. I am a peaceful guy. I'd have him killed by the secret police. Which reminds me of another movie I really liked:

Quote:
Sollozzo: I don't like violence, Tom. I'm a businessman; blood is a big expense.
The Godfather (1972) - Memorable quotes

How would you like it if you and I, along with some other intolerant NPD people and other control freaks from all over the world, got together and bought an island, where everything was perfect and under control? No dogs barking, no people slamming doors, no cars, no people with loud radios, no laughing. Everybody respecting the rules, and respecting one another. I think we could set up a peaceful place, something close to a hospital, except we're not sick (only mentally maybe). I'd be ok with it. You'd make a great neighbour.

The music playing in the background could be "Medication Valse" by Jack Nitzsche, or Gnossienne number 5 by Eric Satie.

Anyway, what's the point of hanging out with people who irritate you? Stay away from them. Stay in touch with people who are polite and respectful like I do... which means I am pretty much alone most of the time... but you get my point - those I meet are definitely my type of people. Don't even fight those you don't like, but try to keep a peaceful relationship with them and avoid them as much as possible. And if they ask you why, then you tell them "because you don't respect me enough, you're too loud, this and that...". That's just my opinion.

Last edited by Yamato; Sep 30, 2009 at 9:59pm.
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Old Oct 1, 2009, 7:10am   #148
 
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Yamato started this thread Rule number one is that you can't trade.
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever know.
One is the loneliest number, much much worse than two.
Rule number two is that you must spend all your energy designing systems.
That's all for now.
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Old Oct 1, 2009, 8:09am   #149
 
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Yamato started this thread I've been realizing that my systems are not that good after all. They are not including commissions nor spread, so they all make money, but if you include all those costs they sometimes have a whole negative year, and not just 3 months like it seemed before. Yet the fact that they are so many compensates for their low quality, so to speak.
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Old Oct 1, 2009, 9:27am   #150
 
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Yamato started this thread Here I am, again. At the office, again. My countdown reads 91 days and 13 hours.

The ******* in front of me is whistling, and probably browsing on the internet. His radio is on, as usual. What bothers me the most is that when I get home the ****ty songs that played on his radio all day long stick to my memory. Just like for trading, Kerviel, Leeson were given popularity and money to invest and power without them knowing how to trade nor what they were doing. In the same way, very incapable musicians are famous, their songs play on the radio all the time. Fame doesn't mean quality. Nor being unknown means you are not good. Radio stations and tv are usually the sum of common sense, common taste, which is a synonim of ****. What's popular is most likely ****. What's fashionable nowadays is ****. In this sense, it's best to stay away from masses.
Unfortunately the colleague doesn't show any signs of approaching death. Now he's talking on the phone, and he sounds quite healthy. One day hopefully I'll get some justice and this guy will be dead, or out of my sight.
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